Just a funny:

[Ron Sutton]

[rat_rod_russell]

My girlfriend and I were in bed the other night when she rolled over an looked at me with "that" look in her eye.

With a tiny devilish grin she said "say something, dirty."

"Dirty?" I reply with a rye touch in my voice as I looked into her eyes.

She blushed a little and said back "ya, really dirty"

So I I reached out quickly, caught the back of her neck and slowly pulled her ear right up to my mouth, and with the low husky wispier I said.

"The Kitchen, the bathroom, the interior of the PT-57 and the garage"

Shortly after that I went to sleep to continue dreaming of being back in the shop working on my new project.

[shmoov69]

LoL! Surprised you woke up!!

[shmoov69]

Thought for the day


Wisdom
It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your balls that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without resorting to violence ...

[minendrews68]

Dang Jimmy, you crack me up!! I really like these "just a funny" jokes.

Thought for the day


Wisdom
It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your balls that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without resorting to violence ...

[riles]

Buddy sent me this one today:

Why do some women wear underwear with flowers on them?

In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.


I'm in trouble for that one.

[riles]

A pretty blonde lady gets stopped while speeding in her little red sports car. The officer, a blonde woman as well, exits her squad and approaches the sports car and asks the blonde driver to see her license. The driver digs through her purse, starts getting agitated,then dumps it's contents on the passenger seat. The driver then stops and asks "what's the license look like"? The officer responds "it's small and rectangular with your image on it".
The drivers continues looking then finds a small mirror, looks at it and then hands it to the officer.
The officer looks at the mirror, hands it back to the driver and responds " You're free to go. But, next time tell me you're a police officer."

[shmoov69]

Sal was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.


On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.


The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.


He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....


Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.



The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!"


"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."


The man broke down and sobbed.


The doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just screwing with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"

[Ron Sutton]

Nice. LOL.

[shmoov69]

How I lost my teeth

Was in a Ft. Pierre, SD Tavern last night, sitting at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on the butt. She said, "Hey sexy, how about giving me your number!
I looked at her and said, "Have you got a pen?"

She said, "I sure do."

I said, "Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you're missing."

My dental surgery is on Monday.

[Ron Sutton]

how i lost my teeth

was in a ft. Pierre, sd tavern last night, sitting at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on the butt. She said, "hey sexy, how about giving me your number!
I looked at her and said, "have you got a pen?"

she said, "i sure do."

i said, "well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you're missing."

my dental surgery is on monday.

lmao !

[shmoov69]

Thank ya.... Thank ya vury much!

[minendrews68]

My best friend called yesterday very down hearted. He started by telling me the story of how he was almost certain his wife was cheating on him.
"What makes you think she's cheating?" I asked,
"Well, he started in," "She's been working late almost every night, We hardly do anything together any more, and every time the phone rings and I answer they hang up. If she answers she goes into another room and talks really low so I can't hear"
"What are you gonna do?," I asked. "well, the other night she called and said she was working late and would be home later, So I waited outside crouched down behind my Mustang 'til she came home." "A car pulled up at the end of the drive way, she got out of the car buttoning up her shirt, zipping up her jeans, her hair was a mess and her makeup was smeared."
Naturally, I didn't know what to say, but he continued on "It was at that moment, crouched down behind the Mustang that I noticed a hair line crack in my lower control arm! Now I'm wondering... can this be welded, or am I going to have to get a new one?"
I thought, man knows where his priorities are..

[shmoov69]

LoL!
I'm guessing that most if these are reruns after this many years!

[shmoov69]

A guy goes into the post office to apply for a job . . . The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour." The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am; and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day." The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?" "This is a government job." the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

[shmoov69]

A small zoo in Connecticut obtained a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Danny Zwick, a redneck former insurance industry executive and now part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Danny, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Danny was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Danny showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:

"First", Danny said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Fourth", Danny said, "I want all the children raised in my faith." Once again it was agreed.

"And last," Danny said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00.

[Ron Sutton]

Lol

[shmoov69]

A guy walks into a bar and orders two shots of Vodka.

The bar tender says, "...had a tough day?"

The man replied, "Yeah, I found out my little brother is gay".

The next day the same guy walks in to the bar again and this time orders 3 shots of Vodka.

The bartender says, "...another bad day?"

The man replied, "Yeah, I just found out my older brother is gay".

The next day the same man walks in the bar and this time orders 5 shots of Vodka.

The bartender looked at him and said, "Man, doesn't anybody in your family like women.

The man bursts into tears, then replied, "Yeah, My wife"

[shmoov69]

Sally was driving home from one of her business
Trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped
The car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like
A ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into
The car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make
A bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old
Woman just sat silently, looking intently at
Everything she saw, studying every little detail,
Until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's
A bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
Two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
She said:

'Good trade.....'

[shmoov69]

A Greek and an Italian were talking one day, discussing who had the superior culture.
Over coffee, the Greek says:- "Well, we built the Parthenon."
The Italian replies -"We built the Colosseum."
The Greek retorts "We Greeks gave birth to mathematics."
The Italian, nodding, says: "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says: "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies: "That is true, but it was the Italians who included women."