Should I marry her?

[rohrt]

I got divorced about 2 years ago. I blame part of it on spending way to much time working on my car and I blame part of it on my X being a hose bag that ended up cheating on me. I'm a good Christian guy that did nothing but love my wife and 18 month daughter, at the time. Even if I wasn't spending 8hours on Saturday working on POS car I'm guessing the result would have been the same.

During that dark time I met a women that was also going through the same thing. We had open talks about what scum we thought of our X's and also the parts that we may have contributed to. We hooked up and were friends right away.

Now anyone that has gone through a divorce will know how much harder it is the second time around. When you dealing with broken trust. Ego's that are more easily bruised and just wanting to give up more easily when problem arise. But we are doing good on all fronts but one and that is my Car Hobby.

I consider my life now 90% complete. The 10% would be the peace and joy that I get from working on my car. This is also the area that we get into big arguments in. In her mind a hobby takes time and money away from the family and thus its deemed bad period. What sucks is she is right. It does take time and money, but like I said it also brings me a sense of great joy and peace to work with my hands, and sense of accomplishment that don't get anywhere else.

Because of the divorce and loosing almost every cent I had with exception of the car that was about 75% done. I have not touched it in 2 1/2 years. I'm now looking for a house with my soon to be wife. My old house was great in that it was just outside of town and had a 3rd stall oversized garage. Now I'm forced to look for a house intown where our girls will go to school and we cant touch the price of a 3 stall garage house.

She has conceded that she has no problem with me working on my car as long as its at home. I'm fine with that. She has no problem with spending money on the car as long as the family needs are met first. I have no problem with that either. We got into it again last night because she thinks she will be parking beside my newly painte project of 2.5 years ago, not to mention she says be prepared for the kid to be running into it with their bikes. She wan't me to just remember that its just a piece of metal. Thats was all I could handle that night and I had to leave! This car was a dream of mine since college (1990). I still have the picture from CarCraft that inspired me. It was a dream before kids and a dream before getting married. All I want to do is finsh what is left. Roughly 4K in parts are needed to do so. When every we fight about this it like ripping the soul from my chest. I even asked our pastor during a marrige class if a hobby has a place in a Christian mans life. He even said as long as its kept in balance.

Now keep in mind. I have not touched the car in the 2 1\2 years since me my fiance have dated and this is what we fight about. Its all petty stuff but it not getting resolved and I always come out the bad guy. Before I stormed out she said if you want to call the marrige off so you can finish you car just let me know.

I'm thinking it over.......!

[BlackGMC]

IMO if your having issues now, it is not going to get any better! About the hobby thing you gotta balance things and set a budget to keep the wifey happy. Just work on the car on a few days a week, not everyday. Budget a certian amount for each given pay period to spend on the car. Doing those things should make your girl happy, by not spending too much time and money, but an agreed upon number that she is comfortable with. This is what I have done with my GF, but if she wants to do something on a car work day, then I just don't work on the car that day. My GF always comes first, that is the way I was brought up and that is my honest opinion. IMO if you want to keep the woman in your life happy then, try to accomodate her wants, if that means finishing the car in 4 years due to budget, then that is fine. Besides want is more important a good woman to spend the rest of your life with or a car?

[6'9"Witha69]

This is one of those touchy subjects not a lot of people want to get in on. I have never been divorced, but my wife has. There is definite baggage that comes with that. I had to fight through it for a while. As you said, in your situation, it comes from both parties.

I don't have the same issue you do, but I want to make the Camaro into more of a race car with street usability. My wife wants to use it as a "pack the family in and go to a car show". In the next breath tells me "It's your car so you make the call, but if you make it a race car the girls will never get in it". So I am given a 'choice'. One that obviously excludes the greatest source of overall happiness in my life. So here is where balance comes in.

Women are funny. I don't care how great every man on this board thinks his wife is, there is something about her that drives him crazy sometimes. But we know all the good things that come with it, and if a little sacrifice in one part can be outweighed by the joy and happiness of all the other aspects of your relationship then by all means, pursue happiness. If this is a sore that will never be resolved or tolerated and make you resentful, it needs to end.

[yodas little brother]

you need to pray about.only then will you find your answers

[Bow Tie 67]

I should be quiet, but think this over, and yes pray about it. I know exactly how you feel about your car. Who knows what will happen when she gets that ring on her finger. This is coming from a divorced ( 8 years ) Christian father of two teenage girls. It sounds like she is appeasing you, but has absolutely no respect for your passion in this hobby.

Women run on Love and we run on Respect. If your not getting the respect, it's going to be a hard road traveled.

Matt

[David Sloan]

(Quote Black GMC)
IMO if your having issues now, it is not going to get any better!

I could not agree more!! Seen it to many times!!
I told my wife this is what i do, before we got married
It give me the peace i need to try to Balance the rest of my life out.
And she has been very suportive of this hobby turned full time job all the way
She is still supportive to this day, (She was not a car girl before we met) She has times where she has to tell me, Hey i need some time!
LOL!
But in the end it all comes down to give an take from both partys to make any marrage work.
I hope it works out for you, i wish you an her all the best.


Did i mention that my wife just bought me a new project car. God i love this women!!!!
Thanks hope i was some kind of help to you.

[Steve68]

Nope!

[TonyL]

Your "wife" should understand you. Your "girlfriend" doesn't. Wives are supposed to be forever, a soulmate. Not someone who almost cuts it. If she doesn't get your car hobby you need to find commonality first, something she finds sacred, something other than your relationship that is necessary for her happiness. (it's usually kids to women) But they all have a "thing" that is special to them, alone time, shopping, something. The more illogical the better. Something you can use to illustrate how you feel in a way she can understand. She veiws your car as illogical, expensive, and a waste of time and energy that could be better focused on her, the family or something she wants.

If nothing else, tell her that working on your car makes you *you*. Without it, you'll become empty, and not the person she loves.

[mpozzi]

As far as it not getting better . . . it won't even stay the same but will get worse. This is a sore spot for your soon-to-be-wife already and if she isn't comfortable with your car being a part of your life, she never will be. Also, she's making comments such as "the kids will run into it with their bikes" and "it's just a piece of metal" which should show you just how resentful she is of this car. Face it, she's jealous of a CAR!!!

Every time she walks out in the garage and sees it, no happy thoughts will be there. You love the car for what it represents. It's fun, the result of lots of hard work, your dreams and goals that are now reality . . . she's not going to let you keep this love and trust me on this.

My recommendation is to NOT marry this woman but continue to date her . . . at least for now. Realize, however, I'm basing these thoughts from observations from ONE, SINGLE post and haven't met her. You have a huge strike against this marriage and that's your car. Minor differences are fine . . . stuff like where to go for dinner, how much to spend on an item, should we buy it in the first place . . . but not a car that was there before she was. There should be room for both of you in this relationship.

If you marry her, I guarantee you'll either be selling the car in a couple of years or divorcing her. If she gets pregnant . . . your car's history.

Think also about what brought the two of you together . . . your past marriages and the problems that went with them. The core of your relationship isn't very solid and I'd work on strengthening that and allowing more time before you get married. If she's secure with you, she'll be okay with this decision. There's no hurry to get married and I'd really give this one time to ensure that she accepts the fact that the Camaro is in your lives. A year, possibly two, should suffice. I'm betting that she'll initially say the Camaro can stay, how she understands how important it is to you, ad nauseum. Time will prove if this is true and I'm also betting that in a couple of months, there will be a stressor that triggers another, more ominous, response and you'll be forced to make a decision about the car or your relationship.

Believe about half of what you see and absolutely NOTHING from what you hear.

Good luck on this one,
Mary Pozzi

[Mkelcy]

As I was typing, Mary beat me to most of what I said here, but here it is anyway:

This doesn't strike me as being about a "hobby." My long standing operating assumption is that fights aren't about what they seem to be about. You and your prospective wife are fighting about control issues. Are there any other areas where control issues occur? (I'm not asking you to post here, just to think about it.)

The good news is that she's being open about her dislike of the car, the bad news is she doesn't seem to care how important it is to you. That is concerning.

It's easy to get caught up in the planning for a new life with a new partner, but all that planning can also hide some pretty fundamental issues. If I were you I'd consider putting the marriage off for a while. Divorce is really hard on a person, and you and your prospective wife seem to have been initially attracted to each other because you were both in the same painful place. That shared exprience will only take you so far, then you need to build your own joint experience.

Right now, that joint experience doesn't seem to have any room for something you love, given her not too thinly veiled threats that she doesn't respect or value the work and care you've put into your car. You don't strike me as being unreasonable in what you expect for the car. Her fairly cavalier attitude about how the car will be treated, again, would concern me.

You need to think carefully about this and, if you think it would help, talk to someone about what's going on.

[rohrt]

Wow a lot of good responses. Thanks guys

We both recogonize that we used each other to get through somthing horrible and that it would have been better to meet without the emotional void, but we also see that we have a tone in common when it comes to religon, rasing kids, farm background, divorced parents, the fact that we were the ones that were left, small town values, love working outdoors and the list goes on and on. I just can't see splitting over somthing so stupid. Her X had a gambling problem and 10K of saving went buy buy. Her parents farm got forclosed on during the farm crisis so you can kinda see why between her own divorce and the role money played why she has the attitude she does. She did come right out and say the car will never be important to her. Is this enough to end it? It is after all just a car. At least to her.

[jy211]

my wife married me full well knowing my likes and hobbies...and I did the same. And we both respect each others likes....

[Tony_SS]

sorry if this has been said already...

BUT DONT MARRY THIS ONE! If its little problem now, it'll be a huge problem later! From what you typed.. you should be warned! If your woman doesnt understand your passion, there's plenty of others who do..

I got lucky.. my wife not understands, but shares my love cars... don't settle for less, if she doesnt respect your car/passion, she doesnt respect you..

Not what you want to hear but its the truth.. Save yourself now, it'll some trouble now but better than life in hell later.. Because that's what it'll be!

Read what you wrote again:
"We got into it again last night because she thinks she will be parking beside my newly painte project of 2.5 years ago, not to mention she says be prepared for the kid to be running into it with their bikes. She wan't me to just remember that its just a piece of metal. "

It's more than just metal.. It's a work of art. Tell her that her new shoes might get run over with the lawnmower if you find them to be a bother... she how she reacts!

Don't walk away from this one... RUN!

[Tony_SS]

I dont understand how your passion and love wouldnt be important to her..... Marriage is about unconditional support, right? That not support she's giving you.

It's about more than just a car... It's a lot bigger issue.. Respect and Support for what you care about... Or is the only thing that matters is what she cares about?

[Rubes]

Believe about half of what you see and absolutely NOTHING from what you hear.

Never been married or divorced, and only had one "long term" real relationship, so maybe I shouldn't even be making comments. But that statment right there is something I learned the hard way. I always figured that actions can be mis-understood, and words can not be taken any other way. ie "I Love You" can only mean that, if comming out of the mouth of some one you love, but if they dont share your passion for something, it dont mean they dont love you.

I was willing to give up 9 out of 10 project cars I own for this woman (I did not have too since things fell apart before I had to make that decision). I would not completeley give up hotrods, but their priority as a married guy would certainly be lower than they are now as a single guy. It all comes down to priorities. If the car is that important to you and you are not willing to give it up for this specific relationship, it may be best to move on. I had known other women but was not willing to give up certain freedoms and lifestyles for them, so never got deeply involved.Yet once I met Diane (who was divorced), and spent a year fallin more in love with her everyday, I knew I wanted to do anything I had to to be with her. Unfortunatley she did not feel the same, and that is when I found out the statment above was true, after she addmitted that I was just a pitstop and she never intended on being with me permanently, dispite all the letters and words I got from her to the contrary.

It is certainly a tough call, and I wish you wisdom and comfort in your decision.

[TonyL]

It's about more than just a car... It's a lot bigger issue.. Respect and Support for what you care about... Or is the only thing that matters is what she cares about?

Quoted for truth.

Exactly, If she can't support what you love, and what you love to do, she isn't right for you. She doesn't want you to be fullfilled. She thinks she should be all you need.

Unfortunately people can't pics what they "need" you wont just get over it. The car thing is in one's blood. It never goes away. Giving up on your car will emasculate you. You'll resent her for it. It'll eat at you.

It ISN'T just a car. It's what the car represents. It's your passion. She doesn't understand your passion or want to, and that should be "red flag" enough to put the brakes on.

[Hartz]

Yeah, tricky situation. You're right - it's just a car - and a car isn't worth losing a woman you love. If my wife wanted me to sell my car - I would. BUT - as many have pointed out, I don't think this is just about the car. This is about her respecting (or not) the things that are important to you.

Play this out - it's just a car. You sell it to appease her. Great - now what? People need hobbies. They need intellectual stimulation. They also need time to themselves. So there has to be some replacement activity. Maybe it's bowling, wood working, knitting - I don't know - whatever. So is she now going to resent those activities? Is she going to complain when you do these things because they take away time from her and the family? If that's the case - then I think you've got a problem.

[hdesign]

Sounds like quite a dilema, or is it? I usually stay away from discussions about personal matters but here goes.

Honestly, I think the fact that you even had to ask for advice on car forum gives you your answer. If you're not totally in love with this woman unconditionally it's a bad idea. When you go to marry someone, you should know it's a great idea, not just think it may be a good idea. You're setting yourself up for misery and another divorce like Mary said.

Ask yourself why you need to be married and why specifically to this woman.

You will need to make certain compromises in marriage, the car will definitely be one of them. However, as everyone seems to be mentioning as well, balance is key. It's true for singles and even more true for married couples. Not every long-term relationship is meant for marriage. It's not like it's the goal for every woman you meet. She's just the first to come along.

I would say, you had fun, she was a big help in your recovery from your divorce but you're not ready to surrender 50% of the say in your car. It was a source of frustration in your last marriage, why put yourself through it again? Get the car done and get married (or not) later. You can spend the time your wife/gf needs when the car is done. It's really not fair to deprive you of the enjoyment you get from working on the car. It's also not fair to her that you're depriving her of time together.

Bottom line is that you need to prioritize.

The most compatible people are usually the ones you meet when you're doing the stuff you love anyway.

[toofun]

Lots of good points here but I will tell you straight out. LOOK ELSEWHERE. It has nothing to do with the car, it has to do with mutual respect. Listen.... If you were going out partying with your friends night after night, strip bars, all nighters, getting drunk and whoopen it up then yes, she would be right. But your not. Everyone here knows that this is a passion, a love, a psychological vent for us enthusiasts!!

My wife sees my frustration with the cars, she has seen me throw wrenches through the garage window and more expletives than I care to mention. But with all of that she knows that in the end, l love working on cars!! Its a LOVE/HATE relationship, its therapeutic!!
I guess my point is this... EVERYONE is on their best behavior the first year of a relationship, then you start to see the cracks, the chinks in the armour, the REAL DEAL!! If she is putting her foot down now over something trivial like a car hobby,then what will she be putting her foot down on next? YOUR FRIENDS? YOUR BROTHER OR SISTER, OR FAMILY? Your WORK, how you DRESS?, How you TALK TO FEMALE FRIENDS OR CO WORKERS? Love is a tough thing, it can make you do really stupid things. My opinion is to break off the engagement and DATE for a while. BOTH OF YOU SHOULD, Then after a few months you will know if what you have is REALLY LOVE OR NOT!!

Like I said, just my .02 cents...

Mark
TOOFUN

[formula]

Let's just do a little remix on what you're saying, just to put what's really going on here into perspective.

“She wants me to just remember that this dream of mine since college (1990) is just a piece of metal.”

“She did come right out and say the dream before kids and the dream before getting married will never be important to her. Is this enough to end it? It is after all just a car. At least to her. But not to me.”

To be honest, this scares the sh*t out of me. I dated a girl a while back that had no understanding or respect for my passion for cars, and even just dating her, it slowly created a bigger and bigger hole in our relationship until i finally called it quits.

I'll tell you how i look at my passion for cars. I started saving for the car i own today in 6th grade. That's not a hobby--it's a passion, a love. That love doesn't come from nowhere, and it doesn't come from sin. What we men are passionate about is what makes us the men that we are. Why would we be created so wild if all we were supposed to do in life is become slowly domesticated? The things in your life that light the dragonfire in your soul are the things that your wife should value the most. Those are the things that turn you into her knight in shining armor. Those are the things where you find your adventure, and if she's not willing to be a part of your adventures in life, to jump on the back of your stallion and ride with you into the sunset, then she is only slowing you down.

The girl i love more than any in this world doesn't really understand why i have a passion for cars--but she does understand that cars are my passion. She doesn't understand why i chose my car--but she loves it for what it is, and is always supportive of any decision i make for it. She thinks it smells terrible and is too loud, but she still begs for me to do a burnout and loves it when i stack pillows in the seat and let her drive. She doesn't love my car like i do, but she loves me and, because of that, looks for ways to use the car to make our love stronger. She understands that my car is my escape, my freedom from this world, and she takes every chance she can to escape for just a little while with me.

Think about it like this. The girl you really want to marry is the girl that's in your passenger seat telling you to go faster, not the girl standing in the garage shaking her head while you drive away alone. I say keep looking until you can find one that at least encourages, if not loves, one of the most important parts of your life (like you said, 1/10th of your life is completing your car. That's huge).