Just a funny:

[shmoov69]

A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by two female
teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was
decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go
with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants,
and began hoisting the little boys up one by one holding onto their "wee wees" to direct the flow.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher
said, "You must be in the 4th grade."

"No, ma'am, " he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the
seventh."

[Ralph LoGrasso]

[Joey_H]

A 78 year old man goes in for a physical. His doctor finishes the exam and reports all is well. The doc asks the old timer, "Say would you mind participating in a study I’ve been working on? My findings could be important”. “What do I have to do?” asked the old timer. The doc replied, “I need a semen sample, here’s a bottle for the sample and there’s a nice selection of porno in the bathroom out in hall. “ “Oh no!” said the old timer, “I couldn’t do that here, I’d be too embarrassed!”. “Not a problem” said the doc, “take the bottle home and bring it back tomorrow”. So off went the old timer.
He returned the next day with an empty bottle. The doc sent him home telling him not to be anxious, to let nature take its course, and come back the next day.
He returned the next day, once again with an empty bottle. “I’m sorry doc but I just couldn’t do it. I tried right handed, and then I tried left handed. My wife tried, with her hands, and with and without her teeth too. Heck I even got the next door widow women to give it a go, even she couldn’t do it. And she tried it between her big tits too!”
The doc was aghast at hearing this, “You had your neighbor try?”.
“Yep!” Said the old timer, “No matter what we did we just couldn’t get the top off that damn bottle!!”.

[shmoov69]

The Doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches."

The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.
He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need ... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefl y and said, "Let's see...size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!", the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, and it was a perfect fit. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, " How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's see.. size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6

Second Opinion - PRICELESS

[Ralph LoGrasso]

lol

[BMF Machine]

Ol howell had a couple of gay guys living in one of his houses in Pigeon Forge. They both died of aids and there was no one to handle their affairs. So good ol Bill decided to take care of it. He couldn't get any of the tradition funeral homes to touch them..They wanted nothing to do with aids. So ol Bill decides to see a taxidermist. He discusses it with the taxidermist and the taxidermist asks Bill if he wants them mounted..Bill said no I think holding hands will be sufficient.

Quit it Bob, you r killn me!!! I can't quit laughing! lol

Sorry Bill; I don't care who ya are, that right there is FUNNY!

[6'9"Witha69]

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. His wife said, "Honey, you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said. The wife handed him the card and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and collapsed.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without! Request bread.

[WS6]

This is going to be me when I grow up.



Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day I went down town and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08."
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.

[Scatpack]

Oh man, that guy is going to be hugely disapointed.....

[6'9"Witha69]

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood , "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum , "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss

The Moral of the story?
The a$$ hole is usually in charge!

[6'9"Witha69]

There was a meeting of all kinds of Engineers. One of the topics that came up was what type of engineer was ultimately responsible for the human body.
A mechanical engineer claimed that it was a mech engineer, "look at the joints and use of tendons and ligaments for motion".
A chemical engineer exclaimed that his type were best represented by the use of fluids throughout the body and the important jobs they perform.
An Electrical engineer interjected that it was clearly an Electrical engineer due to the way the nervous system was created to relay information.
Unable to reach an agreement, someone in the back decided to elect civil engineers as the overall designers of the Human body. The statement was simple:
"Who else would run a sewer pipe down the middle of a recreational area?".

[shmoov69]

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but
nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.
The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"
The medicine man replies:"All you or your partner have to say is '1234', and it will go down. But be warned -- it will not work again for another year!"
Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her, says, "123."
He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life ... just as the medicine man had promised.
Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"

And that, my friends, is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a
preposition.

[PARKERRS]

A farmer in Alabama about 30 years old has 5 children already, after talking about it with his wife they decide they can't afford any more kids. The next morning he goes down to the doctors office and explains the situation, the doctor says no problem we'l just do a vasectomy. After looking at the poor farmers record he turns and says, I see you are a farmer and have very little money. The man says yes thats why we can't afford any more children. The doctor says I'll save you the cost of this procedure, on the way home stop and buy a six pack of beer and an m-80 fire cracker. When you arrive home drink the beer, on the last can light the firecrackerand place it in the can then count to ten and you will be fixed.
The man left the office and thought this can't be right, so he decided to get a second opinion. The next day the farmer drove over to Georgia and saw a doctor. The doctor heard his story and said no problem you just need a vasectomy. After reading the mans chart he turned and said I see you might not be able to afford this procedure so I'll save you the money. On the way home buy a six pack and the largset most powerful firecracker you can find. When you get home drink the beer, on the last can light the firecracker, place it in the can and count to ten and you will be fixed.
This still sounded odd but the man figured he had the same instructions from two doctors, so on the way home he stopped and purchased a six pack and the firecracker. When he got home he sat down on the edge of the front porch and drank the beer. On the last beer he lit the fire cracker and placed it in the can. He began to count on his fingers,1-2-3-4-5, sat the can between his legs and started on the other hand, 7-8-

[WS6]

HER FIRST PAY CHECK

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little

5-year-old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that

we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time...

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a

construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all

the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the

workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or

less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let

her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her

little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope

containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her

mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that

they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day

to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the

little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young

age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew

building the house next door to us.

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the

house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those *******s at Home Depot ever

deliver the damn sheet rock..."

Stories like this just bring a tear to your eye.

[Samckitt]

A blond lawyer is on her way to a court case when she spots a woman in a row boat out in the middle of a wheat field. Then she realizes the woman is blond as well. Which really ticks her off. So she slams on the brakes & yells "You stupid b!tch, it's blonds like you that gives blonds like me a bad name." "And if I could swim I would come out there & kick your a$$!"

[Young Gun]

So one night a baby seal walks into a club....

[Samckitt]

Young Gun, Oh that was bad.

[Joey_H]

In the Old West a three legged dog walks into a saloon and proclaims, "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw!!".

[WS6]

oh god that's even worse hahahahahaha

[Damn True]

A blond lawyer is on her way to a court case when she spots a woman in a row boat out in the middle of a wheat field. Then she realizes the woman is blond as well. Which really ticks her off. So she slams on the brakes & yells "You stupid b!tch, it's blonds like you that gives blonds like me a bad name." "And if I could swim I would come out there & kick your a$$!"

Are you BLOND?