Just a funny:

[Samckitt]

How come old people tap you on the shoulder at weddings & births & say "You're next."? How about we do that to them at funerals......

[Pro Stock]

]
]

[John Wright]

100 MILE AN HOUR GOAT

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are
walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.
They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole; I
can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it
is."

The second hunter says" I don't know, let's
throw something down and listen, and see how long it takes
to hit bottom."

The first hunter says "There's this old automobile
transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in
and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, two
and three,and throw it in the hole.
They are standing there listening and looking over the edge
when they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.
As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through
the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump
in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other,
looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was
all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there",
says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see
my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we
were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running
out of the bushes doin' about a
hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into
this hole here!"

The old farmer said "Why that's impossible, I had
him chained to a transmission!"

[minendrews68]

THAT was a good one John...

Carl

[John Wright]

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainier, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

[WS6]

worst part is they still passed the test I bet.


that goat one was great! I love simple jokes like that.

[shmoov69]

A man escapes from a prison and breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. I love you, too!"

[shmoov69]

This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my left and there was a




Woman

In a brand new Cadillac


Doing 65 mph


With her Face up next to her

Rear view mirror

Putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away

For a couple seconds...

to continue shaving

And when I looked back she was

Halfway over in my lane,


Still working on that makeup.

As a man,

I don't scare easily.

But she scared me so much;
I dropped

My electric shaver


Which knocked

The donut
Out of my other hand.

In all The confusion of trying
To straighten out the car


Using my knees against
The steering wheel,


It knocked

My Cell Phone


Away from my ear


Which fell


Into the coffee

Between my legs!


Splashed,


And burned
Big Lou and the Twins,


Ruined the damn phone,

Soaked my trousers,


And disconnected an
Important call.

Damn women drivers!

[shmoov69]

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.


She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.


At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times till her husband says... "Are you wearing crotch less panties?"


"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.


"Thank God for that... I thought you were sitting on the cat.





He never heard the gunshot.

[6'9"Witha69]

A professor at the Monash University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The Redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Bubba replied, "****, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

[shmoov69]

Boudreaux live across de bayou from Clarence, who he don like at all. Dey all de time yell across de bayou at each other. Boudreaux would yell to Clarence, "If I had a way to cross dis bayou, I'd come over dere an beat you up good, yeah!"

Dis went on for years. Finally de state done built a bridge across dat bayou right by dere houses; and Boudreaux's wife, Marie, say, "Now is you chance, Boudreaux. Why don you go over der an beat up dat Clarence like you say?"

Boudreaux say, "OK," and start across de bridge, but he see a sign on de bridge an he stop to read it and den he go back home.

Marie say, "Why you back so soon?"

And Boudreaux say, "Marie, I dun change my mind 'bout beatin' up dat Clarence. You know Marie, dey got a sign on dat dere bridge dat say, 'Clarence 13 ft. 6 in.' You know, he don look near dat big when I yell at him across de bayou."

[shmoov69]

Copper wire:

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York Scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years

and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a
telephone network more than 100 years ago.


Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists, finding of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers".


One week later. A local newspaper in Missouri reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Salem,
Missouri, Old Bill Jadwin a self-taught archaeologist, reported
that he found absolutely nothing. Old Bill Jadwin has therefore
concluded that 300 years ago, Missouri had already gone wireless".

Just makes me proud to live in Missouri!!!

[shmoov69]

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick.

Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss John says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.

When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex.

That Makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say and I feel Great.

I be at work soon.........You got nice house'

[shmoov69]

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.




They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.


The next morning they went to the beach Dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs,

Enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said

'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father? 'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' She replied,



'Father, it's me............ Sister Kathleen!'

[twosaturns]

A Priest and a Rabbi are watching over a playground full of kids.
The Priest says "hey, let's go screw some little boys"

The Rabbi says "out of what?"

[shmoov69]

A little guy is sitting at the bar staring at his foaming beer, when a large, nasty biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig ..

" Well , watcha' gonna do about it ? " he says menacingly , as the little guy bursts into tears.............


" Come on , man , " the biker says, " I didn't think you'd cry . I can't stand to see a man crying .. "


" This is the worst day of my life , " says the little guy . " I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me . When I went to the parking lot , I found my car stolen and I don't have any insurance . I left my wallet in the cab I took home . I found my wife in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me . So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all ."


" I buy a beer. I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then a wise-ass like you shows up and drinks the whole thing."

[shmoov69]

Hellmann's Mayonnaise - a bit of history.

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England . In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York . This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico . But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as -

Sinko De Mayo.

WHAT??? You expected something educational from me??

[shmoov69]

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, they watched the boss leave work early. One day, the girls
decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would
she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early...she did a little
gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout

at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband,

but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.

Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband

in bed with her boss! Gently she closed the door and crept out of the house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again,

and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"No way!" the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

[John Wright]

Disclaimer: This came in an email with all CAPS...and I'm not retyping it...LOL





Subject: Do you know the front from the back of a tree?

A REDNECK FROM GEORGIA DECIDES TO TRAVEL ACROSS THE SOUTH TO VIRGINIA
TO SEE GOD'S COUNTRY.

WHEN HE GETS TO FRANKLIN , HE LIKES THE PLACE SO MUCH THAT HE DECIDES
TO STAY. BUT FIRST HE MUST FIND A JOB!!!! HE WALKS INTO THE
INTERNATIONAL PAPER COMPANY OFFICE AND FILLS OUT AN APPLICATION AS AN
EXPERIENCED LOG INSPECTOR. IT'S HIS LUCKY DAY!!! THEY
JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE, BUT FIRST, THE LOG FOREMAN
TAKES HIM FOR A RIDE INTO THE FOREST IN THE COMPANY PICKUP TRUCK TO
SEE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS.

THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A TREE
"SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT SPECIES IT IS
AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS."

THE REDNECK PROMPTLY ANSWERS, "THAT THAR'S A WHITEPINE, 383 BOARD FEET OF
LUMBER IN 'ER."

THE FOREMAN IS IMPRESSED!!! HE PUTS THE TRUCK IN MOTION AND STOPS
ABOUT A MILE DOWN THE ROAD. HE POINTS AT
ANOTHER TREE THROUGH THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND ASKS THE SAME QUESTION.
THIS TIME, IT'S A BIGGER TREE OF A DIFFERENT CLASS.

"THAT'S A LOBLOLLY PINE AND SHE'S GOT
ABOUT 456 CLEAR BOARD FEET."

THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED WITH THE GOOD OL' BOY, HE HAS BEEN QUICK
AND GOT THE ANSWERS RIGHT WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR!!!!

ONE MORE TEST... THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD, AND THE
FOREMAN STOPS AGAIN. THIS TIME, HE POINTS ACROSS THROUGH HIS
DRIVER SIDE WINDOW AND SAYS, "AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?"

BEFORE THE FOREMAN FINISHES POINTING, THE REDNECK SAYS, "WHITE OAK,
242 BOARD FEET AT BEST."

THE FOREMAN SPINS THE TRUCK AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE HE'S A
LITTLE TICKED OFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE RED NECK IS SMARTER THAN HE
IS. AS THEY
NEAR THE OFFICE, THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS BUBBA TO STEP
OUTSIDE.HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND TELLS HIM, "SEE THAT TREE
OVER THERE?" "I WANT YOU TO MARK AN X ON THE FRONT OF THAT TREE!!"

THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, "IDIOT, HOW WOULD HE KNOW WHICH IS THE
FRONT OF THE TREE?"

WHEN BUBBA REACHES THE TREE, HE GOES AROUND IT IN A CIRCLE WHILE
LOOKING AT THE GROUND. HE THEN REACHES UP AND PLACES A WHITE X ON THE
TRUNK.

HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN AND HANDS HIM THE CHALK. "THAT THAR'S THE
FRONT," THE REDNECK SAYS.

THE FOREMAN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AND ASKS SARCASTICALLY, "HOW IN THE HELL DO
YOU KNOW THAT'S THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"

THE GOOD OL' BOY LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET, WHILE RUBBING THE TOE OF HIS LEFT BOOT

CLEANING IT IN THE GRAVEL AND REPLIES, "CUZ SOMEBODY
TOOK A $H!T BEHIND IT!"

HE GOT THE JOB.

[shmoov69]

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other,
a Chihuahua.


As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her
friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."


The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there, we've got dogs with
us."


The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do." They walked
over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses
and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets
allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my
seeing-eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"


The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The
bouncer said, "OK, come on in."


The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua
was a seeing-eye dog might be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the
heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."


The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."


The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"



The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a f..king
Chihuahua?!"