Just a funny:

[dadto2jays]

The other day I needed to go to the emergency room.




Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a patch onto the front of my shirt that I had downloaded off the Internet.
When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.
Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.


It also works at DMV. It saved me 5 hours.
At the Laundromat, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.

Don't try it at McDonald's though..... The whole crew got up and left and l never got my order... I guess the Border Patrol Badge did it..

[dadto2jays]

Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year,

And every year Ken would say,

'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'

Edna always replied,

'I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,

And fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

One year Ken and Edna went to the fair, and Ken said,

'Edna, I'm 75 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'

To this, Edna replied,

"Ken that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you
can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you
a penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Ken and Edna agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said,

'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you
didn't.

I'm impressed!'

Ken replied,


'Well, to tell you the truth,

I almost said something when Edna fell out,

But you know,

"Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'


This is one is better..LOL
Jewish husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife, "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMW in the garage and no more yacht club.
But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Moishe?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies...

[dadto2jays]

Lipstick in School
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington
was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were
beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine,
but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips on the mirror
leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would
remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the
principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance
man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for
the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine all the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the
maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers. . . and then there are educators

[406 Q-ship]

^

[dadto2jays]

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the arsenic dissolve. Then some jerk shows up and drinks the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?

[dadto2jays]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . 'The material we put in our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.. . Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. . Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. ..

However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake'.

[406 Q-ship]

Researcher have discovered a food that can reduce the sexual drive of the female..........wedding cake.

[dadto2jays]

Older Men Scam, tell you buddies to be aware

I've received the email warnings for women about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. I recently got scammed and wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

This is a 'heads up' for those men (especially those of us 55 and over) who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as
you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping
your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out
of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen Mar. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th,
24th, & 29th. Also Apr. 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th &
27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of
us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for
$.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just
running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc.

So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to
be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and
around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

[6'9"Witha69]

A couple living in a small Minnesota town take on an 18-year-old girl as a
lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom as such but she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to bowl," the woman said.

So the young girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday night.

After her husband had gone off for his bowling tournament, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.

She was surprised to see that the young lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said, “Next week, when you go off to bowl, I'll leave a little gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself, alright?"

The following Monday night, while the girl got undressed for her bath, the
wife asked her, "Do you shave down there?"

"No," replied the girl, "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you
have hair on yours?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman and she showed the girl her hairy muff.

After the girl had gone to bed the husband came home and the wife asked, “Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?"

"Why not?" she said, "You've seen it before.”

"I know," he replied, "but the bowling team hadn't!"

[6'9"Witha69]

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in
las vegas , but there are more catholic churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshipers at sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings..

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the chip monks.

[6'9"Witha69]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?' She asked.

'Hunting Flies' He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?' She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.. 'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded, '3 were on a beer can,2 were on the phone.

[6'9"Witha69]

There was a Pastor whose wife was expecting a baby so he went to the congregation and asked for a raise? After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the Pastor's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the Pastor's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the Pastor stood up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

And the congregation said, "Amen"

[6'9"Witha69]

An elderly spinster who was a dog lover agreed to look after her neighbor's dog while the neighbors went on their vacation.

The only problem was that the spinsters own dog was a bitch that was in 'heat' and the neighbors dog was a male. Nevertheless, she had a large house and she was able to keep the two dogs apart.

As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep, the spinster was suddenly alarmed by an awful howling and moaning sounds from downstairs. She rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together, as dogs do when mating. The dogs were in obvious pain howling but unable to disengage.

Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do next.

Though it was late she reluctantly phoned the vet and after a few rings, a rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone.

The spinster explained the problem.

The vet said, "I want you to take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. I will then phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw from the bitch"

"Oh," said the spinster, "Do you think that will work?"

"Well," the vet replied, "It just worked for me."

[John Wright]

Male Date-Drug

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date-drug on the market called 'Beer '.

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them
A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'.In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.
Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this 'Beer ' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.

For a demo on how this works..
http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf

[shmoov69]

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps…He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did… and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. “Now….. show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him,” he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips. Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. “Now. Tell him you have a headache

[John Wright]

In this world of hi-tech, I have noticed that many, who text messages & email, have forgotten the "art" of capitalization.

Those of you who fall into this world, please take note of the statement below.

I cannot stress enough that grammar is important:

Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

Also .....

I went to the airport to see my brother Jack off.

[WS6]

haha nice! I'm guilty of that because I'm terrible at texting and quite frankly prefer not to text at all really. So I invest virtually no time in trying to improve my skills. I'd rather pick up the phone and hear the person's voice.

[56 Crazy]

wonder how long the conversation lasted............

[JoshStratton]

This thread is still going?!?!? Wow. I just logged in for the first time in a year. 778 posts and ~50K views. Impressive.

[exwestracer]

A blonde model meets with a photographer to do a nude photo shoot. When the model disrobes, the photographer becomes visibly upset and starts cursing and muttering under his breath. The model asks if something is wrong. The photographer says "I knew it! You're not a natural blonde. Do you know how lousy it makes my photos look when the carpet doesn't match the drapes?". The model says, "But I AM a natural blonde...". The photographer replies, "Well how do you explain that patch of BLACK hair?".

The model thinks for a minute and says, "I can explain. Come over to the desk.". They get to his desk and the model says, "Put your thumb out on the desk.". Still agitated, the photographer says, "What? Ok, whatever.", and puts his thumb out on the desk. The model grabs a heavy paperweight and smashes it down on his thumb.

After screaming in pain for awhile, the photographer looks at the model and says, "What the hell did you do that for??!!". The model says, "Well, look at your thumb. It's ALREADY turning black, and it's only been banged ONCE!".