Just a funny:

[JoshStratton]

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.

The man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

The wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

The man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

[TonyL]

[TonyL]

I'll go next:

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence. We both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"

The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident.

See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, Id like two tickets to Pittsburgh, I accidentally said Id like two pickets to Tittsburgh., so she socked me a good one."

The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.

But I accidentally said, "You've ruined my life, you evil, self-centered, fat-assed biotch."

[Damn True]

A Rabbi, a Priest, a Preacher, a horse, an alligator and a duck all walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this, some kinda freakin joke?"

[vanzuuk1]

So the judge says to mickey mouse " you want a divorce 'cause your wife is silly?"

Mickey: " I didnt say she was silly, I said she f---ing goofy."

[69rs]

Those are funny, but do y'all realize what's gonna happen when Bob sees this thread?!?

[69rs]

Alright, alright!

A man runs into the house yelling, "Honey , pack your bags, I've just won the lottery!"
She says, "Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?"
He says, "I don't care, just get out!"

[6'9"Witha69]

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on theTexas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at
the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said,
"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head ! and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said,
"What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I ! just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but . . "
He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying,
"All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely!right! His bio says he wears contacts!
How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, duh! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!"

[6'9"Witha69]

A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde gal in a convertible sports car for speeding. She walks up to the car and asks the blonde for her driver's license. The blonde convertible driver searches through her purse in vain. Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"

The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your picture on it." The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it, and sure enough sees herself.

She hands the compact to the blonde cop. After a few seconds looking at the compact, the blonde cop rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver, and says, "If you would have told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over, we could have avoided this whole thing."

[toxicz28]

A Saudi Arabian prince comes to the U.S. to visit Washington D.C. While there, he stops in to meet President Bush. After the introductions, and some small talk, they are sitting in the oval office and the prince turns around and says, " My son really likes American t.v., especially science fiction. He is a very big fan of Star Trek." Bush replys, "I like to watch Star trek too." The prince then says, "Yes, it's a very good show. Men and women, Americans and Russians and Asians, blacks and whites all working together. But what he was wondering, is why aren't there any Arabs?" President Bush looks over at the Saudi prince and says, "Because it's in the future."

[Damn True]

Oooooooh!


President Bush is at his morning briefing. DHS Sec Chertoff gives him an update on Katrina cleanup. DOJ Sec Gonzales gives him an update on the Abramoff investigation. Rumsfeld gives him a long detailed update on the situation in Iraq.

As Rumsfeld is wrapping up an aide comes to his side and hands him a sheet of paper which Rumsfeld reads. He says, "Mr. President, I've just received some news. Three Brazilian soldiers were killed this morning in Fallujah.

The President is mortified. He wails. He curses. He sobs with his head in his hands as the Cabinet looks on in dismay.

The President pauses, then leans over to Condi Rice and whispers, "How many in a brazillion?"

[Damn True]

A Helium atom and a Hydrogen atom are sitting at a bar getting ripped.
The Hydrogen atom gets up to take a leak and upon his return he is patting his pockets and says, "Dude, I think I lost an electron!"

The Helium atom says, "Oh man, that sucks. Are you sure?"

The Hydrogen atom says, "Yeah, I'm positive."

[Bill Howell]

Those are funny, but do y'all realize what's gonna happen when Bob sees this thread?!?

My thoughts exactly...

[TonyL]

A Helium atom and a Hydrogen atom are sitting at a bar getting ripped.
The Hydrogen atom gets up to take a leak and upon his return he is patting his pockets and says, "Dude, I think I lost an electron!"

The Helium atom says, "Oh man, that sucks. Are you sure?"

The Hydrogen atom says, "Yeah, I'm positive."

HA! science humor!

/recovering nerd.

//A neutron walks into a bar. He asks the bartender for a drink. When
it's served, he asks how much it will be.

"For you," the bartender answers, "no charge."

[ProTouring442]

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walk into a bar....

You would think that at least one of them would have seen it!


Here's one for the kids: Where does the king put his armies?

In his sleevies!



Shiny Side Up!
Bill
'72 442 "Inamorata"

[shmoov69]

Ohhh, soo many jokes.......sooo few clean ones!!
A lady was on the bus with her baby when a drunk staggered in front of the woman, looked down and said,"Lady, that is the ugliest baby I've ever seen." The woman started crying, and everyone on the bus wanted to kick the drunk off. They made such a big fuss that the bus driver pulled over and stopped and the drunk rushed out.
The driver went to the back of the bus and asked, "What seems to be the matter?"
The woman was crying so hard she couldn't speak.
"Look, I don't know what he said to you," said the driver, "but I'm going to get you a cup of tea to calm you down." He got off the bus, went into a cafe, then came back with the tea. "Calm down," said the driver.
"Everything's fine now. See I brought you this cup of tea, and I also brought a banana for your pet monkey."

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load
of seniors down a highway
when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts,
which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder
again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again
he asks the little old lady,
" Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks,
"Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied,
"We just love the chocolate around them."


A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bathing."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."


> >A father put his daughter to bed and listened to her prayers. She
ended
by
> >saying: "God Bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and
good-bye
> >grandpa." The father asked: "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The
little
> >girl said: "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to
do." The
> >next day, grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange
coincidence.
> >
> >A few months later, the father put the girl to bed and listened to
her
> >prayers, which went like this: "God bless mommy, God bless daddy and
> >good-bye grandma." The next day, the grandmother died. Oh my gosh,
thought
> >the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
> >
> >Several weeks later, the father heard his daughter say: "God bless
mommy
> >and
> >good-bye daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep
all
> >night
> >and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous
as a
> >cat
> >all day, had lunch sent in, and watched the clock. He figured if he
could
> >get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office,
so
> >instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there,
drinking
> >coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally,
when
> >midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When
he got
> >home his wife said: "I've never seen you work so late, what's the
matter?"
> >He said: "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst
day of
> >my
> >life." She said: "You think you had a bad day? You'll never believe
what
> >happened to me! This morning, the milkman dropped dead on our
porch!"

[killer69]

An elderly gentleman checks him self into an oldage home and precedes to get aquanted to his new home, after a few days he spots an attractive woman of about the same age.......... after some small talk he asks the woman " How do you like your Sex??
the woman thinks for a second and says " Infrequently"

the man ponders for a second....................
and says " is that one word .................or TWO!!!

[protour_chevelle]

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says "Where the hell
have you been?!?!"

He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?!?!" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates." he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said... shaking her head in
disdain;

"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on
his privates?"

Her husband replies, "Well for one... I like to watch my money grow.

Two...once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three... I like how money feels in my hand.

And lastly... instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here
at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!!"


Theres some good ones posted so far!!!

-Matt

[MoeBawlz]

I just heard this one today...

So a man from the UP walks into a bank and tells the teller that he wants to apply for a job there as an accountant.

The teller kindly says, "well you have to be good with math, can you show me that you can handle yourself?"
The man from the UP nods.
So the teller says ok can you show me how you would add to the number 9?
So the man from the UP takes a sheet of paper and draws three trees on the paper.
The teller looks at him and says "how does that equal 9?"
The man says "Tree + tree + tree = 9"
the teller says ok well how about adding for 99?
The man smudges the three trees.
The teller confused askes "how does that equal 99?"
the man looks at him and says "dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree =99"
the teller says "ok how about 100?"
So the man puts a terd on each of the trees and says, "Dirty tree and a terd + Dirty tree and a terd + Dirty tree and a terd = 100"

[toxicz28]

A store selling new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1: These men Have Jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2: These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. "Wow" she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!," she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!." Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help With Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6: You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at The Husband Store.

!

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives who love sex.

The second floor has wives who love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.