Just a funny:

[jb@ridetech]

A woman went to a pet shop & immediatelyspotted a large, beautiful parrot..
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.'

The woman thought about this, but decidedshe had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,

'New house, new madam.'

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought 'that's really not so bad.'

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said,'New house, new madam, new girls.'

The girls and the woman were a bit offended,

but then began to laugh about the situation,
Considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.



The bird looked at him and said,


'Hi Keith'

[Kinred]

A Government study found the average American walks 900 miles a year

Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a
year.

That means, on average,
Americans get 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud to be an American

[Larry Callahan]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked
you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps
your radar gun needs calibrating'
Not looking up from her knitting his wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear,
you know this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and
growls, 'Can you please keep your mouth shut, just this once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar
detector went off when it did.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector
unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Dammit,
woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat
belt, sir. That' s an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off
when you pulled me over, so that I could get my license out of my back
pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat
belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
As the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to
his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk
to you this way, Ma'am?'
(I love this part....)

'Only when he's been drinking.'

[shmoov69]

Saturday Morning I Got Up Early, Dressed Quietly, Made My Lunch And Then Slipped Quietly Into The Garage To Hook The Boat Up To The Truck, And Proceeded To Back Out Into A Torrential Down Pour.

The Wind Was Blowing 50 Mph. I Pulled Back Into The Garage, Turned On The Radio, And Discovered That The Weather Would Be Bad Throughout The Day. I Went Back Into The House, Quietly Undressed, And Slipped Back Into Bed.

There I Cuddled Up To My Wife's Back, Now With A Different Anticipation And Whispered, 'the Weather Out There Is Terrible.'

My Loving Wife Of 20 Years Replied, 'can You Believe My Stupid Husband Is Out Fishing In That *****?'

I Still Don't Know If She Was Joking.

[shmoov69]

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes

After a few days they meet again…

The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you…then we made love all night long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't' say a word. We just had wild sex all night.'

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'

[shmoov69]

One day, long, long ago.......

there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch.

But this was a long time ago and it was just that one day.
The End

[Samckitt]

Why you shouldn't talk on your cel phone in public restrooms. (It is long, but worth reading).....

All in all, it hadn't been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over forty-eight hours since I'd last taken a dump. I'd tried to jump start the process, beginning my day with a bowl of bowel-cleansing fiber cereal, following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell. As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things would be happening soon. Alas, I had to stop at the mall to pick up an order. I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, "Everything Must Go!" This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go. I hurried to the mall bathroom. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have numbered 0 through 4 (I write a lot of software) for your convenience:

0.Occupied

1.Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it's next to the occupied one.

2.Poo on seat.

3.Poo and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat.

4.No toilet paper, no stall door, unidentifiable sticky object near base of toilet.

Clearly, it had to be Stall #1. I trudged back, entered, dropped trou and sat down. I'm normally a fairly Shameful $hitter. I wasn't happy about being next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot.

I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be. Out of Shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. $hitter was blathering to Mrs. $hitter about the $hitty day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My bowels let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn't get crapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier.


Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder in one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude -- a cross between the sound of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall. The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently.

-

Once my a$$cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became apparent: (1) The next-door conversation had ceased; (2) my colon's continued seizing indicated that there was more to come; and (3) the bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench.

It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way under the stall and began choking my poop-mate. This initial "herald" fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence.

"Oh my God," I heard him utter, following it with the suppressed sounds of choking, and then, "No, baby, that wasn't me (cough, gag), you could hear that (gag)??"

Next door I could hear fumbling with the paper dispenser as he desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made themselves heard over my anal symphony: "Gotta go... horrible... throw up... in my mouth.... not... make it... tell the kids... love them... oh God..." followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching.

-

Alas, it is evidently difficulty to hold one's phone and wipe one's bum at the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by a string of swear words and gags. My poop-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet.

After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage. I felt bad for the janitor who'd be forced to deal with this, but I knew that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with filth.

As I left, I glanced to the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know.

I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking around for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has manged to transfer my Shamefulness to my anonymous poop-mate. I think it'll be a long time before he can bring himself to poop in public -- and I doubt he'll ever again answer his cell phone in the lieu. And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in the bathroom.

[harshman]

i got tears on that one.

[Samckitt]

By the way, that story 2 posts above is not personal experience of mine, it was sent to me.

[muthstryker]

Just read this in the saturday paper..

"Local Gas Stations are now going to start playing porn movies at the pump so you can watch someone get F^ck3D at the same time as you.. "

[subtlez28]

Samckitt, that was the funniest thing I have ever read!
Not often you can laugh so hard, for so long at a joke in text.
Well done!

[shmoov69]

Time to post this one up again! Too funny to let it pass too long!

> Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my
fancy.
> (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled. I had gone into the
Star
> Market to pick up some milk yesterday and I bought a superball in the
checkout
> line -- 50 cents.
>
> What a bargain! It tickled my fancy--still does.
>
> That thing bounces soooooo high, and it has provided me with hours of
> entertainment. It just doesn't get any better than that, now does it?)
>
> I'm so easily distracted.
>
> That dang superball is so much fun.
>
> So what were we talking about? Oh yeah, I bought
> something really cool at Larry's Pistol and Pawn last Saturday.
>
> The occasion was my 50th birthday and I was looking for a little something
extra
> cool. What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun
with a
> clip.
>
> For those of you who are not familiar with this
> product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed
to
> incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage
electricity
> while you flee to safety.
>
> The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
affect on
> your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety.
>
> You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the
button,
> and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching,
whimpering,
> pencil-neck geek.
>
> If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly
missing
> out--way too cool!
>
> Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
> home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn
> thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
>
> I was so disappointed.
>
> Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I
found much
> to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between
the
> prongs. How disappointing! I do love
> fire for effect.
>
> I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a
metal
> surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth
between
> the prongs that I was so looking forward to.
>
> I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!!
> Yipeeeeee . . . I'm easily amused.
>
> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't
> be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.
>
> There I sat in my recliner, my dog Molly looking on intently (trusting
little
> soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Molly), and thinking
that I
> really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target.
>
> I must admit I thought about zapping Molly for a fraction of a second and
> thought better of it. She is such a sweet doggy, after all.
>
> But, if I was going to use this thing to protect myself against a mugger,
I did
> want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
>
> Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed
> reasonable to me at the time . So, there I sat in a
> pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately
on the
> bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another.
>
> The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
> assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
loss of
> bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant
flop
> on the ground like a fish out of water.
>
> All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long,
less
> than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two
itsy,
> bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no bloody way!"
>
>
> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
Those of
> you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed.
>
> I'm sitting there alone, Molly looking on with her head ****ed to one side
as to
> say, "don't do it daddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a
tiny
> lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under
the
> circumstances, wouldn't you agree?).
>
> I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it.
(Note: You
> know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so
obvious
> that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right
at the
> time. Don't ya hate that?)
>
> I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and Holy
> F**king Chit! ****!!!
>
> I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked
me up
> out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over
again.
>
> I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
> position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
> found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
> position.
>
> Molly was standing over me making whimpering sounds I had never heard
before,
> licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again daddy, do
it
> again!"
>
> (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note
of
> caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself.
>
> You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
hand by
> a violent thrashing
> about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the
prongs
> 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)
>
> SON-OF-A-B $% *H that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as
time
> was a relative thing at this
> point), I collected my wits (what little I had left),
> sat up and surveyed the landscape.
>
> My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get
> there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My
face
> felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88
lbs.
> +/- an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.
>
> By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm
offering a
> reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must
say so
> myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.

[Samckitt]

Samckitt, that was the funniest thing I have ever read!
Not often you can laugh so hard, for so long at a joke in text.
Well done!

Someone sent it to me & I thought it was hillarious too. So I had to share it.

[Samckitt]

Your Tax Incentive Rebate:

The federal government is sending each and every one of us around $600 rebate. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs. If we purchase a computer it will go to India If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala . If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan ...and none of it will help the American economy. The only way to keep that money here at home is to buy prostitutes, weed, beer, and tattoos, since these are the only products still produced in the USA. Thank you for your help & please support the USA.

[danbob67]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one."

[shmoov69]

LOL! Good one!

[shmoov69]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual
gimmick. His wife
Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day
John came home
with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John
claimed was
actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son,
returned home
from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?'
asked John.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit
project,' said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking
him completely
out of his chair.

'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where
you really were
after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking
him off his
chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry
I lied. We
really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never
lied to my
parents.'

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that
nearly knocked
him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did
you ever ask
for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your
son!'

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked
her out of
her chair.

[dogtag]

So while trying out for the Olympic track team, Oly makes his way out onto the field and sits down on a bench to wait his turn....along comes the German and sits down and looks over at Oly and says, in a heavy accent, "Are you a Pole Vaulter"?
Oly calmley says, "No I'm a Sveed and my names not Valter".

DT

[Samckitt]

So while trying out for the Olympic track team, Oly makes his way out onto the field and sits down on a bench to wait his turn....along comes the German and sits down and looks over at Oly and says, in a heavy accent, "Are you a Pole Vaulter"?
Oly calmley says, "No I'm a Sveed and my names not Valter".

DT

Ha ha, took me a minute to get that one.....

[Samckitt]

This was sent to me, thought I would share.

I don't know who this woman is, but I bet she knows some of you....