Just a funny:

[shmoov69]

Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.



The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.





The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.



At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.


She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

'Feels great,' he replied; 'but I still think my thumb's broken!'

[shmoov69]

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral
director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no
family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the
Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical
man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone
and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew
left and they were eating lunch.

I felt bad and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of
the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't
know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played
out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played
like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I
wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and
started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never
seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for
twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost!!

[shmoov69]

An elderly lady was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening.

She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say,'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names'.

The elderly lady hung her head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old a$$hole what his name is.'

[shmoov69]

Cowboy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache. " The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow." The guy replies, "If you weren't such a bi+ch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep.

[Van B]

Cowboy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache. " The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow." The guy replies, "If you weren't such a bi+ch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep.

Take a look at the first post of this thread. Not sure why I remembered, but...

[shmoov69]

Dooohh!!! Well, it's been 5 years now, so it was worth repeating!! LOL!

How in the heck did you remember that?!?! LOL

[shmoov69]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.



"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"



"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."



The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."



"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."



The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."



The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.



Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"



"1955, ma'am."



"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!” She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.



Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."



The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."



(Gotta love military time.)

[Van B]

Dooohh!!! Well, it's been 5 years now, so it was worth repeating!! LOL!

How in the heck did you remember that?!?! LOL

One of my favorite jokes. Can't believe it was in 2006 that it was posted.

[shmoov69]

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobd. I can splash it on my eyes."

[Samckitt]

[WS6]

Two medical students were walking along the street in Minneapolis when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.

One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry
Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely
has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They
approached the old man and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me what you
think."

One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought.......... but you're wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought.......... but you're wrong."

So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?" And the old man said:

"I thought it was a fart................. ......but I was wrong."

[WS6]

A Penguin biker (Pb) takes his bike to the bike shop, he's talking to the shop owner, the (So).

Pb -"can you have a look at the front end? there's something wrong with it."

So - "sure, come back in half an hour ..... I should be done".

.......1/2 hr............

So - "well it looks like you've blown a seal"

Pb - " what!! ..... no no ... I just ate a ice cream (wiping chin)

[WS6]

Girls' Night Out

Why females should avoid a girls' night after they are married.

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said,"We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh ****.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

[shmoov69]

Thanks for bringing it to the top!! LOL

[shmoov69]

Anyone here relate?!?? Lol!

[shmoov69]

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant
you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed
to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make
your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women
will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful
woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the
world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's
his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd
like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop
here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...

...
...
...
...
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife ..

Moral of the story: Women are not really smart, they just think they are.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to
show that women never listen!!!

[WS6]

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh...


"Of course I won't laugh", said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over
twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.

Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure

"I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a

nurse and a lady, it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?



...."It's swollen," Fred replied.

She ran out of the room.

[shmoov69]

Latest research from the Mayo Clinic...

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus? It's called the
Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a $hitty outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your a$$ and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes.

My public service is done for the day.....actually my second one for the day!

[shortrack]

What did the guy say to the blonde he just banged after picking her up in a bar a few hours earlier???

"Hey, wow that was pretty awesome......you're really hot!"

"You know what? You should slip into something more comfortable....like a cab........"

[twosaturns]

depressed looking guy walks into a bar.
bartender asks "hey, what's the matter?"
guy says "I'm having trouble with my mother-in-law"
bartender: "that's ok, every guy has problems with his MIL"
guy: "yeah, but I got mine pregnant!"