Just a funny:

[JoshStratton]

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.

The man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

The wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

The man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

[TonyL]

:rotfl: :rotfl:

[TonyL]

I'll go next:

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence. We both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"

The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident.

See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, Id like two tickets to Pittsburgh, I accidentally said Id like two pickets to Tittsburgh., so she socked me a good one."

The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.

But I accidentally said, "You've ruined my life, you evil, self-centered, fat-assed biotch."

[Damn True]

A Rabbi, a Priest, a Preacher, a horse, an alligator and a duck all walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this, some kinda freakin joke?"

[vanzuuk1]

So the judge says to mickey mouse " you want a divorce 'cause your wife is silly?"

Mickey: " I didnt say she was silly, I said she f---ing goofy."

[69rs]

:lol: Those are funny, but do y'all realize what's gonna happen when Bob sees this thread?!?

[69rs]

Alright, alright!

A man runs into the house yelling, "Honey , pack your bags, I've just won the lottery!"
She says, "Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?"
He says, "I don't care, just get out!"

[6'9"Witha69]

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on theTexas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at
the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said,
"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head ! and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said,
"What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I ! just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but . . "
He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying,
"All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely!right! His bio says he wears contacts!
How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, duh! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!"

[6'9"Witha69]

A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde gal in a convertible sports car for speeding. She walks up to the car and asks the blonde for her driver's license. The blonde convertible driver searches through her purse in vain. Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"

The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your picture on it." The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it, and sure enough sees herself.

She hands the compact to the blonde cop. After a few seconds looking at the compact, the blonde cop rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver, and says, "If you would have told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over, we could have avoided this whole thing."

[toxicz28]

A Saudi Arabian prince comes to the U.S. to visit Washington D.C. While there, he stops in to meet President Bush. After the introductions, and some small talk, they are sitting in the oval office and the prince turns around and says, " My son really likes American t.v., especially science fiction. He is a very big fan of Star Trek." Bush replys, "I like to watch Star trek too." The prince then says, "Yes, it's a very good show. Men and women, Americans and Russians and Asians, blacks and whites all working together. But what he was wondering, is why aren't there any Arabs?" President Bush looks over at the Saudi prince and says, "Because it's in the future."

[Damn True]

:lol: Oooooooh!


President Bush is at his morning briefing. DHS Sec Chertoff gives him an update on Katrina cleanup. DOJ Sec Gonzales gives him an update on the Abramoff investigation. Rumsfeld gives him a long detailed update on the situation in Iraq.

As Rumsfeld is wrapping up an aide comes to his side and hands him a sheet of paper which Rumsfeld reads. He says, "Mr. President, I've just received some news. Three Brazilian soldiers were killed this morning in Fallujah.

The President is mortified. He wails. He curses. He sobs with his head in his hands as the Cabinet looks on in dismay.

The President pauses, then leans over to Condi Rice and whispers, "How many in a brazillion?"

[Damn True]

A Helium atom and a Hydrogen atom are sitting at a bar getting ripped.
The Hydrogen atom gets up to take a leak and upon his return he is patting his pockets and says, "Dude, I think I lost an electron!"

The Helium atom says, "Oh man, that sucks. Are you sure?"

The Hydrogen atom says, "Yeah, I'm positive."

[Bill Howell]

:lol: Those are funny, but do y'all realize what's gonna happen when Bob sees this thread?!?

My thoughts exactly... :lmao:

[TonyL]

A Helium atom and a Hydrogen atom are sitting at a bar getting ripped.
The Hydrogen atom gets up to take a leak and upon his return he is patting his pockets and says, "Dude, I think I lost an electron!"

The Helium atom says, "Oh man, that sucks. Are you sure?"

The Hydrogen atom says, "Yeah, I'm positive."

HA! science humor!

/recovering nerd.

//A neutron walks into a bar. He asks the bartender for a drink. When
it's served, he asks how much it will be.

"For you," the bartender answers, "no charge."

[ProTouring442]

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walk into a bar....

You would think that at least one of them would have seen it!


Here's one for the kids: Where does the king put his armies?

In his sleevies!



Shiny Side Up!
Bill
'72 442 "Inamorata"

[shmoov69]

Ohhh, soo many jokes.......sooo few clean ones!!
A lady was on the bus with her baby when a drunk staggered in front of the woman, looked down and said,"Lady, that is the ugliest baby I've ever seen." The woman started crying, and everyone on the bus wanted to kick the drunk off. They made such a big fuss that the bus driver pulled over and stopped and the drunk rushed out.
The driver went to the back of the bus and asked, "What seems to be the matter?"
The woman was crying so hard she couldn't speak.
"Look, I don't know what he said to you," said the driver, "but I'm going to get you a cup of tea to calm you down." He got off the bus, went into a cafe, then came back with the tea. "Calm down," said the driver.
"Everything's fine now. See I brought you this cup of tea, and I also brought a banana for your pet monkey."

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load
of seniors down a highway
when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts,
which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder
again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again
he asks the little old lady,
" Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks,
"Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied,
"We just love the chocolate around them."


A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bathing."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."


> >A father put his daughter to bed and listened to her prayers. She
ended
by
> >saying: "God Bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and
good-bye
> >grandpa." The father asked: "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The
little
> >girl said: "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to
do." The
> >next day, grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange
coincidence.
> >
> >A few months later, the father put the girl to bed and listened to
her
> >prayers, which went like this: "God bless mommy, God bless daddy and
> >good-bye grandma." The next day, the grandmother died. Oh my gosh,
thought
> >the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
> >
> >Several weeks later, the father heard his daughter say: "God bless
mommy
> >and
> >good-bye daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep
all
> >night
> >and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous
as a
> >cat
> >all day, had lunch sent in, and watched the clock. He figured if he
could
> >get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office,
so
> >instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there,
drinking
> >coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally,
when
> >midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When
he got
> >home his wife said: "I've never seen you work so late, what's the
matter?"
> >He said: "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst
day of
> >my
> >life." She said: "You think you had a bad day? You'll never believe
what
> >happened to me! This morning, the milkman dropped dead on our
porch!"

[killer69]

An elderly gentleman checks him self into an oldage home and precedes to get aquanted to his new home, after a few days he spots an attractive woman of about the same age.......... after some small talk he asks the woman " How do you like your Sex??
the woman thinks for a second and says " Infrequently"

the man ponders for a second....................
and says " is that one word .................or TWO!!!

[protour_chevelle]

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says "Where the hell
have you been?!?!"

He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?!?!" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates." he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said... shaking her head in
disdain;

"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on
his privates?"

Her husband replies, "Well for one... I like to watch my money grow.

Two...once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three... I like how money feels in my hand.

And lastly... instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here
at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!!"


Theres some good ones posted so far!!!

-Matt

[MoeBawlz]

I just heard this one today...

So a man from the UP walks into a bank and tells the teller that he wants to apply for a job there as an accountant.

The teller kindly says, "well you have to be good with math, can you show me that you can handle yourself?"
The man from the UP nods.
So the teller says ok can you show me how you would add to the number 9?
So the man from the UP takes a sheet of paper and draws three trees on the paper.
The teller looks at him and says "how does that equal 9?"
The man says "Tree + tree + tree = 9"
the teller says ok well how about adding for 99?
The man smudges the three trees.
The teller confused askes "how does that equal 99?"
the man looks at him and says "dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree =99"
the teller says "ok how about 100?"
So the man puts a terd on each of the trees and says, "Dirty tree and a terd + Dirty tree and a terd + Dirty tree and a terd = 100"

[toxicz28]

A store selling new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1: These men Have Jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2: These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. "Wow" she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!," she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!." Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help With Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6: You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at The Husband Store.

!

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives who love sex.

The second floor has wives who love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

[Bill Howell]

A store selling new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1: These men Have Jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2: These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. "Wow" she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!," she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!." Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help With Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6: You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at The Husband Store.

!

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives who love sex.

The second floor has wives who love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.


:lmao: :lmao: We have a winner......Both were great, and sadly, true, especially the "new wives" store...... :lmao:

[Bob Johnson]

guy goes to the doctor to get a check-up since he's just not feeling well..doctor comes back in and tells him he's got some good news and some bad news..which one do you want first? Guy tells him he wants the bad news first where he'll have something to look forward to. Doc tells him he has 2 weeks to live. His liver function is all but gone, his heart, kidneys, etc. are giving up due to diabetes. Guy says damn..What's the good news? Doc says did you see the receptionist when you walked in? The guy says you mean the one with those long legs, that firm round tight as*, big round perky tits, beautiful face and hair? Doc says yes...I'm PHUKIN her.

[Bob Johnson]

Gay guy is walkin home from a bar and walks by a park bench with a drunk laying there passed out. Gay guy pulls down the drunks pants and porks him real good. It was so good, when he was done, he slid a $20 bill in the drunks pocket. When the drunk woke up in the morning he felt in his pocket and found the @20. He went straight to the liquor store and asked the clerk for $20 worth of the cheapest wine he had. Goes back to his bench..drinks it all..passes out..guess what..the same gay guy comes back by and the same thing..leaves him another $20. Drunk goes back to the same liquor store and orders another batch of cheap wine..drinks it all and passes out again..Gay guy leaves the bar with 2 of his buddies..takes them to the park and all three of them have their way with the drunk. All leave him $20 each..Drunk wakes up goes straight to the liquor store and ask the clerk for $60 worth of the finest wine he has..Puzzled the clerk looks at him and says aren't you the same guy that's been ordering $20 worth of our cheapest wine? Drunks says yes, but I'm not drinking that cheap sh*t anymore, it's tearing my as* up...YOWZAA

[Bob Johnson]

guy goes to get a physical..Receptionist tells him to go to room 3..Goes to room 3..in walks nurse.she said we need a semen sample..pulls his PP out and proceeds to give him a BJ..just before he #@&*, she puts it to a cup and puts the proceeds in a cup. she takes him down the hall where there is several guys sitting in chairs with Hustler magazines just whakin off to beat the band..He says what are these guys doing? She says they're giving us a semen sample..He said, well I got a BJ..she said yes but they are on HMO PLAN

[Bob Johnson]

Guy is in the emergency waiting room awaiting word on his wife who has been in a terrible accident..Doc walks out..tells the guy his wife has been severly injured..will be a quadraplegic for the rest of her life..she will have no control over her bowels etc..she won't recognize him or her family..she will have to be hand fed..she will require constant nursing care..The guy starts sobbing uncontrollably..doc says..stop it man..I was just sh*tin you..she's dead..

[Doug Cooper]

Bob tell the brain transplant joke!

[Bob Johnson]

guys not feelin well..goes to doctor and after extensive test doctor tells him he's got good news and bad news. Guy ask for the bad news first..Doc says you've got brain cancer..guys says what's the good news..Doc says no problem we can give you a brain transplant..guy says what does it entail? Doc says just pick a brain out of our extensive inventory and we transplant it..guy says let me see what you have..Doc brings a brain out..this brain was Ben Franklins brain..it's $25K..guys says damn that's not bad what else do you have..Doc brings out another..it's Albert Einstein's brain..it's $35K..guy says wow..what else do you have..he brings another brain out..Doc says this one is $100K..guy says how can that be who's brain is that? Doc says it's Bill Howell's brain..Guy said why is it $100K?? Doc says..it's brand new..never been used.

[Bob Johnson]

It's no joking matter but Bill Howell PMed me earlier this morning thanking me for making his morning more bearable after the news he got yesterday of his father probably having lung cancer. On a more serious note we need to all keep our friend and fellow enthusiast Bill in our thoughts and prayers. After going thru this for 3 years with my youngest daughter and finally losing her to cancer at the ripe young age of 23, I know first hand what he is going thru. It's been 3 years since we lost her. They say time mends a broken heart. It must take a real long time because my wife and other 2 daughters and myself haven't yet begun to heal. Probably why I act so crazy half the time..got to laugh to keep from crying..

[Larry Callahan]

Badda bing!!! Bill? Your up! LOL!

[WS6]

sorry for your lose Bob. I think your 100% correct though, you gotta laugh to make it through some of the tougher times in life. thanks for the laughs.

[Bill Howell]

Dad is much better tonight, not out of the woods yet, but should live to fight another battle, thanks Bob.

OK, to the job at hand. Joke time.

Bob, being a bit older than the rest of us and remembers back before that great male medical break through, viagra.
Back in the early 90s, before viagra, Bob, sadly developed E.D.
Never to be one that let life get him down, he visited a doctor he had heard about that had a temporary fix. As the doctor explained, it was a shot that "fixed" him three times. The secret was to say the word "Beep" for "Attention" and say "Beep Beep" for "at ease". Though doubtful it would work, he agreed to the $500 fee and got the shot. Just to check on things, he went to the men's room to test things. Sure enough, "Beep" got the desired results, and "Beep Beep" settled things back down. Happy for the success, but wasting one of the three "opportunitys" he decided to rush home to the Mrs. As luck would have it, as soon as he gets on I-85 heading home a VW pulls up behind him. Beep goes the horn on the bug as it starts to pass ole cooter. Sure enough, Attention!. Once the bug passes, the driver toots the horn again,beep beep. E.D. sets back in. Worried now that he is about to waste the entire price of the shot, he races home. He has everything planned in his head, as soon as he gets in his driveway, he rips off his shirt, hollars at the Mrs. that he is the man and is ready for loving. Shocked at his prowless, she runs to see what the problem is. Well, bless his heart, by the time he hits the front door, he is in the buff. "Beep!", he exclaims as he "helps" her remove her clothes. Suddenly the Mrs. screams, "What is all this beep beep crap about?"

To say the least, Bob was so happy when the little blue pill was introduced.

[WS6]

UCLA Medical Research

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.

Further studies are expected.

[Bob Johnson]

Glad your dads better wild Bill. Two Tennesse hillbillies are in a tree stand hunting deer when the stand breaks dropping the two HB's 25 feet to the ground. 5 minutes later the game warden walks by and one of them is giving the other one a BJ. he says what the hell is going on here. One looks up and said we were in the deer stand, it broke, and we fell to the ground and knocked the breath out of my buddy here. The game warden said..well you're supposed to be giving him mouth to mouth resuscitation. The guys blurts back..what the phuk you think led up to this..

[mpozzi]

Okay, here goes nuthin' . . .

The Lone Ranger is taking a short trail ride on ol' Silver when he's ambushed by Indians who have just about had it with all that "Law and Order" crap. They haul the Ranger's butt back to their tribe and tie him to a large stake. The Chief of the tribe comes out and is prepared to give the order for the braves to fire their arrows when the Lone Ranger calls for a time-out. He motions to the Chief and says that in the white man's culture, the condemned is usually given one last request.

Well, the Chief agrees and the Lone Ranger whistles Silver over, whispers in Silver's ear, and watches the horse take off at a dead run out of camp. Silver returns a few minutes later with a gorgeous blonde in the saddle. She's naked, long blonde hair, perky ones, and has all that youthful s**t going for her, the bitch. Silver slides to a stop, the blonde gets down out of the saddle, goes to the Lone Ranger and unties him. They head over to the Chief's teepee and make mad, passionate love for an hour. When done, the Lone Ranger comes out and resumes his position at the stake. Silver takes the blonde away and comes back.

Well, the braves pick up their bows and arrows, assume the position and await the Chief's orders to finish the job when the Chief stops them. He says to the Lone Ranger . . . "What was all that about?? What a magnificent horse. Can he do that again??" Well, the Lone Ranger says that Silver can and proceeds to whistle him over again. The braves again put down the bows and wait while the Lone Ranger whispers in Silver's ear and watches while the horse again takes off for parts unknown. A few minutes later he returns with a brunette. She's naked, gorgeous, with the aforementioned perky ones, and a real looker as well. The brunette gets off Silver, goes over to the Lone Ranger, unties him . . . and since he's of legendary proportions (some women call him the Long Ranger . . . ) and accomplishments, both he and brunette go back inside the Chief's tee-pee and don't come out for another hour. When satisfied smiles, the Lone Ranger again takes up position at the stake and Silver takes the girl away. Silver again returns . . .

Well, by now the Chief AND braves are in awe!!! They are amazed at this horse, the relationship between the Lone Ranger and Silver, and really can't believe what they've seen. The Chief again asks the Lone Ranger if Silver can do this one more time (personally, I think the old dude's horny . . . ) and the Lone Ranger takes a huge sigh and says "Okay, ONE MORE TIME . . . "

He whistles Silver over and whispers in his ear . . . "Okay A-hole, . . . POSSE, POSSE . . . "

[ProTouring442]

Bill & Bob, My wife and I will keep both of your families in our prayers. This sort of stuff always reminds me of a line from the movie "Tombstone." It's not funny, but I think it's very true. Doc Holiday is dying, and when Wyatt Earp comes to visit Doc asks him what he wanted out of life. Wyatt replies "oh just a normal life I guess." To this Doc says "there is no such thing as a normal life Wyatt, there's just life and you get on with it."

Shiny Side Up!
Bill

[Bob Johnson]

guys in the waiting room in the maternity ward of the hospital while his wife is delivering a baby..it's been 10 hrs. and he's tired and worried. The doc walks out with a long sad look on his face. man asks is everything OK. doc says no there's been some complications. Man asks if my wife OK..Doc says yes your wife is fine but the baby is not. Man asks what's wrong. Doc says well the baby is deformed. Man asks well what's wrong with it. Doc says well it is nothing but a big eye ball..no arms/legs/torso..just a big eye ball..man starts to sob and says oh my gosh, what could be worse than that. Doc says..IT'S BLIND...

[Bob Johnson]

couple of Tennesse Hill Billys walking down the street in Pigeon Forge when they come up on a dog sitting there licking his privates..one looks at the other and said don't you wish you could do that..Other said yes but I'm afraid he'd bite me...

[shmoov69]

What is the difference between a homo and a fridge?











The fridge doesn't fart when the meat is pulled out!
:barf:
Thankfully!

[Bob Johnson]

Girl goes into Tatoo parlor and tells the artist to put a tatoo of Elvis on her inner leg near her crotch..tatoo artist works real hard and is proud of his work..when he's done he ask her what she thinks..She doesn't think it looks anything like Elvis..so he goes to the other side to do it over..really works hard on it and he's really proud of his work..tells her to look..she does and said it looks nothing like Elvis..Artist is pis*ed..he accuses her of trying to not pay him by acting dissatisfied. He says look, the first person that comes by we will get to look at the tatoos and if he says it doesn't look like Elvis..you don't pay..but if he says it does..you owe me for the tatoo..They agree..go to the sidewalk out front and up walks a drunk..he asks him to come in and settle an argument..Drunk walks in..girl pulls up her dress, takes off her panties..artist said look in there and tell me who that looks like..drunk looks at one side..then the other..then stares in the middle..same again..finally he says..I don't know who those 2 dudes are on each side are but that guy in the middle with the scraggley beard and the bad breath is definately Willie Nelson..

[shmoov69]

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and soon the building was engulfed in flames.

The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the firefighters appeared on the scene, the president of the chemical company rushed to the fire chief and explained that all of the company's secret formulas were in a safe in the center of the plant.

He said he would pay a bonus of $50,000 if they could recover the safe.

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off, and soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became increasingly desperate.

As additional firefighters arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department that could recover the company's safe.

Then, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural Volunteer Fire Company comprised mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down firetruck, operated by these old Norwegians, passed all the newer and sleek firetrucks parked outside the burning plant - - - and to everyone's shock it drove straight into the middle of the inferno!

All the other firefighters watched in awe as the Norwegian old-timers jumped off their truck and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norwegian old-timers had exited the fire and the company's safe was found intact.

The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly Norwegian fire fighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on camera and asked the Norwegian fire chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "da furst thing ve do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"


Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job four years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is buy cigars and cruise around and bull**** with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter went away to college, he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed, Clueless

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore.

You're a United States senator from New York. Act like it!


A couple, both rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the
doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor asked them why, after 9 children, would they choose to do this. The husband replied that they had read a recent article that 1 out of every 10 children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn't want a Mexican baby
because neither of them could speak Spanish.


Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)

Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.


Then there's the Law of Politics: The more ignorant the candidate, the more intelligent he will appear to the voters!

[Bob Johnson]

indian brave goes up to mama and ask her how young braves get their names..she says go ask the Chief..he names them..He goes up to chief and asks.. and Chief says..Chief look around the landscape and into the sky and whatever catches his eye the most, he names the little brave..say if he sees a bear running in the forest, he names the brave running bear, or say he hears a wolf howling he names him howling wolf..why do you ask two dogs *******?

[6'9"Witha69]

The following 15 Police Comments were taken off of actual
police car videos around the country.

#15. "Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

#14. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."

#11. "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

#10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

#9. "Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey DOO."

#6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5. "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

#4. "Just how big were those two beers?"

#3. "In God we trust, all others we run through CPIC/NCIC."

#2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're
right, we don't. Sign here."

[Bob Johnson]

Kid has a date with a sure thing and needs rubbers. he goes in the drug store and gets cold feet. He hasn't got the guts to go up to the counter and ask the clerk so he just stands around..the female clerk goes up and asks him what he needs. He tells her I want, er do you have, er can I get..She asks do you want some prophylactics? Relieved he says yes..She asks What size do you need? He said I didn't know they came in sizes..She said yes..there's small/medium/and large..He said I don't know..She said well we'll have to go to the fitting room and see. They go in the back room and there's a big plywood wall with a hole in it. She told him to go behind the wall and poke his penis thru the hole. He goes back and puts his penis thru the hole. She plays with it, gets it hard, drops her panties, backs up on it and does the dirty deed. After the happy ending she has him come around front where she asks him now how many prophylactics do you want? He said I've changed my mind..I want two sheets of that plywood.. I'm not sure but I think this is how Howell got into the building business..

[Bob Johnson]

Rabbi and Priest watching the grammar school kids playing during recess..Priest says lets screw one of those little boys..Rabbi says..Outta What???

[JoshStratton]

OMG. You are so so wrong. Got anymore?

[69rs]

:lol: Those are funny, but do y'all realize what's gonna happen when Bob sees this thread?!?
Don't say I didn't warn you people! :hand:

[Bob Johnson]

got more? are you kiddin? Guys walkin on the beach and steps on something..picks it up..it's a old lantern..he pulls off the top and out pops a Genie..Genie has been in that lantern for centuries..thanks him for releasing him and gives him 3 wishes..1st wish? Guy asks for 7 new Cadillacs..different color for every day of the week..Genie says you got it..and as a bonus, your wife gets double everything you get..so she gets 14 new Caddies..2 different colors for every day..2nd wish? I want $100,000,000 in cash..Ok you get 100 mil. and your wife gets double what you got..200 mil. 3rd and final wish?..Guy scratches his head and thinks a minute..looks at Genie..says do you see that big piece of driftwood over there?..Genie says Yes..Guy said..beat me half to death with it...YOWZAA

[Bob Johnson]

guys cleaning out his attic and comes up on an old bottle..uncorks it and Genie pops out..gives him one wish for releasing him. Guy makes his wish..later that evening he's having sex with his wife..asks he if she feels anything different..she says no..he gets all bowed up, digs his toes in and really starts working it when the door bell rings..He said what the heck..who could that be..he goes to the front door, opens it and there stands a KKK Klansman all dressed in a white robe and a big rope in his hand with a noose on the end..Klansman looks him in the eye and said Where's that MFer that wants to be hung like a NNNNN.....UH HUH

[shmoov69]

It might be a good idea to have a Jokes section, for nothing but jokes, in the forum just to keep us occupied while we are not doing anything productive!
Maybe right under the Outhouse.
Just an idea!

[69rs]

It might be a good idea to have a Jokes section, for nothing but jokes, in the forum just to keep us occupied while we are not doing anything productive!
Maybe right under the Outhouse.
Just an idea!
Call it Bob's house! Or Cooter's Corner!

[Bob Johnson]

Man is in the waiting room at the hospital waiting for word on his wife and his child that's being delivered. Doc walks out and has a concerned look on his face. Man eagerly ask..Is my wife OK?..Doc says yes your wife is fine..He said how is the baby. Doc said the baby is fine but he had a small deformity..but we've fixed him right up. Man asks doc..What was the deformity? Doc says..he was born without an eye lid..man says well what did you do..Doc says well when we circumsized him, we used part of the foreskin and made him an eyelid. Man sighs and asks..Well is he going to be OK? Doc says well he'll be a little kock eyed but otherwise he'll be OK..
boulyaaah...

[Bob Johnson]

Call it Bob's house! Or Cooter's Corner!
looks like it's gonna be..none of these guys know more than 1 joke..and I've already heard it.

[TonyL]

Ralph arrived at his Internal Revenue Service audit accompanied by another man. The IRS guy assumed the other man was Ralph's attorney.

Going over his records, the IRS official said, "Well, sir, it appears that you live at a much higher level than your reported employment income. How do you explain that?"

Ralph replied, "I love to gamble and I usually win."

The skeptical official gave him a disbelieving look.

"I can prove it," said Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

The official thought a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph said, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thought a moment and said, "No way! It's a bet!"

Ralph removed his glass eye and bit it.

The official's jaw dropped. Ralph said, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The official could tell Ralph wasn't blind, so he took the bet.

Ralph then removed his dentures and bit his good eye.

The stunned official was now three grand in the hole

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asked. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on your desk and piss into that wastebasket by the door over there and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, was cautious now, but there's no way this guy could manage that stunt, so he agreed again!

Ralph climbed up on the auditor's desk, missed the wastebasket completely, and pretty much peed all over the desk.

The official grinned. He had just turned a huge loss into a huge win! But then he noticed that Ralph's friend looked ashen and was visibly shaking.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

The man replied, "Not really. Before we arrived, Ralph bet me twenty thousand dollars he'd piss on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"


/knows lots more than 1 joke.

[Bob Johnson]

Ralph arrived at his Internal Revenue Service audit accompanied by another man. The IRS guy assumed the other man was Ralph's attorney.

Going over his records, the IRS official said, "Well, sir, it appears that you live at a much higher level than your reported employment income. How do you explain that?"

Ralph replied, "I love to gamble and I usually win."

The skeptical official gave him a disbelieving look.

"I can prove it," said Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

The official thought a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph said, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thought a moment and said, "No way! It's a bet!"

Ralph removed his glass eye and bit it.

The official's jaw dropped. Ralph said, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The official could tell Ralph wasn't blind, so he took the bet.

Ralph then removed his dentures and bit his good eye.

The stunned official was now three grand in the hole

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asked. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on your desk and piss into that wastebasket by the door over there and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, was cautious now, but there's no way this guy could manage that stunt, so he agreed again!

Ralph climbed up on the auditor's desk, missed the wastebasket completely, and pretty much peed all over the desk.

The official grinned. He had just turned a huge loss into a huge win! But then he noticed that Ralph's friend looked ashen and was visibly shaking.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

The man replied, "Not really. Before we arrived, Ralph bet me twenty thousand dollars he'd piss on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"


/knows lots more than 1 joke.
then keep um coming

[Bob Johnson]

You know why god made semen white and pee yellow...that's so Tennessee Hill Billys will know whether they're coming or going..

You know why he made #1 yellow and #2 brown..that's so The Tennessee HB's will know which way to put on their underwear..yellow in front/brown in rear..if there is even a rear in them..then blown out hole in rear..

Howell's doctor told him he wanted a semen/urine/stool sample for his physical..Howell's wife said no problem..just sent in his underwear

now don't write back and say you don't wear underwear like the Imperial guy that cops stole his car..

[shmoov69]

> Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30
> years,reunited at a party. After several drinks, one
> of themen had to use the rest room. Those who
> remainedtalked about their kids. The first guy said,
> "My son is my pride and joy. Hestarted working at a
> successful company at thebottom of the barrel. He
> studied Economics andBusiness Administration and
> soon
> began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the
> president of the company. He became so rich that
> he
> gave his bestfriend a top of the line Mercedes
> for his birthday."The second guy said, "Darn, that's
> terrific! My son isalso my pride and joy. He started
> working for a bigairline, then went to flight
> school
> to become apilot. Eventually he became a partner in
> the company,where he owns the majority of its
> assets.
> He's sorich that he gave his best friend a brand new
> jet forhis birthday. The third man said: "Well,
> that's
> terrific! My son studied in the best universities
> and
> became anengineer. Then he started his own
> construction companyand is now a multimillionaire.
> He
> also gave awaysomething very nice and expensive to
> his best friendfor his birthday: A 30,000 square
> foot mansion." The three friends congratulated each
> other just as the fourth friend returned from the
> restroom andasked: "What are all the congratulations
> for?" One of the three said: "We were talking about
> the pride we feel for the successes of our sons.
> ...Whatabout your son?" The fourth man replied:
> "My
> son is gay and makes aliving dancing as a stripper
> at a nightclub." The three friends said: "What a
> shame...what a disappointment." The fourth man
> replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's myson and I
> love
> him. And he hasn't done too badeither. His birthday
> was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful
> 30,000
> square foot mansion,
> abrand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from
> histhree boyfriends."

[shmoov69]

A guy was in the line at the supermarket, when he noticed a Beautiful blond woman smiling and waving at him. So he says, "Do I know you?"

She replies. "I may be mistaken, but I think you may be the
Father of one of my children."

Instantly his mind shoots back to the one and only time he had
Been unfaithful.

"Dooh!" he says. "Are you the stripper from my bachelor
Party that I had sex with on Joe's pool table in front of all my
Buddies while your girlfriend spanked me with wet celery and
Stuck a cucumber in my butt?"

"No" she replies. "I'm your daughter's second grade teacher."

[Bob Johnson]

A guy was in the line at the supermarket, when he noticed a Beautiful blond woman smiling and waving at him. So he says, "Do I know you?"

She replies. "I may be mistaken, but I think you may be the
Father of one of my children."

Instantly his mind shoots back to the one and only time he had
Been unfaithful.

"Dooh!" he says. "Are you the stripper from my bachelor
Party that I had sex with on Joe's pool table in front of all my
Buddies while your girlfriend spanked me with wet celery and
Stuck a cucumber in my butt?"

"No" she replies. "I'm your daughter's second grade teacher."
you've been readin Playboy

[Bob Johnson]

Guy is sitting in a bar and looks to the other end and sees this knock out blond sitting there looking at him..He tells the bartender to go over and tell her I would like to buy her a drink. She refuses,gets up and as she walks by him their eyes meet..she stops and looks at him and says Pete is that you? Puzzled he says yes..do I know you? She sits down and says yes and no..He said what do you mean? She said remember your good friend Joe from high school? I'm Joe..I've had a sex change operation..He was flabergasted..they talked over old times and the conversation finally got around to the sex change. He said what did they do. She said well first they cut off my penis..He said OOH..that must have painful..She said no that wasn't the painful part..He said what else? She said then they cut off my testicles..he said that must have been painful. She said that wasn't the painful part. He said what else..She said they gave me numerous hormone shots, & cut open my chest and put implants in..He said that must have been the painful part..She said no..He said then what was the painful part? She said when they drilled a hole in my head and sucked half my phuken brains out... this joke works great when you're telling jokes in mixed company at a big party..you're guaranteed to be a big hit..The woman version punchline is.. When they cut my paycheck in half....

[shmoov69]

you've been readin Playboy
No, actually someone emailed it to me! :angel:

[camaro608]

try this...
the next time you go to the airport walk up to someone reading the paper or a mag.
and just look at them until they look up at you then say DONT GET ON THE PLANE

[WS6]

thats a good way to get arrested and to miss your flight

[69rs]

try this...
the next time you go to the airport walk up to someone reading the paper or a mag.
and just look at them until they look up at you then say DONT GET ON THE PLANE
That's funny right up yo the point where the Federal Agent says, "Don't bump your head sir."

[Bob Johnson]

No, actually someone emailed it to me! :angel:
you're probably a Hustler kind of guy

[Bob Johnson]

try this...
the next time you go to the airport walk up to someone reading the paper or a mag.
and just look at them until they look up at you then say DONT GET ON THE PLANE
I'll let you pull that one..I'll bet that will wind up not being too funny..after 911, that kind of crap is no joking matter..

[1sick65]

Little Johnny is in the living room, playing with his new train set he got for Christmas. He puts on his conductor hat and yells ALL ABOARD!!!! Then takes train around the track a couple of times before stopping at the depot. He then yells....All you sum bitches that want on, get on; All you sum bitches that want off, get off. His mother yells...Johnny, if you can't talk nicely, you will have to stop playing with the train.

Johnny again yells ALL ABOARD!!!! Takes the train around the track a couple more times before stopping at the depot. He then yells....All you sum bitches that want on, get on; All you sum bitches that want off, get off. His mother grabs him and starts to bust his butt.



Johnny I can't believe you talk like that, she says. You need to stand in the corner until I tell you that you can play again. After about thirty minutes, she starts to feel sorry for him. Johnny you can play with your train if you can be nice.



Johnny runs from the corner and grabs his hat. ALL ABOARD!!!! Takes the train around the track a couple times and stops at the depot. He then stands up and says....All you sum bitches that want on, get on; All you sum bitches that want off, get off. If you want to complain about the thirty minutes delay, talk to the pain the in ass doing to dishes in the kitchen.

[harshman]

try this...
the next time you go to the airport walk up to someone reading the paper or a mag.
and just look at them until they look up at you then say DONT GET ON THE PLANE
Dane Cook makes my sides hurt.


....where's the handle?

[JoshStratton]

I'll let you pull that one..I'll bet that will wind up not being too funny..after 911, that kind of crap is no joking matter..

Then I take it putting dog biscuits in your friend's carry-on bag would be a bad idea as well?

[shmoov69]

Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a blonde lady who is sitting by herself.

Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Lady: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Lady: "No, they spread."

[shmoov69]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto awakens the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look toward sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What's it tell you Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo dung. Somebody steal tent!"

[shmoov69]

A guy is standing in line at the welfare office, when it is his turn he tells the lady behind the desk "I really hate drawing this check every month, I would rather work."

The lady tells him" You are in luck then,a local billionare is looking for bodyguard for his 22 year old nymphomaniac daughter. The pay is $200,000 a year, use of the Hummer, and you can live in the pool house. But the girl is such a slut I'm sure you will be sleeping in her bed most nights."

The guy is taken aback, "Lady you must be making that up?"

"Yeah well" she says, "You started it."

[shmoov69]

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men,

until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

:rotfl:

[camaro608]

Dane Cook is the best

[69Nova]

Dane Cook is the best

Yes he is.

[camaro608]

go buy dane cooks new cd HARMFUL IF SWALLOWED then you will understand

[Bill Howell]

http://www.highperformancetoys.com/forums/showthread.php?t=6325

Not really a joke, but a cool story I read on my local forum tonight.

[1970cuda]

that's classic

[Modo Innovations]

A blonde and a brunette are driving down a country road when all of a sudden the blonde stops the car. The brunette asked her why? The blonde says look. Out in the middle of a large field was another blonde in a row boat just rowing away. The blonde in the car says" you know, its blondes like her that give us a bad rap, if I could swim I'd swim out there and kick her a$$.

[TonyL]

Sensitive men do exist

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar.

They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.

Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and she asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

[TonyL]

and now a crude one, for bob.

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."

[Bill Howell]

Tony must have known Bob when Bob was a young man? :lmao:

[Bob Johnson]

Bill Howell and a couple of Tennessee Hill Billys went Ice fishing in Alaska..They found a good spot, got some supplies and started cutting a hole in the ice..They made several trips to the bait/general store nearby getting blades to cut the ice..after about 6 trips, the eskimo that ran the store said you good ol boys must be catching some kind of fish to be buying all the blades..Ol Bill replied, sh*t man we ain't got the boat in yet.

[Bill Howell]

:lol: :lol:

We never did understand how they fly fished up there either.

[Bill Howell]

I think this was Bob and his bride, many years ago.

A couple had only been married for two weeks
the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on
the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the Refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 Different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of Saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar...You know... they have frozen Glasses... "
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN *****! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS AIN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR!
THAT ***** IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"

and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story

[Bill Howell]

An old man, Mr Lillard, was living the last
of his life in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and
depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if
there was anything wrong.

Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Lillard, "My
private part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and
sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Lillard,
please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Lillard was walking
down the hall with his private part hanging out of his pajamas,
when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Lillard," she said, "You shouldn't be
walking down the hall like that.
Please put your private part back inside
your pajamas."

But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Lillard, "I
told you yesterday that my private part died."
Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it
hanging out of your pajamas?" asked Nurse Tracy.
"Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing."

[Bob Johnson]

I think this was Bob and his bride, many years ago.

A couple had only been married for two weeks
the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on
the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the Refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 Different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of Saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar...You know... they have frozen Glasses... "
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN *****! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS AIN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR!
THAT ***** IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"

and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story
speaking of pigs in a blanket..Ol Bill Howell and I went to one of those Pancake Houses in Pigeon Forge for breakfast..I ordered pigs in a blanket..they brought me a pix of Bill and his sweetie in bed...sorry Mrs. Howell..I couldn't resist..the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

[Bob Johnson]

:lol: :lol:

We never did understand how they fly fished up there either.
I know how you hilly billys fly fish..Ive seen those guys fishing for those big ol catfish by sticking their arms down in the water and pulling up a big ol catfish that has swallowed his arm. Fly fishing Tennessee style is where you unzip and drop the ol pud in the water..in your case that'd be guppie or minnow fishing..they use Howell to catch the bait..

[Bill Howell]

speaking of pigs in a blanket..Ol Bill Howell and I went to one of those Pancake Houses in Pigeon Forge for breakfast..I ordered pigs in a blanket..they brought me a pix of Bill and his sweetie in bed...sorry Mrs. Howell..I couldn't resist..the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Ain't he going to be suprised when he meets Melinda......lol

[Bob Johnson]

Ain't he going to be suprised when he meets Melinda......lol
like I said..the names have been changed to protect the innocent..I know a debonare/suave/classy dude like you would have a sweet honey..my wifey poo looks like one of my daughters..nearly 40 years with the ol gal..she just turned 58..doesn't look the 40..must be the easy life living with me.. :yeah:

[Bob Johnson]

The Real and Howell finally both went completely crazy..they had them in the same insane asylum..next door to each other. The nurse was checking on her patients..she walked in ol Howells room. He was sitting up in his bed..had an imaginary steering wheel in his hand...he was steering away and making motor noises..The nurse asked him what he was doing. He said he was driving to a car show over here in Georgia. She asked him how it was going..he said his car was running great..the weather was perfect..He planned on spending the whole week-end over here. She said told him to enjoy the car show and left to go check up on The Real..She walked in on The Real..He was in the bed just spankin his monkey. She Said..REAL..You should be ashamed..what are you doin? Real said..Phukin Howells wife while he's out of town..

[formula]

Alright, I want in on this...

So Bill Howell and Bob Johnson are out to breakfast together one day at the local diner. The waitress walks up, and man she is a knockout. I mean gorgeous, long, pert, curved where it counts...and she is just all over poor Bob. Well She takes Bill's order first; Two eggs over easy, pancakes, hashbrowns, and toast, of course. Then she turns turns to Bob and purrs "and what can I get for you, honey?"

Without missing a beat, Bob responds, "Well to tell you the truth, all I really want is a quickie."

The girl slaps Bob across the face so hard he sees double, and storms off in a huff.

Bill, after picking himself up from the floor from laughing so hard, turns to Bob and says "I believe it's pronounced quiche!"

[Bob Johnson]

Alright, I want in on this...

So Bill Howell and Bob Johnson are out to breakfast together one day at the local diner. The waitress walks up, and man she is a knockout. I mean gorgeous, long, pert, curved where it counts...and she is just all over poor Bob. Well She takes Bill's order first; Two eggs over easy, pancakes, hashbrowns, and toast, of course. Then she turns turns to Bob and purrs "and what can I get for you, honey?"

Without missing a beat, Bob responds, "Well to tell you the truth, all I really want is a quickie."

The girl slaps Bob across the face so hard he sees double, and storms off in a huff.

Bill, after picking himself up from the floor from laughing so hard, turns to Bob and says "I believe it's pronounced quiche!"
damn dude..you do have a sense of humor..that was good. glad to see you lighten up..funny to see how you stock guys get in a good mood when the market has been good...

[formula]

damn dude..you do have a sense of humor..that was good. glad to see you lighten up..funny to see how you stock guys get in a good mood when the market has been good...

Haha, you're never gonna let that go are ya?

On topic: I'm feeling lazy, so here's my joke for the post. http://www.whoomp.com/articles/163/1/He-Man-does-4-non-blondes

[MoeBawlz]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ
so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I
have never figured out why men think with their head and women with
their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting
into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says,
"I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough
for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who
I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time
with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one
to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.
We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have
thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was
testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even
know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said,
"That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear,
let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't
feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?"

I then said "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just
not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your
shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,
"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

[toxicz28]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall
chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[Bill Howell]

A fellow member found this on another website. I am sure some have already seen it, but it is so funny, I had to copy and repost it here. Enjoy!

This was submitted by a guy who purchased his
lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol &
Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion
was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across
was a 100000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.
The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived,
with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....
WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device & brought it home.
I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and
pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.
I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time;
I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and
forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that
burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad
with only two triple-a batteries,... right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking
on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading
the directions and thinking that I really needed to try
this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for
a fraction of a second) and thought better of it.
She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give
this thing to my wife to protect herself against
a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
with my reading glasses perched delicately on
the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
taser in another. The directions said that a
one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed
to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily
control; a three-second burst would purportedly
make your assailant flop on the ground like a
fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be
wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at
this little device measuring about 5" long, less than
3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries)
thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description,
but I'll do my best..... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie
looking on with her head cocked to one side as to
say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all
that bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second
burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs
to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side
door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed
us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked
under my body in the oddest position, & tingling in my legs.
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds
I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly
thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

NOTE: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with
a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a
one-second burst when you zap yourself.
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-GUN.... that hurt like heck!!! A minute or so
later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up &
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were
on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there???
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, & my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles.
I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

I'm still in shock

[shmoov69]

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke,
when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts
off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day! , Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she
is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand
of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

[shmoov69]

A fellow member found this on another website. I am sure some have already seen it, but it is so funny, I had to copy and repost it here. Enjoy!

This was submitted by a guy who purchased his
lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
........................................
......................................
I'm still in shock

I was just thinking that I need to find that again on the search here because I posted that about 2 years ago or so! Without a doubt, the funniest thing I have ever read! :1st:

[shmoov69]

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She put on her robe and went downstairs.

He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of
him.

He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

" What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of
night?"
she asked.
"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were
only
16?" he asked.

"Yes, I do," she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car
making love?"
"Yes, I remember."

"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said,
'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?' "

"Yes, I do," she said.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said,
"You know...I would have gotten out today."

[shmoov69]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up." "Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hitman"

"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

Do you mind if I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic.

I can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom.

Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her...... He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"

He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."

"Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his **** off to teach him a lesson."

The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."

[shmoov69]

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a restaurant, and the wife keeps staring at a disheveled drunken man swigging his gin as he sits alone at a distant table, until the husband asks, "Do you know him?"

"Yes," sighs the wife. "He's my ex-husband. He took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My Goodness", says the husband, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

[REAL Bob Johnson]

Cop pulls over 2 guys in a car walks up to the door taps on the glass and he rolls it down and the officer reach's in the car and slaps him and the driver say's Man why did you do that He said you should have had your'e licence all ready out. He walks to the other door and taps on the glass and reaches in and slaps him too. He hollers man why did you do that. The officer says I did'nt want you to get down the road and say IT A GOOD THING HE DID'NT SLAP ME LIKE THAT!!!!!!!! {clean version}

[formula]

Cop pulls over 2 guys in a car walks up to the door taps on the glass and he rolls it down and the officer reach's in the car and slaps him and the driver say's Man why did you do that He said you should have had your'e licence all ready out. He walks to the other door and taps on the glass and reaches in and slaps him too. He hollers man why did you do that. The officer says I did'nt want you to get down the road and say IT A GOOD THING HE DID'NT SLAP ME LIKE THAT!!!!!!!! {clean version}

hahaha, one of my favorites...but the version i heard, the end goes like this:

The second guy says to the cop, "why the heck did you hit me?"
cop says "im just makin your wish come true, boy"
guy says "what are you talkin about?"
cop says "you know as well as i do that as soon as you pull outta here you were gonna turn to old dumb butt there 'n say 'i wish he woulda tried that slappin sh*t with me!'"

[Bob Johnson]

I wish they hadn't banned ol Vito just yet..I wanted to give him some more material for his book..anyway ol Vito's girlfriend was from Texas..all she could talk about was how big, strong, tough, virile, etc Texans were..Vito had heard enough..told her they were going to Texas on Vacation and the first Texan he saw he was going to beat his ass to show her they weren't so tough...They crossed the Texas line and lo and behold sitting on a split rail fence sat a huge Texan..Vito pulls over and goes up to the Texan..taps him on the knee..tells him to get down off that fence..he's going to kick his ass..The Texan asks why..Vito explains how his girlfriend talks continuously about Texans and how tough they are and how they are so good in bed..The Texan said OK I'll get down and fight you..but if I win, you're going to have to hold my balls up out of this hot sand while I screw your girlfriend to prove to you how good of a lover us Texans are..Vito agrees...aboout 20 minutes later, Vito and his girlfriend are riding down the road..,Vito looks over at her..said..You know those Texans aren't so tough..Did you feel him flinch when I dropped his nuts in that hot sand????

[Bob Johnson]

You want a real joke..Academy awards best sound track to "It's hard being a pimp"..or whatever it was..now that's a real joke..almost as funny as the best film being between a film about racism, or a couple of gay cowboys..a few years ago an executive from Oldsmobile was retiring after a long career with the Olds division of GM..As you might know, Olds was the oldest domestic manufacturer of cars..or very close to it..he said he thought he'd never see the day that the best golfer would be black..the best rapper would be white..and they would never make another Oldsmobile..

[Bill Howell]

You want a real joke..Academy awards best sound track to "It's hard being a pimp"..or whatever it was..now that's a real joke..almost as funny as the best film being between a film about racism, or a couple of gay cowboys..a few years ago an executive from Oldsmobile was retiring after a long career with the Olds division of GM..As you might know, Olds was the oldest domestic manufacturer of cars..or very close to it..he said he thought he'd never see the day that the best golfer would be black..the best rapper would be white..and they would never make another Oldsmobile..

It would be funny if it was not the truth. I watched with disbelief as they annonounced the winner. Sad state of affairs when homosexuality is our best venue for a movie and rap is our theme song. :barf:
Sorry, that is not a political statement, just me thinking out loud.

[Ralph LoGrasso]

he said he thought he'd never see the day that the best golfer would be black..the best rapper would be white..


That is part of a MUCH longer quote by Chris Rock (I think) a few years ago. One of the funniest quotes as of late, IMO. Some of the other parts I can remember were "Germany doesn't want to go to war, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese." Definitely one of the funniest quotes, and about as far from PC as you can get; a lot of people were probably upset at that one, oh well.

[6'9"Witha69]

Brokeback mountain reminds me of the South Park episode when the Film Festival came to town and all the movies were about "Gay cowboys eatin' pudding"! First aired a few years ago. Too funny in my book. Was there ever mention of pudding in the movie? Now fellas go ask your wives cause I know none of you saw it. Right?:poke:

[BMullin]

If a white stork delivers white babies............and a black crow delivers black babies................which bird delivers no babies.................







A swallow

[JoshStratton]

..the best rapper would be white

Ya gotta love that Vanilla Ice.

[WS6]

yeah but Bill its not your theme song thats a crappy urban song with as Mr Boortz likes to call urban yodling.

Crash was about bigotry and was a great movie. i was happy it won the oscar and not some trumped up homosexual or transgender movie.

sometimes the funniest things in life are the truth

[JoshStratton]

I would be careful with your wording guys. They are just movies and you may run the risk of greatly offending someone on this site.

[69rs]

Ya gotta love that Vanilla Ice.
Best selling rap album of all time (I think still is) Vanilla Ice-To the Extreme. I shouldn't know that. :banghead:

[Bob Johnson]

If a white stork delivers white babies............and a black crow delivers black babies................which bird delivers no babies.................







A swallow
damn I thought it was a jail bird

[Bob Johnson]

That is part of a MUCH longer quote by Chris Rock (I think) a few years ago. One of the funniest quotes as of late, IMO. Some of the other parts I can remember were "Germany doesn't want to go to war, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese." Definitely one of the funniest quotes, and about as far from PC as you can get; a lot of people were probably upset at that one, oh well.


Chris Rock can say anything he wants to..as can the Waylon Bros in Living Color, Ali G or Rappers, etc.....it must be great to be black and not worry what is politically correct..they can say anything about each other..use the N word all they want and it is cool..call us..or the president, etc. anything they want..degrade women or anything else.. no one gets offended or makes a fuss about it....I still don't understand how the women accept the degradation that the rappers dish out..

[Bob Johnson]

I would be careful with your wording guys. They are just movies and you may run the risk of greatly offending someone on this site.
Well excuuuuuuse meeeee..

[Bob Johnson]

Ya gotta love that Vanilla Ice.
Damn I thought it was Emenem..I thought Vanilla Ice was a has been..shows you what I know about white rappers..I should be ashamed..but I'm not..

[Bill Howell]

I wish they hadn't banned ol Vito just yet..I wanted to give him some more material for his book..


No worries Bob, he will still be reading..... banning does not stop him from reading, just posting.

[Damn True]

The following has no political or sociosexual slant to it whatsoever:

Frankly I don't understand what the big hoo-ha is over Brokeback Mountain.
Let's take a look at the premise. Two people are in love. They cannot be together because of the social stigma associated with their relationship and the dissaproval of their families.

Sound familiar? It should. It's Romeo & Juliet.

I haven't seen it, and I won't. My decision has nothing to do with the fact that the primary characters are homosexual. That dosen't bother me at all. What does bother me is spending $9.50 to see a movie when I already know the story.

I didn't see Titanic either. I know how it ends. The boat sinks.

[Bob Johnson]

No worries Bob, he will still be reading..... banning does not stop him from reading, just posting.
I won't enjoy it if he can't fire back..I loved the way he was trying to sound so intelligent..he would be reduntant just to use a big word..must have had his thesaurus out...trying to sound like William Buckley...dude was a fence contractor..I'd love to see the parts he's trying to sell..bet it's some nice stuff..

[Bill Howell]

The following has no political or sociosexual slant to it whatsoever:

Frankly I don't understand what the big hoo-ha is over Brokeback Mountain.
Let's take a look at the premise. Two people are in love. They cannot be together because of the social stigma associated with their relationship and the dissaproval of their families.

Sound familiar? It should. It's Romeo & Juliet.

I haven't seen it, and I won't. My decision has nothing to do with the fact that the primary characters are homosexual. That dosen't bother me at all. What does bother me is spending $9.50 to see a movie when I already know the story.

I didn't see Titanic either. I know how it ends. The boat sinks.

I am with you right up to the homosexual part. That is the rub as far as I am concerned and I do have issues with it. Romeo and Juliet as I recall were young lovers, one guy one girl. They did not have mates or children, I do not see the similarities. The more Hollywood pushes this down our throat, the more people tend to tolerate it. If someone can tolerate it that is their business, just do not ask me to. Whatever that makes me,or whatever group that puts me in, so be it.

BTW, maybe one day if Hollywood keeps on changing the true facts of history, the boat will not sink.....lol

[Damn True]

Who's Vito?

[Bob Johnson]

Who's Vito?
He was the "new good looking guy" on the new car thread..from your neck of the woods..better watch out..he'll take your woman..you better read his stuff..he's been banned now..but he's one more cool dude..if you need a fence, don't contract with him..don't try to buy his parts..he'll come over to deliver them and POW!! your woman will be gone..he's a 21st century Rudolph Valentino..just ask him...

[shmoov69]

It's called a double standard! Just like politics! :squint:


Chris Rock can say anything he wants to..as can the Waylon Bros in Living Color, Ali G or Rappers, etc.....it must be great to be black and not worry what is politically correct..they can say anything about each other..use the N word all they want and it is cool..call us..or the president, etc. anything they want..degrade women or anything else.. no one gets offended or makes a fuss about it....I still don't understand how the women accept the degradation that the rappers dish out..

[shmoov69]

Was he that dude that was selling that yellow Mustang on Ebay a few weeks ago?!?!? :headbang:


He was the "new good looking guy" on the new car thread..from your neck of the woods..better watch out..he'll take your woman..you better read his stuff..he's been banned now..but he's one more cool dude..if you need a fence, don't contract with him..don't try to buy his parts..he'll come over to deliver them and POW!! your woman will be gone..he's a 21st century Rudolph Valentino..just ask him...

[Bob Johnson]

Was he that dude that was selling that yellow Mustang on Ebay a few weeks ago?!?!? :headbang:
I seriously doubt it..he showed a 400 Yamaha..and a El Camino that had brown primer splotches all over it.. pictures of himself and friends that were 20 years old..if you haven't read his stuff read it..he's one insecure pitiful schizoid..

[Damn True]

So this friend of mine (Mark) is the business manager for a seafood wholesaler in the Bay Area. They kinda cater to a niche market. Mostly high end type eateries. The kind of places where the waiter will tell you that the Travally comes from a small fishing villiage in Costa Rica blah blah blah. Well they actually verify such things and travel to places like that to contract with the actual fishermen etc.

Anyway, about six months ago Mark was on such a trip in Baja. He was with one of his agents (guy skilled in getting perishables through the hoops in Mexican Govt. so it dosen't go foul before it arrives in CA) and they were travelling to a small villiage to meet a fisherman. Out in the middle of godforsaken-nowhere the agent who was driving dropped a wheel off the side of the road, lost control of the truck and rolled. The agent thankfully sustained only minor injuries but Mark got seriously jacked up and was completely unconcious. The agent was able to scramble to the top of a nearby hill to get reception on his Sat-phone to summon help.

18hrs later Mark finally came to in a Mexican Hospital that was shall we say "rural" even by their standards. The agent had called Marks Mother by then and she and I were on our way to Baja. Mark had sustained a compound fracture to his femur and very nearly bled out by the time they got to him. But worse than that, the entire upper right side of his skull was shattered.

When Mark's mom and I arrived the Doctors (they were actually fantastic physicians despite their lack of advanced facilities) informed us that they'd have to wait a few days for Mark to stabilize and the swelling in his brain to diminish. We spent a couple of days there by his side while he drifted in and out of conciousness due to the industrial strength sedation.

When the time came for them to go to work on his skull they gave him something to bring him around. Apparently with that kind of surgery, that close to the brain the patient has to be unsedated so they can accurately monitor brain function so they gave him some kind of local anethesia to prevent him from feeling anything but keep him awake. They were going to open the side of his head, remove the pulverized bone and install a plate to protect his now very vulnerable brain. Mark's Mom and I were allowed to watch from a gallery so we could talk to him and try to keep him from getting too agitated.

The process took HOURS as they carefully removed the hundreds of bits of bone and prepped the surrounding area to be mated to the plate.

Can you imagine, going through a horrific crash, waking up in a hospital, finding out that you are going to need a plate installed in your head and it's going to be done in some semi-primative rural hospital in a Mexican villiage that time and technology seemed to have forgotten? AND YOU ARE GOING TO BE AWAKE FOR IT!

Well the time came to install the device and the surgical assistant came into the operatory with it on a tray and as he placed it on the table next to the surgeon he said, "Carefull sir, the plate is hot."

[Bob Johnson]

So this friend of mine (Mark) is the business manager for a seafood wholesaler in the Bay Area. They kinda cater to a niche market. Mostly high end type eateries. The kind of places where the waiter will tell you that the Travally comes from a small fishing villiage in Costa Rica blah blah blah. Well they actually verify such things and travel to places like that to contract with the actual fishermen etc.

Anyway, about six months ago Mark was on such a trip in Baja. He was with one of his agents (guy skilled in getting perishables through the hoops in Mexican Govt. so it dosen't go foul before it arrives in CA) and they were travelling to a small villiage to meet a fisherman. Out in the middle of godforsaken-nowhere the agent who was driving dropped a wheel off the side of the road, lost control of the truck and rolled. The agent thankfully sustained only minor injuries but Mark got seriously jacked up and was completely unconcious. The agent was able to scramble to the top of a nearby hill to get reception on his Sat-phone to summon help.

18hrs later Mark finally came to in a Mexican Hospital that was shall we say "rural" even by their standards. The agent had called Marks Mother by then and she and I were on our way to Baja. Mark had sustained a compound fracture to his femur and very nearly bled out by the time they got to him. But worse than that, the entire upper right side of his skull was shattered.

When Mark's mom and I arrived the Doctors (they were actually fantastic physicians despite their lack of advanced facilities) informed us that they'd have to wait a few days for Mark to stabilize and the swelling in his brain to diminish. We spent a couple of days there by his side while he drifted in and out of conciousness due to the industrial strength sedation.

When the time came for them to go to work on his skull they gave him something to bring him around. Apparently with that kind of surgery, that close to the brain the patient has to be unsedated so they can accurately monitor brain function so they gave him some kind of local anethesia to prevent him from feeling anything but keep him awake. They were going to open the side of his head, remove the pulverized bone and install a plate to protect his now very vulnerable brain. Mark's Mom and I were allowed to watch from a gallery so we could talk to him and try to keep him from getting too agitated.

The process took HOURS as they carefully removed the hundreds of bits of bone and prepped the surrounding area to be mated to the plate.

Can you imagine, going through a horrific crash, waking up in a hospital, finding out that you are going to need a plate installed in your head and it's going to be done in some semi-primative rural hospital in a Mexican villiage that time and technology seemed to have forgotten? AND YOU ARE GOING TO BE AWAKE FOR IT!

Well the time came to install the device and the surgical assistant came into the operatory with it on a tray and as he placed it on the table next to the surgeon he said, "Carefull sir, the plate is hot."
heard that

[shmoov69]

I just went and read it, pretty funny! That dude is pretty STUD if you ask me! LOL! :rotfl: It just makes me wonder if he was really serious? Almost like Nepoleon Dynamite! Except not as cool! :headbang:

I seriously doubt it..he showed a 400 Yamaha..and a El Camino that had brown primer splotches all over it.. pictures of himself and friends that were 20 years old..if you haven't read his stuff read it..he's one insecure pitiful schizoid..

[Damn True]

Read the Vito stuff. Pretty dang funny if you ask me. Unless the mods deleted some content I found nothing offensive. Bat-guano-crazy? Yes. But not offensive.

Would have been fun to watch more of that.

[Damn True]

Anyone seen Penn Gillete's movie "The Aristocrats"?

No quoting from the movie please, but daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaang, that's some funny stuff!

[Damn True]

So the other night Bill and Melinda are settled down in the Howell boudoir. Bill thinks Melinda has nodded off so he takes the opportunity to as they say, "Let one fly." As luck would have it, Melinda was not asleep and heard Bill's "emission" and cried, "Good gawdallmighty Bill, what was that?"

Bill replies, "Oh hon, just a little game. It's scored like football. I have seven points!"

Melinda thinks it sounds like fun, gives a little grunt and releases an impressive blast.

Bill, shocked and yet a bit proud as well says, "Great job shugga-pie. You have seven now too! We're tied."

Bill puts out an amazing effort. Pushing, straining and popping a vein in his neck. The result.....a pathetic little "Psssft."

Melinda laughs a bit and says, "Hon, that's gotta be no more than three." Then gives a little push and goes great-gun's with a downright thunderous caucophony of flatulence.

Bill, again astounded at the performance, but a tad dejected says, "Yeah, yeah now your leading fourteen to ten."

Bill puffs up, pushes, squeezes, strains and groans and.......nuthin. Saddened, he says, "Fresh out hon. Your turn."

Melinda laughs, says "Oh it's on like donkey-kong now Billy-Boy!" Bears down and all hell breaks loose. It's wet, it's squishy, it's an unholy mess of human waste all over the sheets.

Bill jumps out of the bed horrified, and screams, "Great googly-moogly Melinda! What have you done?!?!"

Melinda gives Bill a coy look and says, "Half-time Bill. Switch sides."

[JoshStratton]

Well excuuuuuuse meeeee..

LOL you cant offend me. It isnt possible.

I was just worried about those on this site who may of a different sexual nature or color, if there are any.

This site could be a straight cracker box for all I know.

[Bill Howell]

So the other night Bill and Melinda are settled down in the Howell boudoir. Bill thinks Melinda has nodded off so he takes the opportunity to as they say, "Let one fly." As luck would have it, Melinda was not asleep and heard Bill's "emission" and cried, "Good gawdallmighty Bill, what was that?"

Bill replies, "Oh hon, just a little game. It's scored like football. I have seven points!"

Melinda thinks it sounds like fun, gives a little grunt and releases an impressive blast.

Bill, shocked and yet a bit proud as well says, "Great job shugga-pie. You have seven now too! We're tied."

Bill puts out an amazing effort. Pushing, straining and popping a vein in his neck. The result.....a pathetic little "Psssft."

Melinda laughs a bit and says, "Hon, that's gotta be no more than three." Then gives a little push and goes great-gun's with a downright thunderous caucophony of flatulence.

Bill, again astounded at the performance, but a tad dejected says, "Yeah, yeah now your leading fourteen to ten."

Bill puffs up, pushes, squeezes, strains and groans and.......nuthin. Saddened, he says, "Fresh out hon. Your turn."

Melinda laughs, says "Oh it's on like donkey-kong now Billy-Boy!" Bears down and all hell breaks loose. It's wet, it's squishy, it's an unholy mess of human waste all over the sheets.

Bill jumps out of the bed horrified, and screams, "Great googly-moogly Melinda! What have you done?!?!"

Melinda gives Bill a coy look and says, "Half-time Bill. Switch sides."


LOL, Close True, very close. You must be the peeping Tom here.

[Bob Johnson]

We keep chipping away at the moral fiber of this great nation. Our Liberal counterparts must not have had any history lessons. We keep it up and we'll be like Soddom and Gomorrah...it's hard being a pimp.. daddy yo..it's a shame the only perspective our kids see is a liberal one..movies, TV, Schools, newspapers are nearly all liberal. Our kids don't get an equal exposure to the conservative view point. Go to familywatchdog.us Guess where the heaviest concentration of perverts are located..

[Bob Johnson]

Read the Vito stuff. Pretty dang funny if you ask me. Unless the mods deleted some content I found nothing offensive. Bat-guano-crazy? Yes. But not offensive.

Would have been fun to watch more of that.
I agree..I was enjoying his rantings and ravings..could you imagine trying to read a book that D/A wrote..he was so busy trying to insert big words everywhere, his sentences were hard to read..what an ego..unless he was someone just screwing around with everyone..

[Bob Johnson]

LOL, Close True, very close. You must be the peeping Tom here.
I don't think there would be a time ol Bill couldn't let loose of some hot air.. just pull his finger the next time you see him..just don't have a cigarette in your mouth..Bill and Melinda in a flatulents contest would be like Goldberg wrasslin Pee Wee Herman

[Bob Johnson]

Was he that dude that was selling that yellow Mustang on Ebay a few weeks ago?!?!? :headbang:
he's one letter short of being a dude..a dud..

[Jimmy Sean]

A Texan is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife has produced a Typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average down home, folks like I said, my boy's a Typical Texas baby boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW!". We heard one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say you're the father of that Typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his, Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had 'em circumcised"!

[Bob Johnson]

California guy walks in a bar and orders a double shot straight up. tells the bartender he's just experienced his first blow job..bartender tells him..I'll drink to that too..guy immediately orders another, and another, and another. Bartender says damn aren't you thru celebrating yet? Guy says.. celebrating hell..I'm just trying to get the taste out of my mouth..

[EFI69Cam]

Wyoming trucker picks up a California hitchhiker. Later on, they come across a sheep caught in a fence. Trucker stops and does the Wyoming thing with the sheep. He then remembers the hitchhiker and asks if he wants some. Cali hitchhiker answers "yes but how do I get caught in the fence?"

[Ralph LoGrasso]

Please keep the politics out of the thread.

[Damn True]

A man walks into a doctor's office.
He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

[Bob Johnson]

you know what one condom said to the other condom when they walked by a gay bar? Wanna go in and get shi* faced..

[Damn True]

A Californian and a Redneck are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on.
At this point, the Californian goes to the trunk and fetches a 12 year old bottle of whisky. He hands the bottle to the Redneck, who exclaims,'' may the Rednecks and the Californians live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Redneck then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down.
Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Californian, who replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here!''

[Bob Johnson]

Please keep the politics out of the thread.
does this mean we can't say why Monica Lewinsky voted Republican in the last election? Said the democratic party had left a bad taste in her mouth

[Damn True]

Why do the Britt's drink warm beer?



Because Lucas makes refrigerators too.

[Bob Johnson]

heard about the new band in Iraq? no kids on the block

do you know why they don't circumsize Iraqi soldiers? Where would they put their chewing gum during a sand storm??

difference between a vacuum cleaner and an Iraqi tank? only one dirtbag in a vacuum cleaner

[Damn True]

So an old couple of Norweigien decent were driving down a rural highway in Minnesota. The gentleman, Lars, said to his elderly bride, Lina, "Lina dear, vy don't vee pull over along side da highway fer a bit of dontchaknow?"

Lina responds with a shy giggle and says, "Oh Lars yust drive de truck."

A few miles down the road, Lars tries again. "Lina dear, vy don't vee pull over along side da highway fer a bit of dontchaknow?"

Lina rolls her eyes and says, "Oh Lars yust drive de truck."

A favorite old romantic song comes on the AM radio and as Lina hums the tune Lars tries once again, "Lina dear, vy don't vee pull over along side da highway fer a bit of dontchaknow?"

Lina's eyes light up a bit this time and she says, "Sure I'd like to Lars, but vaht if somebody sees?"

Lars senses he may be about to get a little lucky and replies, "Why simple dear Lina. We'll crawl under ze truck and if somebody comes along I'll say I'm yust ayustin de clutch."

Lina giggles a bit and says, "Oh Lars yer a silly man, yust drive ze truck."

Nothing is said for a while when unexpectedly Lina places her hand on Lars' thigh and says, "Lars vy don't you pull ze truck over and we'll have a bit of dontchaknow?"

Lars nearly loses his mind. Screeches to a halt and the two bound from the cab and scramble beneath the truck in a passionate embrace.

Minutes later Lars looks up and sees a shiny pair of patent leather highway patrolmans boots in front of him. Realizing that he is in the patrol area of his old friend Sven the Highway Patrolman he says, "Eye, iz zat you Sven?"

The cop replies, "Uyah Lars it's me. Vat ya doin zere?"

Lars replies, "Oh Sven, I'm yust ayustin ze clutch."

Sven replies, "Vell Lars, vile yer down zere ya might wanna ayust ze parking brake. Yer truck yust rolled down ze hill."

[Damn True]

On Saturday during Barrett Jackson Charlie Lillard lost his wallet containing an absurd amount of cash. While Bill Howell helped look under the bleachers (actually he was trying to peek up girls skirts) Charlie contacted the auctioneer who announced the missing billfold and said that Charlie would grant a reward of $1000 for it's return if it still contained the money.

From the back of the hall Bob Johnson yelled, "Fifteen hundred!"

[Damn True]

An New Englander, a Californian and a Southerner are sitting in a bar full of people. The New Englander says, "The pubs in Boston are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free". Everyone in the bar agreed and gave a big cheer. The Californian says,"..yeah. That's quite good but in California you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free." Again, the crowd in the bar gave a big cheer. The Southern man says "Your bars are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Georgia. In Georgia you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the backroom for a roll in the hay!"
The Californian says "WOW! Did that happen to you?" and the Southerner replies "No, but it happened to my sister."

[Damn True]

Redneck Engineering Exam

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? a) '66 Ford Fairlane b) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle c) '64 Pontiac GTO
3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?
4. A pulpwood cutter has chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The lot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?
8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?
9. A Coal Mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?
10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?

[Damn True]

How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.
"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.

"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa..."

[Bob Johnson]

The new good looking guy, Vito was at the beach..he kept seeing this guy with a new good looking sexy girl each and every day. after several days of not scoring, Vito goes up to the guy and asks him his secret..the guy tells him to put a potato in his swim trunks. after a couple days of still not scoring he goes up to the guy to seek some more advice. The guy asks him how it's going? Vito says not good..Guy looks down..says..it works better when you put the potato in the front..

[Bob Johnson]

Ol Rodney King came over to Pidgeon Forge to go to Dollywood..Good ol Hill Billy police locked his as* up..beat the shi* out of him...charged him with impersonating a pinata..

[Damn True]

The new good looking guy, Vito was at the beach..he kept seeing this guy with a new good looking sexy girl each and every day. after several days of not scoring, Vito goes up to the guy and asks him his secret..the guy tells him to put a potato in his swim trunks. after a couple days of still not scoring he goes up to the guy to seek some more advice. The guy asks him how it's going? Vito says not good..Guy looks down..says..it works better when you put the potato in the front..

Wow, who knew?

[Bill Howell]

You two have turned this into a contest? Damn, save one or two for tommorrow....lol

[Bob Johnson]

Guy was in a bar..it was full of sexy women that all were on the make..He was flirting with one and asked what convention they were attending..She told him NAN..he said what is NAN..she said National Assn. of Nymphos..He said what do you do at the convention..She said they compare notes on men, specifically the different ethnic/racial groups and how they perform sexually. He said like what? She said for instance..black men have longer schlongs..jewish men have more girth..French men are better at oral sex..Indians are more compassionate..good ol rednecks have more stamina..she said enough about me and NAN..what is your name? He said Chief Leroy Goldstein, but my friends call me monsieur cooter...

[Damn True]

A jolly old man name of Howell
stood at the door in a towel
to the mormons at his door
he exposed himself, the boor
and showed them a sight most foul

[Bob Johnson]

Ol Vito was working in a funeral home..he was preparing a body for the coroner to inspect. The coroner ask vito if he saw anything unusual on the young lady..Vito said yes..She's got a shrimp in her puss..The coroner looked at the young lady and said Vito that's her clitoris..Why would you say it's a shrimp? Vito said..well it tasted like one...

[Bob Johnson]

Greenkeeper at an exclusive gold course bought 3 robots to help groom the golf course. He had been having extreme difficulty finding decent help (before we got all the Mexicans)..The first day he put them out there..they cut grass, trimmed around bushes, swept walkways, patched divots, etc..the course was looking great..he was so proud, he was polishing the robots and preparing them, for the next days work when his phone rings..his assistant said..it's the general manager for you..he was elated..just knew he was going to get praised for how nice the grounds looked..The GM told him we're going to have to get rid of those robots..the GK said why..the place looks great..The GM said we're getting complaints from the golfers..the sun is reflecting off them and the glare is adversly affecting their concentration..The GK said, I've got a solution..don't worry..So the GK gets out his spray gun,paints them flat black so they will not reflect the sunlight.. couple days later the GM notices the grounds are looking raggedy again and calls the GK..he said I thought you had a solution..GK said I thought I did..but the next day 2 of them didn't show up and the third one held up the pro shop..

[Bob Johnson]

nothing's sacred..just got word that Buckwheat of Lil Rascals fame has been posthumously received into the Muslim Religion..gonna call him Kareem of Wheat...

[Bob Johnson]

why did the hillbilly cross the road?? Couldn't get his dik out of the chicken...

[Bob Johnson]

hear about the Siamese Twins that moved to Europe...the other one wanted his turn at driving

[Damn True]

hear about the Siamese Twins that moved to Europe...the other one wanted his turn at driving

Your best thus far.

Clean and funny.

[Damn True]

Johnson, Howell and Lillard are sitting in their rockers on the front porch of the Retired Hot-Rodders rest home when the silence is broken by Charlie. "Guys, you remember when your prostate wasn't actin' up and you could take a leak whenever, and wherever you wanted?"

Bill laughed a little and said, "Yeah, Charlie I remember...a long time back. But do you recall the days when you could move your bowels without having to swallow a quart of Metamucill every day?"

Charlie laughed and said, "Just barely."

After a couple minutes of silence Bob piped up, "Guys, I don't have any problem taking a leak or a dump........ I just wish I could get out of bed beforehand."

[Damn True]

Two women are playing golf when one of them slices her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, one of the men collapses in agony with both hands in his crotch. She runs to him, apologizes, and explains that she is a physical therapist and can help ease his pain.

"No thanks, just give me a few minutes... I'll be fine..." he replies quietly with his hands still between his legs. Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently opens the front of his pants and starts massaging his "nether region".

"Doesn't that feel better?" she asks.

"Well... yes... That feels pretty good," he admits. "But my thumb still hurts like hell."

[Damn True]

A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep.

The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"

[Damn True]

A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILER "JESUS".

[Damn True]

Two old men are pushing their carts around the supermarket when they collide.

The first guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts.

What does your wife look like?"




The first old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours....!

[Bob Johnson]

two old dudes are talking over breakfast..one is preoccupied and not very talkative..the other asks him what's wrong with him..he says well I think my wife has aids or altzeimers..Don't know which one and I don't know what to do. The other one tells him..just take her out and drop her off 2 or 3 miles from your house..If she finds her way home, don't dare phuk her..

[Damn True]

One day, old man Johnson decides that the time has come to indulge himself. He has been working hard and making money all his life, and he rarely spends any of it on himself. So he goes out and buys the world's fastest street legal hot-rod: the all-custom G-Force Cuda. This puppy can hit over 200 mph on a straightaway and has all the trimmings. Leather, CD, Sunroof, GPS, everything. It cost him a cool million.

He decides to take it for an afternoon spin. He's just cruising around town with one arm out the window, having the time of his life, when he gets to a red light. He pulls up next to Howell on a little moped who is already waiting at the light.

"Now THAT'S a car," Howell says with awe. "What on earth did that cost you?"

"Around a million," Johnson proclaimed. "And that was a steal. This here is the world's fastest street legal hot-rod."

"You're kidding!" Howell scoffed. "How fast?"

"Well over 200."

The Howell's jaw dropped. "Hey, do you mind if I take a look around inside real quick?"

"Not at all," Johnson said.

Howell leans way over and sticks his head in the window. After looking around for a few seconds, he sits back down on his moped. "That's a fine car," he said, nodding his head.

Just then, the stoplight turned to green, and Johnson decided to show Howell what his car is really capable of. He floors it out of the intersection, and in a few seconds he is happily cruising along at over 200 mph.

He happens to glance in his rearview mirror, and notices to his dismay a speck on the horizon that seems to be getting closer. Sure enough, the speck comes closer and closer until WHOOSH! it passes him. Johnson just can't figure out what's going on here, so he pulls over. He sees the speck again on the horizon in front of him coming back towards him, and sure enough, WHOOSH! it passes him again. This time, though, he was prepared and got a better look at it. He could have sworn that he saw the Howell on the moped. "But that's impossible," he thought to himself.

Once again, the thing was coming back at the rear of his car, only this time it looked like it was going to hit. And hit it did. There was a loud crash as the thing slammed into the back of the Cuda.

Johnson jumps out of the car and runs around to the back, where Howell is dying on the road, pieces of his moped scattered around him.

"Oh, my God!" Johnson said, horrified. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes," Howell responded feebly. "Before I die, I want you to unhook my suspenders from your side mirror."

[Bob Johnson]

cool

[Bill Howell]

damn, I hate it when that happens, :rotfl:

Good one True :headbang:

[Bob Johnson]

In a Tennessee town just outside Pigeon Forge a small elderly woman is in the only small funeral home crying over her husband of 60 years who has just passed away. The funderal home owner is one of two employees, and is the undertaker, mortician etc. He walks up to the little frail lady and trys to give her some comforting words. Tells her what a good man Junior was..Hard working, honest, reliable, sincere, etc. The little ol lady thanks him and tells him that Junior also thought very highly of him and often spoke good things about him. He thanked her and told her if there was anything he could do for her, just let him know. She said there's one thing you could do if you would be so kind..He said Anything you want..She said that dead gentleman in the other room in the funeral home had a blue suit on..Junior looked so much better in blue than in the brown suit they had on him, she would be eternally grateful if they would get Junior a blue suit for him to have on when he went to meet his maker. The owner said no problem..I'll be more than happy to put a blue suit on Junior..She thanked him profusely..she said I can sleep so much better tonight knowing Junior will be dressed in a blue suit to go meet his maker. As she cleared the front door and was out of sight the owner hollers..Pete..swap heads on these two hillbillys up here...

[4MuscleMachines]

"Oh, my God!" Johnson said, horrified. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes," Howell responded feebly. "Before I die, I want you to unhook my suspenders from your side mirror."
:lmao: That one gave me a good laugh, it's 1am and I woke up the baby! My baby girl that is..

[BlazerSpeed]

Alright...time for some pirate humor...yes its come to this.

-Captain Johnson stumbles into a bar...hes loaded, and oddly enough his hands are in his pants pockets. As hes wandering around the joint, he's slaming into the customers, knocking over tables, spilling drinks, yelling profanities...the whole nine, but the whole time, his hands are still in his pants. The bar tender is getting royally pissed, after all his bar is trashed, people are injured, and his booze is being destroyed by this moronic drunkard.
Bartender: "HEY WTF IS YOUR PROBLEM PAL?!"
CJ: "Yar I crashed me boat on account of me drinkin', and now I got this."
Captain Johnson shows the bartender that there is a Captain's Wheel sticking out of his pants.
Bartender: "Look pal, I don't care what the hell is in your pants, you've destroyed my business!"
CJ: "Yar, you think thats bad...this things driven me nuts!"

-Derek-

[Bob Johnson]

repost

[WS6]

RRRRRRRRRR!

how much did the pirate pay to have his ears pierced?

a buckanear.


i love pirate jokes

[Bob Johnson]

In a Tennessee town just outside Pigeon Forge a small elderly woman is in the only small funeral home crying over her husband of 60 years who has just passed away. The funderal home owner is one of two employees, and is the undertaker, mortician etc. He walks up to the little frail lady and trys to give her some comforting words. Tells her what a good man Junior was..Hard working, honest, reliable, sincere, etc. The little ol lady thanks him and tells him that Junior also thought very highly of him and often spoke good things about him. He thanked her and told her if there was anything he could do for her, just let him know. She said there's one thing you could do if you would be so kind..He said Anything you want..She said that dead gentleman in the other room in the funeral home had a blue suit on..Junior looked so much better in blue than in the brown suit they had on him, she would be eternally grateful if they would get Junior a blue suit for him to have on when he went to meet his maker. The owner said no problem..I'll be more than happy to put a blue suit on Junior..She thanked him profusely..she said I can sleep so much better tonight knowing Junior will be dressed in a blue suit to go meet his maker. As she cleared the front door and was out of sight the owner hollers..Pete..swap heads on these two hillbillys up here...
Bill, you did a good job making it politically correct..but it's not nearly as funny..

[Bob Johnson]

talked to Vito's shrink today and found out why he was so screwed up in the head..When Vito was 3 he goes to his daddy and says daddy I'm 3 years old now..can I have a tricycle..daddy asks him..will your dik reach your as*..Vito says no..daddy says well then you can't have it..Vito is 5..asks his daddy..I'm 5 can I have a pedal car? Dad asks same question..Vito says no again..Dad says then you can't have it..Same thing happens at 8 years old for a bicycle..12 years for a go kart..Vito knew he was going to be 16 and was going to be wanting a car..So everytime he relieved himself he tugged and pulled his pud..at night he rigged a rope to the ceiling and pulled on his pud..Well by the time he was 16 his pud would reach his A**. He goes to his dad and says I'm 16 now can I have a car..His dad says.. son will your pud reach your A**. Vito Fires back IT SURE WILL..Dad says good go phuk yourself

[67RScamaroVette]

There was a family of storks living in a tree. The baby one noticed that the father stork left one night, so he asked what he was doing. The father one replied "delivering babies." The baby bird said, "oh, ok," and went about his business. The next night, he noticed his mother was missing. When she returned, the baby asked again, where she had gone.. "I was deliverin babies," she responded. The baby bird says "oh, ok," and continues on with what he was doing. That weekend, the parents noticed that the baby was missing. Finally, he came back on monday morning. The parents angrily demanded where he had been. He replied with a grin, .. "Scaring the $**t out of college students."

[muthstryker]

A man excapes from prison, breaks into a house, and finds a couple sleeping. he orders the husband out of the bed at knifepoint and ties him to a chair. while tying the wife to the bed, he kisses her neck for a minute. then the criminal gets up and goes to the bathroom. the husband hurriedly leans over and whispers to his wife, "this guy is an escaped convict. He's probaly spent lots of time in jail and hasnt seen a women for years. i saw how he kissed your neck. if he wants sex, dont resist--just do whatever he tells you, and with any luck we'll make it out alive. Stay strong, honey. I love you." "Oh, he wasnt kissing my neck, "his wife whispers back." He was talking in my ear. he told me he thought you were really cute and then asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bath room under the sink. Stay Strong, Honey. I love you, too."

[67RScamaroVette]

What do you call a 350lb stripper???



Broke..



Two guys are walking down the sidewalk, when they notice an old well by the side of the road. One points out a cinderblock sitting next to the well. One nudges the other and suggests they drop it in to see how deep the well is. The other agrees, and together they lift the large brick, and tip it into the well. They both lean their heads inward, hoping to hear a splash. They hear a curious screeching noise, and turn around to see a goat in full sprint, hurtling towards them, and disappearing down the well. Stunned, the two decide to leave after hearing nothing from the well. They start down the road and find a farmer calmly sitting on a log. They explain how the goat jumped down the well, and how quick it was moving, and inquire as to whether or not the farmer owned it. The farmer says, "No, i've got a goat, but it couldnt' have been mine. He's old and crippled. Besides, i had him tied to an old cinderblock back there."

[muthstryker]

What do you call a hooker with her hands up her skirt?

Self Employed.

[67RScamaroVette]

lmao.

A blonde goes to a car dealership, planning on buying a new car. When it comes time to determine the value of her trade-in, the dealer tells her its hardly worth anything, because it has over 200,000 miles. Angrily, she storms off, and talks to a mechanic friend of hers, who agrees to turn the odometer back so she can get better value on her trade in. She jumps in the car, thanks him, and as she's about to drive off, the mechanic asks her, "how much are you planning on selling it for?" She replies, "SELL IT?!, it's only got 50,000 miles!"

[Bob Johnson]

know what you call a cow with no legs...ground beef

[Bob Johnson]

Vito and his wife were at a bar and a group of bikers came in. Vito got friendly with the bikers and went back to their camp with his wife..After a lot of drinking the bikers decided they wanted to have sex with Vito's wife..They drew a big circle and told Vito to stand in the circle and DO NOT get out of the circle..They stripped down Vito's wife..she was having sex with about twenty bikers..every kind of lewd degrading act imaginable was going on with her..3 or more bikers at a time..golden showers..the works..everytime one of the bikers looked at Vito he woulkd be laughing and grinning..After he saw this 5 or so times he goes over to Vito and says..man were over here having sex with your wife, doing everything imaginable to her, and you're over here grinning..what's gives? Ol Vito says, man I got out of that circle 4 times and none of you caught me.

[muthstryker]

know what you call a cow with no legs...ground beef

bob stop reading maxim!

[muthstryker]

A little boy comes home from school and tells his father that his homework assignment is to find out the difference between "potentially" and "realistically." "easy," says his father." First, ask mom if she'd sleep with the mailman for a million dollars." the boy runs off, then comes back and says "She said yes." "Now go ask yur sister the same question," advises the father. again the boy runs off, and again he comes back and says, "she said yes." "So, potentially, we're sitting on two million dollars," replies the father." "But, realistically, we're living with a pair of whores."

[Bob Johnson]

bob stop reading maxim!
I don't read it..but I give the pix hell

[Bob Johnson]

this was going to be one of my next posts..I like that one too..

[Bob Johnson]

ol Howells kid is in trhe 7th grade and the teacher asks him if he knew who signed the Declaration of Independence. His kid replied hell no..Teacher sent a note home and requested a meeting with Bill and his son..Bill accompanied his son to a meeting with the teacher. She told Bill..I ask your son if he knew who signed the D of I. and he replied Hell no..Bill looks at his son and said..look son if you did it..fess up.. not exactly the way I heard it so the names were changed to protect the guilty..

[Bob Johnson]

drunk staggers in a bar..has no money so he blurts out..I'll do anything for a drink..guy looks at him and says..you see that spittoon over there, take a drink out of it..drunk goes over and pulls it off the wall..tips it up and drinks the whole thing..The guy gasps, being completely grossed out says..damn man I said just take a drink..you drank the whole the thing..what's wrong with you? Drunk says I tried, but it was all in one string..

[Bob Johnson]

accountant is embezzling money from his employer to play the stock market..He thought he could invest the money, make money with it,, repay it before anyone missed it. But as things usually go, he just kept losing and taking more money. He got caught..got tried, convicted to 20 years. He was terrified of all the prison stories and how prisoners were sex slaves for other bigger stronger prisoners. They took him to his cell and lo and behold, his roommate was This big dude named Leroy. Leroy was standing there in his boxer underwear..his schlong hanging down below his underwear..The accountant was scared to death..Ol leroy doesn't say a word..The accountant went to bed and didn't sleep a lick..worried ol Leroy was going to pork him. Next morning they got up and their breakfast was slid under the door. As they were eating Leroy looks at him and says..We're going to be locked up here together for a long time. We're going to have to play some house. I always give my roomies choice if they want to be the mama or the daddy. Accountant says I want to be the daddy. Leroy looks at him..says mama just got home from a hard days work cleanin houses for 12 hours..Mamas real tired and stressed out and mama wants her dik sucked..

[JoshStratton]

What do you call a cow that masterbastes? Beef Stroganoff

[yellowrallys]

teacher asks little boy pupil; Bobby, please give the definition of ''fascinate''. Bobby says...hmmm, can I get back to ya tommorrow?? "ok'', says the teach. Next day Bobby rushes into class, "I know I know" he says. "All of my sisters sweaters have ten buttons, but her tits are so big, she can only "fascinate".

[Bob Johnson]

You know the difference between a penis and a paycheck?. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck...

[Bob Johnson]

overheard in a gay bar conversation..can I push in your stool?

[Bob Johnson]

You know why lawyers always wear neckties? Keeps their foreskin from rolling up their face

[Bob Johnson]

know what you get if you cross a hillbilly and a goat? a weed eater that won't work..

[Bob Johnson]

Know what you get if you cross Arnold Schwarzenegger with a Jew? Conan the wholesale distributor

[Bob Johnson]

difference between a condom and a coffin? both of them have stiffs in them..but one is coming...the other is going..

[Bob Johnson]

Pidgeon Forge police force found a woman slain in her apartment..in a bathtub full of milk with a banana up her as*..They theorize it was a cereal killer..

[Bob Johnson]

Saw The Real riding around with his new girlfriend. She had so much hair under her arm, I thought she had Don King in a head lock

[Bob Johnson]

you know the difference between a woman and a computer? computer will accept a 3 1/2" floppy

[Bob Johnson]

Hillbilly dude goes to apply for a job..Sits down in front of the human resources director..Director asks him to tell about himself. Hillbilly Dude says well I like to go to bed early and get up early. I always like to get to work an hour early where I can prepare for the day and get myself organized before everyone gets to work. I never take breaks, or lunch. I can't stand to get around other employees and bull Shi*. I always like to work late and make sure my work is completely finished and nothing is left over that can be completed today. I never make or receive personal calls. I love responsibility and a heavy workload. I don't want to get bored by not having enough work. The HRD said well let me tell you about the job. It pays $250K per year..There is a full expense account including an all expenses paid penthouse apartment with all utilities furnished and paid for. The company car is a top of the line Mercedes or BMW. The company jets are available for business and personal use. Dude says man you've got to be sh*ting me..HRD said yes I am..but you started it..

I could have sworn that joke I just posted wasn't about no hillbilly.. :wedgie: :wedgie:

[Bob Johnson]

do you know what a hurricane and marriage have in common? They both start off with a bunch of sucking and blowing..and then you lose your house......just ask Howell

[Bill Howell]

Funny if it was not so true.....lol

[Bob Johnson]

Lorainne Bobbit had a wreck..Police were taking her statement..She told them some dik cut her off

[Bob Johnson]

Ol Vito was having sex with a epileptic when right in the middle of the act, she had an epileptic fit. He dialed 911. When the operator asked him what the problem was he said I'm not sure .. I was having sex with this girl and I think her cummer stuck.

[Bob Johnson]

Ol Howell was in Pigeon Forge at Dolly World..Ran into this knock out gal with the nicest round butt you ever saw..Ol Suave Bill said..What kind of Jeans are those? She replied Guess..ol bill fires back.. Levi's?

[Bob Johnson]

Ol boy's elbow is hurting him so he goes to the doctor..Doctor asks him if wants a computer physical or one done by the doctor. Guy asks what's the difference. Doc said well the computer physical cost $50.00, and one done by me cost $250.00. Guy says well is the computer accurate? Doc said, we've never caught it in a mistake yet. So guy says I'll do the computer one. Doc asks him to give him a specimen. Pours it into the computer, computer purrs a second or two and spits out a tape..Tape says you've got tennis elbow..Guy says, that isn't right..I've never played tennis in my life. Doc said, the computer doesn't make mistakes, pay the bill. The guy pays, goes home and the more he thinks about it, the madder he gets. He decides he's going to go back and pay another $50.00 and screw with the computer. So he pees in a cup. goes out in the yard and sees a pile of dog crap..he gets a little of it with a stick and stirs it in the cup. he see's a old junk car he has, goes over and pulls out the dip stick and puts some oil in the cup..He goes in the house and see's a tampax in the trash..he dips it in the cup..and for good measure, he spanks his monkey and shoots off in the cup. He goes back to the doc with the cup hidden in his pocket. Tells him he wants a second opinion from the computer. Doc says OK but you're wasting your money. Guy says that's OK I want to see the result. Doc gives him a cup, he walks in the bathroom and pours his cup into Docs cup. Comes out and gives it to Doc who pours it into the computer. The computer purrs, whines, jumps, etc. Doc says man I've never seen this happen before. Finally the computer kicks out a tape. Doc looks at it and said. Well your dog has worms, your car has a blown head gasket, your wife is on the rag, and if you don't stop beating off, you won't ever get rid of that tennis elbow...

[Bob Johnson]

What is the official term for the black guys that drive the Jiffy Johnnie trucks?
Black Lavatory Retrievers

[Bob Johnson]

You know how the Gays got out of Frisco so fast after the earthquake? Already had their shi* packed..

[Bob Johnson]

Ol howell had a couple of gay guys living in one of his houses in Pigeon Forge. They both died of aids and there was no one to handle their affairs. So good ol Bill decided to take care of it. He couldn't get any of the tradition funeral homes to touch them..They wanted nothing to do with aids. So ol Bill decides to see a taxidermist. He discusses it with the taxidermist and the taxidermist asks Bill if he wants them mounted..Bill said no I think holding hands will be sufficient.

[Bob Johnson]

Ol bill keeps changing the names to protect the guilty..I sent him some good ones..they all got nixxed completely..didn't sound right when he threw the poor ol hilly billy under the bus..he's gonna feel bad when bunch of hillbillys start reading this and get pis*ed..oh that's right they can't read.

[toxicz28]

I don't know how many of you shop at Wal-Mart, but this is useful to know.
I am posting this to warn you of something that happened to me, as I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
This happened to me at Wal-Mart, and it could happen to you.
Here's how the scam happened:

Two seriously hot 18-year-old girls came over to my car while I was packing up my shopping in the trunk.

They both started wiping down my windshield with a rag and windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It was impossible for me not to look.

When I thanked them and offered them a tip, they say 'No' and instead asked me for a ride to another Wal-Mart. Naturally, I agreed and they climbed into my back seat.

On the way there, they started having sex with each other. And I thought," This is GREAT!" Then one of them climbed over into the front seat and performed oral sex on me while the other one stole my wallet.

I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Friday, also yesterday, and probably again tonight.

[shmoov69]

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into her sexiest nightie and with great anticipation crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "It's Lent." In tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Who did you lend it to,and for how long?

[shmoov69]

At the end of a tiny deserted bar in downtown New Orleans sat a huge black
man. He was having a few beers, when a short, well dressed, and obviously
gay man walked in and sat beside him.



After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words to
the big black man. Leaning over towards him, he whispered, "Do you want a
blow job?"



At this, the massive black man leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked
the sh_t out of the gay man, knocking him swiftly off his stool.



He proceeded to beat him all the way out of the bar, before leaving him
bruised and battered in the parking lot, and returning to his seat.



Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the black man,
and said, "I've never seen you react like that. What did he say to you?"



"I don't know," the black man replied. "Something about a job."

[shmoov69]

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor.

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."

O'Malley was shocked, but managed to compose himself and walk into the waiting room, where his son had been waiting.

"Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints."

They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

O'Malley! told his friends they were drinking to his impending end. "I have been diagnosed with AIDS. "The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers.

After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."

O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your Mother after I'm gone."

[shmoov69]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man, seeing this, said "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. "I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

[Bob Johnson]

Ol Bill howell was on the Oprah Winfrey show..The topic of discussion is Ghosts..She asked anyone who believes in Ghosts please stand..about a third of the audience stood up. She said if anyone has ever seen a ghost, remain standing..all others sit down. About two thirds sat down. The she ask if anyone had ever talked to a ghost..That left only a handful of people. then she ask has anyone ever had sex with a ghost..Only Billy boy remained standing. She ran back to him and ask You mean you've had sex with a ghost?..Billy replied..Oh I thought you said Goat.

[Bob Johnson]

Three Nuns were driving to Mass and were involved in a horrendous traffic accident and all 3 were killed. When the three met St. Peter at the pearly gates, Peter approached them and told them since they had led such exemplary lives, he was going to give them 1 wish each..to do anything they wanted, before they entered heaven.He asked the first nun what she wanted..She said, I've never had sex..I'd like to have sex before I enter heaven. He said who would you like to have sex with. She said Clark Gabel. He said your wish is granted. He asked the 2nd nun. She also had never had sex..She chose Robert Redford. He then asked the third Nun..She also had never had sex. He said who would you like? She said Bill Howell. He said Bill Howell..why Bill Howell? She said all my life, all I ever heard was screw Bill Howell

screw? man the censors are messing up my jokes :pat:

[muthstryker]

Ol Bill howell was on the Oprah Winfrey show..The topic of discussion is Ghosts..She asked anyone who believes in Ghosts please stand..about a third of the audience stood up. She said if anyone has ever seen a ghost, remain standing..all others sit down. About two thirds sat down. The she ask if anyone had ever talked to a ghost..That left only a handful of people. then she ask has anyone ever had sex with a ghost..Only Billy boy remained standing. She ran back to him and ask You mean you've had sex with a ghost?..Billy replied..Oh I thought you said Goat.

lol ^^ i think bob needs to get out of the retirement home he has to much time on his hands.

[kmcanally]

Lorainne Bobbit had a wreck..Police were taking her statement..She told them some dik cut her off

You heard that after she cut it off she threw it out the car window and it hit the windshield of an elderly couples car driving behind her. The old woman said to her husband "did you see the size of the **** on that bug?"

[kmcanally]

Two guys are out playing golf...the first guy tees up and slices hard to the right and then his buddy tees up and hooks hard to the left. The first guy finds his ball in a thick patch of butter cups and proceeds to wale away trying to hit his ball with butter cups flying everywhere when mother nature appears and she is pissed! She says "son you will never ever again have butter the rest of your life." He says so what as he finally hits his ball. Then he goes walking across the fairway looking for and calling out to his buddy when he hears him yell "I am over here in this patch of pu$$y willows" ...He yells back "DONT HIT THAT BALL!"

[Bob Johnson]

know the difference between a Dodge Viper and a porcupine? The pri*k is on the inside of the viper

[muthstryker]

lol thats a good one ^^

[Bob Johnson]

a precious little girl walked into a pet store and asked with a lisp. "excuthe me mithter, do you sell widdle wabbits?
The shopkeeper's heart melted, and he knelt down beside her and asked. "do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft bwack one?
The little girl replied, "I don't think my python gives a thit."

[toxicz28]

a precious little girl walked into a pet store and asked with a lisp. "excuthe me mithter, do you sell widdle wabbits?
The shopkeeper's heart melted, and he knelt down beside her and asked. "do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft bwack one?
The little girl replied, "I don't think my python gives a thit."
You "read" Playboy too, I see.

[Bob Johnson]

yeth

[Doug Cooper]

You "read" Playboy too, I see.

Who reads Playboy? I thought you looked at the pictures!

[toxicz28]

Who reads Playboy? I thought you looked at the pictures! Of course! And then you read the jokes on the backside of the centerfold.

[Damn True]

There's jokes in playboy?

[protour_chevelle]

Playboy does have some interesting reads....

-Matt

[formula]

playboy has words?

[6'9"Witha69]

playboy has words?Yes, they are 36D-24-36!

[68BNUT]

Yes, they are 36D-24-36!

Damn even white boys got to shout!!

[Foudie]

Don't know if anyone has heard this one...

President Bush and **** Cheney go to a little cafe down the street from the white house. The cute little waitress walks over and asks them what they would like for lunch. The Vice President orders a heart healthy turkey wrap. When it is the President's turn he pauses for a second while going over the menu one last time and says, "Well darlin' I think I am in the mood for a quickie." The waitress is shocked and says, " Mr. President I am ashamed of you! I voted for you and thought that you would be different, why, you are no better than the last President who would always hit on me." Well, Bush was bewildered. **** Cheney leaned over, looked at the President's menu and said, "Sir, that is pronounced "quiche".

[Bob Johnson]

what does a man and linoleum have in common..lay them right, and they can be walked on for years..

what does a Q ball and a Mexican have in common..the harder you hit em, the more English you get out of them

what does a brick and a fat woman have in common..sooner or later they will get laid by a mexican

[shmoov69]

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.

The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins"?

The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7.
Why? Do you think they look alike?"

"No", he replies "I just can't believe you got laid twice"!

[JoshStratton]

A guy from Tennessee passed away and left his entire
estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do you know when you're staying in a Tennessee hotel?
When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my
sink," and the clerk replies, "Go ahead."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How can you tell if a Tennessee redneck is married?
There's dried tobacco juice on BOTH sides of his
pickup truck.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking
age in Tennessee to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Tennessee?
Documentaries.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Where was the toothbrush invented?
Tennessee. If it had been invented anywhere else, it
would have been called a teeth brush.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Tennessee State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-64
and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?"
and the driver replies "Bout wut?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the $3 million Tennessee State Lottery?
(Come on- this is funny!)
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The governor's mansion in Tennessee burned down!
Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a
total loss, too.
Both books- POOF - up in flames and
he hadn't even finished coloring one of them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A new law was recently passed in Tennesee. When a couple
gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy walks into a bar in Tennessee and orders a mudslide.
The bartender looks at the man and says, "You ain't from
'round here are ye?
"No," replies the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania".
The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what do ye
do in Pennsylvania?"
"I'm a taxidermist," said the man.
The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, "What
in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?
"The man says,"I mount animals".
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar...
"It's okay boys, he's one of us!"

[F70t/a]

:rolleyes:

[F70t/a]

:doh:

[JoshStratton]

Yikes

[shmoov69]

David, you are quite twisted I must say!

[Bill Howell]

Last winter was extremely bad in North Ga. Every week, there would be a special report about moving your vehicle to the north or south side of the street for the snow plows to clear the roads. Every week, Bob Johnson would listen for that week's report then go move his car accordingly so the snow plows could clear his street. One night, just as the special report came on, before the reporter could say north or south side, the power went out. Bob asked his wife, Honey, what should I do. She, in her very gentle way looked up from her book and said, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time, Bob?"

[Bill Howell]

DUI - TENNESSEE STYLE

Only a person in TENNESSEE could think of this!

From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this absolutely true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Paris, Tennessee. Afterlast call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."


"I doubt it," said the truly proud Hillbilly. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[Bill Howell]

A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb 'blonde' joke?"
The bar immediately falls deathly quiet.
In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke,sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
One: The bartender is a blonde woman.
Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman.
Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional boxer.
Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Five: I'm a 6-foot, 200-pound blonde woman with a Ph.D., a black belt in karate, and I have a very bad attitude.
Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, then shakes his head and says: "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."