Married people....how the %&#*% do you do it?

[DarkoNova]

Long story. And I've been drinking, so it's probably going to be longer due to rambling, so bear with me.

Basically, in high school I met this girl; Sara. She was awesome, and I had feelings for her, but I was already dating another chick. I eventually broke up with that chick, but I never got the courage to ask out this one. Then we graduate and go our separate ways. Fast forward to a couple years ago and I get a friend request from her on Facebook. So we start talking. I mean talking. I don't think a day went by where we didn't text each other.



So finally in December last year I asked her out. Things have changed now since it's been a good 8 years since high school. She has a kid and has put on a few pounds, but I don't care. I love her.

Even before I asked her out, we'd hang out and drink almost every weekend. Probably sounds bad since she has a 3 year old, but it's at her sister's house, so her sister, her sister's husband, and her nephew are there to keep us under control (not that we ever get rowdy drunk or anything) and to entertain her son while we're outside smoking cigarettes or whatever. She's a really good mom.

Anyway, so we're going out and in January she started school. She also tried to get her son into preschool but there's been a problem because she just moved so they need different forms or something so he can't start yet. Anyway, there's been a few times where I go to her house and basically stay from like Tuesday to Friday and I just look after her son while she's at school. He's a cool kid, he calls me "dude" and says I'm his best friend. We've even talked about marriage and where we want to live, how many kids we want, etc.

Well apparently one of her exes abused her, and her dad is an alcoholic drug addict and her mom died of cancer, so she has some issues. Mainly self esteem issues. I already mentioned she's slightly on the large side, but she's still beautiful. But she doesn't see herself that way, and damn near every day when we'd hang out, it could be someone on tv or someone on the street but she'd ask "do you think she's pretty?" One day she was going through my phone (she asked to use it for something and then started going through my texts) and she was reading a text from a mutual high school friend and he said something like "hey are you hanging out with kari?" I said "no, why?" and he was like "she freakin loves you, so I just thought you'd be hanging out all the time" or something and I was like "uh....really? wtf?" and she saw that and was like "omg you love kari omg wtf" and didn't talk to me for a few hours. I already brought this up on another forum and the whole forum was basically like "not your phone, not your business" to her and "i don't see wtf the problem is, he was just asking wtf, it's not like he has feelings for her".

And then the past two weeks I was there from Tuesday to Friday watching her son while she was at school and this last week we were bickering about stuff, I don't really remember what exactly. But she asked if there was anything that bothered me, and I said yeah, sometimes it feels like you love your son more than me. I mean yeah, she's a mom, and he's her flesh and blood, but she says she loves me but she does stuff sometimes that just seems like she ignores me and goes straight for him. A couple days later she said that really bothers her more than she thought it would. Then she started saying she thinks we need a break because we went from best friends to like married and I'm like wtf?

I've seen Friends. Ross and Rachel took a "break" and they never got back together.

Then today, I dropped off my rotating assembly at a machine shop, she texted me something along the lines of "jesus I've been going since 8!" so we texted for a bit back and forth.

I get home, and I check facebook and I see she changed her relationship status to single.

I commented on the status "wtf, this is news to me", I called her, she didn't pick up. I left a message. Then she texts me "omg matt, I'm in class."

I knew she was but I was at our friend's house (basically when I have problems with Sara, I go to Mary's house. Mary is one of Sara's best friends and I met her through Sara) and Mary told me to call her. So I responded "I know, but just call/text me when you get out please?"

I dunno, maybe I'm ranting, maybe I'm looking for advice, but this **** is just driving me insane. I'm drinking right now because she's really the only person I talk to (aside from Mary, but Mary doesn't have a phone) so now I have nothing to do since I'm unemployed and now I have nobody to talk to.

I don't know what I'll do if she really doesn't want to be together anymore. :(

[Iamtheonlyreal1]

It always seems worse in the moment than it really is. Here is a bit of advice to live by... If a relationship has to be Made, it isnt a real relationship. There is always comprimise, but comprimise shouldnt be an issue.. If comprimise is ever an issue that festers, there is a good chance resentment will kick in later, and destroy everything you thought you had. We lie to ourselves, and say that we can get over something that we really dont want to, and it always comes back later.. If we were a bit more honest with ourselves, and understood what we really wanted, we would probably not waste as much time with the wrong person.. I dont think there is a person in here that can honestly say, they made the right decision the first time. ha ha

As far as her loving her child more, you will Never win that battle, and you Shouldnt win that battle. Once the child is born, the child should always be the first concern. I would agree that the child should not be spoiled, and that there should be times that the child is not the focus, but that is generally after a set bed time.

Here is one of the key things that I have learned over the years.. Do not be the Wimp. Do not cry, or get too distressed over the potential loss of a woman.. There is nothing that will change a womans view of the Man she had, when he begging for her to come back. It is very demasculating, and it is something that you could never rebound from in her eyes.

We have all had relationships that we didnt want to fail, but it is beyond our control. A true relationship is based off of Pure Respesct and Honesty, and if you dont have that foundation, you have nothing to start with.. Too many people try to make things work, because they are afraid to move on and start over, but you are just prolonging the inevitible.. We have all had the times when we thought we wouldnt find anyone else or any better relationship, but we do, and often wonder what we were thinking before.. LOL

Here is another thing to think about.. There is someone for everyone, and you will know them when you meet them. But lifes decisions, whether it be marriage to someone else or a totally different life direction, will dictate whether or not anything could ever come of it. Just because they were right for you in the past, doesnt mean the person they have become, will be right for you. People change through their life experiences and choices, and the affects of these choices and experiences affect how they deal with the people they are in a relationship with. Unless you meet someone that has the exact same direction and goals as you, you need to find someone who hasnt already made their Life Path, because you will never fit into a predetermined path. People need to grow together, because if they are not growing together, it only turns into upcoming resentment and disgust.. In order to love someone, you must love and respect the Absolute Worst of them. You may not understand why they do what they do, but you must respect them enough to embrace the deficiencies.

[Mr.VENGEANCE]

[Chevrolaine]

Blood is thicker than water....
Sounds like things just happened way too fast for her. Give her some room. Worst thing you could do is keep hounding her.

[shortrack]

Be careful of issues.....relationships work well when both people grew up in a similar home environment....by that I mean if one person grew up in a crazy household with a lot of conflict and the other person grew up in a calm respectful home it can be very difficult.

[CreepinDeth]

lol.....

I don't know what I'll do if she really doesn't want to be together anymore. :(

The answer is quite simple really.....
Don't be a Stage 5 clinger. Women despise clingy men. It shows a lack of confidence.
Evaluate what you did wrong. Regain your confidence and move on. Plenty of women out there.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=14ZO1...feature=fvwrel

[CFster]

Yeah when you asked her why she loves her son more than you that scared her off. No doubt about it. Suffice it to say her son will always be #1.

On a personal note I'm divorced and would make sure I was in a serious relationship before introducing my kids to that person. It's too easy for them to get attached.

[MrQuick]

She has been abused in the past and might have an abusive vise....all equals a chaotic relationship. She seeks chaos. In a sense you may also, its only natural. You want to try to fix broken things.

My advice is either help her get help, or break it off and keep it friends but brace for a heart break. its coming. But really break it off and no longer contact her. Best way to break a bad habit is cold turkey.

BTW comparing this to a marriage is absurd. A marriage is a union of two people who love each other.

[ATOMonkey]

Dude, RUN!!!

[Blown73]

I think you should add 2 degrees of timing and check the thermostat.

[Bryce]

Then today, I dropped off my rotating assembly at a machine shop

So whats the plan for the motor.

All kidding a side. Is she hot enough to be that crazy. Okay now I am done joking.

I have seen my friends in relationshops like this. They like the crazy environment. If you dont like it then get out.

[DarkoNova]

BTW comparing this to a marriage is absurd. A marriage is a union of two people who love each other.

True, but we both love each other and we talked about marriage so that's why I said that.

I think you should add 2 degrees of timing and check the thermostat.

I lol'd

So whats the plan for the motor.

All kidding a side. Is she hot enough to be that crazy. Okay now I am done joking.

I have seen my friends in relationshops like this. They like the crazy environment. If you dont like it then get out.

Was gonna be a "re-ring and new main bearings" kinda deal but it snowballed into basically a full rebuild.

[andrewb70]

How old are you? You sound young...I have one word for you....NEXT!!!

Enjoy, have fun, live...You don't need drama.

Andrew

[solarguy09]

I think you should add 2 degrees of timing and check the thermostat.

Don't you think it will ping worse ??? Less advance, and more running...

[axisg]

I dunno what this has to do with being married, priorities change when you have kids.
" Married people....how the %&#*% do you do it? "

I love my wife dearly but I have a different kind of love for my kids based around protection and that's what life is like when you have kids. Let me put it this way, if I were in a situation where I could either save my wife of my kid the kid will get saved every time !

Dating girls with kids gets real complicated fast. If you can't deal with it then you should save the heartache and walk.

[skatinjay27]

I dunno what this has to do with being married, priorities change when you have kids.
" Married people....how the %&#*% do you do it? "

I love my wife dearly but I have a different kind of love for my kids based around protection and that's what life is like when you have kids. Let me put it this way, if I were in a situation where I could either save my wife of my kid the kid will get saved every time !

agreed! and no doubt your wife would do the same!

i find it absurd (but completely understand , as you don't have a kid of your own) that you would even have the nerve to mention/question that she loves him more and puts him first.
its a good thing he comes first, if it was the other way around then i would say run fast because that would speak volumes for her character (in a bad way)

[DarkoNova]

How old are you? You sound young...I have one word for you....NEXT!!!

Enjoy, have fun, live...You don't need drama.

Andrew

I'm 25. I've probably had a little too much fun judging by my past, lol.

I dunno what this has to do with being married, priorities change when you have kids.
" Married people....how the %&#*% do you do it? "

I love my wife dearly but I have a different kind of love for my kids based around protection and that's what life is like when you have kids. Let me put it this way, if I were in a situation where I could either save my wife of my kid the kid will get saved every time !

Dating girls with kids gets real complicated fast. If you can't deal with it then you should save the heartache and walk.

I can deal with it, though.

agreed! and no doubt your wife would do the same!

i find it absurd (but completely understand , as you don't have a kid of your own) that you would even have the nerve to mention/question that she loves him more and puts him first.
its a good thing he comes first, if it was the other way around then i would say run fast because that would speak volumes for her character (in a bad way)

See it's not that I questioned it. I know she's a mom and he's her flesh and blood so of course she's going to put him above everything else. It's just that...I dunno, it's hard to explain.

[LeighP]

My wife has kids from a previous marriage, I told her straight up I would never get between her and them in a "you have to love me more" scenario.....I'm sorry, but I can't see this going anywhere but bad.....please don't take this the wrong way, but she needs to get her **** in one pile, and you need some growing up time. The fact that you even think that she should care more for you than her child says a lot, to me.
Hey, not saying you're a bad guy here, don't get me wrong at all....situation you described and how you're looking at it just says to me you need some more time to settle into who you are and where you're going in life.
My advice....just back off and stay friends...if thats too hard to do (and I know it can be hard), then I'd back off further, cause theres a train wreck coming.

[Damn True]

I'm 25. I've probably had a little too much fun judging by my past, lol.



I can deal with it, though.



See it's not that I questioned it. I know she's a mom and he's her flesh and blood so of course she's going to put him above everything else. It's just that...I dunno, it's hard to explain.

1) You are 25. You haven't got much "past".
2) If this were so I wonder if this thread would be here?
3) Further supporting #2

[DarkoNova]

I like that this thread is only a few days old and yet it has like 500+ views.

My wife has kids from a previous marriage, I told her straight up I would never get between her and them in a "you have to love me more" scenario.....I'm sorry, but I can't see this going anywhere but bad.....please don't take this the wrong way, but she needs to get her **** in one pile, and you need some growing up time. The fact that you even think that she should care more for you than her child says a lot, to me.
Hey, not saying you're a bad guy here, don't get me wrong at all....situation you described and how you're looking at it just says to me you need some more time to settle into who you are and where you're going in life.
My advice....just back off and stay friends...if thats too hard to do (and I know it can be hard), then I'd back off further, cause theres a train wreck coming.

Well like I said it's hard to explain, but then again, it's not my flesh and blood. I probably do need some growing up time since I had a verbally/mentally abusive father and the last "real" (in quotes because high school **** isn't real) relationship I had was in high school. I dunno, I've never been a fan of relationships or marriage, I've made it clear to all my friends. I've been more of a Charlie Sheen kind of guy, going to bars and getting one night stands, and not calling them the next day.

This chick was different, though. I actually saw myself settling down with her. o_O

1) You are 25. You haven't got much "past".
2) If this were so I wonder if this thread would be here?
3) Further supporting #2

Well, I meant that I've got 2 DUI's and I've almost had kids from a few chicks, so I've had my "fun." When I started to think about getting with Sara I basically matured a bit and I stopped smoking cigarettes (not really for me, but because of the second hand smoke around her kid and/or our future kids) and I slowed WAY down on drinking.

But we started talking and it's notsomuch that we're breaking up, it's that she thinks we went too fast and went from basically being friends to dating to being married, all within a couple months. And I even admitted that over the past couple days it feels like before we started dating, we're talking more and we're both happier.

So who knows what'll happen....