Just a funny:

[camaro608]

try this...
the next time you go to the airport walk up to someone reading the paper or a mag.
and just look at them until they look up at you then say DONT GET ON THE PLANE

[WS6]

thats a good way to get arrested and to miss your flight

[69rs]

try this...
the next time you go to the airport walk up to someone reading the paper or a mag.
and just look at them until they look up at you then say DONT GET ON THE PLANE

That's funny right up yo the point where the Federal Agent says, "Don't bump your head sir."

[Bob Johnson]

No, actually someone emailed it to me!

you're probably a Hustler kind of guy

[Bob Johnson]

try this...
the next time you go to the airport walk up to someone reading the paper or a mag.
and just look at them until they look up at you then say DONT GET ON THE PLANE

I'll let you pull that one..I'll bet that will wind up not being too funny..after 911, that kind of crap is no joking matter..

[1sick65]

Little Johnny is in the living room, playing with his new train set he got for Christmas. He puts on his conductor hat and yells ALL ABOARD!!!! Then takes train around the track a couple of times before stopping at the depot. He then yells....All you sum bitches that want on, get on; All you sum bitches that want off, get off. His mother yells...Johnny, if you can't talk nicely, you will have to stop playing with the train.

Johnny again yells ALL ABOARD!!!! Takes the train around the track a couple more times before stopping at the depot. He then yells....All you sum bitches that want on, get on; All you sum bitches that want off, get off. His mother grabs him and starts to bust his butt.



Johnny I can't believe you talk like that, she says. You need to stand in the corner until I tell you that you can play again. After about thirty minutes, she starts to feel sorry for him. Johnny you can play with your train if you can be nice.



Johnny runs from the corner and grabs his hat. ALL ABOARD!!!! Takes the train around the track a couple times and stops at the depot. He then stands up and says....All you sum bitches that want on, get on; All you sum bitches that want off, get off. If you want to complain about the thirty minutes delay, talk to the pain the in ass doing to dishes in the kitchen.

[harshman]

try this...
the next time you go to the airport walk up to someone reading the paper or a mag.
and just look at them until they look up at you then say DONT GET ON THE PLANE

Dane Cook makes my sides hurt.


....where's the handle?

[JoshStratton]

I'll let you pull that one..I'll bet that will wind up not being too funny..after 911, that kind of crap is no joking matter..

Then I take it putting dog biscuits in your friend's carry-on bag would be a bad idea as well?

[shmoov69]

Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a blonde lady who is sitting by herself.

Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Lady: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Lady: "No, they spread."

[shmoov69]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto awakens the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look toward sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What's it tell you Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo dung. Somebody steal tent!"

[shmoov69]

A guy is standing in line at the welfare office, when it is his turn he tells the lady behind the desk "I really hate drawing this check every month, I would rather work."

The lady tells him" You are in luck then,a local billionare is looking for bodyguard for his 22 year old nymphomaniac daughter. The pay is $200,000 a year, use of the Hummer, and you can live in the pool house. But the girl is such a slut I'm sure you will be sleeping in her bed most nights."

The guy is taken aback, "Lady you must be making that up?"

"Yeah well" she says, "You started it."

[shmoov69]

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men,

until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

[camaro608]

Dane Cook is the best

[69Nova]

Dane Cook is the best

Yes he is.

[camaro608]

go buy dane cooks new cd HARMFUL IF SWALLOWED then you will understand

[Bill Howell]

http://www.highperformancetoys.com/f...ead.php?t=6325

Not really a joke, but a cool story I read on my local forum tonight.

[1970cuda]

that's classic

[Modo Innovations]

A blonde and a brunette are driving down a country road when all of a sudden the blonde stops the car. The brunette asked her why? The blonde says look. Out in the middle of a large field was another blonde in a row boat just rowing away. The blonde in the car says" you know, its blondes like her that give us a bad rap, if I could swim I'd swim out there and kick her a$$.

[TonyL]

Sensitive men do exist

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar.

They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.

Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and she asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

[TonyL]

and now a crude one, for bob.

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."