Just a funny:

[shmoov69]

Doug Smith is on his deathbed, and he knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him. So, he says to them: "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses." "Sybil, take the apartments over in Pall Mall." "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre." "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the Thames." The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Doug slips away, she says "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property." Sarah replies, "Property? ... the a$$hole had a paper route!"

[Ron Sutton]

Doug Smith is on his deathbed, and he knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him. So, he says to them: "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses." "Sybil, take the apartments over in Pall Mall." "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre." "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the Thames." The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Doug slips away, she says "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property." Sarah replies, "Property? ... the a$$hole had a paper route!"

Nice! That's a new one on me.

[shmoov69]

I overheard 2 guys in the bar the other day.

I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at a bar in Wisconsin Dells.

One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."

His buddy says, "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and
I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."

A fellow about my age (73), sitting a couple of stools
down had also over-heard the conversation. He looked
over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says,

"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that crap!"






Wait a minute.... That's not that funny!!!!

[shmoov69]

What happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4
hours?

I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The
woman I was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she
and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.

She then asked if she could help me.


I said that it was something that I would be much more comfortable
discussing with a male pharmacist.


The lady pharmacist assured me that she was completely professional and
whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she
would treat me with a high level of professionalism.


I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, This is tough for me to discuss,
but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me
a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you
could give me for it.

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute , I'll talk to my sister"..


When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the
absolute best we can do.


...1/3 ownership in the store,

...a company pickup truck,

...a king size bed and

...$3,000 a month in living expenses"

[Ron Sutton]

[rat_rod_russell]

My girlfriend and I were in bed the other night when she rolled over an looked at me with "that" look in her eye.

With a tiny devilish grin she said "say something, dirty."

"Dirty?" I reply with a rye touch in my voice as I looked into her eyes.

She blushed a little and said back "ya, really dirty"

So I I reached out quickly, caught the back of her neck and slowly pulled her ear right up to my mouth, and with the low husky wispier I said.

"The Kitchen, the bathroom, the interior of the PT-57 and the garage"

Shortly after that I went to sleep to continue dreaming of being back in the shop working on my new project.

[shmoov69]

LoL! Surprised you woke up!!

[shmoov69]

Thought for the day


Wisdom
It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your balls that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without resorting to violence ...

[riles]

Buddy sent me this one today:

Why do some women wear underwear with flowers on them?

In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.


I'm in trouble for that one.

[riles]

A pretty blonde lady gets stopped while speeding in her little red sports car. The officer, a blonde woman as well, exits her squad and approaches the sports car and asks the blonde driver to see her license. The driver digs through her purse, starts getting agitated,then dumps it's contents on the passenger seat. The driver then stops and asks "what's the license look like"? The officer responds "it's small and rectangular with your image on it".
The drivers continues looking then finds a small mirror, looks at it and then hands it to the officer.
The officer looks at the mirror, hands it back to the driver and responds " You're free to go. But, next time tell me you're a police officer."

[shmoov69]

Sal was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.


On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.


The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.


He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....


Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.



The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!"


"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."


The man broke down and sobbed.


The doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just screwing with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"

[Ron Sutton]

Nice. LOL.

[shmoov69]

How I lost my teeth

Was in a Ft. Pierre, SD Tavern last night, sitting at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on the butt. She said, "Hey sexy, how about giving me your number!
I looked at her and said, "Have you got a pen?"



She said, "I sure do."

I said, "Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you're missing."

My dental surgery is on Monday.

[minendrews68]

Dang Jimmy, you crack me up!! I really like these "just a funny" jokes.

Thought for the day


Wisdom
It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your balls that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without resorting to violence ...

[shmoov69]

Thank ya.... Thank ya vury much!

[Ron Sutton]

how i lost my teeth

was in a ft. Pierre, sd tavern last night, sitting at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on the butt. She said, "hey sexy, how about giving me your number!
I looked at her and said, "have you got a pen?"

she said, "i sure do."

i said, "well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you're missing."

my dental surgery is on monday.

lmao !

[minendrews68]

My best friend called yesterday very down hearted. He started by telling me the story of how he was almost certain his wife was cheating on him.
"What makes you think she's cheating?" I asked,
"Well, he started in," "She's been working late almost every night, We hardly do anything together any more, and every time the phone rings and I answer they hang up. If she answers she goes into another room and talks really low so I can't hear"
"What are you gonna do?," I asked. "well, the other night she called and said she was working late and would be home later, So I waited outside crouched down behind my Mustang 'til she came home." "A car pulled up at the end of the drive way, she got out of the car buttoning up her shirt, zipping up her jeans, her hair was a mess and her makeup was smeared."
Naturally, I didn't know what to say, but he continued on "It was at that moment, crouched down behind the Mustang that I noticed a hair line crack in my lower control arm! Now I'm wondering... can this be welded, or am I going to have to get a new one?"
I thought, man knows where his priorities are..

[shmoov69]

LoL!
I'm guessing that most if these are reruns after this many years!

[shmoov69]

A guy goes into the post office to apply for a job . . . The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour." The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am; and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day." The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?" "This is a government job." the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

[shmoov69]

A small zoo in Connecticut obtained a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Danny Zwick, a redneck former insurance industry executive and now part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Danny, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Danny was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Danny showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:

"First", Danny said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Fourth", Danny said, "I want all the children raised in my faith." Once again it was agreed.

"And last," Danny said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00.