Just a funny:

[shmoov69]

Har har har!!

[shmoov69]

My Wife asked me...

"How many women have you slept with?"
I proudly replied,
"Only you, Darling - With all the others, I was awake."






Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 AM to 4 PM

[Pro Stock]

I hope that this doesn't offend but this guy is a great actor



Search Results


[/URL] [URL="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WNDlf6hA6TY"]Retarded Policeman #9: Boobies! (http://www.google.com/url?url=http://www.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3DWNDlf6hA6TY&rct=j&sa=X&ei=nlFmTNS4OcT6lwfMjYn_Dg&ved=0CDYQuAIwAA&q=the+retarded+policeman&usg=AFQjCNFOUwOh9ebC_xnZhxACA4JDh-3gOQ)

2 min - Apr 23, 2008 - Uploaded by MediocreFilms
Special Edition DVD: www.dfjamsstore.com Thanks for supporting us!! See this video in HIGH QUALITY: www.youtube.com ...
youtube.com - Related videos (http://www.google.com/search?q=related:http://www.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3DWNDlf6hA6TY&hl=en&sa=X&tbs=vid:1&prmd=v&tbo=u&ei=nlFmTNS4OcT6lwfMjYn_Dg&ved=0CDcQrAQwAA&docid=0)
(http://www.google.com/url?url=http://www.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3DyioJQFrqMXM&rct=j&sa=X&ei=nlFmTNS4OcT6lwfMjYn_Dg&ved=0CDsQuAIwAQ&q=the+retarded+policeman&usg=AFQjCNGNyy8blZjVPcFJQPnAYk9VW64j5w) Retarded Policeman #1: Hi (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yioJQFrqMXM)

2 min - Sep 19, 2007 - Uploaded by MediocreFilms
Special Edition DVD: www.dfjamsstore.com Thanks for supporting us!! See this video in HIGH QUALITY: www.youtube.com ...
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(http://www.google.com/url?url=http://www.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3DqlUVGf8B2yc&rct=j&sa=X&ei=nlFmTNS4OcT6lwfMjYn_Dg&ved=0CEAQuAIwAg&q=the+retarded+policeman&usg=AFQjCNEEfQa773xTdj7kkQ8AyrDOm0Pu2A) Retarded Policeman #8: Tazer (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qlUVGf8B2yc)

1 min - Apr 1, 2008 - Uploaded by MediocreFilms
Special Edition DVD: www.dfjamsstore.com Thanks for supporting us!! See this video in HIGH QUALITY: www.youtube.com ...
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(http://www.google.com/url?url=http://www.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3D-MWSGbh-bi4&rct=j&sa=X&ei=nlFmTNS4OcT6lwfMjYn_Dg&ved=0CEUQuAIwAw&q=the+retarded+policeman&usg=AFQjCNFSs5WH9Rt--OofR83MyYvoU_3bTQ) Retarded Policeman #6: Sobriety Test (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-MWSGbh-bi4)

2 min - Feb 4, 2008 - Uploaded by MediocreFilms
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(http://www.google.com/url?url=http://theuniversitytube.com/media/3257/Retarded_Policeman_-__Under_Age_Drinking/&rct=j&sa=X&ei=nlFmTNS4OcT6lwfMjYn_Dg&ved=0CEoQuAIwBA&q=the+retarded+policeman&usg=AFQjCNGyIOwwJ4G-ngi64LyXXqoI1v2FSg) Retarded Policeman - Under Age Drinking (http://theuniversitytube.com/media/3257/Retarded_Policeman_-__Under_Age_Drinking/)

Sep 18, 2008
This is so freakin' funny! Pina Colada Time!
theuniversitytube.com - Related videos (http://www.google.com/search?q=related:http://theuniversitytube.com/media/3257/Retarded_Policeman_-__Under_Age_Drinking/&hl=en&sa=X&tbs=vid:1&prmd=v&tbo=u&ei=nlFmTNS4OcT6lwfMjYn_Dg&ved=0CEsQrAQwBA&docid=0)
(http://www.google.com/url?url=http://www.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3D2U3suqfWRz8&rct=j&sa=X&ei=nlFmTNS4OcT6lwfMjYn_Dg&ved=0CE8QuAIwBQ&q=the+retarded+policeman&usg=AFQjCNHwozGPfl14t7VPOgfUJMwzFw4EBQ) Retarded Policeman #5: Writers Strike (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2U3suqfWRz8)

2 min - Jan 22, 2008 - Uploaded by MediocreFilms
Special Edition DVD: www.dfjamsstore.com Thanks for supporting us!! Beforeyou leave mean comments, just know that our friend ...
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(http://www.google.com/url?url=http://www.metacafe.com/watch/1644481/funniest_retarded_policeman_episode/&rct=j&sa=X&ei=nlFmTNS4OcT6lwfMjYn_Dg&ved=0CFQQuAIwBg&q=the+retarded+policeman&usg=AFQjCNFKVFwa1yLaxSUFfe-5DlyvnIQQYA) Funniest Retarded Policeman Episode (http://www.metacafe.com/watch/1644481/funniest_retarded_policeman_episode/)

1 min - Aug 19, 2008
This is the funniest Retarded Policeman Episode. Brought to you by tinyurl.com
metacafe.com - Related videos (http://www.google.com/search?q=related:http://www.metacafe.com/watch/1644481/funniest_retarded_policeman_episode/&hl=en&sa=X&tbs=vid:1&prmd=v&tbo=u&ei=nlFmTNS4OcT6lwfMjYn_Dg&ved=0CFUQrAQwBg&docid=0)
(http://www.google.com/url?url=http://www.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3D2QLvXTdY3dQ&rct=j&sa=X&ei=nlFmTNS4OcT6lwfMjYn_Dg&ved=0CFkQuAIwBw&q=the+retarded+policeman&usg=AFQjCNG1D9qgr7kQxRD_q5eiwZb1XX43NA) Retarded Policeman #21: Lt. Ballsack (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2QLvXTdY3dQ)

3 min - Nov 14, 2008 - Uploaded by MediocreFilms
Special Edition DVD: www.dfjamsstore.com Thanks for supporting us!! See this video in HIGH QUALITY: www.youtube.com ...
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https://static1.pt-content.com/images/pt/2010/08/ThumbnailServer2appsmhcontentid31adba5cc-1.jpg (http://www.google.com/url?url=http://www.gametrailers.com/player/usermovies/213487.html&rct=j&sa=X&ei=nlFmTNS4OcT6lwfMjYn_Dg&ved=0CF4QuAIwCA&q=the+retarded+policeman&usg=AFQjCNGnk7MDNGMgY_rKNwdssPqdhTrrVA) The Retarded Policeman 5 (http://www.gametrailers.com/player/usermovies/213487.html)

May 6, 2008
The fifth of the series
gametrailers.com - Related videos (http://www.google.com/search?q=related:http://www.gametrailers.com/player/usermovies/213487.html&hl=en&sa=X&tbs=vid:1&prmd=v&tbo=u&ei=nlFmTNS4OcT6lwfMjYn_Dg&ved=0CF8QrAQwCA&docid=0)
https://static1.pt-content.com/images/pt/2010/08/ThumbnailServer2appsmhcontentid6e9b27a54-1.jpg (http://www.google.com/url?url=http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/197125/&rct=j&sa=X&ei=nlFmTNS4OcT6lwfMjYn_Dg&ved=0CGMQuAIwCQ&q=the+retarded+policeman&usg=AFQjCNGk6z0BhgVAk7mdy8hzsaGOW_SQ-Q) Retarded Policeman Episode 1 (http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/197125/)

2 min - Sep 2, 2008
Check out the first of the new "Retarded Policeman" series. Laughing may get you a ticket to hell.
ebaumsworld.com - Related videos (http://www.google.com/search?q=related:http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/197125/&hl=en&sa=X&tbs=vid:1&prmd=v&tbo=u&ei=nlFmTNS4OcT6lwfMjYn_Dg&ved=0CGQQrAQwCQ&docid=0)

[shmoov69]

Three rednecks were working up on
a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls
off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and
tell his wife.


Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good
at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a
case of Budweiser.


Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'

'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you
beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow."

She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll bet
you a case of Budweiser you are.'



Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.

[Samckitt]

Why Sharks Circle Before Attacking



Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the crap inside!"

[shmoov69]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks.

His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.

It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school.

Tommy was over 2 hours late..

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting
home?" asked John..

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit
project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us
where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him,
knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am
sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John.. "When I was your age, I
never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

[crustysack]

A mother goes to here sons house, knocks on the door and walks right in. Her daughter in law is laying on the couch buck naked with light music in the background. "What the hell are you doing?" the mother asks. "I'm waiting for your son to get home." she replies.
"Your completely nude!!!!" exclaims the mother. " No I am wearing my love dress." "No your not you are naked!! "the mother insists.
"Your sons asks me to wear this love dress every day, and when he gets home he ravages me for hours on end. "she states
The mother leaves in a huff, but on the way home she thinks about what the daughter in law told her. When she arrives home she strips nude, puts on some romantic music, lays out on the couch and waits for her husband to get home. When the husband gets home he walks in to the living room and says"What the hell is this!!!???" she answers in her most sensual voice" This is my love dress darling"
"It needs ironing, whats for dinner?"

[MonzaRacer]

Full of Hot Air

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "But how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You've made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect ME to solve your problem. You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now, it's MY fault.

[Pro Stock]

HAPPY MAN .My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year and so we decided to get married.There was only one thing bothering me …her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in –law was twenty two,wore very tight miniskirts ,and generally bra-less.She would regularly bend down when near me and I always got a nice view .it had to be deliberate ,she did not do this when she was near anyone else .

One day ‘little’ sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations .She was alone when I arrived and whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome .She told me she had to have me once before I got married to her sister and committed my life to her .

Well I was in total shock and could not say a word .She said I’m going upstairs to my bedroom,and you want one last wild fling just come up and get me .

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs .I stood there for a moment and then made a beeline for the front door .I opened the door and headed straight for the car .

LO and BEHOLD ,My entire future family was standing there outside all clapping .With tears in his eyes my future father-in-law hugged me and said,”We are very happy you have passed our little test .We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter.Welcome to the family”

And the moral of the story is :ALWAYS keep your condoms in your car!

[67 ls1 vert]

well, I'll add one I stole from another board.



0K8lrVjT6fM

[dadto2jays]

The other day I needed to go to the emergency room.


Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a patch onto the front of my shirt that I had downloaded off the Internet.
When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.
Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.


It also works at DMV. It saved me 5 hours.
At the Laundromat, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.

Don't try it at McDonald's though..... The whole crew got up and left and l never got my order... I guess the Border Patrol Badge did it..

[dadto2jays]

Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year,

And every year Ken would say,

'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'

Edna always replied,

'I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,

And fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

One year Ken and Edna went to the fair, and Ken said,

'Edna, I'm 75 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'

To this, Edna replied,

"Ken that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you
can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you
a penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Ken and Edna agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said,

'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you
didn't.

I'm impressed!'

Ken replied,


'Well, to tell you the truth,

I almost said something when Edna fell out,

But you know,

"Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'


This is one is better..LOL
Jewish husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife, "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMW in the garage and no more yacht club.
But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Moishe?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies...

[dadto2jays]

Lipstick in School
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington
was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were
beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine,
but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips on the mirror
leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would
remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the
principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance
man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for
the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine all the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the
maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers. . . and then there are educators

[406 Q-ship]

^:lol:

[dadto2jays]

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the arsenic dissolve. Then some jerk shows up and drinks the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?

[dadto2jays]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . 'The material we put in our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.. . Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. . Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. ..

However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake'.

[406 Q-ship]

Researcher have discovered a food that can reduce the sexual drive of the female..........wedding cake.

[dadto2jays]

Older Men Scam, tell you buddies to be aware

I've received the email warnings for women about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. I recently got scammed and wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

This is a 'heads up' for those men (especially those of us 55 and over) who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as
you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping
your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out
of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen Mar. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th,
24th, & 29th. Also Apr. 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th &
27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of
us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for
$.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just
running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc.

So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to
be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and
around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

[6'9"Witha69]

A couple living in a small Minnesota town take on an 18-year-old girl as a
lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom as such but she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to bowl," the woman said.

So the young girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday night.

After her husband had gone off for his bowling tournament, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.

She was surprised to see that the young lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said, “Next week, when you go off to bowl, I'll leave a little gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself, alright?"

The following Monday night, while the girl got undressed for her bath, the
wife asked her, "Do you shave down there?"

"No," replied the girl, "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you
have hair on yours?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman and she showed the girl her hairy muff.

After the girl had gone to bed the husband came home and the wife asked, “Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?"

"Why not?" she said, "You've seen it before.”

"I know," he replied, "but the bowling team hadn't!"

[6'9"Witha69]

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in
las vegas , but there are more catholic churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshipers at sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings..

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the chip monks.

[6'9"Witha69]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?' She asked.

'Hunting Flies' He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?' She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.. 'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded, '3 were on a beer can,2 were on the phone.

[6'9"Witha69]

There was a Pastor whose wife was expecting a baby so he went to the congregation and asked for a raise? After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the Pastor's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the Pastor's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the Pastor stood up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

And the congregation said, "Amen"

[6'9"Witha69]

An elderly spinster who was a dog lover agreed to look after her neighbor's dog while the neighbors went on their vacation.

The only problem was that the spinsters own dog was a bitch that was in 'heat' and the neighbors dog was a male. Nevertheless, she had a large house and she was able to keep the two dogs apart.

As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep, the spinster was suddenly alarmed by an awful howling and moaning sounds from downstairs. She rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together, as dogs do when mating. The dogs were in obvious pain howling but unable to disengage.

Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do next.

Though it was late she reluctantly phoned the vet and after a few rings, a rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone.

The spinster explained the problem.

The vet said, "I want you to take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. I will then phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw from the bitch"

"Oh," said the spinster, "Do you think that will work?"

"Well," the vet replied, "It just worked for me."

[John Wright]

Male Date-Drug:cheers:

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date-drug on the market called 'Beer '.

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them
A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'.In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.
Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this 'Beer ' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.

For a demo on how this works..
http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf

[shmoov69]

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps…He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did… and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. “Now….. show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him,” he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips. Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. “Now. Tell him you have a headache

[John Wright]

In this world of hi-tech, I have noticed that many, who text messages & email, have forgotten the "art" of capitalization.

Those of you who fall into this world, please take note of the statement below.

I cannot stress enough that grammar is important:

Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

Also .....

I went to the airport to see my brother Jack off.

[WS6]

haha nice! I'm guilty of that because I'm terrible at texting and quite frankly prefer not to text at all really. So I invest virtually no time in trying to improve my skills. I'd rather pick up the phone and hear the person's voice.

[56 Crazy]

41827
wonder how long the conversation lasted............

[JoshStratton]

This thread is still going?!?!? Wow. I just logged in for the first time in a year. 778 posts and ~50K views. Impressive.

[exwestracer]

A blonde model meets with a photographer to do a nude photo shoot. When the model disrobes, the photographer becomes visibly upset and starts cursing and muttering under his breath. The model asks if something is wrong. The photographer says "I knew it! You're not a natural blonde. Do you know how lousy it makes my photos look when the carpet doesn't match the drapes?". The model says, "But I AM a natural blonde...". The photographer replies, "Well how do you explain that patch of BLACK hair?".

The model thinks for a minute and says, "I can explain. Come over to the desk.". They get to his desk and the model says, "Put your thumb out on the desk.". Still agitated, the photographer says, "What? Ok, whatever.", and puts his thumb out on the desk. The model grabs a heavy paperweight and smashes it down on his thumb.

After screaming in pain for awhile, the photographer looks at the model and says, "What the hell did you do that for??!!". The model says, "Well, look at your thumb. It's ALREADY turning black, and it's only been banged ONCE!".

[Radlark]

A really, really rich guy threw a party at his mansion and invited people from ALL walks of life, poor, homeless, black, white etc. Everybody was enjoying the free food and drink and a warm house, just then the rich guy said "I would like to thank everyone for coming to my home and I would like to propose a wager....

The first person who can swim across my Olympic size pool can either have my sexy beautiful daughter's hand in marriage OR $1 million dollars. Everyone started lining up on one side of the pool, just then 4 big white vans lined up on the other side of the pool and the cargo doors flew open and out came like 50 snapping snarling hungry alligators.

Every one started backing away from pool and it was dead silence.....all of a sudden all you hear is SPLASH, SPLASH, SPLASH, SPLASH, AND SCREAMING, you see the alligator's tail whipping back and forth, their mouths chomping......

And then all of a sudden you look on the other side of the pool and you see this skinny little black guy scurry out of the pool, clothes torn to shreds, he's breathing all heavy, shaking like crazy. the rich guy walks up to him and says "OMG I can't believe you made, since you did I know you want my daughter's hand in marriage right?" The skinny black guy says "naw, naw man I don't want her!!!"

Rich guys says " I know...you want the million dollars right?" Skinny black guy says "naw man naw I don't want that either!!!!"

Rich guys says "WOW....well what DO you want?" Skinny black guy turns and looks at the other side of the pool and said "I WANT THE WHITE MUTHAF***ER THAT PUSHED ME IN THE POOL!!!"

[shmoov69]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.


The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack?
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.




10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back,

'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

[Radlark]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.


The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack?
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.




10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back,

'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

Hilarious!!

[DynoDon]

First Christmas Joke


Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The man from Minnesota fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The man from North Dakota reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Texan started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The Texan replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

[Damn True]

A friend's kid told me this one the other night:

Two muffins were baking in an oven.
The first muffin says, "Man it's hot in here."
The second muffin says, "Holy crap! A talking muffin!"

[WS6]

lol

There's a little Johnny joke that has the same punch line but with pigs. It's funny as well.

[mell69]

A friend's kid told me this one the other night:

Two muffins were baking in an oven.
The first muffin says, "Man it's hot in here."
The second muffin says, "Holy crap! A talking muffin!"


This made me laugh out loud. I have a really warped sense of humor.

In the spirit of the season...

What did Santa say when his reindeer landed on the outhouse?

"You idiots!! I said the SCHMIDT house!!"

[KacyZ28]

So the little rascals were in class one day and the teacher says today we are gonna go around the class and Im going to give you a word any you have to use it in a sentence.So half way through the class the teacher comes to spanky.Teacher says Spanky your word is Appreciate.Spanky thinks about it for a minute and says Darla I would appreciate it if you would walk me home from school today.The teacher replies thats correct Spanky and very sweet too.Next she comes to Buckwheat.Teacher says Buckwheat your word is Dictate.Buckwheat thinks about it for a minute and says Hey Darla how my Dictate lastnight?

[Mike Holleman]

Guy shows up for work Monday morning with two black eyes. His buddy says how on earth did you get those? Well, I was in church yesterday and we stood to sing a hymn. The lady in front of me had on a beautiful silk dress that was stuck between her butt cheeks so I pulled it out. That explains one black eye, how did you get the other? Well, I figured she most of wanted there, so I put it back.

[shmoov69]

Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium- He is closer to the Goodyear Blimp then the field.
About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50-yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.
As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?"
The man replies, "Well, actually the seat belongs to my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967."
"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend."
"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."

[shmoov69]

For Christmas, the children brought gifts for their
teacher.

The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of
assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The
teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.. She
touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied. She tasted another
drop and asked, " Champagne ?







"No," said the little boy.............."It's a puppy!"

[shmoov69]

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.



The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry.

I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf,

so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb.

I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it!



We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already...

I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'



The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man

asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."

So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"



The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him..

[shmoov69]

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where
he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the
effects it has on the human body".

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of
night?"

The man replies, "My wife".

[shmoov69]

Why did the rooster cross the road??




























To prove he wasn't chicken!!


Har har har!!!

[shmoov69]

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops. "What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"
So, she does.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous, why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl..."

[shmoov69]

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive
double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the
contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been
completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid.

So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year,
that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung
up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

[shmoov69]

Somewhere in Alabama..........
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when,
through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual
striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and
gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the
left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease
move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and
frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it
apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish,
he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a
pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says,"What the
heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says
an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin
trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I
do 'something sexy to a tractor'."






Don't make me come 'splain this to you.

[Pro Stock]

JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN



The teacher asked the class to use the word
'fascinate' in a sentence.


Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went
to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his
pet sheep. It was fascinating.'



The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted
you to use the word 'fascinate, not
fascinating'.



Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went
to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.'
The teacher said, 'Well,



That was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the
word 'fascinate.'


Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher
hesitated because she had been burned by Little
Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could
damage the word 'fascinate', so she called
on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with
ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can
only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

[wneal]

Oldie but goodie

[shmoov69]

Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.



The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.



The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.



At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.


She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

'Feels great,' he replied; 'but I still think my thumb's broken!'

[shmoov69]

Lost In Translation

I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.

Today's word is................. Fluctuations

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was
trying to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the
teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I
only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

[shmoov69]

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral
director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no
family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the
Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical
man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone
and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew
left and they were eating lunch.

I felt bad and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of
the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't
know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played
out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played
like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I
wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and
started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never
seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for
twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost!!

[shmoov69]

Cowboy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache. " The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow." The guy replies, "If you weren't such a bi+ch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep.

[shmoov69]

An elderly lady was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening.

She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say,'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names'.

The elderly lady hung her head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old a$$hole what his name is.'

[Van B]

Cowboy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache. " The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow." The guy replies, "If you weren't such a bi+ch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep.

Take a look at the first post of this thread. Not sure why I remembered, but...

[shmoov69]

Dooohh!!! Well, it's been 5 years now, so it was worth repeating!! LOL!

How in the heck did you remember that?!?! LOL

[shmoov69]

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobd. I can splash it on my eyes."

[shmoov69]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.



"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"



"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."



The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."



"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."



The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."



The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.



Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"



"1955, ma'am."



"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!” She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.



Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."



The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."



(Gotta love military time.)

[Van B]

Dooohh!!! Well, it's been 5 years now, so it was worth repeating!! LOL!

How in the heck did you remember that?!?! LOL

One of my favorite jokes. Can't believe it was in 2006 that it was posted.

[youngdeezy]

A really, really rich guy threw a party at his mansion and invited people from ALL walks of life, poor, homeless, black, white etc. Everybody was enjoying the free food and drink and a warm house, just then the rich guy said "I would like to thank everyone for coming to my home and I would like to propose a wager....

The first person who can swim across my Olympic size pool can either have my sexy beautiful daughter's hand in marriage OR $1 million dollars. Everyone started lining up on one side of the pool, just then 4 big white vans lined up on the other side of the pool and the cargo doors flew open and out came like 50 snapping snarling hungry alligators.

Every one started backing away from pool and it was dead silence.....all of a sudden all you hear is SPLASH, SPLASH, SPLASH, SPLASH, AND SCREAMING, you see the alligator's tail whipping back and forth, their mouths chomping......

And then all of a sudden you look on the other side of the pool and you see this skinny little black guy scurry out of the pool, clothes torn to shreds, he's breathing all heavy, shaking like crazy. the rich guy walks up to him and says "OMG I can't believe you made, since you did I know you want my daughter's hand in marriage right?" The skinny black guy says "naw, naw man I don't want her!!!"

Rich guys says " I know...you want the million dollars right?" Skinny black guy says "naw man naw I don't want that either!!!!"

Rich guys says "WOW....well what DO you want?" Skinny black guy turns and looks at the other side of the pool and said "I WANT THE WHITE MUTHAF***ER THAT PUSHED ME IN THE POOL!!!"

LMAO wow this is what i needed right now!

[Samckitt]

https://static1.pt-content.com/images/noimg.gif

[WS6]

Girls' Night Out

Why females should avoid a girls' night after they are married.

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said,"We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh ****.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

[WS6]

Two medical students were walking along the street in Minneapolis when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.

One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry
Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely
has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They
approached the old man and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me what you
think."

One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought.......... but you're wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought.......... but you're wrong."

So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?" And the old man said:

"I thought it was a fart................. ......but I was wrong."

[WS6]

A Penguin biker (Pb) takes his bike to the bike shop, he's talking to the shop owner, the (So).

Pb -"can you have a look at the front end? there's something wrong with it."

So - "sure, come back in half an hour ..... I should be done".

.......1/2 hr............

So - "well it looks like you've blown a seal"

Pb - " what!! ..... no no ... I just ate a ice cream (wiping chin)

[shmoov69]

Thanks for bringing it to the top!! LOL

[shmoov69]

https://static1.pt-content.com/images/pt/2011/04/sperm2-1.jpg

Anyone here relate?!?? Lol!

[shmoov69]

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant
you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed
to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make
your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women
will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful
woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the
world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's
his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd
like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop
here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

...
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...
...
...
...
...
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...
...
...

...
...
...
...
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife ..

Moral of the story: Women are not really smart, they just think they are.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to
show that women never listen!!!

[WS6]

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh...


"Of course I won't laugh", said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over
twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.

Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure

"I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a

nurse and a lady, it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?



...."It's swollen," Fred replied.

She ran out of the room.

[shmoov69]

Latest research from the Mayo Clinic...

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus? It's called the
Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a $hitty outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your a$$ and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes.

My public service is done for the day.....actually my second one for the day!

[shortrack]

What did the guy say to the blonde he just banged after picking her up in a bar a few hours earlier???

"Hey, wow that was pretty awesome......you're really hot!"

"You know what? You should slip into something more comfortable....like a cab........"

[twosaturns]

depressed looking guy walks into a bar.
bartender asks "hey, what's the matter?"
guy says "I'm having trouble with my mother-in-law"
bartender: "that's ok, every guy has problems with his MIL"
guy: "yeah, but I got mine pregnant!"

[Lenie]

Why did the rooster cross the road??




























To prove he wasn't chicken!!


Har har har!!!

He was pinned to the punk rocker:thankyou:

[shmoov69]

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain.

His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.


Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'


'No rike Chinese?' asks the copilot, '....why not?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why !'

'No, no,' the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'


'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There's a few minutes of silence.


'I no rike Jews either!' the copilot suddenly announces.


'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.


'Jews sink Titanic.'


'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'

'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg ...no mattah... all same.'

[shmoov69]

BTT!!

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.

They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, shot with a 7mm Mag rifle." He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills several more times, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home drunk and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.

He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but I think I'd remember a brawl. Where did I get this black eye?"

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, 'Skunk, killed with an axe"

[shmoov69]

The sex between the wife and me had been a bit unsatisfying of late,

so she told me, "Go to the pharmacy and get some of those pills that

will help you to get an erection."

You can imagine her reaction when I came back from the drug store and

tossed her the diet pills!

......almost got me killed!

[shortrack]

How do they serve drinks on an Italian cruise ship???

on the rocks!

[shmoov69]

Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, took a
lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch.*
Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.*
He said: “How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my
fiancé, Lena, is still a virgin - in every vay.”
The doctor told him” “Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let
it heal & keep it straight.*
It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you can.”*
He took four tongue depressors & formed a neat little 4-sided splint & taped
it all together...quite an impressive work of art.
Olaf mentioned none of this to Lena, married her & they went on their
honeymoon to Duluth.
That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her
beautiful, untouched breasts. *
She said: “Olaf... you're the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deeze.”
Olaf immediately dropped his pants & replied:*
“Look at dis Lena ...still in DA CRATE!

[shmoov69]

A redneck was walking home late at night and sees a woman in
the shadows.

"Twenty dollars", she whispers.

Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but decides what
the heck, it's only twenty bucks, so they hide in the
bushes.

They're in there for only a minute when all of a sudden a
light flashes on them. It's a police officer. "What's going
on here, people?", asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife!", Bubba answers sounding
annoyed.

"Oh, I'm sorry", says the cop, "I didn't know."

Bubba says, "Well, neither did I, till ya shined that light
in her face."

[shmoov69]

BTT
C'mon guys!! Seems nobody but me likes funnies! LOL!



An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said... 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'...
'What is Irish Viagra?', she asked.
'It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'
It was a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor woman exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee, and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arms, he sent me cups and saucers flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex that your husband provided wasn't good?'
'Freakin' jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!

[shmoov69]

Vaseline
A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
“I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”
She said, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”
“If you don’t mind my asking,” he said, “what do you use it for?” “We use it for sex,” she said.
The researcher was a little taken aback. “Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge.
But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?”
The woman said, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out.”

[shmoov69]

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked...

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.


On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

[Timberdoodle]

Little girl walks into the kitchen and ask's her mother if she can take their dog Sally for a walk.
Her mother tells her no, that Sally is in heat.
The little girl ask's her what "in heat" is
Her mother says that she is very busy, to go to the garage and ask her daddy.
The little girl proceeds to the garage where she asks her father the same question at which he stops to ponder his reply.
Daddy picks up a shop rag and wours gas on it and rubs Sally's rear end with it.
Daddy gives the little girl strict orders, as he hands her the leash, telling her to take Sally around the block one time and straight back to the house.
Little girl returns in about five minutes with the leash in her hand and her dad asks where the dog was
She tells her father that Sally ran out of gas half way around the block, but not to worry, there was another dog trying to push her home!

[shmoov69]

Why did Captain Hook cross the road?









To go to a second hand store!!




C'mon guys!! This thing on?!?! Nobody have any funnies anymore?!? LoL!

[Ron Sutton]

That is corny & funny ... just the way I tell them.

[Ron Sutton]

Marketing Explained

The buzz word in today's business world is marketing. However, people often ask for a simple explanation of the concept. Well, my long time friend Susan ... who is single ... explained it me. Here it is -- everything you need to know about marketing.

I'm a woman and I see a handsome guy at a party. I go up to him and say, "Hi ... I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.

I'm at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of my girlfriends goes up to him and, pointing at me, says, "She's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.

I see a handsome guy at a party. I go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day I call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.

I see a guy at a party, I straighten my dress. I walk up to him and pour him a drink. Then say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing my breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations

I'm at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to me and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.

I'm at a party and see a handsome guy. I can tell he fancies me, but I talk him into going home with my friend instead.
That's a Sales Representative.

My friend can't satisfy him so he calls me.
That's Tech Support.

I'm on my way to a party when I realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses I'm passing. So I climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of my lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
That's Junk Mail.

.

[riles]

A penguin walks into a trans shop and tells the mechanic, his car hesitates on acceleration and winds out on the highway.
Mechanic says , "It'll be a while, I'll look at the car as soon as a lift opens".
Penguin says he'll wait and then decides he'll grab a bite to eat at the cafe across the street.
The penguin is seated and orders the fish platter and at this time he sees his car going on the lift.
The waitress watches in amazement as the penguin digs in with his face and gobbles up his meal.
After the penguin is done the waitress asks if he would like dessert or is there anything else she may get him.
The penguin looks across at the shop and sees his car still on the lift, so he decides to order a large bowl of ice cream.
Again the penguin digs in, face first and gobbles up the ice cream.
When done, the penguin sees his car coming off the lift and asks for his check.
The penguin pays his bill and returns to the trans shop.
The penguin asks the mechanic "Did you find anything wrong"?
The mechanic replies " It looks like you blew a seal".

The penguins states "Nah, that's just ice cream." :rotfl:



Before all you nuns get on your high horse, IT'S JUST A JOKE.

[Ron Sutton]

Lol

[Ron Sutton]

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at
work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in
there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are
in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my
baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them
for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that s*** again."

.

[srh3trinity]

Back before medical school I worked for an Ophthalmologist. One day just before quitting time we got a phone call from a pediatrician at the hospital. Apparently a child had been born without eyelids. My boss stopped for a minute and was in deep thought. He asked "is the child a boy?" The pediatrician responded that he was indeed a boy. The Ophtho asked "has he been circumcised yet?" The peds doc said that he hadn't, but would be tomorrow. My boss told them to save the foreskin after the procedure and that this tissue was similar to the skin of the eyelid. The next day he went to the hospital, took the baby to the OR and successfully created some eyelids from the foreskin. Later at the office I asked him how the surgery went. He said, "everything went well, but now the kid looks a little cockeyed."

[shmoov69]

A little boy was walking down the road dragging some chicken wire. He passes by an older man sitting on the porch and he hollers at the boy and asks "boy, what are you doing dragging that chicken wire?"
The boy yells back "I'm gonna get me some chickens with this chicken wire mister!"
The man says "boy, you can't get chickens with just chicken wire!" And mutters to himself about how dumb kids are today. The boy just keeps on walking.
Later that afternoon the man sees the boy walking back by dragging the chicken wire with 6 chickens caught up in it.

The next day the man sees the boy walking by his house dragging a string and says "boy, what are you doing dragging that string down the road?!"
The boy says " mister, I'm gonna get me some ducks to follow this string and then I'll have some ducks!"
The man says "boy, you ain't gonna get any ducks to follow you home with just a string, what is wrong with you kids today?!?" He keeps muttering and the boy just walks on by.
Later that day, the boy walks by and waves at the man with 12 ducks in tow following the boy dragging the string.
The next day the man is sitting on his porch and sees the boy walking down the road and says "boy, what are you carrying today?"
The boy says I got a bundle of pussi-willows I'm carrying!"
The man says "hold on, lemmie get my jacket!!"

[shmoov69]

There was a magician on a ship. He went through his tricks all day. Then the captain's parrot always told the audience what really made the tricks happen.

"He's using a different hat"

"There's a hole in the table" the parrot would say.

The magician always got mad but couldn't do anything, after all it was the captain's parrot.

Then the ship sank.

The magician was hanging onto a plank and unfortunately was stuck with the parrot. They glared at each other for days.

On the sixth day the parrot finally says "I give up, where's the $@#% ship?"

[Ron Sutton]

Nice one !

[Ron Sutton]

Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 …correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where’s your Ferrari?

[Ron Sutton]

The local college is offering new classes ... for Women ... taught by Men.


Men Teaching Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By December 29, 2013

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM .

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase-- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
(*My personal favorite)
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum ..
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials ... well just one.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

.

[Ron Sutton]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful
leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and
saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$130,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted
last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. T hey will
probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really
a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room
are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

The man turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

.

[riles]

Dang Ron , good thing you're retired. Don't know how you'd find time to build anything.

But that is some funny stuff.

[Ron Sutton]

Dang Ron , good thing you're retired. Don't know how you'd find time to build anything.

But that is some funny stuff.

Yeah ... being married for a long time to a wonderful gal ... and accepting how men & women are different ... makes for for some funny stuff. I laughed good when I saw these & wanted to share.

I'm not "retired" ... I'm just on "pause" for a short bit. LOL

[shmoov69]

This morning I
lucked out and was able to buy two boxes of ammo.



I placed the boxes
on the front seat and headed back home, but stopped at a gas station where a
drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next
pump.



She glanced at the
two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a
sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in
trading sex for ammo?"



I thought for a few
seconds and asked,



"What kind of ammo
'ya got?"

[Hotel Charlie 69]

Haaa.. this is good ****.

[shmoov69]

Got a few from my 7 year old son:
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
Stop holding your breath dummy!!


What's a 10 letter word that starts with gas?
Automobile!!


How does an Eskimo measure the circumference of his igloo?
Eskimo pi!!


What do you call a snowman in Florida?
Water!


What is the hardest part of skydiving?
The ground!


What is the difference between a normal person and a superhero?
Superheroes wear their underwear on the outside of their pants!!


What does one eye say to the other?
Just Between you and me, something smells!!

[shmoov69]

Leroy had been going to the University of Alabama for 11 years and just
couldn 't graduate.

One day, the dean of students calls Leroy in to his office and says, "Leroy,
we 're going to give you the opportunity to graduate. In a month, at half time
of the homecoming football game, we are going to bring you out on the field
and ask you one question. If you get it right, you get your degree. If you get
it wrong, you have to go home without it and not come back."

Leroy agreed to this and ran off to start studying. He studied night and day
for a month. Finally the day came. It was a special day with homecoming
and Leroy 's shindig. The whole stadium was packed with students
and alumni, all waiting to see how Leroy would do.

The dean stepped up and said, "Leroy, are you ready for your question?"
Leroy said he was.

The dean said, "Leroy, what is 3 X 3?"

Leroy thought about it for about ten minutes and then finally stepped up to
the microphone and said, "9?"

Before the dean could respond, thousands of the Alabama students and
alumni jumped up and yelled, "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!!"

[minendrews68]

Billy Bob and Bobbi Sue were out driving one Friday night and turned down this ol' field road and decided to do what comes naturally. Sure enough it starts raining. Bobbi Sue asks Billy, "Don't you think we need to be going, I'm afraid were going to get stuck out here".
Billy Bob wasn't about to let this opportunity go by and tells her "Naw, we ain't gonna get stuck it's not raining that hard". Well, it was and they did!

Bobbi Sue is mad and tells him, "I told you we'd get stuck, and starts crying"

"relax", said Billy, " There are a couple of houses down the road I'll just walk up there and get one of those farmers to pull us out", So Billy takes off walkin'.

As he gets to the first house he sees a light on and decides to look in the window in the door and was amazed at what he saw.

Inside was a old man and old woman. Both were naked and the old woman was sitting on a couch squeezing her T$T and pointing toward the front door.

The old man was sitting in a chair masterbating with a umbrella over his head. Well Billy Bob thought this was too weird and decided to walk another two miles to the next house. Again, he looked in the window and saw a man and woman watching tv and a couple of kids on the floor playing. Billy thought this was an average family so he knocked on the door. The man came to the door and after Billy told him that sure 'nuff he and his girlfriend had been parking down the road and got stuck.

The man agreed to go pull him out but asked, " The old man down the road has a tractor in his front yard, why didn't you go there instead of walking this extra two miles"?

Billy said, " Those people are lunatics!, the old woman was sitting on a couch squeezing her t$ts and pointing to the front door, and the old man was sitting on the couch masterbating with a umbrella over his head".

The farmer couldn't hold it in he started laughing and said " Those people aren't crazy, they're deaf and dumb, She's telling her husband to go out and milk the cows. He's telling her phuk you, it's raining outside".

[shmoov69]

A middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones. The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she’d send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with her friend. She texted:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smiles.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:

I’m on the toilet. Please advise!!!

[Ron Sutton]

Good ones guys !

[shmoov69]

http://distractify.com/fun/fails/the-29-whitest-awkward-family-photos/

Awesomeness!!

[minendrews68]

http://distractify.com/fun/fails/the-29-whitest-awkward-family-photos/

Awesomeness!!

I'm tellin' ya...some of those (if not all) are weird.

[Hambone!]

Here's another one from the same place. They're all funny, but #37 is the best!.

http://distractify.com/fun/fails/the-x-worst-asian-sign-translations-of-all-time/

[shmoov69]

A MALE FAIRY TALE:

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess said, "No!!!" and the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and dated skinny long-legged full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and dated cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was friggin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The end

[shmoov69]

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.


"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."


With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.


"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.


"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."


"I see," the captain says.


Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."


"He certainly is," replied the captain.
"This is the Staten Island Ferry."

[Ron Sutton]

An oldie but goodie. I still laugh at that one. :)

[shmoov69]

Doug Smith is on his deathbed, and he knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him. So, he says to them: "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses." "Sybil, take the apartments over in Pall Mall." "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre." "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the Thames." The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Doug slips away, she says "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property." Sarah replies, "Property? ... the a$$hole had a paper route!"

[Ron Sutton]

Doug Smith is on his deathbed, and he knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him. So, he says to them: "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses." "Sybil, take the apartments over in Pall Mall." "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre." "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the Thames." The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Doug slips away, she says "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property." Sarah replies, "Property? ... the a$$hole had a paper route!"

Nice! That's a new one on me.

[shmoov69]

I overheard 2 guys in the bar the other day.

I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at a bar in Wisconsin Dells.

One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."

His buddy says, "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and
I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."

A fellow about my age (73), sitting a couple of stools
down had also over-heard the conversation. He looked
over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says,

"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that crap!"






Wait a minute.... That's not that funny!!!!

[shmoov69]

What happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4
hours?

I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The
woman I was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she
and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.

She then asked if she could help me.


I said that it was something that I would be much more comfortable
discussing with a male pharmacist.


The lady pharmacist assured me that she was completely professional and
whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she
would treat me with a high level of professionalism.


I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, This is tough for me to discuss,
but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me
a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you
could give me for it.

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute , I'll talk to my sister"..


When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the
absolute best we can do.


...1/3 ownership in the store,

...a company pickup truck,

...a king size bed and

...$3,000 a month in living expenses"

[Ron Sutton]

:lol:

[rat_rod_russell]

My girlfriend and I were in bed the other night when she rolled over an looked at me with "that" look in her eye.

With a tiny devilish grin she said "say something, dirty."

"Dirty?" I reply with a rye touch in my voice as I looked into her eyes.

She blushed a little and said back "ya, really dirty"

So I I reached out quickly, caught the back of her neck and slowly pulled her ear right up to my mouth, and with the low husky wispier I said.

"The Kitchen, the bathroom, the interior of the PT-57 and the garage"

Shortly after that I went to sleep to continue dreaming of being back in the shop working on my new project.

[shmoov69]

LoL! Surprised you woke up!!

[shmoov69]

Thought for the day


Wisdom
It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your balls that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without resorting to violence ...

[riles]

Buddy sent me this one today:

Why do some women wear underwear with flowers on them?

In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.


I'm in trouble for that one.

[riles]

A pretty blonde lady gets stopped while speeding in her little red sports car. The officer, a blonde woman as well, exits her squad and approaches the sports car and asks the blonde driver to see her license. The driver digs through her purse, starts getting agitated,then dumps it's contents on the passenger seat. The driver then stops and asks "what's the license look like"? The officer responds "it's small and rectangular with your image on it".
The drivers continues looking then finds a small mirror, looks at it and then hands it to the officer.
The officer looks at the mirror, hands it back to the driver and responds " You're free to go. But, next time tell me you're a police officer."

[shmoov69]

Sal was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.


On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.


The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.


He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....


Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.



The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!"


"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."


The man broke down and sobbed.


The doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just screwing with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"

[Ron Sutton]

Nice. LOL.

[shmoov69]

How I lost my teeth

Was in a Ft. Pierre, SD Tavern last night, sitting at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on the butt. She said, "Hey sexy, how about giving me your number!
I looked at her and said, "Have you got a pen?"

She said, "I sure do."

I said, "Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you're missing."

My dental surgery is on Monday.

[minendrews68]

Dang Jimmy, you crack me up!! I really like these "just a funny" jokes.


Thought for the day


Wisdom
It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your balls that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without resorting to violence ...

[shmoov69]

Thank ya.... Thank ya vury much!

[Ron Sutton]

how i lost my teeth

was in a ft. Pierre, sd tavern last night, sitting at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on the butt. She said, "hey sexy, how about giving me your number!
I looked at her and said, "have you got a pen?"

she said, "i sure do."

i said, "well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you're missing."

my dental surgery is on monday.

lmao !

[minendrews68]

My best friend called yesterday very down hearted. He started by telling me the story of how he was almost certain his wife was cheating on him.
"What makes you think she's cheating?" I asked,
"Well, he started in," "She's been working late almost every night, We hardly do anything together any more, and every time the phone rings and I answer they hang up. If she answers she goes into another room and talks really low so I can't hear"
"What are you gonna do?," I asked. "well, the other night she called and said she was working late and would be home later, So I waited outside crouched down behind my Mustang 'til she came home." "A car pulled up at the end of the drive way, she got out of the car buttoning up her shirt, zipping up her jeans, her hair was a mess and her makeup was smeared."
Naturally, I didn't know what to say, but he continued on "It was at that moment, crouched down behind the Mustang that I noticed a hair line crack in my lower control arm! Now I'm wondering... can this be welded, or am I going to have to get a new one?"
I thought, man knows where his priorities are..:seizure:

[shmoov69]

LoL!
I'm guessing that most if these are reruns after this many years!

[shmoov69]

A guy goes into the post office to apply for a job . . . The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour." The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am; and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day." The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?" "This is a government job." the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

[shmoov69]

A small zoo in Connecticut obtained a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Danny Zwick, a redneck former insurance industry executive and now part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Danny, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Danny was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Danny showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:

"First", Danny said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Fourth", Danny said, "I want all the children raised in my faith." Once again it was agreed.

"And last," Danny said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00.

[Ron Sutton]

Lol


:rolleyes:

[shmoov69]

A guy walks into a bar and orders two shots of Vodka.

The bar tender says, "...had a tough day?"

The man replied, "Yeah, I found out my little brother is gay".

The next day the same guy walks in to the bar again and this time orders 3 shots of Vodka.

The bartender says, "...another bad day?"

The man replied, "Yeah, I just found out my older brother is gay".

The next day the same man walks in the bar and this time orders 5 shots of Vodka.

The bartender looked at him and said, "Man, doesn't anybody in your family like women.

The man bursts into tears, then replied, "Yeah, My wife"

[shmoov69]

Sally was driving home from one of her business
Trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped
The car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like
A ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into
The car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make
A bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old
Woman just sat silently, looking intently at
Everything she saw, studying every little detail,
Until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's
A bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
Two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
She said:

'Good trade.....'

[shmoov69]

A Greek and an Italian were talking one day, discussing who had the superior culture.
Over coffee, the Greek says:- "Well, we built the Parthenon."
The Italian replies -"We built the Colosseum."
The Greek retorts "We Greeks gave birth to mathematics."
The Italian, nodding, says: "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says: "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies: "That is true, but it was the Italians who included women."

[Ron Sutton]

A Greek and an Italian were talking one day, discussing who had the superior culture.
Over coffee, the Greek says:- "Well, we built the Parthenon."
The Italian replies -"We built the Colosseum."
The Greek retorts "We Greeks gave birth to mathematics."
The Italian, nodding, says: "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says: "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies: "That is true, but it was the Italians who included women."

:lol::lmao::woot::hah::rotfl:

[shmoov69]

A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in
there too long, so she goes in to see what's up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet
reading a book. But about every 15 seconds or so, he puts the book down, grips onto
the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of his head with his right hand.

His mother says: "billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while."

billy says: "i'm fine, mommy. I just haven't gone to the potty' yet."
mother says: "ok, you can stay here a few more minutes, but, billy,

why are you hitting yourself on the head?"

billy says: "works for ketchup."

[shmoov69]

Warning about eBay


Be careful what you buy on eBay.


If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully.


A friend has just spent $295 on a penis enlarger.


The turds sent him a magnifying glass.


The only instructions were "Do not use in direct sunlight

[Ron Sutton]

Lol

[shmoov69]

You know you are a redneck When


1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines. '

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

[Larry Callahan]

Lol!

[minendrews68]

I like it.... I think I've actually seen some of these.

[shmoov69]

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communications with a small twin engine aircraft.
A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.


The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled
"Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had passed out.. I grabbed his cell phone
out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial
memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and travelling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!"


The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately.
"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we will guide you down after a few questions.
The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!".


He began his series of questions.


Tower: "How do you know you are travelling at 18,000 feet??"


Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the dials in front of me"


Tower: "Okay, that is good, remain calm. How do you know you are travelling at 180 mph??"


Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the dials in front of me".


Tower: Okay, that is good. How do you know you're flying upside down​?​




Aircraft: "Because the crap in my pants is sliding out of my shirt collar."

[GrayRaceCat]

I guess Bob like it! It's still here 16 years later!

[rlodad]

Q: Why can’t you tell when your pet pterodactyl is in the bathroom?

A: The P is silent…

[Vimes]

Oh goody, a joke thread. I love jokes.

Q: How do you get down from an elephant?

A: You don't. You get down from a duck.

Thank you, thank you, I have a lifetime of dumb jokes to draw upon.