Just a funny:

[6'9"Witha69]

Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy):

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them..

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I pr opose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I req uire from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take l onger than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my d aughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[shmoov69]

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.





Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck...................................

[Yelcamino]

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.





Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck...................................

[shmoov69]

A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.
The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some ******* wants to buy half a head of lettuce.'

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added,
'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half ! '

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.


Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that
situation Albert. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?''

Canada,sir,' the boy replied.

'Well, why did you leave Canada?' the manager asked.

The boy said 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.'

'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada.'

'No ****?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'

[shmoov69]

Young Dave moved to Maine and bought a
Donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the
Donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but
I have some bad news, the donkey died.'

Dave replied,
'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said,
'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Dave said,
'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked,
'What ya gonna do with him?

Dave said,
'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said,
?You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Dave said,
'Sure I can Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with
Dave and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Dave said,
'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a
profit of $998.00.'

The farmer said,
'Didn't anyone complain?'

Dave said,
'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Dave now works for the government.

[shmoov69]

A couple had two little boy’s ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous.
They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any
mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved. The boys’
mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining
children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The clergyman agreed, but asked to see the boys individually. So the
mother sent her 8-year-old in first that morning, with the older boy to see the
clergyman in that afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice sat
the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?” The boy’s mouth
dropped open but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open,
wide eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an ever sterner tone,
“Where is God!!?”
Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even
more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “WHERE IS GOD?!!”
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and
dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What
happened?”
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “WE are in BIG trouble this
time, dude.”, God is missing and they think WE DID IT!!”

[shmoov69]

Recently I was asked to play in a golf outing.
At first I said, 'Naaahhh....'
Then they said to me, 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids.'
Then I thought.......... **** -- I could win this thing!!!

[WS6]

haha great ones Jimmy.

[bigvegan]

That Lifeline joke is funny as hell!

(Especially since I actually volunteer there in my spare time. Please note, all our call centers are in fact domestic. We'll do our best to help you get things sorted out, and/or get you referrals in your area to help you need. 1-800-Suicide or 1-877-7CRISIS.)

In keeping with the theme...

An Aussie fella is driving home when he sees his mistress about to jump off the bridge. He winds down the window on his ute and calls to her.

"Oi Shelia! What the bloody hell do you think you're doing?!"

Tears streaming down her face, Shelia shouts back "I'm pregnant Bruce, and it's your baby! I know you're never going to leave your wife, so I'm going to do myself in."

Bruce thinks about this for a moment before composing himself. "Bloody hell Sheel, not only were you a great shag... you're also a damn good sport"

(courtesy of sickipedia.org)

[WS6]

thanks for the sick joke wiki vegan. I'm dying over here

[bigvegan]

You're welcome WS6.

It's brought to you by the fun folks at b3ta.org. If you like British humor, their weekly newsletter's quite a treat.

[fatblockford]

Ran into a guy at the shop that I hadn't seen in a while. Somehow we got to talking about this past Christmas. When I asked him what he got , he replied a pair of socks and a piece of azz but they both were 2 sizes to big.



Also why don't they let Helen Keller drive?

Duh, cause she's a woman.

[fatblockford]

Last week a baby boy was born with no eye lids. The Dr's didn't know what to do. They just kept his eyes moist with drops. The next day a nurse had an idea. When we circumcise him we can use the foreskin to make him some eye lids. Everything went well, however after a weeks worth of tests they determined the boy to be **** eyed.


Here's one from my 3rd grade daughter.

How do you get an elephant in a mailbox?


Take the "a" out of "cat" and the "f" out of "way'.
Get it there ain't no f 'n way.

[bigvegan]

Why didn't Helen Keller enjoy her trip to the zoo?

She couldn't see or hear any of the animals.

[bigvegan]

From - www.truckerfun.com

[shmoov69]

After being married for 48 years, I took a careful look at my wife
one day and said,
'Honey, 48 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 24-year-old gal.
Now I have a $400,000.00 home, two Cadillacs, nice big bed and
flat screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 71-year-old woman. It seems to
me that you're not holding up your side of things.'

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a
hot 24-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again
be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis...

[shmoov69]

Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to
confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Herb that she
suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old. He
stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much.

However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that
the had a deformity too. Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said 'I too have a
problem. My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal
with that once we are married.'

She said, 'Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size
winky ."

' Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Herb
whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching and teasing,
holding one another.

As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out of
the room! Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.


She said, 'You told me your winky was the size of an infant!'

"Yes, it is.... 7 pounds, 8 ounces, 19 inches long!"

[SaturnVUEguy]

oh dang shmoov! I'm trying not to laugh out loud here at work

[shmoov69]

I thought it was pretty funny! LOL!

[Samckitt]

A DANG FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and she was somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"

And the husband replied, "Hang on just a minute, love, so at least I can tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed," but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same."

The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"