Just a funny:

[shmoov69]

Why did God make women??





Because a sheep can't cook!

[6'9"Witha69]

Why did God make women??



Because a sheep can't cook!

Leave it to someone in MO!

[shmoov69]

LOL!!
Don't knock it till.............Nevermind!

LOL!!

[Roger M]

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been
Married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided
To amaze our men by greeting them at the door
Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend :
The other night when my boyfriend came over he
Found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all nightlong.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was
Wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and
Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,



"What's for dinner,Batman?"

[shmoov69]

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt was overwhelming. But every once in awhile he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
'Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go Dave.'

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering:

'Dave ........... Dave...........

YOU'RE A VETERINARIAN,

YOU SICK BA$TARD!!!'

[shmoov69]

How to install a cheap security system:


>1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work
> boots.
> 2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo
> Magazine.
> 3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
> 4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
>
> Bubba,
>
> Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour.
> Don't mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and
> messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to
> tell
> from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.
> Better wait outside. Be right back.
>
> Cooter

[shmoov69]

Things I Learned in the South:


A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.


There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no ones seen before.


If it grows, itll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.


Onced and Twiced are words.


It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!


Jaw-P? means Did yall go to the bathroom?


People actually grow and eat okra.


Fixinto is one word. It means Im fixing to do that.


There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there is supper.


Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.


Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.


The word jeet is actually a phrase meaning Did you eat?


You dont have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until youre done or its too dark to see.


You dont PUSH buttons, you MASH em.


No, Jew? is a common response to the question, Did you bring any beer?


You measure distance in minutes.


You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.


All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.


You know what a DAWG is.


You carry jumper cables in your car - for your OWN car.


You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Tonys, Tabasco and ketchup.


The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports and motor sports, and gossip.


You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.


You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit a bit warm.


You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.


Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite pastime known as goin Wal-Martin or off to Wally World.


You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chicken stew weather.


Fried catfish is the other white meat.




And I ain't pickin' on the south, actually I like it waay better than the north! LOL I have spent alot of time in south Arkansas with work in the past.

[shmoov69]

Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.


He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge.

Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer,
her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.


When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet?"


The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00.
Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive faucet. It's certainly out of my price bracket."

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.
The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.

From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"
Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."

This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot!

[6'9"Witha69]

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very
elaborate funeral by the hospital that he worked for most of his
life...

A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during
the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket was rolled
inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful
heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all
eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of
my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist..'

The proctologist fainted.

[6'9"Witha69]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU
EVER STOP?!'

[6'9"Witha69]

I took a Cadillac Escalade out for a test drive just to drive that
sucker before they become extinct. The salesman sat in the back seat describing the car and all its wonderful options.



The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats

directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.



I stated the car must be a Republican car.



Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican, and I explained that if it were Democratic car, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.



I had to walk back to the dealership but it was worth it...

[MonzaRacer]

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked
to buy half a head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole
heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some a$$hole
wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he
turned to find the man standing right behind him; so he added, "And this
gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the
manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself
out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here."

"Where are you from, son?"

"Washington DC, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Washington DC?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but hookers and politicians over
there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Washington DC".

"No $h!t!" replied the boy. "Who'd she hook for and how much did she charge per hour and did she ever meet Bill Clinton?"

[shmoov69]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you .
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place......

.....The grass is almost a foot high."

[minendrews68]

just a couple....well, maybe more,

How the fight started......

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
[/INDENT]
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.[/INDENT][/INDENT]
When she asked him why, he replied,





"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"


And that's how the fight started...














I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'




It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.


'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said..


So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started...














My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.


I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have $ex?'





'No,' she answered.


I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'


She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying





'Yes.'


So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'





And that's when the fight started...














I took my wife to a restaurant.


The waiter, for some reason, took my order first…





'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'





He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'





'Nah, she can order for herself.'





And that's when the fight started...














My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.


She asked, 'What's on TV?'


I said 'Dust.'


And then the fight started...











My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.





She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'


I bought her a scale.


And then the fight started...








My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion,
and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.





I asked her, 'Do you know him?'


'Yes,' she sighed, ‘He’s my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'





My GodI said,'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'


And then the fight started...











I rear-ended a car this morning... So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the
other driver got out of his car.


You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?


Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!





He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'


So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'





And then the fight started...








THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER:





When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.





But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf…


Always something more important to me.


Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.





When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing


scissors… I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came


out again I handed her a toothbrush I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'


And that how the fight started.

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

[86Cutlass383SR]

HELL EXPLAINED

BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. There fore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

[Samckitt]

I have 4 extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel (son of Evil Knievel) event at the Ford Center next weekend in Beaumont, TX if anybody wants them. Robbie is goiing to try to jump over 1000 Obama supporters with a Caterrpillar D-9 Bulldozer.

[John Wright]

DEAR DEAF WIFE....."priceless"


A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.


Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.


The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.


Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.

If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.."


That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"


No response.


So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"


Still no response.


Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"


Again he gets no response.


So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"




"Ralph, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

[shmoov69]

Another new Illness to watch out for ...

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is
staying home
because she is not feeling well.

"So, what's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"And what the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I just can't see my ass coming into work today."

[John Wright]

^^^^^LOL^^^^

Wonder if my boss will like that one?

[John Wright]

Lena is pregnant with Ole's child.



Late one night, Lena vakes Ole and says, “I tink it's time!”



So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere tractor and took her to the hospital to have their first baby.



She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and said, “A son! Ain't dat Great!” Well, Ole got excited by dis, but yust den the doctor spoke up and said, “Hold on! We ain't finished yet!” The doctor den held up a little girl. He said, “Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter! She's a pretty little ting, too.”



Ole got kind of puzzled by this, an then the doctor said, “Holey Moley! Ole, we still ain't done yet!” The doctor then delivered another boy and said, “Ole, you yust had yourself another boy!”



Ole was flabbergasted by this news!



A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and their three Children home in the self-propelled combine. He was real serious and he asked Lena, “How come we got tree on the first try?”



Lena said, “You remember dat night we ran out of Vaseline and you vent out in the garage and got dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?”



Ole said, “Yeah, I do.. Uffda! It's a dam good ting I didn't get da WD-40!”