Just a funny:

[shmoov69]

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in
fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began
hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but
they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with
hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into
a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly
milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"

[shmoov69]

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two
statues faced each other for many years.

Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the
two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many
people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of
life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." And with that command,
the statues came to life.

The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove
behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the
two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping.

After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and
smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You
still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it
again?"

Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon
down and I'LL poop on it's head!"

[yellowrallys]

A professor at West Virginia University was giving a lecture of the
supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?".

About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of
those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a
ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further "Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture,
no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make
his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex
with a ghost?"

Bubba replied, "Shiiiit! From way back thar I thought you said "Goats."

[yellowrallys]

Subject: The Evolution of Teaching Math Since the 1950's

1. Teaching Math In 1950
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970
Logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)

6. Teaching Math In 2007
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Jose maka $20.00.

[jb@ridetech]

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills.
The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could
blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.[/B]
The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced 'Bear.' Then he felt the
bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle.' He was right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, 'Elk, shot with a 7mm Mag rifle.' He was right again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a
round of drinks. Finally he staggered home drunk out of his mind and went to sleep.

The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, 'I know I was drunk last night, but I think I'd remember a brawl. Where did I get this black eye?'

His wife angrily replied, 'I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, 'Skunk, killed with an axe.'

[shmoov69]

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry! I have two buddies
sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it s 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."

So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him."

[Damn True]

You gotta have a little bit of rural experience to get this but:



John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called "pullets", and ten roosters.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too.

But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

[Damn True]

The Redneck and the Gorilla

A small zoo in Oklahoma acquired a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla
was in heat and to make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton,

a redneck part-time worker at the zoo. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks,
had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached
with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Bobby Lee showed some interest but said he would have to think the
matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept
their offer but only under four conditions:

1. "First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."
The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

2. "Second", he said, "You can't never tell no one about this."
The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

3. "Third," Bobby Lee said, "I want all the chil'drun raised as
Baptist."
After a little chuckle, once again it was agreed.

4. "And last of all", Bobby Lee stated,
"You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.00"

[shmoov69]

Two business men in NY are sitting down for a break in
their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store isn't ready -- only
a few shelves are set up.
One says to the other, "I bet any minute now some tourist
is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what
we're selling."
No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure
enough, a curious hillbilly from the south walks to the window,
has a peek, and in a Southern drawl asks, "What're y'all sellin'
heah?"
One of the men replies, "Oh! We're selling a$$holes here.
Without skipping a beat, the southerner says, "Well, I see
y'all're doing really good, you only got two left!"

[shmoov69]

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

************************* *****

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

************************* *

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon :
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"

*********************** ***

At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."

************************* *

On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

***************** *********

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

************************* *

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

************************* *

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

************************* *

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

************************* *

At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
You've come to the right place."

************************* *

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

************************* *

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

************************* *

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet"
"Miss a car payment."

************************* *

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary.
We hear you coming."

************************* *

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

************************* *

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be. "
[de-lighted, that is]
************************* *

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry,
Come on in and get fed up."

************************* *

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

************************* *

At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills"

************************* *

And don't forget the sign
At a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

[shmoov69]

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.
He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she
knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and
you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her
and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again
with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind
me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting
at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink
to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked
her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he
was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No, I wouldn't," he said.

She said, "I sell tampons."

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper
salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"

[shmoov69]

An older man approaches a younger woman inside the
mall. "Excuse me," he said. "I've can't seem to find my wife.
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" The woman,
feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, "Certainly,
sir, do you know where your wife might be?" "I have no idea,
but every time I talk to a woman with boobs like yours,
she usually appears out of nowhere."

[twosaturns]

the hot young West Virginia girl goes and asks her daddy if she can borrow the car.
'sure, darlin', but you know what yah gotta do', her dad says.
'do I have to?' she replies.
uh-huh!
she goes about 'servicing' her paw the way she's had to before, when after a few moments, she stops and says 'daddy, your thingy tastes like crap!'
'oh, yeah', her dad says, 'I loaned your brother the car!'

[Bill Howell]

This is whatmarriage is really all about.

An old man and his wife entered a cafe.

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.

The old man unwrapped the plainhamburger and carefully cut it in half.

<>

<>He placed one half in front ofhis wife.

He then carefully counted out theFrench fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pilein front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wifetook a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bitesof hamburger, the people around them kept looking over andwhispering.

You could tell theywere thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford isone meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries ayoung man came to the table.

He politely offered to buyanother meal for the old couple.

The old man said they were justfine - They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed thelittle old lady hadn't eaten a bite.

She sat there watching herhusband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over andbegged them to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman said "No,thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

Then old man finishedand wiping his face neatly with the napkin.

The young man again came over tothe little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and heasked "What is it you


are waiting for?"

She answered

;

;

;

;

;

;

;

;

"THE TEETH."

[Bill Howell]

A health tip!

A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's
office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat around the bush,
You have AIDS." The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says,
"Doc, what can I do?"

The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage,
a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno
peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape nuts cereal, and top
it off with a gallon of prune juice." The cowboy squares his rugged
shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."

[Bill Howell]

Just a little humor from a Southerner ...


North Carolina

The owner of a Wood Shop in New Bern was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from NC State and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my
earrings."


Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting just north of Mobile and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,"
the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal
Henry!"




Louisiana

A senior at LSU was overheard saying... "When the end of the world comes, I
hope to be in Louisiana ." When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in
Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the
rest of the civilized world.




Georgia

A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-75. The trooper asked, "Got
any I. D. ?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"




South Carolina

A man in South Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road,
and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind
it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned
around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I have a flat tire."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the
front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make sense to me neither."




And this is from the South ...

"You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone
retiring to the North!"

[bucks69]

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for.'

[Samckitt]

As a Texan is walking through his field, he sees a man drinking water from a stock tank with one hand.

The Texan shouts,,,,,,,," Hey don't drink that water,,,, It's contaminated with cow crap in it!!!!!!!!!!!

The Man shouts back "Soy mexicano, yo no entiendo inglés. Hábleme español." (I'm Mexican, I don't speak English. speak Spanish to me)

The Texan shouts back,,,,,, "Utilice ambas manos, usted conseguirá más para beber." (Use both hands, you'll get more to drink)

[Bill Howell]

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked
to buy half a head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole
heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some a$$hole
wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he
turned to find the man standing right behind him; so he added, "And this
gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the
manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself
out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here."

"Where are you from, son?"

"Texas, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Texas?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players down
there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Texas."

"No *****!" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

[Samckitt]

That is a good one, I like it.