Just a funny:

[Bill Howell]

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really
sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you here today.
When I feel like that, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.. That
makes everything better and thenI go to work. You try that."


Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel
great. I be at work soon.........You got nice house."

[muthstryker]

lol xD

[muthstryker]

i was trying to find a pic of 2 old guys sitting on a porch in rockin chairs widdlong wood but i couldnt lol

[muthstryker]

A man called his boss one day and told him that he has anal glaucoma syndrome.

boss says "anal glaucoma syndrome.. wth is that"

man says "i cant see my ass coming into work today"

[Bob Johnson]

We's both born widdlong wood..we jus didn't pull it outta our fly

[muthstryker]

i could soo see bob johnson on a rocking chair spitn' his chew across the pourch into a metal pale "acchgh pfft ting!"

[muthstryker]

you know i used to be a life gaurd, untill some blue kid got me fired.

[muthstryker]

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!

Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.

Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?." Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works

Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 PM Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 PM sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6pm and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"

In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500." Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

*this isnt bill howell* lol

[muthstryker]

forgot 1

there where these 2 midgets that brought some girls back to there hotel rooms, one of the mwas having such a hard time he could get it up. he heard his buddy in the next room yelling here i come again 1 2 3 uhhhh... next morning they both ask each other how the night when, the first midget syas not real well i couldnt get it up how embarrassing, his buddy says you think that is embarrassing i couldnt get up on the bed!

[Bob Johnson]

Bill Howell's so fat he sat on a quarter and mashed a booger out of
George Washingtons nose..

[Bill Howell]

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
She pondered the question a while and then said,"That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Deleware."

[Bob Johnson]

The Reals wife went shopping..she stopped by the shoestore..put her foot on the stool for the salesman to try on a pair of shoes. he looked up her skirt and she had no undies..He looked at her and said he wish he had that whole thing full of ice cream,,he'd eat it all. She angrily stamps out of the store and rushes home. She tells The Real what happened and demands he go to the shoestore and defend her honor and whip the clerk's as*. The Real says..first off you didn't have any right to be shopping for shoes..I can't afford to buy you new shoes when I haven't finished my Camaro yet..second off, you had no business going there with no underwear..and thirdly, anyone that could eat that much ice cream could whip my As* anyway.

[yellowrallys]

Talking 'bout George Washington made me think about where the phrase "you have got to be sh**ting me" originated.
Well, years ago, when George was in the navy, he and his crew was crossing the Delaware, when this horrendous storm hit, tossing their little vessel every which way. During all of this, the popular Corporal James Peters was tossed overboard never to be seen or heard from again. So upon daybreak, a very tired and weak crew, all cold and wet saw land in the distance. They pulled the vessel up to the shore and all piled out. Up on a hill was a building, so up they went to seek out food and dry clothes. As they drew closer, they saw that it was a small house. (actually it was a house of ill repute, if you know what I mean). So General Washington knocks on the door, and the madam answers with a big smile thinking to herself that this could turn out to be a pretty good day, business wise. George asks "mam could you offer up some warmth and companionship for these wary souls?" The madam grinning even bigger now replies "well mister, how many boys ye got out there?" George replies..."Theres thirty one of us..... without Peters." The Madam replies ..."YOU HAVE GOT TO BE SHI**ING ME"

[yellowrallys]

Guy walks up to the movie ticket booth with his little black banty rooster perched on his shoulder.
"I'd like one please" his says to the ticket seller.
"What are you gonna do with that rooster?" the girl asks.
"Oh he's going in with me" guy says.
"He goes everywhere with me"
"Well...he ain't goin' in THIS theater with you'' she says.
"But he goes everywhere with me" guy sez.
"Nope, not this time" sez the girl. So the guy walks off thinking he really wants to see this movie but he don't have time to take the rooster home. So he comes up with the idea to stick him down his trousers. 'Bout half way thru the movie, guy starts thinking the rooster probably needs a little air. So he descreetly unzips and the little guy pops his head out. An older couple are sitting next to the guy and the lady whispers to her hubby that this guy sitting beside her has his "thing" out.
The hubby sez "Well just don't pay him any attention, besides, you've seen plenty of them things in your sixty years."
The lady replies.."Yea, but this one's eatin' my popcorn..."

[shmoov69]

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse,
I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth
was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury,
and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could
think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident
occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife,
Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter
and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There
was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged
nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find
the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it
wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our
new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging
between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I
reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable,
she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like
claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily?? movements, blindly
rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my
masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this
predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was
fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully
impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are
not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen
floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all
snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to
suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to
the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about
my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about,
which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!
Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

[WS6]

guess im a girl cause im laughing my ass off at that story.

[69rs]

OMG!!

[camaro608]

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."

[CAMAROBOY69]

3 funny pics I saw on another forum.
1.

2.

3.

[WS6]

I saw the commercial that showed that kid face planting on day on TV. (hell no i haven't watched the show) Normally I don't laugh when people hurt themselves, but I started laughing so hard I was crying and had problems breathing. Thanks for showing me that again. Loved it.