Just a funny:

[shmoov69]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died,
he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. 'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, 'but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars.'

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card
and three days later she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

[WS6]

not work safe because of a few words. Funny all the same.

http://www.wwtdd.com/post.phtml?pk=3359

[shmoov69]

I don't get it.....^^ Sorry!



The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a primary school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy". So the illustrious Rev Jackson asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."

No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

I'm afraid not," explains the exalted Reverend Al. "That's what we would call a great loss. " The room goes silent. No other children volunteered.

Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either.

[shmoov69]

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The i-Tit will cost $499 or $599 depending on cup size. This has been hailed as a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts, and never listening to them.

[shmoov69]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the bookkeeper:
"H e'll k ill you if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back:"OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney
replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers?

[WS6]

read the paragraph under the still frame

[bigvegan]

http://www.sickipedia.org (verbiage is probably NSFW depending on your workplace.)

Sick jokes from the UK.

Sample - "Benazir Bhutto stood up for human rights. She stood up to oppression. She stood up to dictatorship. But I bet the **** she wished she never stood up to wave."

[6'9"Witha69]

HELL

AS EXPLAINED BY A UW CHEMISTRY STUDENT





The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.


The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with some of his colleagues via the internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:



Bonus Question:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?


Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variantion thereof.



One student wrote the following:



First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.



Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.



This leaves us with two possibilities:

1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter it, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2) If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls entering it, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.



So which is it?



If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct.... leaving only Heaven, and thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting, "Oh my God! Oh my God!"

[shmoov69]

No political issues! JUST A COUPLE JOKES!!! Y'all hear me!?!??! (you know who you are!) LOL!:cheers:
Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' &
'My Life' by Bill Clinton.
One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition
that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool teacher gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:.... cost - $29.99
Clinton :..... cost - $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton :..... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :..... Bill is a bull**** artist.

Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton :..... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton :.... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton :..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:.. Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton :..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :..... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing


G. W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Clinton in his chair reached for the after shave.

Clinton was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Hillary will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.'

The second barber turned to Bush and said, 'How about you?'
Bush replied, 'Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.

[Bill Howell]

When OJ Dies

One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."


OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.


In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.


"No," OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."


The devil led him to the door of the next room.


In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.


"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented OJ.



The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.


OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."


The devil smiled and said . . . . . .




SCROLL DOWN








































"Ok, Monica , you're free to go."

[Bill Howell]

The Duck Hunter


A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on
the marsh when he decided to take a leak.... He
walked over to a tree and propped up his gun.
Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over,
and discharged... shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he
was approached by his doctor.

"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad
news. The good news is that you are going to be ok,
the damage was local to your groin, there was very
little internal damage, and we were able to remove
all of the buck shot. The bad news is that there was
some pretty extensive damage done to your (johnson). I'm
going to have to refer you to my brother."

"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the man
replied "is your brother a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly. " answered the doctor. "He's a
flute player in the local symphony....
He's going to teach you where to put your
fingers so you don't piss in your eye"

[Samckitt]

Presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Edwards were flying to a convention.

Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled, and said, "You know, I could throw a $1000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."

John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy."

[WS6]

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

5. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

[6'9"Witha69]

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

[shmoov69]

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish.
He was leavin' a cove well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'
'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'

'Pet fish?'

'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home.'

'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'

'OK', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'

'Well, what?', says the rednec k.

The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'

'Call who back?'

'The FISH', replied the warden!

'What fish?', replied the redneck.
...

Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.

[shmoov69]

Women Are Evil By Nature...
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender... "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

[jb@ridetech]

OLD CHICKEN VS. NEW CHICKEN

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old timer, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these hens.. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it! You are washed up and I am taking over.."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters go running by.

He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Damn....third gay rooster I bought this month."

[Samckitt]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.

What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general..and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little ***** on your knee!"

[6'9"Witha69]

FYI, there is a joke thread already. Lots of good stuff there.

https://www.pro-touring.com/forum/showthread.php?t=15446

[shmoov69]

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been
playing outside
with other kids for a while when he came into the* *house and asked
her,"Grandma, what's

that called when two people sleep in the same roomand one is on top of
the other?"



She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the
truth.



"It's called sexual intercourse, darling." Little Tony just said, "Oh,
OK," and went

back outside to play with the other kids.



A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't
called sexual
intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to
you."

[jb@ridetech]

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.'

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,

'New house, new madam.'

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought 'that's really not so bad.'

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, 'New house, new madam, new girls.'

The girls and the woman were a bit offended,

but then began to laugh about the situation,
Considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,


'Hi Keith'

[Kinred]

A Government study found the average American walks 900 miles a year

Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a
year.

That means, on average,
Americans get 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud to be an American

[Larry Callahan]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked
you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps
your radar gun needs calibrating'
Not looking up from her knitting his wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear,
you know this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and
growls, 'Can you please keep your mouth shut, just this once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar
detector went off when it did.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector
unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Dammit,
woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat
belt, sir. That' s an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off
when you pulled me over, so that I could get my license out of my back
pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat
belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
As the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to
his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk
to you this way, Ma'am?'
(I love this part....)

'Only when he's been drinking.'

[shmoov69]

Saturday Morning I Got Up Early, Dressed Quietly, Made My Lunch And Then Slipped Quietly Into The Garage To Hook The Boat Up To The Truck, And Proceeded To Back Out Into A Torrential Down Pour.

The Wind Was Blowing 50 Mph. I Pulled Back Into The Garage, Turned On The Radio, And Discovered That The Weather Would Be Bad Throughout The Day. I Went Back Into The House, Quietly Undressed, And Slipped Back Into Bed.

There I Cuddled Up To My Wife's Back, Now With A Different Anticipation And Whispered, 'the Weather Out There Is Terrible.'

My Loving Wife Of 20 Years Replied, 'can You Believe My Stupid Husband Is Out Fishing In That *****?'

I Still Don't Know If She Was Joking.

[shmoov69]

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes

After a few days they meet again…

The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you…then we made love all night long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't' say a word. We just had wild sex all night.'

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'

[shmoov69]

One day, long, long ago.......

there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch.

But this was a long time ago and it was just that one day.
The End

[Samckitt]

Why you shouldn't talk on your cel phone in public restrooms. (It is long, but worth reading).....

All in all, it hadn't been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over forty-eight hours since I'd last taken a dump. I'd tried to jump start the process, beginning my day with a bowl of bowel-cleansing fiber cereal, following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell. As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things would be happening soon. Alas, I had to stop at the mall to pick up an order. I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, "Everything Must Go!" This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go. I hurried to the mall bathroom. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have numbered 0 through 4 (I write a lot of software) for your convenience:

0.Occupied

1.Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it's next to the occupied one.

2.Poo on seat.

3.Poo and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat.

4.No toilet paper, no stall door, unidentifiable sticky object near base of toilet.

Clearly, it had to be Stall #1. I trudged back, entered, dropped trou and sat down. I'm normally a fairly Shameful $hitter. I wasn't happy about being next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot.

I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be. Out of Shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. $hitter was blathering to Mrs. $hitter about the $hitty day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My bowels let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn't get crapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier.


Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder in one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude -- a cross between the sound of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall. The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently.

-

Once my a$$cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became apparent: (1) The next-door conversation had ceased; (2) my colon's continued seizing indicated that there was more to come; and (3) the bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench.

It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way under the stall and began choking my poop-mate. This initial "herald" fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence.

"Oh my God," I heard him utter, following it with the suppressed sounds of choking, and then, "No, baby, that wasn't me (cough, gag), you could hear that (gag)??"

Next door I could hear fumbling with the paper dispenser as he desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made themselves heard over my anal symphony: "Gotta go... horrible... throw up... in my mouth.... not... make it... tell the kids... love them... oh God..." followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching.

-

Alas, it is evidently difficulty to hold one's phone and wipe one's bum at the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by a string of swear words and gags. My poop-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet.

After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage. I felt bad for the janitor who'd be forced to deal with this, but I knew that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with filth.

As I left, I glanced to the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know.

I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking around for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has manged to transfer my Shamefulness to my anonymous poop-mate. I think it'll be a long time before he can bring himself to poop in public -- and I doubt he'll ever again answer his cell phone in the lieu. And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in the bathroom.

[harshman]

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao: i got tears on that one.

[Samckitt]

By the way, that story 2 posts above is not personal experience of mine, it was sent to me.

[muthstryker]

Just read this in the saturday paper..

"Local Gas Stations are now going to start playing porn movies at the pump so you can watch someone get F^ck3D at the same time as you.. "

[subtlez28]

Samckitt, that was the funniest thing I have ever read!
Not often you can laugh so hard, for so long at a joke in text.
Well done!

[shmoov69]

Time to post this one up again! Too funny to let it pass too long!

> Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my
fancy.
> (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled. I had gone into the
Star
> Market to pick up some milk yesterday and I bought a superball in the
checkout
> line -- 50 cents.
>
> What a bargain! It tickled my fancy--still does.
>
> That thing bounces soooooo high, and it has provided me with hours of
> entertainment. It just doesn't get any better than that, now does it?)
>
> I'm so easily distracted.
>
> That dang superball is so much fun.
>
> So what were we talking about? Oh yeah, I bought
> something really cool at Larry's Pistol and Pawn last Saturday.
>
> The occasion was my 50th birthday and I was looking for a little something
extra
> cool. What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun
with a
> clip.
>
> For those of you who are not familiar with this
> product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed
to
> incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage
electricity
> while you flee to safety.
>
> The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
affect on
> your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety.
>
> You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the
button,
> and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching,
whimpering,
> pencil-neck geek.
>
> If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly
missing
> out--way too cool!
>
> Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
> home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn
> thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
>
> I was so disappointed.
>
> Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I
found much
> to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between
the
> prongs. How disappointing! I do love
> fire for effect.
>
> I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a
metal
> surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth
between
> the prongs that I was so looking forward to.
>
> I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!!
> Yipeeeeee . . . I'm easily amused.
>
> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't
> be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.
>
> There I sat in my recliner, my dog Molly looking on intently (trusting
little
> soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Molly), and thinking
that I
> really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target.
>
> I must admit I thought about zapping Molly for a fraction of a second and
> thought better of it. She is such a sweet doggy, after all.
>
> But, if I was going to use this thing to protect myself against a mugger,
I did
> want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
>
> Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed
> reasonable to me at the time . So, there I sat in a
> pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately
on the
> bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another.
>
> The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
> assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
loss of
> bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant
flop
> on the ground like a fish out of water.
>
> All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long,
less
> than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two
itsy,
> bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no bloody way!"
>
>
> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
Those of
> you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed.
>
> I'm sitting there alone, Molly looking on with her head ****ed to one side
as to
> say, "don't do it daddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a
tiny
> lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under
the
> circumstances, wouldn't you agree?).
>
> I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it.
(Note: You
> know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so
obvious
> that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right
at the
> time. Don't ya hate that?)
>
> I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and Holy
> F**king Chit! ****!!!
>
> I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked
me up
> out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over
again.
>
> I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
> position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
> found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
> position.
>
> Molly was standing over me making whimpering sounds I had never heard
before,
> licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again daddy, do
it
> again!"
>
> (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note
of
> caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself.
>
> You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
hand by
> a violent thrashing
> about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the
prongs
> 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)
>
> SON-OF-A-B $% *H that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as
time
> was a relative thing at this
> point), I collected my wits (what little I had left),
> sat up and surveyed the landscape.
>
> My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get
> there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My
face
> felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88
lbs.
> +/- an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.
>
> By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm
offering a
> reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must
say so
> myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.

[Samckitt]

Samckitt, that was the funniest thing I have ever read!
Not often you can laugh so hard, for so long at a joke in text.
Well done!

Someone sent it to me & I thought it was hillarious too. So I had to share it.

[Samckitt]

Your Tax Incentive Rebate:

The federal government is sending each and every one of us around $600 rebate. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs. If we purchase a computer it will go to India If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala . If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan ...and none of it will help the American economy. The only way to keep that money here at home is to buy prostitutes, weed, beer, and tattoos, since these are the only products still produced in the USA. Thank you for your help & please support the USA.

[danbob67]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one."

[shmoov69]

LOL! Good one!

[shmoov69]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual
gimmick. His wife
Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day
John came home
with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John
claimed was
actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son,
returned home
from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?'
asked John.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit
project,' said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking
him completely
out of his chair.

'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where
you really were
after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking
him off his
chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry
I lied. We
really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never
lied to my
parents.'

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that
nearly knocked
him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did
you ever ask
for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your
son!'

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked
her out of
her chair.

[dogtag]

So while trying out for the Olympic track team, Oly makes his way out onto the field and sits down on a bench to wait his turn....along comes the German and sits down and looks over at Oly and says, in a heavy accent, "Are you a Pole Vaulter"?
Oly calmley says, "No I'm a Sveed and my names not Valter".

DT

[Samckitt]

So while trying out for the Olympic track team, Oly makes his way out onto the field and sits down on a bench to wait his turn....along comes the German and sits down and looks over at Oly and says, in a heavy accent, "Are you a Pole Vaulter"?
Oly calmley says, "No I'm a Sveed and my names not Valter".

DT
Ha ha, took me a minute to get that one.....:confused:

[Samckitt]

This was sent to me, thought I would share.

I don't know who this woman is, but I bet she knows some of you....

https://static1.pt-content.com/images/noimg.gif

[Van B]

This was sent to me, thought I would share.

I don't know who this woman is, but I bet she knows some of you....

https://static1.pt-content.com/images/noimg.gif

Where did you find a picture of my ex gf?:rotfl:

[Chad-1stGen]

Jo

'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never
lied to my
parents.'

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that
nearly knocked
him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did
you ever ask
for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your
son!'

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked
her out of
her chair.

Ok I saw the dad slap coming. The mom slap was funney lol.

[shmoov69]

Boudreaux was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
The doctor said "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost 5 pounds."
When Boudreaux returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 6o lbs
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
Boudreaux nodded. “I'll tell you though, I thought I wuz gonna drop dead on dat 3rd day."
"From the hunger, you mean?', asked the doctor.
"Hell no, it wuz from all dat damn skippin.” replied Boudreaux.

[Samckitt]

1. If You're Choking On An Ice Cube, Simply Pour A Cup Of Boiling Water
Down Your Throat. Presto! The Blockage Will Instantly Remove Itself.

2. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone
Else To Hold The Vegetables While You Chop.

3. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat By
Using The Sink.

4. For High Blood Pressure Sufferers ~ Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed For
A Few Minutes, Thus Reducing The Pressure On Your Veins. Remember To Use
A Timer.

5. A Mouse Trap Placed On Top Of Your Alarm Clock Will Prevent You From
Rolling Over And Going Back To Sleep After You Hit The Snooze Button.

6. If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. Then You'll
Be Afraid To Cough.

7. You Only Need Two Tools In Life - Wd-40 And Duct Tape. If It Doesn't
Move And Should, Use The Wd-40. If It Shouldn't Move And Does, Use The
Duct Tape.

8. Remember - Everyone Seems Normal.....until You Get To Know Them.

9. If You Can't Fix It With A Hammer, You've Got An Electrical Problem.

Daily Thought:

Some People Are Like Slinkies - Not Really Good For Anything But They
Bring A Smile To Your Face When Pushed Down The Stairs.

[Samckitt]

Best headache joke ever:

BEST "HEADACHE" JOKE EVER!!!!!
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."

"Perfect," her husband said." I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin.

You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you."

[WS6]

good ones Scott.

[danbob67]

hillbilly bob was having sex with his sister when she begins to laugh he says whats funny she says you screw like your daddy he says I know mom told me already.

[shmoov69]

Eeeeewwwww.....

[CHRIS67]

Short dirty one:

What is the difference between pink and purple?



The strength of her grip.



:bsjerk:

[Samckitt]

Short dirty one:

What is the difference between pink and purple?



The strength of her grip.



:bsjerk:

DOH!

[Samckitt]

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know crap?'

[shmoov69]

A cowboy and his wife had just been married and went to a hotel for their honeymoon.

The man went to the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'This here's a very special ocasion...our weddin' night, and we need a good room with a strong bed.'

The clerk winked and asked, 'Do you want the Bridal?'

The Cowboy thought about it a while and then replied,

'No, I guess not. I'll just hold on to her ears until she gets used to it.'

[shmoov69]

I've often been asked, "what do you old guys do now that you're retired?"

Well, I have a friend who has a chemical background and one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer, bourbon, scotch and martinis into urine.

And, we're pretty damn good at it!!"

[shmoov69]

One dark night outside of Westlake, a small town in Louisiana, a
>>fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an
>>eye it exploded into massive flames.
>>
>>The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
>>
>>
>>When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the
>>chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said,
>>'All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the
>plant.
>>They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that
>>brings them out intact.'
>>
>>But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
>>Soon more fire
>>
>>departments had to be called in as the situation became
>>desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that
>>the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could
>>bring out the company's secret files.
>>
>>From a distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck
>>came into sight. It was the nearby Cajun Hackberry Rural Township
>>Volunteer Fire Company, composed mainly of Cajuns
>>over the age of 65.
>>
>>To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared
>>right
>>past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.
>>Without even slowing down, it drove straight into the middle of the
>>inferno.
>>
>>Outside, the other firemen watched as the Hackberry old timers
>jumped
>>off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all
>sides..
>>It was a
>>performance and effort never seen before.
>>
>>Within a short time, the Cajun old timers had extinguished the
>>fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical
>>company president announced that for such a superhuman feat
>>he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to
>>personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
>>
>>The local KPLC TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on
>>film, asking the chief, 'What are you going to do with all that
>>money?'
>>
>>'Whall,' said Boudreaux, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'Da first ting
>>we gonna do is fix dem brakes on dat damn truck!'

[danbob67]

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing
alone. She approached him.

'My name is Carmen,' she told him.

'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'

'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most
- cars and men.'

'What's your name?' she asked.

He said, 'B. J. Titsengolf'

[shmoov69]

Everyone is in a hurry to scream 'racism' these days! A customer asked 'In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?' The clerk looks at him and says, 'Are you Polish?' The guy (clearly offended) says, 'Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something.' 'If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?' 'Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?' 'Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?' 'Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican?'

'Would you? Would you?'

The clerk says, 'Well, no!''

If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?'

'Well, I probably wouldn't!'

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, 'Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?'

The clerk replies, 'Because you're in Home Depot.'

[SaturnVUEguy]

shmoov69, that is great!

[minendrews68]

OK here goes...
80 year old man walks into a sperm donor clinic and says, " I'm here to make a deposit". The nurses all look at each other and tries desperately to hide the giggles and smiles, when the head nurse says to the others, " Oh, let's humor the old fella and give him a cup".
So one of the nurses hands the elderly gentleman a speciman cup and directs him to the nearest empty room.
After about twenty minutes the elderly man comes out and heads back up to the nurses station with his empty cup.
" Having a little problem"? one of the nurses asks him.
"Well,.....I'll tell ya', I've beat it with my left hand, then I beat it with my right hand, I even beat it against the wall, and I still can't get the lid off this &^** cup"!!!!!.

[minendrews68]

Then there was the League of Women Convention where women from all over the world came to tell how their lives had changed since they laid down some rules for their husbands. Here are just a few of the women's stories.
Woman from Texas starts out: "I told my husband Henry that until things changed at home with him helping out with the chores and such there was to be no more sex".
" What happened" the host said
"well, after the first day I saw absolutely no change in his ways",
"After the second day I started noticing he was picking up his dirty laundry and putting it in the dirty clothes hamper".
"After the third day he was more than eager to help me with whatever I needed him to do".

At this point the other women were all clapping and yelling.

The next woman was from Germany " I told my husband the same thing, I told him I was not cooking for him, I was not going to clean house, until he noticed me for who I was and not his live in slave".
Again the other women were applauding and cheering
" And what happened to you"? asked the hostess
"Well, after the first and second day I saw nothing, there he was the same selfish man expecting me to do whatever he said".
"but after the fourth day I started seeing a change in him, he was starting to notice me more and being really pleasant".
"After about a week I had him eating out of my hand"!
You guessd it the women went wild, clapping, cheering, yelling...
Next a woman from Louisana got up:

" I did the same thing too", she said. I tol my Thibideaux, I am not washing your stinking, smelly clothes no more, If you don't start noticing me and treating me like a woman"!
" I'm not going to clean your house, I'm not going to clean and cook you crawfish, I'm not going to check your beaver traps no more, and I ain't goin' to do anything else you say until you change your ways"!

By this time the women were standing in their chairs clapping, Yelling, holding up their arms and cheering wildly.

"Tell us, Tell us what happened next", the hostess yelled.

" Well, after the first day I did not see nothing", " After the second day I still did not see nothing", "But by the third day I could see just a little out of my left eye"!!!!

[6'9"Witha69]

Application for Permission to Date My Daughter

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement,
job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH______________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_______________

SIN #_____________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #___________________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/PROV______________________

AREA CODE _____________

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: __________________________________________________ ___________
__________________________________________________ _______________________

Number of years they have been married ____________

If less than your age, explain:
__________________________________________________ ______________________

__________________________________________________ ______________________


ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van?&nb sp; __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? &nb sp; __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)


ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or les s, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

__________________________________________________ ____________________

__________________________________________________ ____________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?

__________________________________________________ ____________________

__________________________________________________ ____________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

__________________________________________________ ____________________

__________________________________________________ ____________________


REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend __________________________________________________ _____

How often you attend __________________________________________________ ___

When would be the best time to interview your:

Father? _____________

Mother? _____________

Pastor? _____________


SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

__________________________________________________ _____________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

__________________________________________________ ____________________

C: A woman's place is in the:

__________________________________________________ _____________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

__________________________________________________ ____________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? __________________________________

_________________________________________________ _____________________

__________________________________________________ ____________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

__________________________________________________ ____________________

F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, AND/OR RED HOT POKERS.


__________________________________________________ _______
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)


____________________________ ___ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi Commissioner of Oaths

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine an d non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since
you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be
notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)

To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.

[6'9"Witha69]

Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy):

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them..

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I pr opose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I req uire from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take l onger than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my d aughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[shmoov69]

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.





Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck...................................

[Yelcamino]

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.





Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck...................................

:lol: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

[shmoov69]

A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.
The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some ******* wants to buy half a head of lettuce.'

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added,
'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half ! '

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.


Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that
situation Albert. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?''

Canada,sir,' the boy replied.

'Well, why did you leave Canada?' the manager asked.

The boy said 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.'

'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada.'

'No ****?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'

[shmoov69]

Young Dave moved to Maine and bought a
Donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the
Donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but
I have some bad news, the donkey died.'

Dave replied,
'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said,
'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Dave said,
'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked,
'What ya gonna do with him?

Dave said,
'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said,
?You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Dave said,
'Sure I can Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with
Dave and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Dave said,
'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a
profit of $998.00.'

The farmer said,
'Didn't anyone complain?'

Dave said,
'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Dave now works for the government.

[shmoov69]

A couple had two little boy’s ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous.
They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any
mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved. The boys’
mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining
children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The clergyman agreed, but asked to see the boys individually. So the
mother sent her 8-year-old in first that morning, with the older boy to see the
clergyman in that afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice sat
the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?” The boy’s mouth
dropped open but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open,
wide eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an ever sterner tone,
“Where is God!!?”
Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even
more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “WHERE IS GOD?!!”
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and
dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What
happened?”
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “WE are in BIG trouble this
time, dude.”, God is missing and they think WE DID IT!!”

[shmoov69]

Recently I was asked to play in a golf outing.
At first I said, 'Naaahhh....'
Then they said to me, 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids.'
Then I thought.......... **** -- I could win this thing!!!

[WS6]

haha great ones Jimmy.

[bigvegan]

That Lifeline joke is funny as hell!

(Especially since I actually volunteer there in my spare time. Please note, all our call centers are in fact domestic. We'll do our best to help you get things sorted out, and/or get you referrals in your area to help you need. 1-800-Suicide or 1-877-7CRISIS.)

In keeping with the theme...

An Aussie fella is driving home when he sees his mistress about to jump off the bridge. He winds down the window on his ute and calls to her.

"Oi Shelia! What the bloody hell do you think you're doing?!"

Tears streaming down her face, Shelia shouts back "I'm pregnant Bruce, and it's your baby! I know you're never going to leave your wife, so I'm going to do myself in."

Bruce thinks about this for a moment before composing himself. "Bloody hell Sheel, not only were you a great shag... you're also a damn good sport"

(courtesy of sickipedia.org)

[WS6]

thanks for the sick joke wiki vegan. I'm dying over here

[bigvegan]

You're welcome WS6.

It's brought to you by the fun folks at b3ta.org. If you like British humor, their weekly newsletter's quite a treat.

[fatblockford]

Ran into a guy at the shop that I hadn't seen in a while. Somehow we got to talking about this past Christmas. When I asked him what he got , he replied a pair of socks and a piece of azz but they both were 2 sizes to big.



Also why don't they let Helen Keller drive?

Duh, cause she's a woman.

[fatblockford]

Last week a baby boy was born with no eye lids. The Dr's didn't know what to do. They just kept his eyes moist with drops. The next day a nurse had an idea. When we circumcise him we can use the foreskin to make him some eye lids. Everything went well, however after a weeks worth of tests they determined the boy to be **** eyed. :screwy:


Here's one from my 3rd grade daughter.

How do you get an elephant in a mailbox?


Take the "a" out of "cat" and the "f" out of "way'.
Get it there ain't no f 'n way.

[bigvegan]

Why didn't Helen Keller enjoy her trip to the zoo?

She couldn't see or hear any of the animals.

[bigvegan]

https://static1.pt-content.com/images/noimg.gif

From - www.truckerfun.com

[shmoov69]

After being married for 48 years, I took a careful look at my wife
one day and said,
'Honey, 48 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 24-year-old gal.
Now I have a $400,000.00 home, two Cadillacs, nice big bed and
flat screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 71-year-old woman. It seems to
me that you're not holding up your side of things.'

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a
hot 24-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again
be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis...

[shmoov69]

Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to
confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Herb that she
suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old. He
stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much.

However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that
the had a deformity too. Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said 'I too have a
problem. My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal
with that once we are married.'

She said, 'Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size
winky ."

' Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Herb
whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching and teasing,
holding one another.

As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out of
the room! Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.


She said, 'You told me your winky was the size of an infant!'

"Yes, it is.... 7 pounds, 8 ounces, 19 inches long!"

[SaturnVUEguy]

oh dang shmoov! I'm trying not to laugh out loud here at work

[shmoov69]

I thought it was pretty funny! LOL!

[Samckitt]

A DANG FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and she was somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"

And the husband replied, "Hang on just a minute, love, so at least I can tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed," but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same."

The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

[shmoov69]

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must NOT get even a drop of pain on thier habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off thier habits and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it??" call one of the nuns.
"Blind man" replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and decide that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, so they opend the door.
"Nice boobs babe!" says the man, "where do you want these blinds??"

[WS6]

hahaha you're going to hell for that one hahaha










ok only kidding. That was good.

[6'9"Witha69]

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

[shmoov69]

Lol !

[shmoov69]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart and
the husband picks up a case of Budweiser and put it in their
shopping cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks
the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24
cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford
them,' demands the wife. So he does and they carry on
shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman
picks up a $20 jar of face cream and put it in the shopping
cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the
husband.
'Its my face cream. It makes me look
beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of
Budweiser and its half the price.

[Roger M]

:lol: LoL. very good!

[shmoov69]

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a
sheer negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250
to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price.
Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500,
and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her
to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy-), 'I have
an idea.. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I
won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked,
return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for
myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The
husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500,
they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.

[BADNBLK]

:lmao:

[shmoov69]

A cabbie picks up a
Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab
driver won't
stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.


He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend
you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old
as I am and
have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and

hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or

ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy
to ha ve a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do
about that: #1, you have to
be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'


The cab driver is very excited and says,'Yes, I'm single and
Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The
nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.


But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.


'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive
me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and
I'm
Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a
Halloween
party.'

[shmoov69]

I will seek and find you
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm
finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.








All my love,
*The Flu*


Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!

[shmoov69]

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the
end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.

You've done very well so far,' said, Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, 'but
for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?'

'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!'

'Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?'

A: Sparrow

B: Thrush

C: Magpie

D: Cuckoo

I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me
friend Paddy back home in Dublin '. Mick called up his mate, and told him the
circumstances and repeated the question to him.

'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo.'

'Are you sure?'

'I'm fookin sure.'

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, 'I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.'

'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris 'Dat it is, Sir.'

There was a long - long pause, then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the
correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't
build it's own nest?



'Because he lives in a Fookin clock!'

[WS6]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1piuJzS7H-4

wow!

[shmoov69]

Heard it a long time ago.
But still think DOOH!!!

[qnitro]

I'll go next:

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence. We both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"

The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident.

See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, Id like two tickets to Pittsburgh, I accidentally said Id like two pickets to Tittsburgh., so she socked me a good one."

The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.

But I accidentally said, "You've ruined my life, you evil, self-centered, fat-assed biotch."

ROFL...

[WS6]

HI! My name is Trey and I can't read the other posts on this page so I decided I'd do a repost.

[shmoov69]

C'mon Trey......Look 6 post's up!! LOL!:slap:

[WS6]

holy crap! DOH! I can't believe I missed that. Must have been one of those days I was actually paying attention to school work.

[shmoov69]

Lol!

[WS6]

Two Garbage Bags
>
> A little old lady is walking down the street dragging
> two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once
> in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman
> stops her, and says, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.'
> 'Oh, really? Darn!' says the little old lady. 'I'd
> better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me..'
>
> 'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you
> get all that money?' 'You didn't steal it, did you?'
>
> 'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back
> yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of
> fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind
> the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through
> the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes.'
>
> 'Well, that seems only fair.' laughs the cop. OK? Good
> luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?'
>
> 'Well, you know', says the little old lady, 'not
> everybody pays

[shmoov69]

Daylight savings logic:

When told the reason for daylight savings time an old Indian said...

'Only a white man would believe that you could cut a foot off the top of a blanket and sew it

to the bottom of a blanket and have a longer blanket.'

[shmoov69]

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant
and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.
He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and, until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

[shmoov69]

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the
preacher's hand. He said 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a da*ned fine
sermon. Da*ned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so da*ned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No s**t?'

[shmoov69]

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied . 'The rest are for your father.

[shmoov69]

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.. .

Today you voted.'

[shmoov69]

A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when thewife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. 'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.
'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

[silverz28]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
‘Nurse‘, he mumbles, from behind the mask. ‘Are my testicles black?
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, ‘I don‘t know, Sir, I‘m only here to wash your upper body and feet.‘
He struggles to ask again, ‘Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?‘
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, ‘There‘s nothing wrong with them, Sir!‘
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
‘Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k‘?

[shmoov69]

Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat.



He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here - try these on'.'

She did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.'



I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.

' Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.

'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.



On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on'



She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'



Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.

I Don't want you to ever forget that.'



Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here- you try on mine.'

He did and said, 'I can't get into your panties.'



Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will!

[shmoov69]

HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN:

Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Pray with her. Pray for her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her.
Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.


************************************************** *******************

..HOW TO TREAT A MAN:

Show up naked. Bring chicken wings. Don't block the TV.

[shmoov69]

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel

the madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, 'go
up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are
so old and drunk, i'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.' the manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.
As they are walking home the first man says, you know, i think my girl was dead!'

'dead?' says his friend, 'why do you say that?' 'well, she never moved or made a sound all the time i was loving her.' his friend says, 'could be worse i think mine was a witch.' 'a witch ??. . Why the hell would you say that?' 'well, i was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and i gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window .. Took my teeth with her!'

[shmoov69]

She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, Wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'you've got to make love to me this very moment.'

My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her 'T' shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.

[shmoov69]

Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed
the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the
truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on
the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the
day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 20 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that crap?'

I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I've stopped
fishing.

[shmoov69]

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a
couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he
sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He
immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and
gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window . 'Uh , yes, Officer?'

The cop says: 'What are you doing?'

The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.'

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says:
'And her, what is she doing?'

The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover
sweater.'

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at
night in a Lover's lane ... and nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks: 'What's your age, young man?'

The young man says : 'I'm 22, sir.'

T he cop asks: 'And her ... what's her age?'

The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11
minutes.'

[WS6]

haha that's bad.

[WS6]

had to put this here

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UK4b5l46B0o&feature=related

ooo wee knot

[silverz28]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NgAgRBZla28

[shmoov69]

A small boy wrote to Santa Claus:

Dear Santa,
Please send me a baby brother.








Santa wrote back:

"Send me your mother..."

[shmoov69]

I became confused when I heard these terms which reference the word 'service.'

Internal Revenue 'Service'

U.S. Postal 'Service'

Telephone 'Service'

Cable TV 'Service'

City & County Public 'Service'

Customer 'Service'

and 'Service' Stations

This is not what I thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, snd one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows. BAM! It all came into perspective. I now understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us. I hope you are as enlightened as I am now.

[1badchevelle]

THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me... It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door, opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord... and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:


Always keep your condoms in your car.

[shmoov69]

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

The thin one leaned over and Said, 'Life is so boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10 I'd take my clothes off And streak through that stupid flower show!'



'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a $10 bill. The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, Completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) Through the front door of the flower show.



Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, Followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked Old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.



'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.



'I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement.

[silverz28]

Wilma and her husband Barney go to church every Sunday, and during the service Barney falls asleep.
One afternoon Wilma goes to the priest and asks what she can do.

The priest hands her a needle and tells her to poke him with it everytime he falls asleep.

The next week at church Barney falls asleep while the priest is talking and when the priest asks who is our savior?

Wilma pokes him with the needle and he yells out JESUS!!Soon after that he goes back to sleep.

The next question the priest asks is: Who is Jesus's Father? Wilma pokes him with the needle and Barney yells out GOD!!and goes back to sleep.

The last question the priest asks is what did Eve say to Adam after he impregnated her for the 99th time?

Wilma pokes him with the needle again and he yells:

IF YOU POKE THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!!

[6'9"Witha69]

An old country farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night she was always complaining about something.

The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife
brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again... Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head.

Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd...
When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'

'And what about the men?' the minister asked.

'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'

[WS6]

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.

She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake.

To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.

You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing.

You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.

I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING)

[shmoov69]

Lol!

[WS6]

Follow the linky

http://www.27bslash6.com/strata.html

Watch out for the birdie if you're at work.

[muthstryker]

haha, had a nice laugh.

[WS6]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes !," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

[WS6]

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to and says, 'How's the singing career going?'

Stevie replies, 'Not too bad. How's the golf?'

Woods replies, 'Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now.'

Stevie says, 'I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.'

Tiger says, 'You play GOLF?'

Stevie says, 'Yes, I've been playing for years'.

Tiger says, 'But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?'

Stevie Wonder replies, 'Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.'

'But, how do you putt?' asks Tiger

'Well', says Stevie, 'I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.'

Tiger asks, 'What's your handicap?'

Stevie says, 'Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer.'

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, 'We've got to play a round sometime.'

Stevie replies, 'Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. That a problem?'

Woods thinks about it and says, ' I can afford that, OK, I'm game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?'

Stevie Wonder says, 'Pick a night'

[WS6]

I love this stuff.

NWS
http://thisisphotobomb.com/

[86Cutlass383SR]

Business is Business ...

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town.
Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex," she said.
The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +


To Be 6 Again...
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear,
what was it like being six again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Anger Management Therapy

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it
out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don't know, but you know deserves it.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying 'Hello.' I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an a&&hole!'
and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'a&&hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an a&&hole!' It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my theraputic 'a&&hole'
calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?' He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an a&&hole!'
and hung up.

One day I was at the store , getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first a&&hole (I had his
number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW a&&hole, too.

I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?' He said, 'Yes, it is.' I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?' He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, In Fairfax' It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front. I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen,' I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?' He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.

'I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?' He said, 'Yes?' I said, 'Don, you're an a&&hole !' Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two a&&holes to call.

Then I came up with an idea...

I called a&&hole #1. He said, 'Hello.' I said, 'You're an a&&hole!' (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, 'Are you still there?' I said, 'Yeah!' He screamed, 'Stop calling me,' I said, 'Make me,' He asked, 'Who are you?' I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.' He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said, 'A&&hole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , a yellow ranch
style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.'! He said , 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.' I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, a&&hole,' and hung up.

Then I called A&&hole #2.

He said, 'Hello?' I said, 'Hello, a&&hole,' He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...' I said, 'You'll what?' He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your a&&,'
I answered, 'Well, a&&hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax .

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in
time to watch two a&&holes beating the crap out of each other in front of
six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

This anger management stuff works great

[bigvegan]

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/jax/1164383626.html

best of craigslist > jacksonville > girlfriend forcing sale
Originally Posted: Sun, 10 May 21:37 EDT
girlfriend forcing sale
Date: 2009-05-10, 9:37PM EDT


Girlfriend said she is tired of my mustang parts and I need to make a craigslist ad...so here is it

for sale

1 nagging dream smashing man hater

make an offer or look in the free section if she keeps it up and gets kicked to the curb



* Location: saint augustine
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1164383626

* Copyright © 2009 craigslist, inc.
* terms of use
* privacy policy
* feedback forum

[WS6]

http://www.helenkellersimulator.com/

[shmoov69]

ROFLMAO!! You are going to burn up for that!!

Although, it took me about 20 seconds!

[WS6]

lol, I know. I got it almost instantly and died laughing.

[Larry Callahan]

Ever watch Sesame Street? LOL!

hUeN6LZNPVQ

[1badchevelle]

Good one Larry......

[shmoov69]

The Penis
Study




In 1997, Harvard funded
a study to see why the head of a penis was bigger than the rest of
it. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason
the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure
during sex.

After
the U.S. Published the study, Sweden decided to do their own.
After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the
reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.


Poland,
unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2
weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep
a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

[6'9"Witha69]

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.' Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.'

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.'

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, 'My bike.'

[WS6]

Last week I checked into my hotel in Tampa and was a bit lonely. I thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture!

I figured, what the heck, give her a call. "Hello," the woman says . God, she sounded sexy.

Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and Id like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?"

"That sounds fantastic," she says, "but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

[shmoov69]

Roflmao!!!!

[WS6]

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....Of course, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh.....yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'

'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!' 'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.


'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have s*x with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop s*x, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'NO KIDDING,' He said. 'Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?

[6'9"Witha69]

:rofl:

[smooth68]

A lady takes her pet schnauzer to the vet because it is having trouble with keeping its balance and has been bumping into walls....

The vet takes a look at the dog and as he is looking into the dogs ears says " ahhh I see the trouble, your dog has an ear infection that is being caused by the hair growing into the ear canal....This can easily be fixed, just go to your local pharmacy, pick up some cottonballs and Nair hair remover....Put some of the hair remover onto the cottonballs and put them into your dogs ears, repeat until the hair is gone and the infection will clear up!

The lady thanks him and leaves...As she enters the phamacy she stops a pharmacist and asks him where the hair removal cream is...

He kindly walks her to the hair removal products and tells her that he really does not recommend using this product because it causes his girlfriends legs to dry out badly and cuases snags in her pantyhose...she tells him she does not need it for her legs....He then tells her that she should not use this stuff for arm pit hair either because it causes severe chapping and skin rash there!
She then tells the pharmacist..." Listen sir I dont need it for my legs or my armpits, I need it for my schnauzer!....He looks at her and says "Lady if you put that stuff on your schnauzer you wont be able to ride a bike for weeks!!!

[6'9"Witha69]

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor. The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared....

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WAL-MART!'

[6'9"Witha69]

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise'.

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'

The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'

'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck'.

[6'9"Witha69]

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding...

Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.

He tried a fourth time with the same result.

He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace...

Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat
belt...

[6'9"Witha69]

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, 'We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings '

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully,

'We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings ...'

The bear, very angry now, says, 'If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.'

The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve beer to Belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings '

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, 'Sorry, but we especially don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs.'

The bear looks at him quizzically and says, 'I'm not on drugs.'

The bartender says, 'You are now. That was a barbitchyouate'

[WS6]

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night
with the tip of her index finger shot off.

'How did this happen?' the emergency room
doctor asked her.

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde
replied.

'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to
commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'

'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the
gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000 for these implants.
I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'

'So then?' asked the doctor.

'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I
just paid $3,000 to get my teeth straightened I'm not
shooting myself in the mouth.'

'So then?'

'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This
is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my
other ear before I pulled the trigger.

[WS6]

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the
matter?'

The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone
call saying that my mother had passed away.'

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't
you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and
rest.'

'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep
my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that
here.'

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A
couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the
blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde
crying hysterically.

'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he
asks.

'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a
horrible call from my sister. Her mother died,
too!

[m6z]

So the judge says to mickey mouse " you want a divorce 'cause your wife is silly?"

Mickey: " I didnt say she was silly, I said she f---ing goofy."

good one.

[WS6]

I found this highly amusing.

http://cleveland.craigslist.org/mis/1351031870.html

copied for posterity

First off I want to relieve your fears that you probably don't or at least I hope you don't have AIDS.

When I came home 3 days ago I heard what was obviously mediocre sex going on in my bedroom. Since I quickly made the deduction that someone had probably not broken into my apartment for some quick copulation I figured I had just caught my wife cheating on me which I had long suspected. Your ofish grunts were so loud that I actually had to reopen the door and slam it again for you two to hear me. I stood in the entry for a while as I heard you both scramble before calling out that I was home.

When I walked into the bedroom my wife had some excuse about having a headache and when asked about the nighty she was wearing she said it was the most comfortable thing she could find. Oh...and btw, I don't know how many affairs that you participate in but a word of advice is that when you hide in the closest from an angry husbands you shouldn't leave a few toes hanging out from under the door. At this point I am in a bit of a predicament.... I could have the typical masculine response and open the door and beat the piss out of you but then you might file charges and quite frankly I just don't really care enough. Not to mention I don't know how big you are and I couldn't think of anything much worse than finding your wife cheating on you and then get pummeled by her new lover. It entered my mind to have some marathon sex and make you stand and watch the whole thing but seeing how she is a dirty whore the idea grossed me out a little. I came pretty close to just hanging out and masterbating but I am glad I went the direction I did.

So in liue of those options I thought of the funniest thing I could do for my own personal amusement. I sat her down on the bed and looked deeply in her eyes and told her that I had been diagnosed with early stages of AIDS. Recently I have had a series of colds and went to the doctor who told me it was probably just a string of bad luck and it was going around a little bit. The whole thing took about 2 hours and involved a lot of yelling, accusing and crying.

I felt like I hadn't punished you quite enough, even though I fully acknowledge that it really isn't your fault at all, so I told her that the illness was making me tired so I needed to lay down. I could hear her on the phone making an appointment with the doctor and I could hear you rustling around in the closest. You did a great job holding still seeing how you probably aren't used to standing in a 3'x4' closest for hours and hours on end but if I hadn't already known you were there you would have been caught for sure.

After about another hour of laying in bed thinking of what I was going to do I felt sorry for you to be mixed up in this crazy thing so I said I was going to go fill the prescriptions the doctor gave me and left the apartment so you could leave. I hope that you weren't too uncomfortable in there and actually felt a little guilty about it later.

Anyways, I put this in missed connections because I actually wouldn't mind taking you out and buying you a drink. After all that is some funny stuff to laugh about and you are saving me thousands in alimony since my wife cheated and the least I can do is repay you for a $4.00 beer.

Again no hard feelings and best of luck!

BTW, you might still want to get your self tested since my wife is a dirty whore.

[Damn True]

So the other day I'm on my way to work and I see a Volvo C-30.

https://static1.pt-content.com/images/noimg.gif

They aren't fast, but are kinda cool little cars. This one had some nice aftermarket wheels on it, lowered a bit. It looked good.

As I pull alongside I notice a yellow, shield shaped decal on the front quarter with a prancing animal. Right away, I'm thinking "That idiot put a Scuderia Ferrari Cavallo decal on his Volvo! Bwahahahahahahah!"

Oh contraire.....

https://static1.pt-content.com/images/pt/2009/09/2423639845_247575624b-1.jpg

I snorted coffee all over my dash. Had to roll down my window and tell the guy how freakin funny it was.

Bravo my friend, bravo!

[6'9"Witha69]

Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road.

They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read:

'Da End be Near
Turn Yo Sef 'Roun Now
Afore It Be Too Late!'

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You religious nuts!'
From the curve they heard screeching tires, and a big splash...
Boudreaux turns to Thibodaux and asks, 'Do ya tink maybe da sign should jussay.....'Bridge Out?'

[Damn True]

luVjkTEIoJc

[6'9"Witha69]

Buahahahahha!

[6'9"Witha69]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!'

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night' She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'

John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, ' John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary .'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

[6'9"Witha69]

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife,
'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:
BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets,
BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,
BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

'From now on when I say BELL 1'
I want you to strip naked.
When I say BELL 2’
I want you to jump in bed.
And when I say BELL 3’
We are going to make love all night.

The next night he came home from work and yelled'
BELL 1!'
The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled 'BELL 2!'
The wife jumped into bed.

When he yelled 'BELL 3!'
They began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!'

What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband?

'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied 'YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'

[Pro Stock]

What do you call a Somalian with a yeast infection ?

: A Quarter Pounder with cheese

[Roger M]

A young man moved from his parents' home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.
How can you think that the best par t of my body is my ears?'
Clearing his throat, he stammered ..... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me..'

[WS6]

lol, LOVE IT!

[shmoov69]

Lmao! I'm all hot and bothered now!
Good one!

[6'9"Witha69]

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location..

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish... on any land, no questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, excuses himself, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs, "Your badge! Show him your badge!"

[6'9"Witha69]

http://crass.on.ru/flash/aaa-1.html

[6'9"Witha69]

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my MD because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

[John Wright]

Only a Farm Kid...

When you're from the country ~ you look at things a
little differently...

A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and
knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door "Is your Dad
home?" the rancher asked.



"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into
town."

"Well," said the rancher, "Is your Mother here?"

"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town
with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting
from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely. "I know where
all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a
message for Dad."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad.
It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that,"
he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500
for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he
gets for Howard."

[radron]

removed

[shmoov69]

Eeeeeewwwwww........

TMI!!

[WS6]

lol funny but that is so going to get deleted when a mod sees it

[Van B]

Crap. I saw it but can't remember what it said. I don't remember anything terribly offensive.

[shmoov69]

Homo joke. That should possibly remind you! Lol

[Van B]

Ah, yes.

[6'9"Witha69]

One Monday morning the UPS guy is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles..

"Wow. Bob", looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night, the UPS man comments.

Bob, in obvious pain, replies "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that's when we started playing "WHO AM I."

The UPS man thinks a moment and says, "How do you play "WHO AM I?"

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet…then the women try to guess who it is."

The UPS man laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up seven times."

[1badchevelle]

What do you call a blond standing on her hands. A brunette with bad breath.

[Munster]

I hope this is not to bad for here. I saw this T-shirt today and have to get one. Laughed my A$$ off.


I used to be F**king stupid.......................then we broke up.










.....

[Roger M]

A couple had been married for 50 years.



They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,



'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'



'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago..'



'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times..'



Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.



'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied,



'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'



'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

[WS6]

Sitting together on a train was Obama, George W. Bush , a little old lady, and a young blonde girl.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.

The blonde girl thinks: Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.

Obama thinks: Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

George Bush thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack Obama again.

[WS6]

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.

'Excuse me, I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir.

Do you know where your wife might be?'

'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with breasts like yours, she appears out of nowhere.

[Jim Nilsen]

While driving by the local Walgreens the other day they were advertising for the H1N1 shots , The sign was clearly put up with no numbers just letters. On the way back I looked again and then the reality struck me. I have always thought that any pandemic that hasn't killed more people than heart disease,cancer, traffic accidents, falling in the shower and many other daily occurances that out number H1N1 deaths which happen each day was being shoved up my rear with fear by the government.

True to reality the sign read, HINI (Hiney) shots are here!

[shmoov69]

Sexist jokes coming............... ; )

[shmoov69]

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every
time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to
a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that.
When your husband comes home drunk, just take a
glass of sweet tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and
gargle."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the
doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!
Every time my husband came home drunk, I
gargled with sweet tea. I gargled and gargled,
and nothing happened!"

Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?"

[shmoov69]

Why did God make women??







I don't know either, But I have been trying to figure it out all these years too!

[shmoov69]

Why did God make women??



Because a sheep can't cook!

[6'9"Witha69]

Why did God make women??



Because a sheep can't cook!
Leave it to someone in MO! :poke:

[shmoov69]

LOL!!
Don't knock it till.............Nevermind!

LOL!!

[Roger M]

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been
Married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided
To amaze our men by greeting them at the door
Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend :
The other night when my boyfriend came over he
Found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all nightlong.


The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was
Wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and
Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,



"What's for dinner,Batman?"

[shmoov69]

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt was overwhelming. But every once in awhile he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
'Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go Dave.'

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering:

'Dave ........... Dave...........

YOU'RE A VETERINARIAN,

YOU SICK BA$TARD!!!'

[shmoov69]

How to install a cheap security system:


>1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work
> boots.
> 2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo
> Magazine.
> 3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
> 4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
>
> Bubba,
>
> Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour.
> Don't mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and
> messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to
> tell
> from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.
> Better wait outside. Be right back.
>
> Cooter

[shmoov69]

Things I Learned in the South:


A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.


There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no ones seen before.


If it grows, itll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.


Onced and Twiced are words.


It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!


Jaw-P? means Did yall go to the bathroom?


People actually grow and eat okra.


Fixinto is one word. It means Im fixing to do that.


There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there is supper.


Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.


Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.


The word jeet is actually a phrase meaning Did you eat?


You dont have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until youre done or its too dark to see.


You dont PUSH buttons, you MASH em.


No, Jew? is a common response to the question, Did you bring any beer?


You measure distance in minutes.


You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.


All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.


You know what a DAWG is.


You carry jumper cables in your car - for your OWN car.


You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Tonys, Tabasco and ketchup.


The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports and motor sports, and gossip.


You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.


You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit a bit warm.


You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.


Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite pastime known as goin Wal-Martin or off to Wally World.


You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chicken stew weather.


Fried catfish is the other white meat.




And I ain't pickin' on the south, actually I like it waay better than the north! LOL I have spent alot of time in south Arkansas with work in the past.

[shmoov69]

Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.


He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge.

Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer,
her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.


When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet?"


The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00.
Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive faucet. It's certainly out of my price bracket."

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.
The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.

From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"
Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."

This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot!

[6'9"Witha69]

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very
elaborate funeral by the hospital that he worked for most of his
life...

A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during
the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket was rolled
inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful
heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all
eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of
my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist..'

The proctologist fainted.

[6'9"Witha69]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU
EVER STOP?!'

[6'9"Witha69]

I took a Cadillac Escalade out for a test drive just to drive that
sucker before they become extinct. The salesman sat in the back seat describing the car and all its wonderful options.



The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats

directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.



I stated the car must be a Republican car.



Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican, and I explained that if it were Democratic car, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.



I had to walk back to the dealership but it was worth it...

[MonzaRacer]

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked
to buy half a head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole
heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some a$$hole
wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he
turned to find the man standing right behind him; so he added, "And this
gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the
manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself
out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here."

"Where are you from, son?"

"Washington DC, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Washington DC?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but hookers and politicians over
there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Washington DC".

"No $h!t!" replied the boy. "Who'd she hook for and how much did she charge per hour and did she ever meet Bill Clinton?"

[shmoov69]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you .
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place......

.....The grass is almost a foot high."

[minendrews68]

just a couple....well, maybe more,

How the fight started......

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

[/INDENT]
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
[/INDENT]
[/INDENT]
When she asked him why, he replied,





"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"


And that's how the fight started...

















I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'




It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.


'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said..


So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started...

















My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.


I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have $ex?'





'No,' she answered.


I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'


She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying





'Yes.'


So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'





And that's when the fight started...

















I took my wife to a restaurant.


The waiter, for some reason, took my order first…





'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'





He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'





'Nah, she can order for herself.'





And that's when the fight started...

















My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.


She asked, 'What's on TV?'


I said 'Dust.'


And then the fight started...














My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.





She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'


I bought her a scale.


And then the fight started...











My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion,
and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.





I asked her, 'Do you know him?'


'Yes,' she sighed, ‘He’s my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'





My God I said, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'


And then the fight started...














I rear-ended a car this morning... So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the
other driver got out of his car.


You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?


Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!





He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'


So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'





And then the fight started...











THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER:





When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.





But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf…


Always something more important to me.


Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.





When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing


scissors… I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came


out again I handed her a toothbrush I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'


And that how the fight started.

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

[86Cutlass383SR]

HELL EXPLAINED

BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. There fore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

[Samckitt]

I have 4 extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel (son of Evil Knievel) event at the Ford Center next weekend in Beaumont, TX if anybody wants them. Robbie is goiing to try to jump over 1000 Obama supporters with a Caterrpillar D-9 Bulldozer.

https://static1.pt-content.com/images/noimg.gif

[John Wright]

DEAR DEAF WIFE....."priceless"


A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.


Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.


The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.


Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.

If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.."


That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"


No response.


So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"


Still no response.


Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"


Again he gets no response.


So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"




"Ralph, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

[shmoov69]

Another new Illness to watch out for ...

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is
staying home
because she is not feeling well.

"So, what's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"And what the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I just can't see my ass coming into work today."

[John Wright]

^^^^^LOL^^^^

Wonder if my boss will like that one?

[John Wright]

Lena is pregnant with Ole's child.



Late one night, Lena vakes Ole and says, “I tink it's time!”



So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere tractor and took her to the hospital to have their first baby.



She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and said, “A son! Ain't dat Great!” Well, Ole got excited by dis, but yust den the doctor spoke up and said, “Hold on! We ain't finished yet!” The doctor den held up a little girl. He said, “Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter! She's a pretty little ting, too.”



Ole got kind of puzzled by this, an then the doctor said, “Holey Moley! Ole, we still ain't done yet!” The doctor then delivered another boy and said, “Ole, you yust had yourself another boy!”



Ole was flabbergasted by this news!



A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and their three Children home in the self-propelled combine. He was real serious and he asked Lena, “How come we got tree on the first try?”



Lena said, “You remember dat night we ran out of Vaseline and you vent out in the garage and got dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?”



Ole said, “Yeah, I do.. Uffda! It's a dam good ting I didn't get da WD-40!”

[John Wright]

MAN KILLED ON GOLF COURSE

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of
women is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their
time.

When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet.
She goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten
feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, 'I
guess all those f..king lessons I took over the winter didn't help.'

One of the men immediately responds, 'Well, there you have it, you
should have taken golf lessons instead!'

He never even had a chance to duck...

[minendrews68]

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast' . Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded .



The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer . 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out .

' Cathy ', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker . 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!

[Samckitt]

Research confirms that drinking gives you the same benefits yoga does!!!

Savasana
Position of total relaxation.
https://static1.pt-content.com/images/noimg.gif

Balasana
Position that brings the sensation of peace and calm.
https://static1.pt-content.com/images/noimg.gif

Setu Bandha Sarvangasana
This position calms the brain and heals tired legs.
https://static1.pt-content.com/images/noimg.gif

Marjayasana
Position stimulates the midirift area and the spinal comumn.
https://static1.pt-content.com/images/noimg.gif

Halasana
Excelent for back pain and imsomnia.
https://static1.pt-content.com/images/noimg.gif

Dolphin
Excelent for the shoulder area, thorax, legs, and arms.
https://static1.pt-content.com/images/noimg.gif

Salambhasana
Great excersice to stimulate the lumbar area, legs, and arms.
https://static1.pt-content.com/images/noimg.gif

Ananda Balasana
This position is great for masaging the hip area.
https://static1.pt-content.com/images/noimg.gif

Malasana
This position, for ankles and back muscles.
https://static1.pt-content.com/images/noimg.gif

[WS6]

lol that is fantastic Scot

[Larry Callahan]

Doh!

xB1Ur95y5xQ

[crustysack]

that yoga stuff is sofa king funny

[shmoov69]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He
> gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just
> like Frank Feldman.'
>
> Passenger: 'Who?'
>
>
>
> Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman... He's a guy who did everything right all the
> time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like
> that to Frank Feldman every single time.'
>
> Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'
>
> Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have
> won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang
> like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should
> have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'
>
> Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'
>
> Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered
> everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and
> which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I
> change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman,
> could do everything right.'
>
>
>
> Passenger: 'Wow, some guy, then.'
>
> Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
> traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But
> Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a
> woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if
> she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes
> highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake.
> No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'
>
> Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'
>
> Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank.......he died and I married
> his @#$%& wife!!"

[shmoov69]

How fast can you guess the words?

1. B o o _ s

2. _ _ n d o m

3. F _ _ k

4. P _ n _ s

5. P u _ s _



Answers Below, Don't cheat
















Answers

1. Books

2. Random

3. Fork

4. Pants

5. Pulse

You got all 5 wrong DIDN'T YOU!

NO COMMENT

[shmoov69]

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right,
everyone else in the class laughed. My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and
he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal
was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd
asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make
them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office
again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher
doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what
famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders".

Guess where I am now...

[shmoov69]

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees


Ees


Ees


Ees



Ees a ham bush...."


I know And I bet you tried to do the accent, didn't you? I know you did!

[shmoov69]

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father

if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son.

"You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little,
get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you.
You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment then said, You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that,
and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.

And his father replied, Did you notice they all walked everywhere they went.

[shmoov69]

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and over 300 seniors came to see the show. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat "I want you each to
keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"$H1T!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center .

[Samckitt]

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried
chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right,
everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried
chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and
he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love
animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what
happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal
was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd
asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make
them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office
again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher
doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what
famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders".

Guess where I am now...

[65-Flat6]

A string walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink.
Bartender says "We dont serve your kind around here"
the string steps back from the bar frays his strings and ties
himself in a knot, and sits back down at the bar..

Bartender says "Hey arnt you the same string that was just here"
The string says " nope im a affraid not"....

[shmoov69]

Har har har!
Cmon Scott, look 5 posts up! Lol

[Samckitt]

Har har har!
Cmon Scott, look 5 posts up! Lol

Hmmm, Sorry didn't see that. Can't keep up with reading ALL of them, they come in TOO fast.

[shmoov69]

It's all good! Can't remember if this one is in here...

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter..

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

[shmoov69]

An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker. "Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks.
"$100," she replies.
In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?"
"No" she says.
"I pay you $200 to do immigrant style."

"No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.

"I pay you $300."

"No," she says.

"I pay you $400."

"No," she says.

So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant style."

She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be?"

So she agrees and has sex with him. Finally, after several hours, they finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So, what exactly is immigrant style?"

The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government"


I Know, its a little too true to be too funny!

[shmoov69]

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home
drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have the perfect medicine for that" he said. "When your
husband
comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it
around in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he
goes
to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and
reborn.
Woman: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea!
Every time myhusband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished
and swished and sure enough he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

[6'9"Witha69]

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.
The Koala bear watched the lizard float away from the bank. A crocodile also saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing the joint. The crocodile looked up and yelled,

'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,
'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude...How much water did you drink!?'

[Samckitt]

How come old people tap you on the shoulder at weddings & births & say "You're next."? How about we do that to them at funerals......

[Pro Stock]

]
]

[John Wright]

100 MILE AN HOUR GOAT

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are
walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.
They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole; I
can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it
is."

The second hunter says" I don't know, let's
throw something down and listen, and see how long it takes
to hit bottom."

The first hunter says "There's this old automobile
transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in
and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, two
and three,and throw it in the hole.
They are standing there listening and looking over the edge
when they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.
As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through
the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump
in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other,
looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was
all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there",
says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see
my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we
were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running
out of the bushes doin' about a
hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into
this hole here!"

The old farmer said "Why that's impossible, I had
him chained to a transmission!"

[minendrews68]

THAT was a good one John...

Carl

[John Wright]

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainier, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

[WS6]

worst part is they still passed the test I bet.


that goat one was great! I love simple jokes like that.

[shmoov69]

A man escapes from a prison and breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. I love you, too!"

[shmoov69]

This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my left and there was a




Woman

In a brand new Cadillac


Doing 65 mph


With her Face up next to her

Rear view mirror

Putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away

For a couple seconds...

to continue shaving

And when I looked back she was

Halfway over in my lane,


Still working on that makeup.

As a man,

I don't scare easily.

But she scared me so much;
I dropped

My electric shaver


Which knocked

The donut
Out of my other hand.

In all The confusion of trying
To straighten out the car


Using my knees against
The steering wheel,


It knocked

My Cell Phone


Away from my ear


Which fell


Into the coffee

Between my legs!


Splashed,


And burned
Big Lou and the Twins,


Ruined the damn phone,

Soaked my trousers,


And disconnected an
Important call.

Damn women drivers!

[shmoov69]

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.


She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.


At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times till her husband says... "Are you wearing crotch less panties?"


"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.


"Thank God for that... I thought you were sitting on the cat.





He never heard the gunshot.

[6'9"Witha69]

A professor at the Monash University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The Redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Bubba replied, "****, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

[shmoov69]

Boudreaux live across de bayou from Clarence, who he don like at all. Dey all de time yell across de bayou at each other. Boudreaux would yell to Clarence, "If I had a way to cross dis bayou, I'd come over dere an beat you up good, yeah!"

Dis went on for years. Finally de state done built a bridge across dat bayou right by dere houses; and Boudreaux's wife, Marie, say, "Now is you chance, Boudreaux. Why don you go over der an beat up dat Clarence like you say?"

Boudreaux say, "OK," and start across de bridge, but he see a sign on de bridge an he stop to read it and den he go back home.

Marie say, "Why you back so soon?"

And Boudreaux say, "Marie, I dun change my mind 'bout beatin' up dat Clarence. You know Marie, dey got a sign on dat dere bridge dat say, 'Clarence 13 ft. 6 in.' You know, he don look near dat big when I yell at him across de bayou."

[shmoov69]

Copper wire:

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York Scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years

and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a
telephone network more than 100 years ago.


Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists, finding of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers".


One week later. A local newspaper in Missouri reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Salem,
Missouri, Old Bill Jadwin a self-taught archaeologist, reported
that he found absolutely nothing. Old Bill Jadwin has therefore
concluded that 300 years ago, Missouri had already gone wireless".

Just makes me proud to live in Missouri!!!

[shmoov69]

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick.

Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss John says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.

When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex.

That Makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say and I feel Great.

I be at work soon.........You got nice house'

[shmoov69]

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.




They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.


The next morning they went to the beach Dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs,

Enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said

'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father? 'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' She replied,



'Father, it's me............ Sister Kathleen!'

[twosaturns]

A Priest and a Rabbi are watching over a playground full of kids.
The Priest says "hey, let's go screw some little boys"

The Rabbi says "out of what?"

[shmoov69]

A little guy is sitting at the bar staring at his foaming beer, when a large, nasty biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig ..

" Well , watcha' gonna do about it ? " he says menacingly , as the little guy bursts into tears.............


" Come on , man , " the biker says, " I didn't think you'd cry . I can't stand to see a man crying .. "


" This is the worst day of my life , " says the little guy . " I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me . When I went to the parking lot , I found my car stolen and I don't have any insurance . I left my wallet in the cab I took home . I found my wife in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me . So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all ."


" I buy a beer. I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then a wise-ass like you shows up and drinks the whole thing."

[shmoov69]

Hellmann's Mayonnaise - a bit of history.

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England . In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York . This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico . But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as -

Sinko De Mayo.

WHAT??? You expected something educational from me??

[shmoov69]

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, they watched the boss leave work early. One day, the girls
decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would
she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early...she did a little
gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout

at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband,

but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.

Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband

in bed with her boss! Gently she closed the door and crept out of the house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again,

and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"No way!" the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

[John Wright]

Disclaimer: This came in an email with all CAPS...and I'm not retyping it...LOL





Subject: Do you know the front from the back of a tree?

A REDNECK FROM GEORGIA DECIDES TO TRAVEL ACROSS THE SOUTH TO VIRGINIA
TO SEE GOD'S COUNTRY.

WHEN HE GETS TO FRANKLIN , HE LIKES THE PLACE SO MUCH THAT HE DECIDES
TO STAY. BUT FIRST HE MUST FIND A JOB!!!! HE WALKS INTO THE
INTERNATIONAL PAPER COMPANY OFFICE AND FILLS OUT AN APPLICATION AS AN
EXPERIENCED LOG INSPECTOR. IT'S HIS LUCKY DAY!!! THEY
JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE, BUT FIRST, THE LOG FOREMAN
TAKES HIM FOR A RIDE INTO THE FOREST IN THE COMPANY PICKUP TRUCK TO
SEE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS.

THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A TREE
"SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT SPECIES IT IS
AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS."

THE REDNECK PROMPTLY ANSWERS, "THAT THAR'S A WHITEPINE, 383 BOARD FEET OF
LUMBER IN 'ER."

THE FOREMAN IS IMPRESSED!!! HE PUTS THE TRUCK IN MOTION AND STOPS
ABOUT A MILE DOWN THE ROAD. HE POINTS AT
ANOTHER TREE THROUGH THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND ASKS THE SAME QUESTION.
THIS TIME, IT'S A BIGGER TREE OF A DIFFERENT CLASS.

"THAT'S A LOBLOLLY PINE AND SHE'S GOT
ABOUT 456 CLEAR BOARD FEET."

THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED WITH THE GOOD OL' BOY, HE HAS BEEN QUICK
AND GOT THE ANSWERS RIGHT WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR!!!!

ONE MORE TEST... THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD, AND THE
FOREMAN STOPS AGAIN. THIS TIME, HE POINTS ACROSS THROUGH HIS
DRIVER SIDE WINDOW AND SAYS, "AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?"

BEFORE THE FOREMAN FINISHES POINTING, THE REDNECK SAYS, "WHITE OAK,
242 BOARD FEET AT BEST."

THE FOREMAN SPINS THE TRUCK AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE HE'S A
LITTLE TICKED OFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE RED NECK IS SMARTER THAN HE
IS. AS THEY
NEAR THE OFFICE, THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS BUBBA TO STEP
OUTSIDE.HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND TELLS HIM, "SEE THAT TREE
OVER THERE?" "I WANT YOU TO MARK AN X ON THE FRONT OF THAT TREE!!"

THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, "IDIOT, HOW WOULD HE KNOW WHICH IS THE
FRONT OF THE TREE?"

WHEN BUBBA REACHES THE TREE, HE GOES AROUND IT IN A CIRCLE WHILE
LOOKING AT THE GROUND. HE THEN REACHES UP AND PLACES A WHITE X ON THE
TRUNK.

HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN AND HANDS HIM THE CHALK. "THAT THAR'S THE
FRONT," THE REDNECK SAYS.

THE FOREMAN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AND ASKS SARCASTICALLY, "HOW IN THE HELL DO
YOU KNOW THAT'S THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"

THE GOOD OL' BOY LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET, WHILE RUBBING THE TOE OF HIS LEFT BOOT

CLEANING IT IN THE GRAVEL AND REPLIES, "CUZ SOMEBODY
TOOK A $H!T BEHIND IT!"

HE GOT THE JOB.

[shmoov69]

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other,
a Chihuahua.


As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her
friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."


The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there, we've got dogs with
us."


The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do." They walked
over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses
and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets
allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my
seeing-eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"


The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The
bouncer said, "OK, come on in."


The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua
was a seeing-eye dog might be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the
heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."


The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."


The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"



The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a f..king
Chihuahua?!"

[shmoov69]

ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND:

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Terri. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Terri to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while.. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Terri. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Thoughtfully,
Jim


EDITOR'S NOTE:
Jim died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Terri was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

[WS6]

lol thank you Jimmy! I've been up since 2:45 this morning and worked in the gas fields for 12 hours before coming home. I needed a laugh

[shmoov69]

I aim to please! Lol

[John Wright]

A married couple are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George . Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the 'standard rate' He insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use'But we didn't use them," the husband said.. ''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay. As he didn't have the check book he asked his wife to write the check. She did and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But ma'am, this is only made out for $50..00."

''That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager..

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

[John Wright]

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?' Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?' She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'

[John Wright]

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.' Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big $h!t he always was.'

[John Wright]

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies.
Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'

[John Wright]

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?' She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.
I said, 'Well, why are you crying?' She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.' I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?' She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'

[John Wright]

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other,
outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you
in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little
scared."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when
I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots
of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A Circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was
born. Couldn't walk for a year!"

[John Wright]

3 Ladies from Minnesota





A detective story

So Pay Close Attention!!!







Three ladies are excited about seeing their first baseball game...

They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniel's into the ball park.


The game is very exciting and they enjoy themselves immensely...
mixing Jack Daniel's with their soft drinks.

Soon they realize that the bottle is almost empty and the game still
has a lot of innings to go.

Based on the given information, what inning is it and how many players
are on base?

Now think!








Think some more!!











Answer:

It's the bottom of the fifth, and the bags are loaded!