Just a funny:

[Bill Howell]

Tony must have known Bob when Bob was a young man?

[Bob Johnson]

Bill Howell and a couple of Tennessee Hill Billys went Ice fishing in Alaska..They found a good spot, got some supplies and started cutting a hole in the ice..They made several trips to the bait/general store nearby getting blades to cut the ice..after about 6 trips, the eskimo that ran the store said you good ol boys must be catching some kind of fish to be buying all the blades..Ol Bill replied, sh*t man we ain't got the boat in yet.

[Bill Howell]

We never did understand how they fly fished up there either.

[Bill Howell]

I think this was Bob and his bride, many years ago.

A couple had only been married for two weeks
the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on
the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the Refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 Different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of Saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar...You know... they have frozen Glasses... "
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN *****! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS AIN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR!
THAT ***** IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"

and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story

[Bill Howell]

An old man, Mr Lillard, was living the last
of his life in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and
depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if
there was anything wrong.

Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Lillard, "My
private part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and
sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Lillard,
please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Lillard was walking
down the hall with his private part hanging out of his pajamas,
when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Lillard," she said, "You shouldn't be
walking down the hall like that.
Please put your private part back inside
your pajamas."

But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Lillard, "I
told you yesterday that my private part died."
Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it
hanging out of your pajamas?" asked Nurse Tracy.
"Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing."

[Bob Johnson]

I think this was Bob and his bride, many years ago.

A couple had only been married for two weeks
the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on
the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the Refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 Different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of Saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar...You know... they have frozen Glasses... "
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN *****! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS AIN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR!
THAT ***** IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"

and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story

speaking of pigs in a blanket..Ol Bill Howell and I went to one of those Pancake Houses in Pigeon Forge for breakfast..I ordered pigs in a blanket..they brought me a pix of Bill and his sweetie in bed...sorry Mrs. Howell..I couldn't resist..the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

[Bob Johnson]

We never did understand how they fly fished up there either.

I know how you hilly billys fly fish..Ive seen those guys fishing for those big ol catfish by sticking their arms down in the water and pulling up a big ol catfish that has swallowed his arm. Fly fishing Tennessee style is where you unzip and drop the ol pud in the water..in your case that'd be guppie or minnow fishing..they use Howell to catch the bait..

[Bill Howell]

speaking of pigs in a blanket..Ol Bill Howell and I went to one of those Pancake Houses in Pigeon Forge for breakfast..I ordered pigs in a blanket..they brought me a pix of Bill and his sweetie in bed...sorry Mrs. Howell..I couldn't resist..the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Ain't he going to be suprised when he meets Melinda......lol

[Bob Johnson]

Ain't he going to be suprised when he meets Melinda......lol

like I said..the names have been changed to protect the innocent..I know a debonare/suave/classy dude like you would have a sweet honey..my wifey poo looks like one of my daughters..nearly 40 years with the ol gal..she just turned 58..doesn't look the 40..must be the easy life living with me..

[Bob Johnson]

The Real and Howell finally both went completely crazy..they had them in the same insane asylum..next door to each other. The nurse was checking on her patients..she walked in ol Howells room. He was sitting up in his bed..had an imaginary steering wheel in his hand...he was steering away and making motor noises..The nurse asked him what he was doing. He said he was driving to a car show over here in Georgia. She asked him how it was going..he said his car was running great..the weather was perfect..He planned on spending the whole week-end over here. She said told him to enjoy the car show and left to go check up on The Real..She walked in on The Real..He was in the bed just spankin his monkey. She Said..REAL..You should be ashamed..what are you doin? Real said..Phukin Howells wife while he's out of town..

[formula]

Alright, I want in on this...

So Bill Howell and Bob Johnson are out to breakfast together one day at the local diner. The waitress walks up, and man she is a knockout. I mean gorgeous, long, pert, curved where it counts...and she is just all over poor Bob. Well She takes Bill's order first; Two eggs over easy, pancakes, hashbrowns, and toast, of course. Then she turns turns to Bob and purrs "and what can I get for you, honey?"

Without missing a beat, Bob responds, "Well to tell you the truth, all I really want is a quickie."

The girl slaps Bob across the face so hard he sees double, and storms off in a huff.

Bill, after picking himself up from the floor from laughing so hard, turns to Bob and says "I believe it's pronounced quiche!"

[Bob Johnson]

Alright, I want in on this...

So Bill Howell and Bob Johnson are out to breakfast together one day at the local diner. The waitress walks up, and man she is a knockout. I mean gorgeous, long, pert, curved where it counts...and she is just all over poor Bob. Well She takes Bill's order first; Two eggs over easy, pancakes, hashbrowns, and toast, of course. Then she turns turns to Bob and purrs "and what can I get for you, honey?"

Without missing a beat, Bob responds, "Well to tell you the truth, all I really want is a quickie."

The girl slaps Bob across the face so hard he sees double, and storms off in a huff.

Bill, after picking himself up from the floor from laughing so hard, turns to Bob and says "I believe it's pronounced quiche!"

damn dude..you do have a sense of humor..that was good. glad to see you lighten up..funny to see how you stock guys get in a good mood when the market has been good...

[formula]

damn dude..you do have a sense of humor..that was good. glad to see you lighten up..funny to see how you stock guys get in a good mood when the market has been good...

Haha, you're never gonna let that go are ya?

On topic: I'm feeling lazy, so here's my joke for the post. http://www.whoomp.com/articles/163/1...-4-non-blondes

[MoeBawlz]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ
so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I
have never figured out why men think with their head and women with
their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting
into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says,
"I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough
for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who
I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time
with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one
to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.
We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have
thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was
testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even
know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said,
"That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear,
let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't
feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?"

I then said "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just
not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your
shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,
"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

[toxicz28]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall
chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[Bill Howell]

A fellow member found this on another website. I am sure some have already seen it, but it is so funny, I had to copy and repost it here. Enjoy!

This was submitted by a guy who purchased his
lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol &
Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion
was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across
was a 100000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.
The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived,
with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....
WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device & brought it home.
I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and
pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.
I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time;
I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and
forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that
burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad
with only two triple-a batteries,... right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking
on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading
the directions and thinking that I really needed to try
this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for
a fraction of a second) and thought better of it.
She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give
this thing to my wife to protect herself against
a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
with my reading glasses perched delicately on
the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
taser in another. The directions said that a
one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed
to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily
control; a three-second burst would purportedly
make your assailant flop on the ground like a
fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be
wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at
this little device measuring about 5" long, less than
3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries)
thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description,
but I'll do my best..... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie
looking on with her head cocked to one side as to
say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all
that bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second
burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs
to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side
door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed
us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked
under my body in the oddest position, & tingling in my legs.
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds
I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly
thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

NOTE: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with
a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a
one-second burst when you zap yourself.
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-GUN.... that hurt like heck!!! A minute or so
later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up &
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were
on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there???
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, & my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles.
I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

I'm still in shock

[shmoov69]

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke,
when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts
off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day! , Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she
is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand
of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

[shmoov69]

A fellow member found this on another website. I am sure some have already seen it, but it is so funny, I had to copy and repost it here. Enjoy!

This was submitted by a guy who purchased his
lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
........................................
......................................
I'm still in shock

I was just thinking that I need to find that again on the search here because I posted that about 2 years ago or so! Without a doubt, the funniest thing I have ever read!

[shmoov69]

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She put on her robe and went downstairs.

He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of
him.

He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

" What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of
night?"
she asked.
"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were
only
16?" he asked.

"Yes, I do," she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car
making love?"
"Yes, I remember."

"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said,
'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?' "

"Yes, I do," she said.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said,
"You know...I would have gotten out today."

[shmoov69]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up." "Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hitman"

"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

Do you mind if I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic.

I can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom.

Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her...... He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"

He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."

"Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his **** off to teach him a lesson."

The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."