Just a funny:

[twosaturns]

depressed looking guy walks into a bar.
bartender asks "hey, what's the matter?"
guy says "I'm having trouble with my mother-in-law"
bartender: "that's ok, every guy has problems with his MIL"
guy: "yeah, but I got mine pregnant!"

[Lenie]

Why did the rooster cross the road??




























To prove he wasn't chicken!!


Har har har!!!

He was pinned to the punk rocker

[shmoov69]

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain.

His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.


Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'


'No rike Chinese?' asks the copilot, '....why not?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why !'

'No, no,' the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'


'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There's a few minutes of silence.


'I no rike Jews either!' the copilot suddenly announces.


'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.


'Jews sink Titanic.'


'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'

'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg ...no mattah... all same.'

[shmoov69]

BTT!!

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.

They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, shot with a 7mm Mag rifle." He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills several more times, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home drunk and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.

He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but I think I'd remember a brawl. Where did I get this black eye?"

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, 'Skunk, killed with an axe"

[shmoov69]

The sex between the wife and me had been a bit unsatisfying of late,

so she told me, "Go to the pharmacy and get some of those pills that

will help you to get an erection."

You can imagine her reaction when I came back from the drug store and

tossed her the diet pills!

......almost got me killed!

[shortrack]

How do they serve drinks on an Italian cruise ship???

on the rocks!

[shmoov69]

Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, took a
lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch.*
Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.*
He said: “How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my
fiancé, Lena, is still a virgin - in every vay.”
The doctor told him” “Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let
it heal & keep it straight.*
It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you can.”*
He took four tongue depressors & formed a neat little 4-sided splint & taped
it all together...quite an impressive work of art.
Olaf mentioned none of this to Lena, married her & they went on their
honeymoon to Duluth.
That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her
beautiful, untouched breasts. *
She said: “Olaf... you're the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deeze.”
Olaf immediately dropped his pants & replied:*
“Look at dis Lena ...still in DA CRATE!

[shmoov69]

A redneck was walking home late at night and sees a woman in
the shadows.

"Twenty dollars", she whispers.

Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but decides what
the heck, it's only twenty bucks, so they hide in the
bushes.

They're in there for only a minute when all of a sudden a
light flashes on them. It's a police officer. "What's going
on here, people?", asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife!", Bubba answers sounding
annoyed.

"Oh, I'm sorry", says the cop, "I didn't know."

Bubba says, "Well, neither did I, till ya shined that light
in her face."

[shmoov69]

BTT
C'mon guys!! Seems nobody but me likes funnies! LOL!



An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said... 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'...
'What is Irish Viagra?', she asked.
'It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'
It was a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor woman exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee, and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arms, he sent me cups and saucers flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex that your husband provided wasn't good?'
'Freakin' jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!

[shmoov69]

Vaseline
A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
“I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”
She said, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”
“If you don’t mind my asking,” he said, “what do you use it for?” “We use it for sex,” she said.
The researcher was a little taken aback. “Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge.
But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?”
The woman said, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out.”

[shmoov69]

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked...

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.


On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

[Timberdoodle]

Little girl walks into the kitchen and ask's her mother if she can take their dog Sally for a walk.
Her mother tells her no, that Sally is in heat.
The little girl ask's her what "in heat" is
Her mother says that she is very busy, to go to the garage and ask her daddy.
The little girl proceeds to the garage where she asks her father the same question at which he stops to ponder his reply.
Daddy picks up a shop rag and wours gas on it and rubs Sally's rear end with it.
Daddy gives the little girl strict orders, as he hands her the leash, telling her to take Sally around the block one time and straight back to the house.
Little girl returns in about five minutes with the leash in her hand and her dad asks where the dog was
She tells her father that Sally ran out of gas half way around the block, but not to worry, there was another dog trying to push her home!

[shmoov69]

Why did Captain Hook cross the road?









To go to a second hand store!!




C'mon guys!! This thing on?!?! Nobody have any funnies anymore?!? LoL!

[Ron Sutton]

That is corny & funny ... just the way I tell them.

[Ron Sutton]

Marketing Explained

The buzz word in today's business world is marketing. However, people often ask for a simple explanation of the concept. Well, my long time friend Susan ... who is single ... explained it me. Here it is -- everything you need to know about marketing.

I'm a woman and I see a handsome guy at a party. I go up to him and say, "Hi ... I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.

I'm at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of my girlfriends goes up to him and, pointing at me, says, "She's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.

I see a handsome guy at a party. I go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day I call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.

I see a guy at a party, I straighten my dress. I walk up to him and pour him a drink. Then say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing my breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations

I'm at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to me and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.

I'm at a party and see a handsome guy. I can tell he fancies me, but I talk him into going home with my friend instead.
That's a Sales Representative.

My friend can't satisfy him so he calls me.
That's Tech Support.

I'm on my way to a party when I realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses I'm passing. So I climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of my lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
That's Junk Mail.

.

[riles]

A penguin walks into a trans shop and tells the mechanic, his car hesitates on acceleration and winds out on the highway.
Mechanic says , "It'll be a while, I'll look at the car as soon as a lift opens".
Penguin says he'll wait and then decides he'll grab a bite to eat at the cafe across the street.
The penguin is seated and orders the fish platter and at this time he sees his car going on the lift.
The waitress watches in amazement as the penguin digs in with his face and gobbles up his meal.
After the penguin is done the waitress asks if he would like dessert or is there anything else she may get him.
The penguin looks across at the shop and sees his car still on the lift, so he decides to order a large bowl of ice cream.
Again the penguin digs in, face first and gobbles up the ice cream.
When done, the penguin sees his car coming off the lift and asks for his check.
The penguin pays his bill and returns to the trans shop.
The penguin asks the mechanic "Did you find anything wrong"?
The mechanic replies " It looks like you blew a seal".

The penguins states "Nah, that's just ice cream."



Before all you nuns get on your high horse, IT'S JUST A JOKE.

[Ron Sutton]

Lol

[Ron Sutton]

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at
work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in
there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are
in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my
baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them
for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that s*** again."

.

[srh3trinity]

Back before medical school I worked for an Ophthalmologist. One day just before quitting time we got a phone call from a pediatrician at the hospital. Apparently a child had been born without eyelids. My boss stopped for a minute and was in deep thought. He asked "is the child a boy?" The pediatrician responded that he was indeed a boy. The Ophtho asked "has he been circumcised yet?" The peds doc said that he hadn't, but would be tomorrow. My boss told them to save the foreskin after the procedure and that this tissue was similar to the skin of the eyelid. The next day he went to the hospital, took the baby to the OR and successfully created some eyelids from the foreskin. Later at the office I asked him how the surgery went. He said, "everything went well, but now the kid looks a little cockeyed."

[shmoov69]

A little boy was walking down the road dragging some chicken wire. He passes by an older man sitting on the porch and he hollers at the boy and asks "boy, what are you doing dragging that chicken wire?"
The boy yells back "I'm gonna get me some chickens with this chicken wire mister!"
The man says "boy, you can't get chickens with just chicken wire!" And mutters to himself about how dumb kids are today. The boy just keeps on walking.
Later that afternoon the man sees the boy walking back by dragging the chicken wire with 6 chickens caught up in it.

The next day the man sees the boy walking by his house dragging a string and says "boy, what are you doing dragging that string down the road?!"
The boy says " mister, I'm gonna get me some ducks to follow this string and then I'll have some ducks!"
The man says "boy, you ain't gonna get any ducks to follow you home with just a string, what is wrong with you kids today?!?" He keeps muttering and the boy just walks on by.
Later that day, the boy walks by and waves at the man with 12 ducks in tow following the boy dragging the string.
The next day the man is sitting on his porch and sees the boy walking down the road and says "boy, what are you carrying today?"
The boy says I got a bundle of pussi-willows I'm carrying!"
The man says "hold on, lemmie get my jacket!!"