Just a funny:

[camaro608]

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he
reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her
seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to
see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking
at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.



As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he
replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took
her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having any of
that Brokeback-Mountain s*** in our garden."

[JoshStratton]

As seen by the Germans:






As seen by the French:






As seen by the Italians:






As seen by the Americans:






As seen in Hong Kong:

[SN65]

A salesman, an engineer and a doctor meet in the same bar, after work, every Friday.

After a few drinks the conversation always turns to who has the best dog. My dog is better than your dog. No, MY dog is better than your dog, etc… Finally, after weeks of this ongoing debate, they agree to bring their dogs to the bar and see who has the “top” dog.

They meet the following Friday. The salesman, the engineer, the doctor and a huge bag of dog bones.

They draw straws and the doctor's dog gets to go first. The doctor scatters the bag of bones on the floor and says "OK Stethoscope, time for your consultation". After studying the bones for about 5 minutes, the dog proceeds to build an exact life size replica of the human skeleton.

Not bad, says the engineer, but watch this. He has a big smile on his face as he scatters the bones on the floor and says "OK Slide Rule, remember what you learned in statics 101". After studying the bones for only a moment, the dog beguins to build highly detailed scale model of the Brooklyn bridge.

That’s all fine and good says the salesman, but if you liked that hooey, your gonna love this....

He scatters the bones across the floor and says, OK Expense Account, you know what to do. His dog immediately springs into action, runs across the room, eats all the dog bones and screws the other two dogs....

[Damn True]

I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog(?). On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two everytime you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned. I told her no; "I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt and a car hit me."

[SN65]

braaahhhhaaaaaa!!!!!!

[shmoov69]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor
of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I
kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers
in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver
returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and
spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very
fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your
second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to
him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off
across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this
time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the
Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed
a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last
request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone."

The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him
square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse.

For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE!!!!"

[shmoov69]

My wife and I are watching

"Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we are in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No." She answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

Yes." She replied.

Then I said, " I'd like to phone a friend"



That is the last thing I remember!

[shmoov69]

Knock on the door
A woman, quietly sitting at home one afternoon, hears a knock at the front door. She goes to the door and opens it, a man standing there asks her, "Do you have a vagina?"
The woman slams the door in disbelief at what the strange man had just asked her.
The same thing happens for three consecutive days, so the woman decides she better tell her husband about this man. Her husband becomes outraged and says, "Tomorrow I am not going to work. If the man comes back and asks if you have a vagina, say yes, I will be hiding behind the door."
The next day the man comes back and knocks on the front door.
She opens the door, and when he asks if she has a vagina, she says "Yes".
Then the man says to the woman, "Good. Then please tell your husband to stop screwing my wife".

[Bill Howell]

Knock on the door
A woman, quietly sitting at home one afternoon, hears a knock at the front door. She goes to the door and opens it, a man standing there asks her, "Do you have a vagina?"
The woman slams the door in disbelief at what the strange man had just asked her.
The same thing happens for three consecutive days, so the woman decides she better tell her husband about this man. Her husband becomes outraged and says, "Tomorrow I am not going to work. If the man comes back and asks if you have a vagina, say yes, I will be hiding behind the door."
The next day the man comes back and knocks on the front door.
She opens the door, and when he asks if she has a vagina, she says "Yes".
Then the man says to the woman, "Good. Then please tell your husband to stop screwing my wife".

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I will use that one elsewhere. Damn the luck.....lololololol

[mnchevelle]

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"

"Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad.

The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come see you when we close up."

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"

"One said the young salesman.

"Only one," blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day." How much was the sale worth? "

"Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" Asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to
pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the
new Deluxe Cruiser."

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"

"No" answered the salesman, "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, "Your weekend is screwed, you may as well go fishing."

[shmoov69]

A young blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store she notices a box full of live frogs.

The sign says: "Pet Sex Frogs! Only $20! Comes with complete instructions."

The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. After looking at the instructions...

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

...she gets even more excited, and whispered softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."

As soon as she gets home she follows the instructions to the letter -- but to her surprise nothing happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."

So the blonde calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over."

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says:

"Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time...."

[69rs]

I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog(?). On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two everytime you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned. I told her no; "I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt and a car hit me."

That's funny, I don't care who you are!

[shmoov69]

You are probably familiar with a story that dominated headlines in the mid
1980s about a boy who was born without a body. His name was Patrick Stanley,
and though he had no torso, arms, legs or chest to speak of, the boy had a
biological makeup that baffled doctors and scientists and allowed him to
survive with only a head. Patrick's parents shunned the initial publicity
that accompanied their decision to keep the boy and with the fall of the
Berlin Wall the media focused their attention elsewhere so the Stanleys went
about raising their son the best way they knew how.

The first few years were the toughest. Medical bills and doctors visits
nearly crippled the family financially. On top of that there were neighbors
who turned their backs on them and churched who labeled Patrick "The Demon
Child" or "Head of Satan." It was not easy for poor Patrick, but the
Stanleys held their heads high and gave Patrick more love than any child
could hope for.

It was October of 2005 when Patrick made headlines again. It was his 21st
birthday so his father took him to Key West for a proper celebration. They
had just watched the sun go down at Mallory Square when Mr. Stanley
surprised his son by taking him to The Bull and Whistle for his very first
beer. The people of Key West did not find anything odd about a young man
with no body, but when they heard he had just turned 21, a crowd gathered to
help Patrick celebrate.

The bartender poured him an ice cold draft and set it on the bar.

Patrick's father lifted the mug to his son's lips, and as Patrick took a sip
his head jumped up from the bar and a neck popped out. The bar patrons
stared in amazement as Mr. Stanley raised the glass again and a shoulder and
arm popped out from the newly grown neck.

Mr. Stanley cried tears of joy and ordered another beer, encouraging Patrick
to drink so more limbs could grow. Pop! Pop! Another arm and a torso
suddenly appeared. Pop! Pop! Two legs with feet and toes came out.

No one could believe their eyes and the bar whooped and applauded as Patrick
stood from the bar and took his first steps. It had taken nearly eight
beers, but he was walking. The boy was walking.

Heavily buzzed, Patrick worked his way across the room - no easy task with
two new legs and 96 ounces of beer in his bloodstream. Suddenly he slipped,
stumbled and fell through the large open windows to the sidewalk outside.
The momentum from the spill kept him rolling into the street where he was
run over and killed by a truck delivering beads for Fantasy Fest.

The bar patrons stood in silence, too shocked by the series of events to say
a word. The bartender finally broke the silence, putting his hand on Mr.
Stanley's shoulder and offering words of condolence, "I guess he should have
quit while he was a head!"


I know, pretty corny, but still......well, corny!

[shmoov69]

Football jokes:

http://www.yellowbullet.com/forum/sh...ad.php?t=14997

[Joey_H]

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap??"
"Because he's a liar ... He didn't do any of that chit!!!!!"

[the camtender]

A ventriloquist ran out of gas one day whlie traveling between two small towns.There was a farm house near by with the farmer taking a break on the front porch.He asked the farmer if he had some gas to help him out and he said sure,its around back in the barn.As they approached the barn there was a horse.The ventriloquist wanted to have some fun so he asked the horse how are you doing Mr.Horse?
The horse replied,"pretty good except this farmer works me
hard,really hard!
The farmer,who had been been out in the hot sun all day,thought he was just hearing things.When they went into the barn there was a cow.The ventriloquist does it again.How's it going Ms.Cow?The cow replied,"pretty good except this farmer milks me,milks me all the time!"
Now he has the farmer thinking to himself(man,I never knew these animals could talk)After getting the gas,they walked around the other side of the house where the ventriloquist spotted a herd of sheep.He asked the farmer if he could go talk to them.The farmer said "ok,but them are the lying'es sonsofbitches out here!

[Jimmy Sean]

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New Yorkthe day before
Thanksgivingand says,” I hate to ruin your day,but I have to tell
you that your motherand I are divorcing; forty-fiveyears of misery is
enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
" We can't stand the sight of each otherany longer," the father says. "We're sick of each
other, and I'm sick of talking aboutthis, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on thephone.
"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of
this," She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father:

"Youare NOT getting divorced". Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The oldman hangs up his phone and turns to his wife " Okay," he says,” they’re coming forThanksgiving and paying their own way!!!"

[muthstryker]

how do you know if your at a bulimic bachloer party?

the cake jumps out of the girl

[muthstryker]

man says to his firend "i think my was isnt being faithfull"

firend "whys that?"

man "she said she stayed at her sisters house last night"

firend "so?"

man "i was with her sister all night!"

[Ummgawa]

A Man is in a Bar. He has been drinking for a few hours, shots and beer.

He drinks so much he pukes on himself. "Damn!!" he sez, "My wife spent twenty dollars having this shirt cleaned and she is going to be pissed!!"

"Hey Dude" the guy sitting next to him sez "Do what I do, stick a twenty dollar bill in your shirt pocket and tell her that a drunk guy sitting next to you puked on your shirt and offered to have it cleaned."

"Will it work?" the guy asked. "It worked for me" said the other guy.

He arrives at home, his wife sez, "You A-hole, you have been out drinking again and puked on your shirt!!" "Nah" he sez. The guy sitting next to me was drinking heavily and puked on me. I was upset and he gave me twenty bucks to have my shirt cleaned".

"But their is fourty dollars in your shirt pocket!!" the wife screams!

"Yea...he crapped in my pants too".