Doug Hayashi's Pyramid of Speed

[Damn True]

So here goes the theory:

The Bottom Level of the Pyramid of Speed

Street Racers:
These are the yahoos that you see trying to do smoky burnouts on city streets. They look around for deserted industrial areas so they can "Race" each other in a straight line. They think NOS is cool. They think "Fast and Furious" is a shoe-in for an Oscar, both for best picture, best actor, and best documentary. They post on various Internet BBS boards short stories talking about their "Kills", where they went 0-60 faster than some other car on busy city streets.

Favorite type of woman: Any sixteen year old female who hangs out at those Import car shows and will show some skin, never mind that her skin is pimply.

Favorite Magazine: Import Tuner. Sport Compact Car. Turbo Digest. NOS World.

Level 2 of the Pyramid of Speed

Freeway Racers:
Next to the bottom are these guys. They frown upon Street Racers, thinking that Street Racers are 0-80 mph wimps. Instead, Freeway Racers think that they are cool, as they go 120+ mph and weave in and out of traffic on the highway like a bunch of morons on crystal meth. The problem is that these boneheads have spent money to make their car a little faster and a little noisier than usual, but they forgot one thing: they are going at dangerously high speeds and they have itty bitty front brakes, small rear drum brakes, and they have never attended a go-fast driving school. They forgot the Stop-Fast parts when they modified their cars. Not good when Sally Homemaker in her 6000 lbs SUV makes a lane change at 55 mph without signaling and without looking for cars coming up on her at triple digit speeds. They post on various BBS boards about their "Kills", where they passed some guy driving a more expensive car at 110 mph, saying that they knew that "Name_your_Car" drivers can't drive worth a crap.

Favorite type of woman: Any female that is impressed by them driving 100 mph with a beer in their hand, a joint in the other, and no seat belt on. Needless to say, these guys are usually dateless.

Favorite magazine: High Times. Mad Magazine.

Level 3 of the Pyramid of Speed

1/4 Mile Drag Racers
Next up are the 1/4 mile drag racers. These guys are at least smart enough to take their cars to a formal race track where there are rules, safety regulations, and ambulances for when they crash because they can't figure out how to drive in a straight line. They look down upon the Freeway "Racers" and Street "Racers" as a bunch of immature folks who don't have enough sense to take their need for speed to their local 1/4 mile drag strip. Instead, these 1/4 mile geeks spend their life trying to break the 12 second barrier in their souped up street cars. Sometimes they might even get four runs in a day, and at 13 seconds a run, this means they spent the whole day at the track for 52 seconds of "racing" fun. Kinda like spending $200 on a dinner date, and having premature ejaculation at the dinner table.



Favorite type of woman: Any female that has teeth.

Favorite magazine: Hot Rod, Car Craft, Hemi World.

Level 4 of the Pyramid of Speed

Autocrossers
Next, we have the autocrossers, a special breed among themselves. They frown on the illegal freeway and street racers as wreckless morons. They laugh at the 1/4 mile Drag Racers, as those goons can only go fast in a straight line. Hell, you can probably get a monkey or an 90 year old grandmother than can stomp on the gas and make three shifts in 12 seconds without crashing. Reaction speed of drag racers on the start? ****....reaction speed to autocrossers is learning a 15 turn autocross course the first time by driving out there and not hitting any freaking cones, and making some dramatic left-right-left turns without spinning out (despite the fact that they are going at a blazing 35 mph!)

Favorite type of woman: A female who has the whole day to burn, and can stand a safety cone upright, as they sucker them into being cone-corner workers.

Favorite magazine: The SCCA's SportsCar magazine and the SCCA FastTrack, so they can obey the Rule Nazi's and read and interpret drivel such as this. These guys actually like reading a book of rules about how to go around cones at 35 mph!

Level 5 of the Pyramid of Speed

Time Trialers
Next, we have the Time Trialers, meaning the people that who take their car to road racing courses. Also known as "lapping days". These people are thrown on a road racing track with about 20 other cars, and they are only allowed to pass in the straightaways. They look down upon the illegal Street "Racers" and Freeway "Racers" for obvious reasons. They laugh at the drag racers who can only go in the straight line. They shake their head at the autocrossers, as why would someone want to spend all day in a parking lot to do five runs on a 15 turn course lined with safety cones, and each run only lasts 60 seconds and you never get out of 2nd gear? Hell, at at Time Trial event or lapping day, you may get 60+ laps around a world famous road course, which is 30 times more "seat time" than you get in autocrossing! Plus, in autocrossing, they may disallow your time because your tire is a quarter inch too wide, or you put a different brake pad on, or your springs on your car are a half inch too low. Autocross is racing, but racing Taliban-style, with 1000's of rules of what you can do or not do.

Favorite type of woman: Females who think that their man is a "Racer", since his car actually made it to the pavement of a race track. Never mind that the dude spun his car four times in one day and got dust all over the interior of the car. She is convinced that she dates "Macho Racer".

Favorite Magazine: Road and Track, Car and Driver, Automobile, Motor Trend.

The Top Level of the Pyramid of Speed

Wheel-to-Wheel Racers
The Wheel-to-Wheel racers are at the top of the pyramid. They have big heads, big egos, they think they are cool, and they can be tremendously condescending. Some even have the gall to have their own website touting their latest "racing adventures". They think Street Racers are ricockulous, and that the Fast and The Furious is the second stupidest movie they ever seen, with Driven being the stupidest. Freeway racers are viewed as unskilled morons, but Wheel-to-Wheel racers have been known to occasionally "bait" the Freeway Racers into following them through an offramp at triple digits speeds, and when the Freeway Racer suddenly realizes that he can't control his car that fast in a turn, the Freeway Racer panics, hits the brakes hard while turning, and ends up spinning and crashing into the guard rail, while the Wheel-to-Wheel racer looks in his rear view mirror, and calmly puts another mark on his dashboard, keeping score of "reverse-kills". 1/4 Mile Drag racers are viewed as unskilled folks who can only shift up, and cannot figure out how to master a proper heel-and-toe downshift without grinding the tranny.

Autocrossers are viewed as crossdressers who think that danger and excitement is narrowly missing a plastic safety cone by two inches at 35 mph, and live by a rule book about their car specs that is bigger than the Bible. There is a lot of risk and danger in autocrossing.....hell, if you screw up, you could end up with a couple of plastic safety cones tangled up in your front grill. Does Michael Schumacher autocross? Would he ever spend time dodging safety cones? Did Kimi Raikonen make it to Formula One as a nineteen year old by driving solo in a parking lot? Hell no, Kimi made the leap to Formula One because he was the karting champ of Finland, doing wheel-to-wheel shifter karts, not by driving around stationary cones. If autocross was really exciting, you would see the Cone Dodger's National Championships on ESPN or Speedvision. But no use having an autocross on TV because, uh...quite frankly, no one cares.....

Time trialers are viewed as chumps that can't figure out how to control their car well enough to maneuver in between two other cars at 100 mph in a turn without causing a three car wreck. For it is only the Wheel-To-Wheel racer that put their car within inches of an apex at 110 mph, can brake within inches of their target braking point at 140 mph at the last possible instant without locking up the brakes into ABS or flat spotting tires, that can be within inches of another car's door going into a 100+ mph turn and fighting for position on the pavement, and can control understeer or oversteer with the pedal to the metal coming out of an apex and using the last inch of pavement exiting out of a turn to keep the car from spinning off into the dirt or into surrounding cement walls. If a wheel-to-wheel racer makes a mistake, his car will probably be severely wrecked, other cars could be wrecked, and he could potentially take out half the cars entered in the event with him going into Turn 1 at the start of a race.

Favorite type of women: Hot, sexy women who know that all the other "racers" in the lower levels of the Pyramid of Speed are all really just "wanna-be-wheel-to-wheel racers". A woman with a good stock portfolio is highly desirable, because Wheel-to-Wheel racing is ahhh.....about five times more expensive than any other level on the Pyramid, as your car will break down more, the parts you need to go fast are more expensive, you blow through rear tires every weekend, you probably have to have a truck and trailer to tow the car, you need an extensive pit crew help to keep the car running that that you over modified in your thermonuclear war with other people to get to the top of the podium.

Favorite Magazine: Autoweek, as each week they have in depth coverage of the only true sport left in the world, which is Formula One wheel-to-wheel racing. Everything else in life is just a game......

So the question remains: Where do you fit on the Pyramid of Speed? For all you people who are already hooked on "Go-Fast Crack Pipe", just bite the bullet, throw a roll cage in your car, learn how to control your car a little better, and let's battle it out on the top level of the Pyramid, and let's look down upon all the other "pseudo-racers" from our perch in the Pyramid.....

Not sure how I got onto that rant.

[cheapthrillz]

Nice.... wish I could afford to be on that top tier....

[Damn True]

Me too, me too.

[JEFFTATE]

That's Funny !
But very true ......

I wish I could afford to be a wheel to wheel racer too.

[aray327]

Man, that was a short story, long...

MEN HAVE EGO'S!

Since i like them all (except the illegal endanger those around you type), does that mean i have a big ego?

[Steve Chryssos]

Gosh, the SCCA should hire this bozo as their ambassador. It's such a positive message: "You ain't spit unless you spend cubic dollars and swap paint." Brilliant tag line.

Smells like corner-carvers to me--That hotbed for misguided low self esteem; and tech.

[Mr.VENGEANCE]

ah.. its all about about the dollars.. and as shole egos.

[XLexusTech]

Autocoross... Please... How about Rally and Targa?

[wicked68]

someone had a word for those with overinflated egos that look down on the other types of sanctioned and safe events as being inferior to their own - gasholes

[Damn True]

Gosh, the SCCA should hire this bozo as their ambassador. It's such a positive message: "You ain't spit unless you spend cubic dollars and swap paint." Brilliant tag line.

Smells like corner-carvers to me--That hotbed for misguided low self esteem; and tech.

Oh relax. It's entirely satirical. The intents was as much to make fun of those who consider themselves "above" other motorsports enthusiasts as to lampoon those in the lower tiers.

Case in point:

They have big heads, big egos, they think they are cool, and they can be tremendously condescending.

He's talking about CC.com

Some even have the gall to have their own website touting their latest "racing adventures".

He's talking about himself.

[Steve Chryssos]

The word dooshbag (sic) has been making a strong comeback lately. Many thought it disappeared along with David Lee Roth's hairline. But here it is....Alive and well. Ladies and Gentlemen: Doug Hayashi! Let's give him a big round of applause.

It's hard enough to get people into their garages and behind the wheel of their cars. You're doing your part by documenting 1/2 Trak's build. I'm doing my part by promoting events like Run Thru the Hills and the Motor State Challenge. For hot rodders, the buck stops at auto-X and track days for obvious reasons.

If this mook took time away from his thrilling racing career to actually draw out graphical representations of his "satire", I'm more than happy to spend a coupla minutes expressing my distaste.

[mpozzi]

Hey ... I resemble Level Four and some Five ... LOL.

Cheers,
Mary Pozzi

[JEFFTATE]

Who is Doug Hayashi anyway ????
I thought his pyramid was funny and satirical .
Ha Ha ????

[Damn True]

A guy over on CC.com with a sense of humor. He used to race (w-t-w, TT & auto-x) an Acura NSX, but has been playing with shifter karts for the last few years. nsxfiles.com is his shameless self congratulation/promotion website.

[JEFFTATE]

Oh ,,,ok..
Thanks True ..

[Ralph LoGrasso]

Regardless of the satirical context, Doug Hayashi should construct a Pyramid of Pretentiousness, because he's sitting atop it.

[Damn True]

Duuuuuuuuuuuude it's self deprecating.


Geeeez some delicate little flowers around here.

[wicked68]

Regardless of the satirical context, Doug Hayashi should construct a Pyramid of Pretentiousness, because he's sitting atop it.

can you see all of it or is part of it "obscured" ? lol

[Mr.VENGEANCE]

and does it vibrate?

[Steve Chryssos]

So some people think its funny. Others think it's stupid. Let's leave it that way. Why do we have to agree?