Just a funny:

[6'9"Witha69]

:rofl:

[smooth68]

A lady takes her pet schnauzer to the vet because it is having trouble with keeping its balance and has been bumping into walls....

The vet takes a look at the dog and as he is looking into the dogs ears says " ahhh I see the trouble, your dog has an ear infection that is being caused by the hair growing into the ear canal....This can easily be fixed, just go to your local pharmacy, pick up some cottonballs and Nair hair remover....Put some of the hair remover onto the cottonballs and put them into your dogs ears, repeat until the hair is gone and the infection will clear up!

The lady thanks him and leaves...As she enters the phamacy she stops a pharmacist and asks him where the hair removal cream is...

He kindly walks her to the hair removal products and tells her that he really does not recommend using this product because it causes his girlfriends legs to dry out badly and cuases snags in her pantyhose...she tells him she does not need it for her legs....He then tells her that she should not use this stuff for arm pit hair either because it causes severe chapping and skin rash there!
She then tells the pharmacist..." Listen sir I dont need it for my legs or my armpits, I need it for my schnauzer!....He looks at her and says "Lady if you put that stuff on your schnauzer you wont be able to ride a bike for weeks!!!

[6'9"Witha69]

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor. The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared....

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WAL-MART!'

[6'9"Witha69]

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise'.

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'

The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'

'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck'.

[6'9"Witha69]

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding...

Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.

He tried a fourth time with the same result.

He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace...

Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat
belt...

[6'9"Witha69]

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, 'We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings '

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully,

'We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings ...'

The bear, very angry now, says, 'If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.'

The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve beer to Belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings '

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, 'Sorry, but we especially don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs.'

The bear looks at him quizzically and says, 'I'm not on drugs.'

The bartender says, 'You are now. That was a barbitchyouate'

[WS6]

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night
with the tip of her index finger shot off.

'How did this happen?' the emergency room
doctor asked her.

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde
replied.

'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to
commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'

'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the
gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000 for these implants.
I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'

'So then?' asked the doctor.

'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I
just paid $3,000 to get my teeth straightened I'm not
shooting myself in the mouth.'

'So then?'

'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This
is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my
other ear before I pulled the trigger.

[WS6]

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the
matter?'

The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone
call saying that my mother had passed away.'

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't
you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and
rest.'

'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep
my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that
here.'

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A
couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the
blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde
crying hysterically.

'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he
asks.

'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a
horrible call from my sister. Her mother died,
too!

[m6z]

So the judge says to mickey mouse " you want a divorce 'cause your wife is silly?"

Mickey: " I didnt say she was silly, I said she f---ing goofy."

good one.

[WS6]

I found this highly amusing.

http://cleveland.craigslist.org/mis/1351031870.html

copied for posterity

First off I want to relieve your fears that you probably don't or at least I hope you don't have AIDS.

When I came home 3 days ago I heard what was obviously mediocre sex going on in my bedroom. Since I quickly made the deduction that someone had probably not broken into my apartment for some quick copulation I figured I had just caught my wife cheating on me which I had long suspected. Your ofish grunts were so loud that I actually had to reopen the door and slam it again for you two to hear me. I stood in the entry for a while as I heard you both scramble before calling out that I was home.

When I walked into the bedroom my wife had some excuse about having a headache and when asked about the nighty she was wearing she said it was the most comfortable thing she could find. Oh...and btw, I don't know how many affairs that you participate in but a word of advice is that when you hide in the closest from an angry husbands you shouldn't leave a few toes hanging out from under the door. At this point I am in a bit of a predicament.... I could have the typical masculine response and open the door and beat the piss out of you but then you might file charges and quite frankly I just don't really care enough. Not to mention I don't know how big you are and I couldn't think of anything much worse than finding your wife cheating on you and then get pummeled by her new lover. It entered my mind to have some marathon sex and make you stand and watch the whole thing but seeing how she is a dirty whore the idea grossed me out a little. I came pretty close to just hanging out and masterbating but I am glad I went the direction I did.

So in liue of those options I thought of the funniest thing I could do for my own personal amusement. I sat her down on the bed and looked deeply in her eyes and told her that I had been diagnosed with early stages of AIDS. Recently I have had a series of colds and went to the doctor who told me it was probably just a string of bad luck and it was going around a little bit. The whole thing took about 2 hours and involved a lot of yelling, accusing and crying.

I felt like I hadn't punished you quite enough, even though I fully acknowledge that it really isn't your fault at all, so I told her that the illness was making me tired so I needed to lay down. I could hear her on the phone making an appointment with the doctor and I could hear you rustling around in the closest. You did a great job holding still seeing how you probably aren't used to standing in a 3'x4' closest for hours and hours on end but if I hadn't already known you were there you would have been caught for sure.

After about another hour of laying in bed thinking of what I was going to do I felt sorry for you to be mixed up in this crazy thing so I said I was going to go fill the prescriptions the doctor gave me and left the apartment so you could leave. I hope that you weren't too uncomfortable in there and actually felt a little guilty about it later.

Anyways, I put this in missed connections because I actually wouldn't mind taking you out and buying you a drink. After all that is some funny stuff to laugh about and you are saving me thousands in alimony since my wife cheated and the least I can do is repay you for a $4.00 beer.

Again no hard feelings and best of luck!

BTW, you might still want to get your self tested since my wife is a dirty whore.

[Damn True]

So the other day I'm on my way to work and I see a Volvo C-30.



They aren't fast, but are kinda cool little cars. This one had some nice aftermarket wheels on it, lowered a bit. It looked good.

As I pull alongside I notice a yellow, shield shaped decal on the front quarter with a prancing animal. Right away, I'm thinking "That idiot put a Scuderia Ferrari Cavallo decal on his Volvo! Bwahahahahahahah!"

Oh contraire.....



I snorted coffee all over my dash. Had to roll down my window and tell the guy how freakin funny it was.

Bravo my friend, bravo!

[6'9"Witha69]

Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road.

They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read:

'Da End be Near
Turn Yo Sef 'Roun Now
Afore It Be Too Late!'

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You religious nuts!'
From the curve they heard screeching tires, and a big splash...
Boudreaux turns to Thibodaux and asks, 'Do ya tink maybe da sign should jussay.....'Bridge Out?'

[Damn True]

[6'9"Witha69]

Buahahahahha!

[6'9"Witha69]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!'

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night' She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'

John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, ' John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary .'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

[6'9"Witha69]

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife,
'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:
BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets,
BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,
BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

'From now on when I say BELL 1'
I want you to strip naked.
When I say BELL 2’
I want you to jump in bed.
And when I say BELL 3’
We are going to make love all night.

The next night he came home from work and yelled'
BELL 1!'
The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled 'BELL 2!'
The wife jumped into bed.

When he yelled 'BELL 3!'
They began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!'

What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband?

'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied 'YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'

[Pro Stock]

What do you call a Somalian with a yeast infection ?

: A Quarter Pounder with cheese

[Roger M]

A young man moved from his parents' home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.
How can you think that the best par t of my body is my ears?'
Clearing his throat, he stammered ..... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me..'

[WS6]

lol, LOVE IT!

[shmoov69]

Lmao! I'm all hot and bothered now!
Good one!