Just a funny:

[shmoov69]

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men,

until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

[camaro608]

Dane Cook is the best

[69Nova]

Dane Cook is the best

Yes he is.

[camaro608]

go buy dane cooks new cd HARMFUL IF SWALLOWED then you will understand

[Bill Howell]

http://www.highperformancetoys.com/f...ead.php?t=6325

Not really a joke, but a cool story I read on my local forum tonight.

[1970cuda]

that's classic

[Modo Innovations]

A blonde and a brunette are driving down a country road when all of a sudden the blonde stops the car. The brunette asked her why? The blonde says look. Out in the middle of a large field was another blonde in a row boat just rowing away. The blonde in the car says" you know, its blondes like her that give us a bad rap, if I could swim I'd swim out there and kick her a$$.

[TonyL]

Sensitive men do exist

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar.

They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.

Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and she asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

[TonyL]

and now a crude one, for bob.

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."

[Bill Howell]

Tony must have known Bob when Bob was a young man?

[Bob Johnson]

Bill Howell and a couple of Tennessee Hill Billys went Ice fishing in Alaska..They found a good spot, got some supplies and started cutting a hole in the ice..They made several trips to the bait/general store nearby getting blades to cut the ice..after about 6 trips, the eskimo that ran the store said you good ol boys must be catching some kind of fish to be buying all the blades..Ol Bill replied, sh*t man we ain't got the boat in yet.

[Bill Howell]

We never did understand how they fly fished up there either.

[Bill Howell]

I think this was Bob and his bride, many years ago.

A couple had only been married for two weeks
the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on
the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the Refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 Different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of Saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar...You know... they have frozen Glasses... "
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN *****! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS AIN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR!
THAT ***** IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"

and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story

[Bill Howell]

An old man, Mr Lillard, was living the last
of his life in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and
depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if
there was anything wrong.

Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Lillard, "My
private part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and
sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Lillard,
please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Lillard was walking
down the hall with his private part hanging out of his pajamas,
when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Lillard," she said, "You shouldn't be
walking down the hall like that.
Please put your private part back inside
your pajamas."

But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Lillard, "I
told you yesterday that my private part died."
Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it
hanging out of your pajamas?" asked Nurse Tracy.
"Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing."

[Bob Johnson]

I think this was Bob and his bride, many years ago.

A couple had only been married for two weeks
the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on
the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the Refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 Different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of Saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar...You know... they have frozen Glasses... "
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN *****! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS AIN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR!
THAT ***** IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"

and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story

speaking of pigs in a blanket..Ol Bill Howell and I went to one of those Pancake Houses in Pigeon Forge for breakfast..I ordered pigs in a blanket..they brought me a pix of Bill and his sweetie in bed...sorry Mrs. Howell..I couldn't resist..the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

[Bill Howell]

speaking of pigs in a blanket..Ol Bill Howell and I went to one of those Pancake Houses in Pigeon Forge for breakfast..I ordered pigs in a blanket..they brought me a pix of Bill and his sweetie in bed...sorry Mrs. Howell..I couldn't resist..the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Ain't he going to be suprised when he meets Melinda......lol

[Bob Johnson]

We never did understand how they fly fished up there either.

I know how you hilly billys fly fish..Ive seen those guys fishing for those big ol catfish by sticking their arms down in the water and pulling up a big ol catfish that has swallowed his arm. Fly fishing Tennessee style is where you unzip and drop the ol pud in the water..in your case that'd be guppie or minnow fishing..they use Howell to catch the bait..

[Bob Johnson]

The Real and Howell finally both went completely crazy..they had them in the same insane asylum..next door to each other. The nurse was checking on her patients..she walked in ol Howells room. He was sitting up in his bed..had an imaginary steering wheel in his hand...he was steering away and making motor noises..The nurse asked him what he was doing. He said he was driving to a car show over here in Georgia. She asked him how it was going..he said his car was running great..the weather was perfect..He planned on spending the whole week-end over here. She said told him to enjoy the car show and left to go check up on The Real..She walked in on The Real..He was in the bed just spankin his monkey. She Said..REAL..You should be ashamed..what are you doin? Real said..Phukin Howells wife while he's out of town..

[formula]

Alright, I want in on this...

So Bill Howell and Bob Johnson are out to breakfast together one day at the local diner. The waitress walks up, and man she is a knockout. I mean gorgeous, long, pert, curved where it counts...and she is just all over poor Bob. Well She takes Bill's order first; Two eggs over easy, pancakes, hashbrowns, and toast, of course. Then she turns turns to Bob and purrs "and what can I get for you, honey?"

Without missing a beat, Bob responds, "Well to tell you the truth, all I really want is a quickie."

The girl slaps Bob across the face so hard he sees double, and storms off in a huff.

Bill, after picking himself up from the floor from laughing so hard, turns to Bob and says "I believe it's pronounced quiche!"

[Bob Johnson]

Alright, I want in on this...

So Bill Howell and Bob Johnson are out to breakfast together one day at the local diner. The waitress walks up, and man she is a knockout. I mean gorgeous, long, pert, curved where it counts...and she is just all over poor Bob. Well She takes Bill's order first; Two eggs over easy, pancakes, hashbrowns, and toast, of course. Then she turns turns to Bob and purrs "and what can I get for you, honey?"

Without missing a beat, Bob responds, "Well to tell you the truth, all I really want is a quickie."

The girl slaps Bob across the face so hard he sees double, and storms off in a huff.

Bill, after picking himself up from the floor from laughing so hard, turns to Bob and says "I believe it's pronounced quiche!"

damn dude..you do have a sense of humor..that was good. glad to see you lighten up..funny to see how you stock guys get in a good mood when the market has been good...