Should I marry her?

[Bow Tie 67]

" Think about it like this. The girl you really want to marry is the girl that's in your passenger seat telling you to go faster, not the girl standing in the garage shaking her head while you drive away alone. I say keep looking until you can find one that at least encourages, if not loves, one of the most important parts of your life (like you said, 1/10th of your life is completing your car. That's huge). "



Oh, I would love to meet this type of woman. The sad part is I think I did, but was spooked at how quickly things progressed.

[FunkyNova66]

Do not marry her. You will only dispise her if you do.

My wife knows my car is a part of my happiness. It would be like you telling her she can't shop or spend time with her kids.....

[Tony_SS]

I have not touched the car in the 2 1\2 years since me my fiance have dated and this is what we fight about. Its all petty stuff but it not getting resolved and I always come out the bad guy. Before I stormed out she said if you want to call the marrige off so you can finish you car just let me know.

This is textbook manipulation.. Makes you feel guilty right? Car hating women will do this to you.. don't fall for it! This is how you become the 'bad guy' as you say. You're the bad guy to HER because you're not giving up what you love... but 2 1/2 years?? Sounds like she's winning and youre suffering.

This is another sign to tell her it's off. Man up, I think you know what you want to do but are just too scared...

Ben H said it best... do what you love, the rest will fall into place.

[zbugger]

Her X had a gambling problem and 10K of saving went buy buy. Her parents farm got forclosed on during the farm crisis so you can kinda see why between her own divorce and the role money played why she has the attitude she does.

This says a lot right here. What you have to see is how she sees the money as a loss. The car will eat up a lot of money, and there's no way around it. You have to let her know that you understand that, and that it is still possible to gain some returns from it. It's an asset, not a loss. Also, once it's finished, it can be more of an asset to the family as it can be used to bring the family togther. The build process will always bring hard times. It's a fact, and it's part of the deal. It's something you're both gonna have to understand. It WILL get in the way sometimes. No way around that.

She did come right out and say the car will never be important to her. Is this enough to end it? It is after all just a car. At least to her.

That's fine. To her, it is just a car. She doesn't have to have involvement in it at all. Thing is, she has to see what it means to you. The first thing I let my girlfrien know is what my Camaro has meant to me in my life. At one point, it was my only friend. The only thing that EVER made me feel good at all. It really means a lot to me that she understands how important it is to me. Recently I've told her that I really want to spend time working on the car. The only time I have is usually on the weekend. Thing is, I spend my weekends 40 miles away in Oakland. My arms just aren't that long. She understands and has told me that any time I want to spend time working on the car to just tell her. She'll understand, and just have to spend the time either running errands, or hanging out watching me bored off her ass. But she'd do it because 1) she loves me, 2) she understands what it means to me, and 3) she loves me. If your fiance really wants you to be happy, not just with her, but in life in general, she has to understand what it means to you. I suggest you ask her just what, outside of her kids and family, brings her peace of mind and happiness. Hopefully then she will understand and learn to go along with it, and not just deal with it.

[Tony_SS]

Allen.. thats reminds me, I remember times when my wife camped out in the garage on an old bench seat out of my El Camino just to be around me while I worked on the car... Car guys need Car girls.. or at least ones that respect and understand us.

[Scott Parkhurst]

After reading all of this, and living the life I've led, I feel I can offer some advice.

Do not walk away from this woman.


RUN....as fast as you can.

She's damaged goods and feels she needs to be the boss so she doesn't get swindled again. That's fine - but not for you.

There are SO many awesome women on this planet, don't feel you need to settle for less than everything you want. There are plenty of them out there who you'd be MUCH happier with.

Did you buy the first car you saw after you sold your first one? No, you looked around, test drove a few, and kept looking until you found exactly what you were looking for.

Why should this be any different?

I didn't marry until I was 37. I test drove a LOT...but, when I finally did get married, I knew I'd be happy. She's totally fine with my cars, and that's the only way I knew I'd be able to stay happy.

There will always be hot rods getting built in my garage. It's something I do as therapy for myself, and something I want to share with my kids. It's more than worth the time and money investment for those reasons alone, without counting the joy, pride, and fun it'll bring while driving.

That, and I just plain dig it.

If she can't deal with that, you really, truly need to move on Amigo...or else you'll be divorced twice!

Take some time to get to know yourself before jumping into another relationship. Look hard in the mirror and just get to know the guy looking back at you.

Spend some time working on your car. It's been too long already.

Then, after the car is further along, and you've realized who you are and what you want, then start dating.

I've been through some similar stuff, but without the wedding rings. I had to recover before I could even think about getting serious again.

So, I built a car and went racing.

It worked for me...maybe it can work for you.



~SP~

[Tony_SS]

^^ Well said Scott!

[Martin71RS]

My wife sees my frustration with the cars, she has seen me throw wrenches through the garage window and more expletives than I care to mention. But with all of that she knows that in the end, l love working on cars!! Its a LOVE/HATE relationship, its therapeutic!!

this is my situation too.... I discussed this thread with my wife (for 10 years yesterday) and she also shares my opinion that you will not be happy and heading for a new divorce.

My wife isn't fond of my Camaro (my passion for almost 9 years now) but she understands it makes me "me", it is my personal therapy, the thing that keeps me sane. She said that after a day working on my car I am very relaxed and satisfied.....and that makes it good for her too. I balance my time between my family and the car...more family then car.

So my 0.02 = please think twice and follow your heart...a passion, your car in your case, is not something you can just set aside...it will stay in your mind forever and you will hate the one that takes it from you.

Good luck on whatever you decide.

Martin (and my wife)

[chet]

Being through something similar I would take some time for your self! Being single is great for your mind and soul. It allows clear thinking without a female influence. Yes its hard but it works.

you need to prioritize and not comprimize. layout a plan for your girlfriend that leaves lots of time for family and like one day every two weeks for the car. if she won't accdept that then you either pack in the car hobby and take up figure skating with the girls or move on to a different woman.

By you coming on a public forum and asking this you already have doubt. that doubt will not go away once married. A ring changes nothing to the man!

[Steve68]

After reading all of these I remember a little arguement with the high school G/F,

" You like this car more than me!, Yup and my cat too, (Was a car cat) Why? because the car dosen't Beiotch like you do, and it's not a pain in the ass," as she stands there looking at me, I tell her "I'll get ride of you before I ever get ride of this car"


Guess what, she called me from Miami in March to say Happy Birthday and to ask how the car was coming along, and the car is sitting in my garage!

Moral-- Women come and go, some cars come and go, but the favorite cars and real good friends are forever!

Was married, got a killer 8 yr old daughter out of the deal, But the G/F now sits in the garage and watches me work on the cars, and even likes going to the track,

[Slow Ride]

RUN AWAY!!!!

My wife hates my cars and my garage. She sees my hobby as the other woman and has said on many occasions that she would like to burn down my shop with my vehicles inside. Find a woman who understands your hobby and tries to be involved so she can spend time with you. I go shopping and other painful stuff to be with my wife, but the reverse will never happen. Someday this will lead to our divorse. She even went as far as to say she wished I'd take up drinking instead.

[HILROD]

I know a couple guys that had been in similar situations. They all no longer have ANY cars other than daily drivers. All are seperated or divorced but one. All have resentment and worse feelings for their spouses, about stopping their fun hobby. Also be warned, if it ever comes to it, wives like to take prized possesions in divorce for spite, that is if you can keep it that long.

[rohrt]

Just FYI

I posted out of frustration more then a pethetic cry for help. I do appreciate the insight that you all bring. I does give me some diffrent ways to look at things. So Thanks you.

[dcozzi]

This is who you are, heart and soul. It is a part of you that wil never change, she does not like and will get worse with time and marriage. Jealous of a car is the correct term.

I'm sorry to say this but, do not get married.

[68BNUT]

You know theres alot of good advice here. To bad men are not good at taking other peoples advice, Im sure we'd all be alot richer happier and have more free time.

My wife was not a big fan of my car but she understands that if I dont have a hobby I will go nutts, Or just start a total room remodel out of sheer boredom.

If you really wanted some advice, take these guys advice and run from that girl as fast as you can. If you were just venting and you wont leave her even if she guilt trips you into selling "YOUR" car. Let us know when its up for sale.

Harsh words im sure, but wisdom is a bitch sometimes.

[TonyL]

Just FYI

I posted out of frustration more then a pethetic cry for help. I do appreciate the insight that you all bring. I does give me some diffrent ways to look at things. So Thanks you.

That's what we're here for. Didn't think you'd hit such a nerve didja? I'd say that a huge number of people in our hobby have your dilema or have it at one time or another. All I can say is, having a woman who loves cars as much as you do kicks ass. Thank GOD for my wife, and her mutual love for the thumbs up we get in the vair. Shared fun and experiances are what the hobby is all about to me, I couldn't imagine having to go it alone, without the support of my wife and family.

[406 Q-ship]

Are you planning on children in this new marriage? Cause hobbies of both parents will be an involvement for that parent and the interested child, what that means in todays parlance is "Quality Time". This woman that you are engaged too will involve you and any future children in what she is passionate about, whether that be shopping, computers, or......whatever, so why should you have to give up part of who you are along with something that you can share with a child with a great passion. It is about balance, of course the house, the bills, and necessities must take a front seat over the car (which they should now in your life, correct?). If you have had this dream for 17 years, then who will you be when you have to throw it to the wind for this woman, will you still be the person she wants to be married too, think about the anamosity you will harbor.

Ask her if she is willing to give up whatever hobby she passion about, site the cost of her hobby as a waste of money (she can't say it doesn't cost something I have yet to see a hobby that doesn't cost something). As to selling the house to move into town, so you have to give up a 3 car garage so the kids can be near school, something tells me even if you were living in town one of you will be driving the kids to school. Beside a house with a special garage costs more and is worth more, there is a good way of saying that this hobby isn't a complete money pit (along with the value of the vehicle). Just some stuff to think about.....

[6'9"Witha69]

Here is a woman's point of view (my wife). It is very blunt, but sometimes that is the way it needs to be put so that the perspective holds true:

I think she is a bitch…but I also think he put his car aside for 2 and a half years to date this person and now he's mad because there is no place for it…

This is COLD and proves she is not really thinking about his feelings at all

she thinks she will be parking beside my newly painted project of 2.5 years ago, not to mention she says be prepared for the kid to be running into it with their bikes. She wants me to just remember that it’s just a piece of metal.

Your car is your dream, while I have given you my opinions on it…I would never take it away…nor would I intentionally cause any harm to your car…I'm not parking in the garage for the reason that I don't want either of the girls to accidentally damage your car, but there will be bikes in the garage…we just have to teach our children to be careful around the car. There was always a nice car in my garage growing up that we had to be careful around, yes we accidentally may have scratched one or two, but my dad showed us how to take of the cars…and most of the time, my mom parked in the driveway…

In the same token his life has been 90% complete for 2 and a half years…in that time he has not worked on his car…I think if it truly was his dream he should have been more enthusiastic about it from the get go…I think that is his fault…it would be like if you had not touched Alice since we started dating and now that we are moving into a house you want her at the house in the garage I was planning to use…then it might be a little more difficult…

Keep in mind though, I am not the same kind of woman she is…I want to help you with the car…I don't mind getting greasy or dirty working on the car…it takes a special type of woman and I think the only reason I am the way I am is because of who my dad is and how much he loves cars and because of who my mom is and how patient she was with my dad and his cars…

And honestly it sounds like their relationship started on the grounds that they both hated their exes…and that is never a good place to start a loving relationship...

[andrewb70]

I haven't read much of the responses, so my apologies if this has been said before. I didn't want my opinion swayed by what was already said. Any person, man or woman, that expects the other to somehow change for her, for the family, for this, that the other, is not the right person. Compromises are expected and given, but when a man has a passion and the woman wants to throw water or dirt on that fire, do as Scott suggested; RUN!

What can happen eventually is that you will grow resentful towards her for making you give up your passions. Then its all downhill from there.

I will also add that the circumstances under which you two got together are not ideal. You two were both going through similar experiences at the time and were each others support. While this is great it does not make for a lasting bond. Once that common "enemy" is gone you will have to face each other and examine who you really are.

Andrew

[CarlC]

How many people on this board have ever leaned against the workbench and stared at their car dreaming up some kind of new gadget or project? I'd bet every single one of us. Be it cars, bikes, boats, etc., most everyone has some type of materialistic passion. For me the car is an expression of a passion that someone else cannot fulfill for me. It would, for me, be a void that a person could not fill.

Someone recently quoted on this board, and it stuck in my head. A man (no sexism meant, it applies both ways) has to have his toys. If those toys are taken away he will find others, usually with breasts.

My wife put it very well one time when talking about my addiction to one of her friends. "I always know where he is (in the garage) and I never have to worry about him drinking the paycheck away." She does not have the passion for cars, but she respects it, and my hands-on need to wrench.

I need to go buy some flowers!