Just a funny:

[69rs]

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, you know you're from California if:
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
4.! Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.
5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?
9. ! A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S ..
11. Unlike back home, the guy at8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
13. You can't remember . . .is pot illegal?
14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."
15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.
16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????
18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.
19. The Terminator is your governor.
20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.

[Jagarang]

Of course! And then you read the jokes on the backside of the centerfold.

I read the backsides of all the pictures, not just the centerfold!

Whats wrong with you guys!

[6'9"Witha69]

Number 2 is near the situation I am in.
14 and 16 has been like the last 2 weeks here!

[toxicz28]

I read the backsides of all the pictures, not just the centerfold!

Whats wrong with you guys!
I prefer to read the "front sides" of the girls myself! :naughty:

[stonebreaker]

An elderly man goes to his doctor. Doc, he says, I need your opinion. I need you to watch me having sex. What's wrong? says the doc. I don't know, I just need you to take a look and give me your opinion. So, the guy brings in his old lady, they get up on the examination table, and he gets down to business with the doctor looking on and taking notes. After they finish, he asks the doc, what do you think? The doc says, sir, everything appears normal. I don't know what you're worried about - everything's within normal parameters. So the old boy thanks the doc, pays his fee, and goes home.

Next month, the elderly fellow is back. Same complaint - Doc, I need you to watch me having sex and tell me if you see anything wrong. The doc tries to talk him out of it, but the old fellow insists. So, the old girl comes in and they go to town on the examination table again. After they're through and as the old boy's getting dressed, the doc says, you know, if you told me what the problem was, maybe next time I'd have a better idea of what to look for.

Oh, there's no problem says the old guy. We can't go to my house because my wife is there. We can't go to her house because her husband is there. Holiday Inn is $89. You only charge me 50 bucks, and I get $43 of that back from Medicare.

[camaro608]

lol thats a good one

[landyacht67]

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.

The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins"?

The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7.
Why? Do you think they look alike?"

"No", he replies "I just can't believe you got laid twice"!

too funny :lol:

[JoshStratton]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs $10...A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits $10 and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits $10, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener (Aisle 9).
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo (Aisle 7).
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins, they aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart

[muthstryker]

josh you shud read all of them lol something like that has been posted. haha

[JoshStratton]

LOL i have. There are so many that they get lost at this point.

[Bob Johnson]

what do you call a Mexican female with no legs? kuntswaylow......

[Bob Johnson]

You know why God didn't make any blonde *******? Just how stupid do you want one SOB to be?

[baz67]

With friends like this.....

[Bill Howell]

US History Review

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez,
the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.
"Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' "

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand
up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of
the
people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the
earth?" Again, no response, except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln,
1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed!
Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history
than you do!"
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"

"Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The
teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,
1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the
teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little ****. If
you say anything else, I'll kill you!"

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to
Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the
floor, someone said, "Oh ****, we're in BIG trouble now!"

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Finally someone throws a eraser at Pedro, someone shouted "Duck"!

The teacher asked "Who said that?

Pedro: **** Cheney 2006!

[muthstryker]

lol so funny hahahah

[muthstryker]

funny pic i took one night on the way home forgot i had this. this pic was taken in a very very small hick town :P lol just found it funny

[muthstryker]

heres another one i have cool urinal haha

[shmoov69]

Living Will:

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

B1tch...

[muthstryker]

^^^ hahahahaha thats funny.

[stonebreaker]

A guy is 81 years old and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me
up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and
I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give
you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of."
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up
carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said
kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd
rather have a talking frog"

[Bob Johnson]

word is ol Howell is on a new diet...
South Beached Whale Diet..

[muthstryker]

you sure its not the seafood diet?? see food eat it... :)

[muthstryker]

My invision of Bill Howell and Bob Johnson :) sorry i have to pick on you older guys its just fun lol

[69rs]

:lol: Too much hair!

[CAMAROBOY69]

I showed her...

From a guys point of view......
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in
the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel
like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"
I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she
was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and
not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that *****
knows I'm smarter than her.

[6'9"Witha69]

My wife was helping me set up my computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, it told me that I would now need to enter a password. Something I will use to log on to the computer.

I was in a rather amorous mood and figured I would try for the shock effect to bring this to my wife’s attention. So, when the computer asked me to enter my password, I made it plainly obvious to her that I was keying in:


P...

E...

N...

I...

S...



My wife fell off her chair laughing when the
computer replied:



***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

[Bob Johnson]

My invision of Bill Howell and Bob Johnson :) sorry i have to pick on you older guys its just fun lol
what the phuk is an invision? lol look at the position of my hands..it takes two hands to handle a whopper..

[Bill Howell]

which one's me? and what the phuk is an invision?
Must be the old guy!
Actually neither one, too much hair.

[Bill Howell]

:lol: Too much hair!

Wait a minute, I got hair, and I don't smoke.

[69rs]

You don't have hair sticking out everywhere like that dude!

[Bill Howell]

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really
sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you here today.
When I feel like that, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.. That
makes everything better and thenI go to work. You try that."


Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel
great. I be at work soon.........You got nice house."

[muthstryker]

lol xD

[muthstryker]

i was trying to find a pic of 2 old guys sitting on a porch in rockin chairs widdlong wood but i couldnt lol

[muthstryker]

A man called his boss one day and told him that he has anal glaucoma syndrome.

boss says "anal glaucoma syndrome.. wth is that"

man says "i cant see my ass coming into work today"

[Bob Johnson]

We's both born widdlong wood..we jus didn't pull it outta our fly

[muthstryker]

i could soo see bob johnson on a rocking chair spitn' his chew across the pourch into a metal pale "acchgh pfft ting!"

[muthstryker]

you know i used to be a life gaurd, untill some blue kid got me fired.

[muthstryker]

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!

Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.

Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?." Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works

Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 PM Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 PM sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6pm and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"

In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500." Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

*this isnt bill howell* lol

[muthstryker]

forgot 1

there where these 2 midgets that brought some girls back to there hotel rooms, one of the mwas having such a hard time he could get it up. he heard his buddy in the next room yelling here i come again 1 2 3 uhhhh... next morning they both ask each other how the night when, the first midget syas not real well i couldnt get it up how embarrassing, his buddy says you think that is embarrassing i couldnt get up on the bed!

[Bob Johnson]

Bill Howell's so fat he sat on a quarter and mashed a booger out of
George Washingtons nose..

[Bill Howell]

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
She pondered the question a while and then said,"That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Deleware."

[Bob Johnson]

The Reals wife went shopping..she stopped by the shoestore..put her foot on the stool for the salesman to try on a pair of shoes. he looked up her skirt and she had no undies..He looked at her and said he wish he had that whole thing full of ice cream,,he'd eat it all. She angrily stamps out of the store and rushes home. She tells The Real what happened and demands he go to the shoestore and defend her honor and whip the clerk's as*. The Real says..first off you didn't have any right to be shopping for shoes..I can't afford to buy you new shoes when I haven't finished my Camaro yet..second off, you had no business going there with no underwear..and thirdly, anyone that could eat that much ice cream could whip my As* anyway.

[yellowrallys]

Talking 'bout George Washington made me think about where the phrase "you have got to be sh**ting me" originated.
Well, years ago, when George was in the navy, he and his crew was crossing the Delaware, when this horrendous storm hit, tossing their little vessel every which way. During all of this, the popular Corporal James Peters was tossed overboard never to be seen or heard from again. So upon daybreak, a very tired and weak crew, all cold and wet saw land in the distance. They pulled the vessel up to the shore and all piled out. Up on a hill was a building, so up they went to seek out food and dry clothes. As they drew closer, they saw that it was a small house. (actually it was a house of ill repute, if you know what I mean). So General Washington knocks on the door, and the madam answers with a big smile thinking to herself that this could turn out to be a pretty good day, business wise. George asks "mam could you offer up some warmth and companionship for these wary souls?" The madam grinning even bigger now replies "well mister, how many boys ye got out there?" George replies..."Theres thirty one of us..... without Peters." The Madam replies ..."YOU HAVE GOT TO BE SHI**ING ME"

[yellowrallys]

Guy walks up to the movie ticket booth with his little black banty rooster perched on his shoulder.
"I'd like one please" his says to the ticket seller.
"What are you gonna do with that rooster?" the girl asks.
"Oh he's going in with me" guy says.
"He goes everywhere with me"
"Well...he ain't goin' in THIS theater with you'' she says.
"But he goes everywhere with me" guy sez.
"Nope, not this time" sez the girl. So the guy walks off thinking he really wants to see this movie but he don't have time to take the rooster home. So he comes up with the idea to stick him down his trousers. 'Bout half way thru the movie, guy starts thinking the rooster probably needs a little air. So he descreetly unzips and the little guy pops his head out. An older couple are sitting next to the guy and the lady whispers to her hubby that this guy sitting beside her has his "thing" out.
The hubby sez "Well just don't pay him any attention, besides, you've seen plenty of them things in your sixty years."
The lady replies.."Yea, but this one's eatin' my popcorn..."

[shmoov69]

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse,
I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth
was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury,
and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could
think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident
occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife,
Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter
and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There
was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged
nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find
the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it
wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our
new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging
between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I
reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable,
she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like
claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily?? movements, blindly
rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my
masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this
predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was
fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully
impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are
not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen
floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all
snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to
suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to
the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about
my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about,
which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!
Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

[WS6]

guess im a girl cause im laughing my ass off at that story.

[69rs]

:lol: OMG!! :lmao:

[camaro608]

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."

[CAMAROBOY69]

3 funny pics I saw on another forum. :lmao:
1.
https://static1.pt-content.com/images/pt/2006/06/722391369_l-1.gif
2.
https://static1.pt-content.com/images/noimg.gif
3.
https://static1.pt-content.com/images/noimg.gif

[WS6]

I saw the commercial that showed that kid face planting on day on TV. (hell no i haven't watched the show) Normally I don't laugh when people hurt themselves, but I started laughing so hard I was crying and had problems breathing. Thanks for showing me that again. Loved it.

[muthstryker]

your moms so fat her blood type is ragu.

[toxicz28]

Oh yeah, well your mom's so fat her belt size is equator!

[muthstryker]

last time i heard that monica lewinsky and mr clinton where gettin it on in the oval office! your mom is so fat when she has sex, she has to give directions.

[Bob Johnson]

you know why Hitler committed suicide? he got his gas bill

[WS6]

oh man that's bad yet oh so funny.

[Bob Johnson]

oh man that's bad yet oh so funny.
There's a second part to it but it adds insult to injury

[Bob Johnson]

your mamas so fat..I have to get on top..gives me a nose bleed

[Bob Johnson]

I ain't saying Howells girlfriend is country,, but she's been wearing flour sack drawers so long he says her nookie tastes like dumplins..

[muthstryker]

your mommas so black she has to get her tattos in chalk! (im not racist at all)

[toxicz28]

yo momma's afro so big, when she in da car, it looks like da windoz is tinted

[Bob Johnson]

your mamas so short you can see her tennis shoes in her drivers license pix

[Bob Johnson]

your mamas lips are so big she can whisper in her own ear

[Bob Johnson]

your mama has so much hair in her arm pit she looks like she has buckwheat in a headlock

[Damn True]

Memo to all Depts

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a
soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge
erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[Radlark]

So this Koala bear is walking down the street and he decides to pick up a prostitue.....so he picks her up and takes her back to the hotel and he starts goind down on her getting her off the whole nine.

So he is done doing his job he begins to walk towards the front door, and she says "hey wheres my money I'm a prostitute?", and he says "what's a prostitute?"

So she hands him a dictionary and says "here look it up" sure enough he looks it up and it reads......Prostitute- performs sexual acts for money. so he hands the dictionary back to her and starts back towards the front door.

She screams "HEY WHERE'S MY F**KIN MONEY" he says to her "hey lady what do you want from I'm a f'**kin Koala bear"

She says "what the hell does that have to do with u paying me my money" he goes "you got the dictionary look it up"

Sure enough she looks it up and it says KOALA BEAR - EATS BUSHES & LEAVES!!!

[WS6]

Wait wasn't the Koala bear one on one of the previous pages? Doesn't matter, still funny.

[shmoov69]

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.

"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

[Damn True]

Dude, that was funny!

Check this out:


A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:

"Listen,this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain .. do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

[muthstryker]

psst already posted that one :P

[JoshStratton]

An eskimo was riding his snow mobile one day and it started acting funny. He took it into the shop and the mechanic said, 'Go have lunch. When you come back, I should be able to tell you what was wrong'.

So the eskimo leaves and comes back an hour later. The mechanic says, 'It looks like you've blown a seal'.

The eskimo, wipes his mouth and says 'Nope. That was just mayonaise'.

I know, it's a dumb one.

[camaro608]

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he
reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her
seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to
see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking
at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he
replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took
her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having any of
that Brokeback-Mountain s*** in our garden."

[JoshStratton]

As seen by the Germans:
https://static1.pt-content.com/images/noimg.gif





As seen by the French:
https://static1.pt-content.com/images/noimg.gif





As seen by the Italians:
https://static1.pt-content.com/images/noimg.gif





As seen by the Americans:
https://static1.pt-content.com/images/noimg.gif





As seen in Hong Kong:
https://static1.pt-content.com/images/noimg.gif

[SN65]

A salesman, an engineer and a doctor meet in the same bar, after work, every Friday.

After a few drinks the conversation always turns to who has the best dog. My dog is better than your dog. No, MY dog is better than your dog, etc… Finally, after weeks of this ongoing debate, they agree to bring their dogs to the bar and see who has the “top” dog.

They meet the following Friday. The salesman, the engineer, the doctor and a huge bag of dog bones.

They draw straws and the doctor's dog gets to go first. The doctor scatters the bag of bones on the floor and says "OK Stethoscope, time for your consultation". After studying the bones for about 5 minutes, the dog proceeds to build an exact life size replica of the human skeleton.

Not bad, says the engineer, but watch this. He has a big smile on his face as he scatters the bones on the floor and says "OK Slide Rule, remember what you learned in statics 101". After studying the bones for only a moment, the dog beguins to build highly detailed scale model of the Brooklyn bridge.

That’s all fine and good says the salesman, but if you liked that hooey, your gonna love this....

He scatters the bones across the floor and says, OK Expense Account, you know what to do. His dog immediately springs into action, runs across the room, eats all the dog bones and screws the other two dogs....

[Damn True]

I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog(?). On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two everytime you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned. I told her no; "I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt and a car hit me."

[SN65]

braaahhhhaaaaaa!!!!!!

[shmoov69]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor
of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I
kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers
in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver
returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and
spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very
fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your
second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to
him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off
across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this
time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the
Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed
a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last
request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone."

The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him
square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse.

For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE!!!!"

[shmoov69]

My wife and I are watching




"Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we are in bed.




I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"




"No." She answered.




I then said, "Is that your final answer?"




Yes." She replied.




Then I said, " I'd like to phone a friend"



That is the last thing I remember!

[shmoov69]

Knock on the door
A woman, quietly sitting at home one afternoon, hears a knock at the front door. She goes to the door and opens it, a man standing there asks her, "Do you have a vagina?"
The woman slams the door in disbelief at what the strange man had just asked her.
The same thing happens for three consecutive days, so the woman decides she better tell her husband about this man. Her husband becomes outraged and says, "Tomorrow I am not going to work. If the man comes back and asks if you have a vagina, say yes, I will be hiding behind the door."
The next day the man comes back and knocks on the front door.
She opens the door, and when he asks if she has a vagina, she says "Yes".
Then the man says to the woman, "Good. Then please tell your husband to stop screwing my wife".

[Bill Howell]

Knock on the door
A woman, quietly sitting at home one afternoon, hears a knock at the front door. She goes to the door and opens it, a man standing there asks her, "Do you have a vagina?"
The woman slams the door in disbelief at what the strange man had just asked her.
The same thing happens for three consecutive days, so the woman decides she better tell her husband about this man. Her husband becomes outraged and says, "Tomorrow I am not going to work. If the man comes back and asks if you have a vagina, say yes, I will be hiding behind the door."
The next day the man comes back and knocks on the front door.
She opens the door, and when he asks if she has a vagina, she says "Yes".
Then the man says to the woman, "Good. Then please tell your husband to stop screwing my wife".


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I will use that one elsewhere. Damn the luck.....lololololol

[mnchevelle]

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"

"Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad.

The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come see you when we close up."

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"

"One said the young salesman.

"Only one," blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day." How much was the sale worth? "

"Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" Asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to
pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the
new Deluxe Cruiser."

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"

"No" answered the salesman, "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, "Your weekend is screwed, you may as well go fishing."

[shmoov69]

A young blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store she notices a box full of live frogs.

The sign says: "Pet Sex Frogs! Only $20! Comes with complete instructions."

The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. After looking at the instructions...

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

...she gets even more excited, and whispered softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."

As soon as she gets home she follows the instructions to the letter -- but to her surprise nothing happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."

So the blonde calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over."

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says:

"Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time...."

[69rs]

I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog(?). On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two everytime you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned. I told her no; "I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt and a car hit me."
:lol: :lol: :lol:
That's funny, I don't care who you are!

[shmoov69]

You are probably familiar with a story that dominated headlines in the mid
1980s about a boy who was born without a body. His name was Patrick Stanley,
and though he had no torso, arms, legs or chest to speak of, the boy had a
biological makeup that baffled doctors and scientists and allowed him to
survive with only a head. Patrick's parents shunned the initial publicity
that accompanied their decision to keep the boy and with the fall of the
Berlin Wall the media focused their attention elsewhere so the Stanleys went
about raising their son the best way they knew how.

The first few years were the toughest. Medical bills and doctors visits
nearly crippled the family financially. On top of that there were neighbors
who turned their backs on them and churched who labeled Patrick "The Demon
Child" or "Head of Satan." It was not easy for poor Patrick, but the
Stanleys held their heads high and gave Patrick more love than any child
could hope for.

It was October of 2005 when Patrick made headlines again. It was his 21st
birthday so his father took him to Key West for a proper celebration. They
had just watched the sun go down at Mallory Square when Mr. Stanley
surprised his son by taking him to The Bull and Whistle for his very first
beer. The people of Key West did not find anything odd about a young man
with no body, but when they heard he had just turned 21, a crowd gathered to
help Patrick celebrate.

The bartender poured him an ice cold draft and set it on the bar.

Patrick's father lifted the mug to his son's lips, and as Patrick took a sip
his head jumped up from the bar and a neck popped out. The bar patrons
stared in amazement as Mr. Stanley raised the glass again and a shoulder and
arm popped out from the newly grown neck.

Mr. Stanley cried tears of joy and ordered another beer, encouraging Patrick
to drink so more limbs could grow. Pop! Pop! Another arm and a torso
suddenly appeared. Pop! Pop! Two legs with feet and toes came out.

No one could believe their eyes and the bar whooped and applauded as Patrick
stood from the bar and took his first steps. It had taken nearly eight
beers, but he was walking. The boy was walking.

Heavily buzzed, Patrick worked his way across the room - no easy task with
two new legs and 96 ounces of beer in his bloodstream. Suddenly he slipped,
stumbled and fell through the large open windows to the sidewalk outside.
The momentum from the spill kept him rolling into the street where he was
run over and killed by a truck delivering beads for Fantasy Fest.

The bar patrons stood in silence, too shocked by the series of events to say
a word. The bartender finally broke the silence, putting his hand on Mr.
Stanley's shoulder and offering words of condolence, "I guess he should have
quit while he was a head!"


I know, pretty corny, but still......well, corny!:bicycle:

[shmoov69]

Football jokes:

www.yellowbullet.com/forum/showthread.php?t=14997

[Joey_H]

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap??"
"Because he's a liar ... He didn't do any of that chit!!!!!"

[the camtender]

A ventriloquist ran out of gas one day whlie traveling between two small towns.There was a farm house near by with the farmer taking a break on the front porch.He asked the farmer if he had some gas to help him out and he said sure,its around back in the barn.As they approached the barn there was a horse.The ventriloquist wanted to have some fun so he asked the horse how are you doing Mr.Horse?
The horse replied,"pretty good except this farmer works me
hard,really hard!
The farmer,who had been been out in the hot sun all day,thought he was just hearing things.When they went into the barn there was a cow.The ventriloquist does it again.How's it going Ms.Cow?The cow replied,"pretty good except this farmer milks me,milks me all the time!"
Now he has the farmer thinking to himself(man,I never knew these animals could talk)After getting the gas,they walked around the other side of the house where the ventriloquist spotted a herd of sheep.He asked the farmer if he could go talk to them.The farmer said "ok,but them are the lying'es sonsofbitches out here! :secret:

[Jimmy Sean]

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before
Thanksgiving and says,” I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell
you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is
enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
" We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each
other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of
this," She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father:

"You are NOT getting divorced". Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife " Okay," he says,” they’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way!!!"

[muthstryker]

how do you know if your at a bulimic bachloer party?

the cake jumps out of the girl

[muthstryker]

man says to his firend "i think my was isnt being faithfull"

firend "whys that?"

man "she said she stayed at her sisters house last night"

firend "so?"

man "i was with her sister all night!"

[Ummgawa]

A Man is in a Bar. He has been drinking for a few hours, shots and beer.

He drinks so much he pukes on himself. "Damn!!" he sez, "My wife spent twenty dollars having this shirt cleaned and she is going to be pissed!!"

"Hey Dude" the guy sitting next to him sez "Do what I do, stick a twenty dollar bill in your shirt pocket and tell her that a drunk guy sitting next to you puked on your shirt and offered to have it cleaned."

"Will it work?" the guy asked. "It worked for me" said the other guy.

He arrives at home, his wife sez, "You A-hole, you have been out drinking again and puked on your shirt!!" "Nah" he sez. The guy sitting next to me was drinking heavily and puked on me. I was upset and he gave me twenty bucks to have my shirt cleaned".

"But their is fourty dollars in your shirt pocket!!" the wife screams!

"Yea...he crapped in my pants too".

[silverz28]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,
"but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
Not 2 Testicles

[Bill Howell]

:rotfl:

[shmoov69]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey He orders a drink and, while
he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs
some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and
eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard
balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow he
swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...Whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in
sight, the little pig. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He
finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then
leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar ag ain, and has his monkey with him. He
orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While
the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on
the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it
out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he
asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled 'em
out, and ate 'em!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats
everything in sight but, ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he
measures everything first."

[Joey_H]

A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.
He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darring" he says, "I know dis you fus tyne and you berry frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting jus anyting you wan, you say. Whatchou wan?"
he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently, for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I wan ....... numba 69".
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries: "You want .... Shrimp wif Broccori?

[shmoov69]

BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking....... and
one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away...Florida
or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see
Florida...?????"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he
could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just
yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it
to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another
blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the
other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,
"You ARE on the other side."


AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her
body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then
she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and
screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched
made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing
at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was
knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren,
the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled,
"PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said,
"We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their head s.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at
night!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled
the dice and she landed on Science &Nature. Her question was, "If you are in
a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"


BLONDES AND RELIGION
A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12
Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and
asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was
named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

[shmoov69]

Last month scientists released the results of a recent analysis that
revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a
concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain
phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour
period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
Had to sit down while urinating

[WS6]

Survival Guide For Doing No. 2 At Work Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE
Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVEN
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when work taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

CRACK WHORE
Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Tell tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and streaks. Avoid a CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.

[shmoov69]

It seems that most men are actually proud of this stuff! Now women on the other hand..........

[mdprovee]

Trey, that one is HILARIOUS!!

[yellowrallys]

Be careful when doing a Courtesy Flush.....if toilet is stopped up and the water (and turd) becomes high enough to touch that sak.......gotta get up quick!
Also I've heard that members of an alternative sexual preferrence give the term "Turd Burgler" a whole new meaning!

[Bob Johnson]

Be careful when doing a Courtesy Flush.....if toilet is stopped up and the water (and turd) becomes high enough to touch that sak.......gotta get up quick!
Also I've heard that members of an alternative sexual preferrence give the term "Turd Burgler" a whole new meaning!
like the most commonly used pick-up line in a gay bar....can I push in your stool??

[shmoov69]

Two beautiful legs, so long and slender,
Round, slim, firm, and ever so tender.

Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.

Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes as he whispers aloud.

Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.

Soft cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.

'Twas made for man to make his heart sing......

Then he added a mouth, and ruined the whole darned thing!


:attn: disclaimer: This of course does not include car chics!! (for any that are reading!)

[kmcanally]

Men can multi task...
http://www.gofish.com/player.gfp?gfid=30-1000129

[shmoov69]

Not my story, but funny nontheless!

think we need to quit saving our $2 bills and bring them out in public.
The younger generation doesn't know they exist.
STORY:
On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold are a $50 bill and a $2 bill. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about anyone getting irritated at me for trying to break a $50 bill.
Me: "Hi, I'd like one seven-layer burrito please, to go "
Server: "That'll be $1.04. Eat in?"
Me: "No, it's to go." At this point, I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny.
Server: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."
He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them:
Server: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"
Manager: "No.. A what?"
Server: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."
Manager:"Ask for something else. There's no such thing as a $2 bill."
Server: "Yeah, thought so."
He comes back to me and says, "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?"
Me: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"
Server: "I don't know."
Me: "See here where it says legal tender?"
Server: "Yeah."
Me: "So, why won't you take it?"
Server: "Well, hang on a sec."
He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me like I'm a shoplifter, and says to him, "He says I have to take it."
Manager: "Doesn't he have anything else?"
Server: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change "
Manager: "I'm not opening the safe with him in here."
Server: "What should I do?"
Manager: "Tell him to come back later when he has real money."
Server: "I can't tell him that! You tell him."
Manager: "Just tell him."
Server: "No way! This is weird. I'm going in back."
The manager approaches me and says, "I'm sorry, but we don't take big bills this time of night."
Me: "It's only seven o'clock! Well then, here's a two dollar bill."
Manager: "We don't take those, either."
Me: "Why not?"
Manager: "I think you know why."
Me: "No really, tell me why."
Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."
Me: "Excuse me?"
Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."
Me: "What on earth for?"
Manager: "Please, sir."
Me: "Uh, go ahead, call them."
Manager: "Would you please just leave?"
Me: "No."
Manager: "Fine -- have it your way then."
Me: "Hey, that's Burger King, isn't it?"
At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy Comes in.
Guard: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"
Manager (whispering): "This guy is trying to give me some (pause) funny money."
Guard: "No kidding! What?"
Manager: "Get this ... A two dollar bill."
Guard (incredulous): "Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?"
Manager: "I don't know. He's kinda weird. He says the only other thing he has is a fifty."
Guard: "Oh, so the fifty's fake!"
Manager: "No, the two dollar bill is."
Guard: "Why would he fake a two dollar bill?"
Manager: "I don't know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"
Guard: "Yeah."
Security Guard walks over to me and......
Guard: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use."
Me: "Uh, no."
Guard: "Lemme see 'em."
Me: "Why?"
Guard: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"
At this point I am ready to say, "Sure, please!" but I want to eat, so I say "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this two dollar bill.
I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I'm taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says, "Hey, Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"
Manager: "It's fake."
Guard: "It doesn't look fake to me."
Manager: "But it's a two dollar bill."
Guard: "Yeah?"
Manager: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"
The security guard and I both look at him like he's an idiot, and it dawns on the guy that he has no clue.
So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink and some of those cinnamon thingies, too.
Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. You get free food there, too.

[Bill Howell]

Great story Jimmy, I have a $2 in my billfold that I hold on to for no real reason. Now maybe I know why.....lol

[osdmike]

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.


An Italian police officer stops them and says:
"Itsa illegala to putta five-a people in a Quattro!"


"Vot do you mean, it's illegal?" the German driver asks.


"Quattro means four!" the policeman answers.


"Quattro iz just ze name of ze fokken automobile" the German shouts...


"Look at ze dam paperz: Ze car is dezigned to carry 5 people!"


"You canta pulla thata one on me!" says the Italian policeman.
"Quattro meansa four. You havea five-a people ina your car and you are therefore breaking the law!"


The German driver gets mad and shouts "You ideeiot! Call ze zupervizor over!


Schnell! I vant to spik to zumvun viz more intelligence!!!"


"Sorry" the Italian says, "He canta comea. He'sa buzy with a two guys in a Fiat Uno."

:screwy:

"Osdmike"

[shmoov69]

A young man shopping in a supermarket
Noticed a little old lady following him around.

If he stopped, she stopped.
Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout,
And she turned to him and said,
"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease;
it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out
"Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store,
It would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout,
And as she was on her way out of the store,
The man called out,

"Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled
Back at him

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine
Into someone's day, he went to pay for his
Groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much ...
I only bought 5 items.."

The clerk replied,
"Yeah, but your Mother said
You'd be paying for her things, too."
Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!

[shmoov69]

SAD NFL NEWS

The NFL announced today that for financial reasons
they had to eliminate one team from the league.

So they've decided to combine the Green Bay
Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team,
causing many layoffs but saving millions of dollars in costs,

they will be known as the..........

TAMPACKS.

Unfortunately, they're only good for one period

and have no second string...


Bada bing!

[shmoov69]

After coming back from a trip to Toronto, I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. Short line. Just one guy in front of me. An Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated. He asked the teller, "Why it change? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla for yen. Today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations". The Asian guy snapped back and said, "Fluc you white people too!"

[shmoov69]

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the
couch,
Totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume
Filled the
room.
What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to
come home from work," the
daughter-in-law
Answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It
excites
him To no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he
instantly
becomes Romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get
enough
of Me."

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her
best perfume,
Dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on
the couch waiting
For her
husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her
laying
There so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

[shmoov69]

One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the
middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to
answer her, a peanut fell into his ear.

He tried and tried to dig the peanut out, but only succeeded in pushing it
deeper into his ear. He called his wife for assistance, andafter hours of
trying to remove the peanut, they became worried and decided to go to the
hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with
her date.

After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he
could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down. The young man then shoved two
fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father
blew, the peanut flew out, and everyone was pleased.

The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took him
into the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father, exclaiming, "That
was wonderful! Isn't he intelligent? What do you think he'll be when he
grows older?!"

The father replies, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"

[shmoov69]

A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.

The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."

[shmoov69]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.They couldn't do it while he
waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket anda gallon of paint. He then
stopped by the feedstore and picked up acouple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the
store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was
lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" The farmer said, "Well, as a
matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one
hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to
defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my
skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an, a gallon of paint, two
chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the
bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

[WS6]

hahaha thanks Jimmy those were good

[shmoov69]

The son in law is my fav! Glad I don't have a daughter! LOL!

[shmoov69]

One Sunday Morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of
the church staring up at the large plaque. It was covered with names with
small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the
pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good
morning Alex."

"Good morning, Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque.

"Pastor, what is this?" he asked the pastor.

The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women
who died in the service."

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked,
" Which service, the 8:00 or the 10:30?"

[Larry Callahan]

PRICELESS!!!!!


This could happen to you.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the
other stall saying,

"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom
but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat
embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking
this is too bizarre so I say,
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can
when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I
could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them,
"No.......I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in
the other stall who keeps answering all my questions."

[shmoov69]

The Keystone light commercial is about the best that I have seen that resembles that!

http://video.google.com/url?docid=-5599236629905762348&esrc=sr1&ev=v&q=keystone+light&vidurl=http://www.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3DskuD830cl9Q&usg=AL29H21_mmWBPdmuozO8fkoHr5R3CXJnng

I am sure that MOST of us can relate to that situation! DOOH!!

[muthstryker]

haha larry that was good. and shmoov yes im sure alot of us can relate.

A man walks into his office, and his receptionist says to him "did you leave your garage door open this morning?" he looked at her funny and went to his office.

He relized his zipper was down, went back out to her asked her "so did you see my hummer parked in my garage"

She replies "no I saw a mini van and 2 flat tires"

[shmoov69]

ROSWELL INCIDENT 1947

I thought you would appreciate this little blurb of nonfiction.
Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claimed that an
unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep
and cattle ranch just outside Roswell , New Mexico .

This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered
up by the U.S. Air Force and the federal government.

However, you may NOT know that in the month of March 1948, exactly
nine months after that historic day, Albert Arnold Gore, Jr.,
Hillary Rodham, John F. Kerry, William Jefferson Clinton, Howard
Dean, Nancy Pelosi, Dianne Feinstein, Charles E. Schumer, and
Barbara Boxer were born.

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep?...This piece of
information may clear up a lot of things.

[shmoov69]

New Product Announcement

Apple Computers announced today that it has developed a computer chip that
can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The iBreast will cost between $499 and $599. This is considered to be a
major breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring
at their breasts and not listening to them.

Thanks to Apple, everyone is now happy.

[shmoov69]

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed Beside his sleeping wife,
and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St.
Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph."

Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be!
I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back,
and that is as a chicken."

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near
his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers,
clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh?
How's your first day here?"

"Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling
inside.
Like I'm gonna explode!"

"You're ovulating," explained the rooster.
"Don 't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"

"Never," said Ralph. "Well, just relax and let it happen,"
says the rooster. "It's no big deal."

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon
laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his
head, and heard his wife shout.....

"Dangit, Ralph! Wake up. You're $hitting in the bed!"

[shmoov69]

THE DOG'S DIARY

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


THE CAT'S DIARY: day 983 of my captivity

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed
hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the
rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to
keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an
attempt
to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated
a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this
would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my
capabilities. However, they merely make condescending comments about
what a "good little hunter" I am.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However,
I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my
confinement was due to the power of "allergies". I must learn what this
means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try
this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and
seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The
bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards
regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors
have
arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe,
for now...

[Turbo T]

Some oldies but goodies:

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are on the run from the law when they find an old barn to hide out in. The police are close on their tails, so when the women find three big burlap sacks, they immediately jump into them. About a minute later, a policeman comes into the barn and sees the suspicious-looking sacks. He kicks the first one.

"Meow," says the redhead.

"It must be a cat," thinks the policeman and he kicks the second sack.

"Woof," says the brunette.

"Must be a dog," thinks the policeman and he kicks the third sack.

The blonde yells out, "potatoes!"

-------------------------------------------------

Yo momma so fat, when she tried to get on the Ark, Noah leaned out the window and yelled "we only need one of those!"
Yo momma so fat, her blood type is Ragu.
Yo momma so fat, she wears an asteroid belt.
Yo mama's so fat, she fell in love and broke it.
Yo mama's so fat, she sat on an Oreo and unlocked the magic.

-------------------------------------------------

The White House press secretary is giving an update on a story about a car bombing in South America, and one of the reporters asks him about the casualties. He responds with, "Our initial reports are very limited in scope, and so far we only know of 5 Peruvians seriously injured, and at least one Brazilian dead." George W. gasps and blurts out, "Dear lord this is terrible! How many is a brazilian!?"

[WS6]

Murphy's Lesser-Known Laws
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

6. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

7. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.

8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[James OLC]

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said,
"Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."

"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead."

"Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[shmoov69]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a
show in a small town in Arkansas.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb
blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and
starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the color of a persons hair have to do with her worth
as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me
from being respected at work and in the community and from
reaching our full potential as a person.You and your kind continue
to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women
in general, and all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde
yells,
"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little ***** on your
knee!"

[shmoov69]

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea,"

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know crap?"

[shmoov69]

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his
friends late one night, and led the way to his bedroom where there was
a big brass gong and a mallet.

"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied.

He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and
stepped back. The three stood loo king at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You
a$$hole...it's three-fifteen in the morning!"

[shmoov69]

One Star Hangover (*)

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function
relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5
diet cokes and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a
steak & fries.


Two Star Hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but
you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are
chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still
tossing around the fruity pancake from the 2:00 AM I HOP
excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your
bowels.


Three Star Hangover (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not
productive. Anytime a guy walks by wearing cologne you gag because it
reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends
dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in
your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of
water,
3 iced teas and a diet Coke--yet you haven't peed
once.


Four Star Hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or
else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being
late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice
clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one leg and it
looks like you put your make-up on
while riding the bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein,
and even your hair hurts. Your ass is in perpetual spasm, and
the first of about five ****s you take during the day brings water
to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****)

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the
employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore
and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your
mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop
fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate spit so your tongue is
suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger
was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to take a dump results
in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'Floater'
thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'Floater' seems to be to splash the
toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now...
*****

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon
*****

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity; British Constitution; Passive-aggressive disorder;
Loquacious; Transubstantiate
*****


THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

1.) Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2.) Nope, no more booze for me.
3.) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4.) Good evening officer isn't it lovely out tonight.
5.) Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

[shmoov69]

A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by two female
teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was
decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go
with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants,
and began hoisting the little boys up one by one holding onto their "wee wees" to direct the flow.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher
said, "You must be in the 4th grade."

"No, ma'am, " he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the
seventh."

[Ralph LoGrasso]

:lol:

[Joey_H]

A 78 year old man goes in for a physical. His doctor finishes the exam and reports all is well. The doc asks the old timer, "Say would you mind participating in a study I’ve been working on? My findings could be important”. “What do I have to do?” asked the old timer. The doc replied, “I need a semen sample, here’s a bottle for the sample and there’s a nice selection of porno in the bathroom out in hall. “ “Oh no!” said the old timer, “I couldn’t do that here, I’d be too embarrassed!”. “Not a problem” said the doc, “take the bottle home and bring it back tomorrow”. So off went the old timer.
He returned the next day with an empty bottle. The doc sent him home telling him not to be anxious, to let nature take its course, and come back the next day.
He returned the next day, once again with an empty bottle. “I’m sorry doc but I just couldn’t do it. I tried right handed, and then I tried left handed. My wife tried, with her hands, and with and without her teeth too. Heck I even got the next door widow women to give it a go, even she couldn’t do it. And she tried it between her big tits too!”
The doc was aghast at hearing this, “You had your neighbor try?”.
“Yep!” Said the old timer, “No matter what we did we just couldn’t get the top off that damn bottle!!”.

[shmoov69]

The Doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches."

The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.
He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need ... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefl y and said, "Let's see...size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!", the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, and it was a perfect fit. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, " How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's see.. size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6

Second Opinion - PRICELESS

[Ralph LoGrasso]

lol

[BMF Machine]

Ol howell had a couple of gay guys living in one of his houses in Pigeon Forge. They both died of aids and there was no one to handle their affairs. So good ol Bill decided to take care of it. He couldn't get any of the tradition funeral homes to touch them..They wanted nothing to do with aids. So ol Bill decides to see a taxidermist. He discusses it with the taxidermist and the taxidermist asks Bill if he wants them mounted..Bill said no I think holding hands will be sufficient.


Quit it Bob, you r killn me!!! I can't quit laughing! lol

Sorry Bill; I don't care who ya are, that right there is FUNNY! :hah:

[6'9"Witha69]

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. His wife said, "Honey, you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said. The wife handed him the card and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and collapsed.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without! Request bread.

[WS6]

This is going to be me when I grow up.



Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day I went down town and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08."
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.

[Scatpack]

Oh man, that guy is going to be hugely disapointed.....

[6'9"Witha69]

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood , "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum , "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss

The Moral of the story?
The a$$ hole is usually in charge!

[6'9"Witha69]

There was a meeting of all kinds of Engineers. One of the topics that came up was what type of engineer was ultimately responsible for the human body.
A mechanical engineer claimed that it was a mech engineer, "look at the joints and use of tendons and ligaments for motion".
A chemical engineer exclaimed that his type were best represented by the use of fluids throughout the body and the important jobs they perform.
An Electrical engineer interjected that it was clearly an Electrical engineer due to the way the nervous system was created to relay information.
Unable to reach an agreement, someone in the back decided to elect civil engineers as the overall designers of the Human body. The statement was simple:
"Who else would run a sewer pipe down the middle of a recreational area?".

[shmoov69]

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but
nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.
The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"
The medicine man replies:"All you or your partner have to say is '1234', and it will go down. But be warned -- it will not work again for another year!"
Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her, says, "123."
He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life ... just as the medicine man had promised.
Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"

And that, my friends, is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a
preposition.

[PARKERRS]

A farmer in Alabama about 30 years old has 5 children already, after talking about it with his wife they decide they can't afford any more kids. The next morning he goes down to the doctors office and explains the situation, the doctor says no problem we'l just do a vasectomy. After looking at the poor farmers record he turns and says, I see you are a farmer and have very little money. The man says yes thats why we can't afford any more children. The doctor says I'll save you the cost of this procedure, on the way home stop and buy a six pack of beer and an m-80 fire cracker. When you arrive home drink the beer, on the last can light the firecrackerand place it in the can then count to ten and you will be fixed.
The man left the office and thought this can't be right, so he decided to get a second opinion. The next day the farmer drove over to Georgia and saw a doctor. The doctor heard his story and said no problem you just need a vasectomy. After reading the mans chart he turned and said I see you might not be able to afford this procedure so I'll save you the money. On the way home buy a six pack and the largset most powerful firecracker you can find. When you get home drink the beer, on the last can light the firecracker, place it in the can and count to ten and you will be fixed.
This still sounded odd but the man figured he had the same instructions from two doctors, so on the way home he stopped and purchased a six pack and the firecracker. When he got home he sat down on the edge of the front porch and drank the beer. On the last beer he lit the fire cracker and placed it in the can. He began to count on his fingers,1-2-3-4-5, sat the can between his legs and started on the other hand, 7-8- :pat:

[WS6]

HER FIRST PAY CHECK

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little

5-year-old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that

we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time...

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a

construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all

the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the

workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or

less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let

her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her

little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope

containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her

mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that

they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day

to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the

little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young

age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew

building the house next door to us.

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the

house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those *******s at Home Depot ever

deliver the damn sheet rock..."

Stories like this just bring a tear to your eye.

[Samckitt]

A blond lawyer is on her way to a court case when she spots a woman in a row boat out in the middle of a wheat field. Then she realizes the woman is blond as well. Which really ticks her off. So she slams on the brakes & yells "You stupid b!tch, it's blonds like you that gives blonds like me a bad name." "And if I could swim I would come out there & kick your a$$!"

[Young Gun]

So one night a baby seal walks into a club....

[Samckitt]

Young Gun, Oh that was bad.

[Joey_H]

In the Old West a three legged dog walks into a saloon and proclaims, "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw!!".

[WS6]

oh god that's even worse hahahahahaha

[Damn True]

A blond lawyer is on her way to a court case when she spots a woman in a row boat out in the middle of a wheat field. Then she realizes the woman is blond as well. Which really ticks her off. So she slams on the brakes & yells "You stupid b!tch, it's blonds like you that gives blonds like me a bad name." "And if I could swim I would come out there & kick your a$$!"


Are you BLOND?

[shmoov69]

God showed up on the day Adam and Eve had sex for the
first time. God found Adam laying down relaxing, but
could not see Eve. God asked Adam, "How did you like
sex?" Adam replied, "It was fantastic and I want to
do it again." God inquired, "I'm glad, but where is
Eve so I can ask her what she thought about sex?" Adam
told him she was down at the creek getting cleaned up.
God replied, "Great!!!! Now I will never get the smell
out of those fish!"

[WS6]

THE PHONE CALL!!!!!!!

"Hello?"

"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says,

"But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room

with Mommy, right now."

****Brief Pause**** *

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.

Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs

and knock on the bedroom door

and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car

just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed

with no clothes on and ran around screaming.

Then she tripped over the rug,

hit her head on the dresser

and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!!

What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed

with no clothes on, too.

He was all scared

and he jumped out of the back window

and into the swimming pool.

But I guess he didn't know

that you took out the water

last week to clean it.

He hit the bottom of the pool

and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?

Is this 486-5731?"

[muthstryker]

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son John


P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.

[osdmike]

Letter of the day !

Dear Miriam,
The other day I .......

http://roflsaurus.com/users/public/w42728problems49.jpg

:lmao:

"Osdmike"

[WS6]

I was in an accident this afternoon. Nothing really serious but I took my eyes off the road for a second and rear-ended a car.

We pulled over and got out, and the other driver was a DWARF!!

He was pissed!

He stomped back to me, looked up at me and said "I am NOT happy!"

I said, "Okay, then, which one are you?"

[Ralph LoGrasso]

Lol

[TonyL]

A woman in her fifties is at home happily jumping unclothed on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year old."

The husband replies, What did he say about your 55 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

[shmoov69]

what does a woman do when she gets home from the battered women shelter?










The dishes if she knows what is good for her!!!


Bada bing! LOL!

[Joey_H]

Three old-timers are sitting on a park bench, one of them sighs out loud and says, "You know it really stinks to be old! This damn constipation is killing me! Every day, I wanna go and I try to go and I can't! It really sucks to be old."
One of the other oldsters says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. This damn prostate of mine must be as big as a grapefruit. Every day I stand over the toilet and I wanna pee, I gotta pee, and I'll be lucky if I get a little bitty trickle that most times winds up on my shoe. Old-age is the pits!!".
The third oldster thinks for a moment and says, I'm with you fellers! Everyday exactly at 6am on the dot I take a big healthy dump and a righteous piss like a racehorse. Every day at exactly 6am!!"
The other two look at each other and say, "Well, whats wrong with that?" The third oldster says, "I don't get up until 7!" :naughty:

[absintheisfun]

my all-time favorite:

A woman goes into a sex-therapists office and complains that sex with her husband is boring and not frequent enough.
After a few consultations the therapists gives her a bottle of "experimental pills" instructing her to put one pill in your husbands morning coffee...when he gets home, they should have taken effect.

Well, she came back a few days later and was completely beside herself stating that this was a miracle, and she had better sex than she ever though possible--truly a religious experience.

"What if I gave him two?"

"Shouldn't be a problem, just keep me informed."

She comes back a few days later and at this point she can not say enough good things....oh my God it was amazing..OH MY GOD!!!!!--

"What if I gave him five?"

"I think that is a little risky--these are, after all "experiemental.."

"Too bad--already did it!"

A few days later she shows up with a severe limp.

OH MY GOD!!! OH MY GOD!!! OH MY GOD!!!

"There are 12 pills left...I put them all in his coffee this morning because this has to be the best thing in the world!

"YOU DID WHAT?--THIS IS VERY UNSAFE!"

"But its ooooooohhhhhh soooo fun!" and with that she asked for more pills.

The doctor refused and she left in a huff.

About a week goes by and the doctor doesn't hear from the woman, but a 12 year old kid shows up at the doctors office---

"Are you the #$%^&*! that gave my mom the bottle of experimental pills?"

"Yes, how are things going?"
-
-
-
"Well, let me see...My Mom is dead, My sister is pregnant, My A$$hole hurts, and Dad's in the corner going, "here kitty, kitty, kitty!"

[shmoov69]

Eeeewwwww!

[harshman]

my all-time favorite:

....and Dad's in the corner going, "here kitty, kitty, kitty!"

:yum:

dayyyym that was funny!!!:lol: :lol: :lmao: :lmao:

[406 Q-ship]

I don't care who you are.....thats funny

[jknight16]

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a Woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

[Joey_H]

Two Texas farmers, Bubba and Jimbo, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.
Bubba turns to Jimbo and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college, and sign up for some classes." Jimbo thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Bubba goes down to the college and meets with the Dean of Admissions who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Bubba says. "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
"Yeah."
"Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"Yes, I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing; you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."
Excited to take the class now, Bubba shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Jimbo at the bar. He tells Jimbo about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Jimbo says, "What's that?"
Bubba says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?"
"No."
"Then you're a queer!"

[shmoov69]

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
>A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
>David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a
>Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

[camaro608]

lol i love this tread

[6'9"Witha69]

WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12?

A man walks into a drug store with his 10 year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for the high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March....... ........"

[6'9"Witha69]

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,

'Wait just a moment!'

She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,

'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'

The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'

'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'

[Joey_H]

A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say, "Supersex! Supersex!"
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she again said,
"Supersex!"
He sat silently for a moment or two looking up at her and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

[shmoov69]

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in
fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began
hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but
they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with
hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into
a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly
milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"

[shmoov69]

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two
statues faced each other for many years.

Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the
two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many
people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of
life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." And with that command,
the statues came to life.

The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove
behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the
two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping.

After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and
smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You
still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it
again?"

Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon
down and I'LL poop on it's head!"

[yellowrallys]

A professor at West Virginia University was giving a lecture of the
supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?".

About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of
those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a
ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further "Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture,
no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make
his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex
with a ghost?"

Bubba replied, "Shiiiit! From way back thar I thought you said "Goats."

[yellowrallys]

Subject: The Evolution of Teaching Math Since the 1950's


1. Teaching Math In 1950
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970
Logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)

6. Teaching Math In 2007
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Jose maka $20.00.

[jb@ridetech]

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills.
The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could
blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.[/B]
The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced 'Bear.' Then he felt the
bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle.' He was right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, 'Elk, shot with a 7mm Mag rifle.' He was right again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a
round of drinks. Finally he staggered home drunk out of his mind and went to sleep.

The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, 'I know I was drunk last night, but I think I'd remember a brawl. Where did I get this black eye?'

His wife angrily replied, 'I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, 'Skunk, killed with an axe.'

[shmoov69]

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry! I have two buddies
sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it s 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."

So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him."

[Damn True]

You gotta have a little bit of rural experience to get this but:



John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called "pullets", and ten roosters.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too.

But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

[Damn True]

The Redneck and the Gorilla

A small zoo in Oklahoma acquired a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla
was in heat and to make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton,

a redneck part-time worker at the zoo. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks,
had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached
with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Bobby Lee showed some interest but said he would have to think the
matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept
their offer but only under four conditions:

1. "First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."
The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

2. "Second", he said, "You can't never tell no one about this."
The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

3. "Third," Bobby Lee said, "I want all the chil'drun raised as
Baptist."
After a little chuckle, once again it was agreed.

4. "And last of all", Bobby Lee stated,
"You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.00"

[shmoov69]

Two business men in NY are sitting down for a break in
their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store isn't ready -- only
a few shelves are set up.
One says to the other, "I bet any minute now some tourist
is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what
we're selling."
No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure
enough, a curious hillbilly from the south walks to the window,
has a peek, and in a Southern drawl asks, "What're y'all sellin'
heah?"
One of the men replies, "Oh! We're selling a$$holes here.
Without skipping a beat, the southerner says, "Well, I see
y'all're doing really good, you only got two left!"

[shmoov69]

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

************************* *****

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

************************* *

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon :
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"

*********************** ***

At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."

************************* *

On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

***************** *********

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

************************* *

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

************************* *

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

************************* *

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

************************* *

At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
You've come to the right place."

************************* *

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

************************* *

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

************************* *

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet"
"Miss a car payment."

************************* *

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary.
We hear you coming."

************************* *

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

************************* *

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be. "
[de-lighted, that is]
************************* *

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry,
Come on in and get fed up."

************************* *

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

************************* *

At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills"

************************* *

And don't forget the sign
At a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

[shmoov69]

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.
He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she
knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and
you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her
and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again
with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind
me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting
at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink
to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked
her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he
was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No, I wouldn't," he said.

She said, "I sell tampons."

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper
salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"

[shmoov69]

An older man approaches a younger woman inside the
mall. "Excuse me," he said. "I've can't seem to find my wife.
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" The woman,
feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, "Certainly,
sir, do you know where your wife might be?" "I have no idea,
but every time I talk to a woman with boobs like yours,
she usually appears out of nowhere."

[twosaturns]

the hot young West Virginia girl goes and asks her daddy if she can borrow the car.
'sure, darlin', but you know what yah gotta do', her dad says.
'do I have to?' she replies.
uh-huh!
she goes about 'servicing' her paw the way she's had to before, when after a few moments, she stops and says 'daddy, your thingy tastes like crap!'
'oh, yeah', her dad says, 'I loaned your brother the car!'

[Bill Howell]

This is what marriage is really all about.








An old man and his wife entered a cafe.





He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.



The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.

<>




<>He placed one half in front of his wife.




He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.



He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.



As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering.



You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."





As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table.





He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.






The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.



The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.






She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.






Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.




This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."






Then old man finished and wiping his face neatly with the napkin.




The young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and he asked "What is it you


are waiting for?"




She answered


;


;



;


;


;


;


;


;



"THE TEETH."

[Bill Howell]

A health tip!

A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's
office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat around the bush,
You have AIDS." The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says,
"Doc, what can I do?"

The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage,
a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno
peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape nuts cereal, and top
it off with a gallon of prune juice." The cowboy squares his rugged
shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."

[Bill Howell]

Just a little humor from a Southerner ...


North Carolina

The owner of a Wood Shop in New Bern was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from NC State and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my
earrings."


Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting just north of Mobile and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,"
the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal
Henry!"




Louisiana

A senior at LSU was overheard saying... "When the end of the world comes, I
hope to be in Louisiana ." When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in
Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the
rest of the civilized world.




Georgia

A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-75. The trooper asked, "Got
any I. D. ?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"




South Carolina

A man in South Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road,
and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind
it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned
around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I have a flat tire."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the
front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make sense to me neither."




And this is from the South ...

"You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone
retiring to the North!"

[bucks69]

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for.'

[Samckitt]

As a Texan is walking through his field, he sees a man drinking water from a stock tank with one hand.

The Texan shouts,,,,,,,," Hey don't drink that water,,,, It's contaminated with cow crap in it!!!!!!!!!!!

The Man shouts back "Soy mexicano, yo no entiendo inglés. Hábleme español." (I'm Mexican, I don't speak English. speak Spanish to me)

The Texan shouts back,,,,,, "Utilice ambas manos, usted conseguirá más para beber." (Use both hands, you'll get more to drink)

[Bill Howell]

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked
to buy half a head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole
heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some a$$hole
wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he
turned to find the man standing right behind him; so he added, "And this
gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the
manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself
out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here."

"Where are you from, son?"

"Texas, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Texas?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players down
there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Texas."

"No *****!" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

[Samckitt]

That is a good one, I like it.

[Bill Howell]

Subject: A Visit to the Doctor
>
>
> This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are
> there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and
> sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's
> receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a
> room of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and
> I love the way this old guy handled it:
>
> An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached
> the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing
> the Doctor for today?"
>
> "There's something wrong with my ****", he replied.
>
>
> The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into
> a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
>
> "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
>
> The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in
> this room full of people. You should have said there is something
> wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further
> with the Doctor in private."
>
> The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full
> of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."
>
> The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
>
> The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"
>
> "There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.
>
> The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken
> her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"
>
> "I can't piss out of it," he replied.
>
> The waiting room erupted in laughter.
>
> Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose

[David Sloan]

LOL!!!:bananna2:

Thanks Bill!

[Bill Howell]

LOL David, that was in my inbox today and I almost rolled out of my chair.:lmao:

I have been in that position before and trying to whisper to the nurse while everyone is staring at you. Funny indeed. I bet she will be more careful with the next 80 something man. Getting older is great, you don't care as much as you used to about what you say, to whom, and when.....hehe

[WS6]

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."

[camaro608]

:lol: :lmao:

[6'9"Witha69]

A wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the Halloween party alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party.

As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice 'chick' he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and made passionate love in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, 'Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of his life."

[6'9"Witha69]

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...

"Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

[LateNight72]

:lol: :lmao:

[shmoov69]

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole
hole.

One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air
and says,'Yum! I smell maple syrup!'

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says
'Yum! I smell honey!'

The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air,
but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, 'Geez, all
I can smell is...



Molasses!

[Bob Johnson]

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole
hole.

One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air
and says,'Yum! I smell maple syrup!'

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says
'Yum! I smell honey!'

The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air,
but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, 'Geez, all
I can smell is...



Molasses!
damn..is that joke just getting over to Missouri...first time I heard that I kicked 3 slats out of my baby crib..lol..no shi*

[Bill Howell]

damn..is that joke just getting over to Missouri...first time I heard that I kicked 3 slats out of my baby crib..lol..no shi*

Yeah, but you still haven't got over that Molasses, still like the taste?:hah:

[shmoov69]

Heck, I can't remember the ones that I have heard before most of the time! LOL!

[Bill Howell]

A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn't
seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Homer left the house for
the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they
made love. After supper, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.

The problem was their nooner: it took Homer a half hour to travel
home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting
enough work done.

Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.

"Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the fields
with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will
be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time."

They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one day
when Homer came back to the doctor's office. "What's wrong?" asked the
Doc.
"Didn't my idea work?"

"Oh, it worked good," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood, I
fired off a shot like you said and Darlene'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded
place, make love, and then she'd go back home again."

"Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.

"Ah mighta trained her too good. I ain't seen her since huntin'
season started!"

[6'9"Witha69]

Fresh from the shower, my wife stood in front of the mirror complaining that her breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, I uncharacteristically came up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds".
Willing to try anything, she fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," I replied.
She stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat I said "Worked for your butt, didn't it?
I’m still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again although I will probably continue to take meals through a straw.

[Samckitt]

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite.

"At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, Homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?

"He declines. The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib-eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra... I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving..."

[Samckitt]

On a trip to Great Britain, while he was President of the United States, Bill Clinton had a meeting with Queen Elizabeth. During that meeting he asked her, "How does one manage to run a country so smoothly?"

"That's easy," the Queen replied, "You surround yourself with intelligent ministers and advisors."

"But how can I tell whether they are intelligent or not?", asked Bill.

"You ask them a riddle." she replied, and with that she pressed a button and said, "Please send Tony Blair in."

When Blair arrived, the Queen said, "I have a riddle for you to answer for me.
Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child?"

Blair replied, "That's easy. The child was me."

"Very good," said the Queen. "You may go now."

Sizing up his wife's chances in her presidential bid, and thinking back on that meeting, Bill Clinton spoke with Hillary. He said to her, "I have a riddle for you, and the answer is very important. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was that child ?"

Hillary replied, "Yes, it is clearly very important that we determine the answer. Can I deliberate on this for awhile?"

"Yes," said Bill, "I'll give you four hours to come up with the answer."

So Hillary called a meeting of her campaign team, from top to bottom, and asked them the riddle. But after much discussion and many suggestions, none of them had a satisfactory answer. She was quite upset, not knowing what she would tell her husband, the former President. As Hillary was leaving her meeting she ran into her most formable challenger to her presidential nomination, Barack Obama.

So she said, "Barack, can you answer this riddle for me?
Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother.
Who was the child?"

"That's seems pretty easy," said Obama, "I think the child would be me."

"Oh thank you," said Hillary. "You may just have ensured my nomination as the democratic candidate for the Presidency of the United States !"

So Hillary went back to Bill and said, "I think I know the answer to your riddle.
The child was Barack Obama !"

"No, you dumb broad !" shouted Bill. "The child was Tony Blair !"

The bottom line... guess where we're headed with the two of them again running the country!

[shmoov69]

LMAO!!
But....Sad, very sad!!

[shmoov69]

Vaseline
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young
woman

with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the
product?"

She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say
that they

use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in
fact, I know that

most people do use it for sex.



I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell
me exactly

how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on
the door knob

and it keeps the kids out."

[Samckitt]

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years
of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife
went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every
problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had
been married. She went on and on and on: neglect,
lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling
unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of
un-met needs she had endured over the course of their
marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient
length of time, the therapist got up, walked around
the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, he
embraced and kissed her passionately. The woman shut
up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The
therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is
what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can
you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well,
I can drop her off
here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I
fish.

[shmoov69]

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly
Remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy Shop
and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the
display window?" The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir?
We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach
Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie For $19.95,
Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced
Barbie for $265.95". The amazed father asks: "It's what?!
Why is the Divorced Barbie
$265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir...,
Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's
Furniture, Ken's Computer and...one of Ken's Friends.

[a62belair]

A son takes his elderly father to an old-folks home that promises the best care around. When they arrived, the son asked his father to sit in the hallway while he does the paperwork.
While setting there, the old man starts to lean to the right...
A nurse runs over and props him up with a pillow.
A moment later, he starts to lean to the left...
Another nurse runs over and props him up with another pillow.
A few minutes later, the son comes out and says, "great service here, eh dad?
The father said " yeah, but they wont let me FART! ;-)

[Samckitt]

A man, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to his wife, "I feel horrible. I look fat, ugly and out of shape. Pay me a compliment."

The wife replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

[WS6]

Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women
#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN

[shmoov69]

Two Old Men Decide They Are Close To Their Last Days And Decide To Have
A Last Night On The Town. After A Few Drinks, They End Up At The Local
Brothel.
The Madam Takes One Look At The Two Old Geezers And Whispers To Her
Manager,
"go Up To The First Two Bedrooms And Put An Inflated Doll In Each Bed.
These Two
Are So Old And Drunk, I'm Not Wasting Two Of My Girls On Them. They Won't
Know
The Difference."the Manager Does As He Is Told And The Two Old Men Go
Upstairs And
Take Care Of Their Business. As They Are Walking Home The First Man Says,
"you Know
I Think My Girl Was Dead!" "dead?" Says His Friend, "why Do You Say
That?" "well, She
Never Moved Or Made A Sound All The Time I Was Loving Her." His Friend
Says, "could
Be Worse I Think Mine Was A Witch." "a Witch, Why The Hell Would You Say
That?"
"well, I Was Making Love To Her, Kissing Her On The Neck And I Gave Her A
Little Bite,
Then She Farted And Flew Out The Window."

[a62belair]

A man meets a girl, courts her, and finally goes to bed with her. In the bedroom, she says, 'My last boyfriend was Tiger Woods'. He didn't think anything of it, but proceeds with the loving. After the first round, he get up out of bed. She says, 'Tiger wouldn't leave me unsatisfied, let's do it again!'. After the second round, she again repeats 'Tiger wouldn't leave me unsatisfied, let's do it again!'. Weary, he tries to leave a third time, 'Tiger wouldn't leave me unsatisfied, let's do it again!'. He doesn't head back to the bed, but gets a phone book out of the dresser. She wanted to know what he was doing, and he said, ' I'm calling Tiger to see what the PAR is on THIS hole!' :help:

[shmoov69]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she said.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

'That must've been scary', said the teacher.

'It sure was', said the little girl.

'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff,Fffff, Fffff'...
And before he could say 'F!*k,' the rottweiler ate him

[novanutcase]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight towards his seat.

As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out "business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "business." I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at the convention?" "Lecture," she responded.

"I am the lead lecturer where I use information that I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent that are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with the absolutely best stamina is the Southern Redneck"

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.

"I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba! https://static1.pt-content.com/images/noimg.gif

John

[shmoov69]

The other day I went downtown and went into a shop.
I was only there for about five minutes. When I came out there was a
cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, " Come
on man, how about giving a retired person a break?'
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a
"Nazi." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having
worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished
the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then
he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about twenty minutes. The more I abused him, the
more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on
the bus. The car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper
sticker that said "Hillary in 08 ." I try to have a little fun each
day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.

[WS6]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest. "I
>>almost had an affair with another woman."
>> The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
>> The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but
>> then I stopped."
>> The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
>> You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail
>> Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
>> The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked
>> over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
>> The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw
>> that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
>> The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed t he $50 on the box, and
>> according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
>>
>>================================================
>>
>>There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon
>>entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have
>>sinned."
>> The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
>> The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love
>> to me seven times."
>> The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons
>> into a glass and then drink the juice."
>> The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
>> The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
>>
>>================================================== =======
>>An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
>>ensues:
>> Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
>> children,
>>grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college
>>girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them
>>three times."
>> Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
>> Man: "What sins?"
>> Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?
>> Man: "I'm Jewish."
>> Priest: "Why are you telling me all of this?"
>> Man: "I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody."

[WS6]

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. You ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mail's to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up And asks, Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

[shmoov69]

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car.
and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?
Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, I look down at him and say,"Well,which one are you then?"

. . . and that's when the fight started .

[Samckitt]

This Year's First Christmas Joke


Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.


"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,"You must each
Possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."


The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a
Lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.


"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.


The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of
Keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."


Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".


The third man started searching desperately through his pockets
And finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.


St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And
Just what do those symbolize?"


The man replied, "These are Carols."


And So The Christmas Season Begins......

[6'9"Witha69]

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... but she was dating someone else.

One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you." The girl looked at him, then said, "NO."

Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend....! so she called him and explained the situation.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast... he won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, "what happened....?"

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The b*****d had all quarters!"

[WS6]

haha that's great!

[shmoov69]

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in
fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began
hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but
they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with
hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into
a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly
milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"

[shmoov69]

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down
the aisles...the salesgirl notices him and asks him
if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for
a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down
the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking
for tampons for your wife?".

He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I
sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes
and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
paper. So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO
DOES SHE!"

[WS6]

A young guy from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota ."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$101,237.65"

The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fishhook, and you sold him a BOAT AND a TRUCK???!!!"

The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing........"

[shmoov69]

A little Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch doctor of
the
tribe, 'Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white
men
have shorter names - Bob, Don, Tex or Sam, for example?'
His father replied, 'Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a
poem for our culture not like the white men who live all together and
repeat
their names from generation to generation. Also, it is part of our makeup
that in spite of everything, we survive.
For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake,
because on the night she was conceived, there was a beautiful moon
reflected
in the lake.
Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was
conceived on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies
of
the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live
and
the life force of our people. It's very simple and easy to understand. Do
you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?'

[shmoov69]

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. So he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store and gets some Nair' hair remover.
At the register the druggist tells her, 'If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days.' The lady says, 'I'm not using it under my arms.'
The druggist says, 'Well if you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days.'
The lady says, 'I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.'
The druggist says, 'Stay off your bicycle for a week.'

[shmoov69]

> HER DIARY:
>
> Tonight: I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to
> meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day
> long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but
> he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested
> that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't
> say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.' I asked him
> if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it
> had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home,
> I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I
> can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you,
> too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if
> he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and
> watched TV He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with
> silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later,
> he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made
> love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were
> somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do.
> I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
> My life is a disaster.
>
> HIS DIARY:
>
> Missed a big deer today, but at least I got laid.

[shmoov69]

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won?t tell the kids what kind of
meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.
Well, he said, It's what mommy calls me sometimes.
The little girl screams to her brother.
Don't eat it, it's an a$$hole!

[WS6]

To My Friends of the Democratic Persuasion:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best
wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible,
gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday of your choice,
practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion
of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect
for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others,
or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions
at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling
and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the
generally accepted calendar year 2008, but not without due respect
and recognition for the calendars of choice of other cultures
whose contributions to society have helped make America great.
This is not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any
other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. Also,
this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age,
physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishes.



To My Friends of the Republican Persuasion:



Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

[shmoov69]

LOL! Amen!:hand:

[6'9"Witha69]

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Joseph told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike.

[AButler]

A pre-school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word "definitely" in a sentence?" First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue." The teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can also be grey or orange." Then a little boy says, "Trees are definitely green." "Sorry, but in the autumn the trees are brown." Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?" The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!" "OK. Then I have definitely sh*t my pants."

[Chad-1stGen]

This is one of the greatest threads on this site lol.

[Young Gun]

This is one of the greatest threads on this site lol.

i think it deserves a sticky hahah

[shmoov69]

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one good look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.

As he does he says to the woman: "Do you know what I`m doing ?"

"Yes," she says, "you`re checking for any abrasions or dermatological
abnormalities."

"Correct," says the doctor.
He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I`m doing now", he says.

"Yes," says the woman, "you`re checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"That`s right," replies the doctor.

He then gradually proceeds to having sexual intercourse with her. "Do you know," he pants "what I`m doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You`re getting herpes."

[shmoov69]

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a quart of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A while later a Priest came along and asked the boy what he had. He said, "This is the most powerful liquid on earth, it's called turpentine." The priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid on earth is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she will pass a healthy baby."
The boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's butt, he'll pass a Harley Davidson."

[WS6]

http://www.livevideo.com/video/41106D4A3FE9437EA3CCBB234F54373A/tequila.aspx

[shmoov69]

That's pretty good! LOL

[Bill Howell]

As requested, I cleaned it up guys.
This is a joke thread, I happen to agree with the joke in question, but that is beside the point.

Jokes are meant to be laughed at, not get your panties in a wade over.

Back to our regularly scheduled program.

[BMF Machine]

How in the heck did ya do that Bill? :naughty:

[Bill Howell]

majic buttons....hehe

[yellowrallys]

As requested, I cleaned it up guys.
This is a joke thread, I happen to agree with the joke in question, but that is beside the point.

Jokes are meant to be laughed at, not get your panties in a wade over.

Back to our regularly scheduled program.

Would that be the same as getting ones panties in a WAD, Bill?:lmao:
Or is it wadd?
waud
wuad

[BMF Machine]

Yes, it was early, I could not sleep? I had a cyst cut out by my tailbone and was fit to be tied? Sorry again?:hand:

[twosaturns]

not so much a funny, as it is a guide for life.

1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and
wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome.

8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that she has told you to do several times, but is now
doing it herself. This will later result in you asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.

[shmoov69]

As Ben Franklin said : In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is
freedom, in water there is Bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we
would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) -
Bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila,
rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a
purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water
and be full of *****. There is no need to thank me for this valuable
information: I'm doing it as a public service.

[shmoov69]

Lucky night at the bar.
A guy had an interesting experience recently involving an "older" woman he met at a bar.

She looked pretty darn HOT for 62. She was drinking quite a bit and, while they were chatting, she came right out and asked him if he'd ever had a "sportsman's double" - a mother and daughter threesome.

He said no, but she might be able to talk him into it. So she slams back one last drink, wipes her mouth and, looking directly into his eyes, says, "Tonight's your lucky night."


So they go back to her place, she clicks on the hall light right as they enter her place, and she shouts upstairs:
"Mom! You still awake?"

[shmoov69]

A young Alabama man goes to a drug store and says
to the pharmacist: "I got a hot date tonight, an'
I need me
some pertection. How much is a pack a' them rubbers
gonna cost me?" The pharmacist responds: "A
three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."
"TACKS!" the shocked redneck says. "Gawd a'
mighty, don't they stay on by themselves?