Just a funny:

[Bill Howell]

A store selling new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1: These men Have Jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2: These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. "Wow" she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!," she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!." Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help With Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.



She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6: You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at The Husband Store.

!

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives who love sex.

The second floor has wives who love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

We have a winner......Both were great, and sadly, true, especially the "new wives" store......

[Bob Johnson]

guy goes to the doctor to get a check-up since he's just not feeling well..doctor comes back in and tells him he's got some good news and some bad news..which one do you want first? Guy tells him he wants the bad news first where he'll have something to look forward to. Doc tells him he has 2 weeks to live. His liver function is all but gone, his heart, kidneys, etc. are giving up due to diabetes. Guy says damn..What's the good news? Doc says did you see the receptionist when you walked in? The guy says you mean the one with those long legs, that firm round tight as*, big round perky tits, beautiful face and hair? Doc says yes...I'm PHUKIN her.

[Bob Johnson]

Gay guy is walkin home from a bar and walks by a park bench with a drunk laying there passed out. Gay guy pulls down the drunks pants and porks him real good. It was so good, when he was done, he slid a $20 bill in the drunks pocket. When the drunk woke up in the morning he felt in his pocket and found the @20. He went straight to the liquor store and asked the clerk for $20 worth of the cheapest wine he had. Goes back to his bench..drinks it all..passes out..guess what..the same gay guy comes back by and the same thing..leaves him another $20. Drunk goes back to the same liquor store and orders another batch of cheap wine..drinks it all and passes out again..Gay guy leaves the bar with 2 of his buddies..takes them to the park and all three of them have their way with the drunk. All leave him $20 each..Drunk wakes up goes straight to the liquor store and ask the clerk for $60 worth of the finest wine he has..Puzzled the clerk looks at him and says aren't you the same guy that's been ordering $20 worth of our cheapest wine? Drunks says yes, but I'm not drinking that cheap sh*t anymore, it's tearing my as* up...YOWZAA

[Bob Johnson]

guy goes to get a physical..Receptionist tells him to go to room 3..Goes to room 3..in walks nurse.she said we need a semen sample..pulls his PP out and proceeds to give him a BJ..just before he #@&*, she puts it to a cup and puts the proceeds in a cup. she takes him down the hall where there is several guys sitting in chairs with Hustler magazines just whakin off to beat the band..He says what are these guys doing? She says they're giving us a semen sample..He said, well I got a BJ..she said yes but they are on HMO PLAN

[Bob Johnson]

Guy is in the emergency waiting room awaiting word on his wife who has been in a terrible accident..Doc walks out..tells the guy his wife has been severly injured..will be a quadraplegic for the rest of her life..she will have no control over her bowels etc..she won't recognize him or her family..she will have to be hand fed..she will require constant nursing care..The guy starts sobbing uncontrollably..doc says..stop it man..I was just sh*tin you..she's dead..

[Doug Cooper]

Bob tell the brain transplant joke!

[Bob Johnson]

guys not feelin well..goes to doctor and after extensive test doctor tells him he's got good news and bad news. Guy ask for the bad news first..Doc says you've got brain cancer..guys says what's the good news..Doc says no problem we can give you a brain transplant..guy says what does it entail? Doc says just pick a brain out of our extensive inventory and we transplant it..guy says let me see what you have..Doc brings a brain out..this brain was Ben Franklins brain..it's $25K..guys says damn that's not bad what else do you have..Doc brings out another..it's Albert Einstein's brain..it's $35K..guy says wow..what else do you have..he brings another brain out..Doc says this one is $100K..guy says how can that be who's brain is that? Doc says it's Bill Howell's brain..Guy said why is it $100K?? Doc says..it's brand new..never been used.

[Bob Johnson]

It's no joking matter but Bill Howell PMed me earlier this morning thanking me for making his morning more bearable after the news he got yesterday of his father probably having lung cancer. On a more serious note we need to all keep our friend and fellow enthusiast Bill in our thoughts and prayers. After going thru this for 3 years with my youngest daughter and finally losing her to cancer at the ripe young age of 23, I know first hand what he is going thru. It's been 3 years since we lost her. They say time mends a broken heart. It must take a real long time because my wife and other 2 daughters and myself haven't yet begun to heal. Probably why I act so crazy half the time..got to laugh to keep from crying..

[Larry Callahan]

Badda bing!!! Bill? Your up! LOL!

[WS6]

sorry for your lose Bob. I think your 100% correct though, you gotta laugh to make it through some of the tougher times in life. thanks for the laughs.

[Bill Howell]

Dad is much better tonight, not out of the woods yet, but should live to fight another battle, thanks Bob.

OK, to the job at hand. Joke time.

Bob, being a bit older than the rest of us and remembers back before that great male medical break through, viagra.
Back in the early 90s, before viagra, Bob, sadly developed E.D.
Never to be one that let life get him down, he visited a doctor he had heard about that had a temporary fix. As the doctor explained, it was a shot that "fixed" him three times. The secret was to say the word "Beep" for "Attention" and say "Beep Beep" for "at ease". Though doubtful it would work, he agreed to the $500 fee and got the shot. Just to check on things, he went to the men's room to test things. Sure enough, "Beep" got the desired results, and "Beep Beep" settled things back down. Happy for the success, but wasting one of the three "opportunitys" he decided to rush home to the Mrs. As luck would have it, as soon as he gets on I-85 heading home a VW pulls up behind him. Beep goes the horn on the bug as it starts to pass ole cooter. Sure enough, Attention!. Once the bug passes, the driver toots the horn again,beep beep. E.D. sets back in. Worried now that he is about to waste the entire price of the shot, he races home. He has everything planned in his head, as soon as he gets in his driveway, he rips off his shirt, hollars at the Mrs. that he is the man and is ready for loving. Shocked at his prowless, she runs to see what the problem is. Well, bless his heart, by the time he hits the front door, he is in the buff. "Beep!", he exclaims as he "helps" her remove her clothes. Suddenly the Mrs. screams, "What is all this beep beep crap about?"

To say the least, Bob was so happy when the little blue pill was introduced.

[WS6]

UCLA Medical Research

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.

Further studies are expected.

[Bob Johnson]

Glad your dads better wild Bill. Two Tennesse hillbillies are in a tree stand hunting deer when the stand breaks dropping the two HB's 25 feet to the ground. 5 minutes later the game warden walks by and one of them is giving the other one a BJ. he says what the hell is going on here. One looks up and said we were in the deer stand, it broke, and we fell to the ground and knocked the breath out of my buddy here. The game warden said..well you're supposed to be giving him mouth to mouth resuscitation. The guys blurts back..what the phuk you think led up to this..

[mpozzi]

Okay, here goes nuthin' . . .

The Lone Ranger is taking a short trail ride on ol' Silver when he's ambushed by Indians who have just about had it with all that "Law and Order" crap. They haul the Ranger's butt back to their tribe and tie him to a large stake. The Chief of the tribe comes out and is prepared to give the order for the braves to fire their arrows when the Lone Ranger calls for a time-out. He motions to the Chief and says that in the white man's culture, the condemned is usually given one last request.

Well, the Chief agrees and the Lone Ranger whistles Silver over, whispers in Silver's ear, and watches the horse take off at a dead run out of camp. Silver returns a few minutes later with a gorgeous blonde in the saddle. She's naked, long blonde hair, perky ones, and has all that youthful s**t going for her, the bitch. Silver slides to a stop, the blonde gets down out of the saddle, goes to the Lone Ranger and unties him. They head over to the Chief's teepee and make mad, passionate love for an hour. When done, the Lone Ranger comes out and resumes his position at the stake. Silver takes the blonde away and comes back.

Well, the braves pick up their bows and arrows, assume the position and await the Chief's orders to finish the job when the Chief stops them. He says to the Lone Ranger . . . "What was all that about?? What a magnificent horse. Can he do that again??" Well, the Lone Ranger says that Silver can and proceeds to whistle him over again. The braves again put down the bows and wait while the Lone Ranger whispers in Silver's ear and watches while the horse again takes off for parts unknown. A few minutes later he returns with a brunette. She's naked, gorgeous, with the aforementioned perky ones, and a real looker as well. The brunette gets off Silver, goes over to the Lone Ranger, unties him . . . and since he's of legendary proportions (some women call him the Long Ranger . . . ) and accomplishments, both he and brunette go back inside the Chief's tee-pee and don't come out for another hour. When satisfied smiles, the Lone Ranger again takes up position at the stake and Silver takes the girl away. Silver again returns . . .

Well, by now the Chief AND braves are in awe!!! They are amazed at this horse, the relationship between the Lone Ranger and Silver, and really can't believe what they've seen. The Chief again asks the Lone Ranger if Silver can do this one more time (personally, I think the old dude's horny . . . ) and the Lone Ranger takes a huge sigh and says "Okay, ONE MORE TIME . . . "

He whistles Silver over and whispers in his ear . . . "Okay A-hole, . . . POSSE, POSSE . . . "

[ProTouring442]

Bill & Bob, My wife and I will keep both of your families in our prayers. This sort of stuff always reminds me of a line from the movie "Tombstone." It's not funny, but I think it's very true. Doc Holiday is dying, and when Wyatt Earp comes to visit Doc asks him what he wanted out of life. Wyatt replies "oh just a normal life I guess." To this Doc says "there is no such thing as a normal life Wyatt, there's just life and you get on with it."

Shiny Side Up!
Bill

[Bob Johnson]

guys in the waiting room in the maternity ward of the hospital while his wife is delivering a baby..it's been 10 hrs. and he's tired and worried. The doc walks out with a long sad look on his face. man asks is everything OK. doc says no there's been some complications. Man asks if my wife OK..Doc says yes your wife is fine but the baby is not. Man asks what's wrong. Doc says well the baby is deformed. Man asks well what's wrong with it. Doc says well it is nothing but a big eye ball..no arms/legs/torso..just a big eye ball..man starts to sob and says oh my gosh, what could be worse than that. Doc says..IT'S BLIND...

[Bob Johnson]

couple of Tennesse Hill Billys walking down the street in Pigeon Forge when they come up on a dog sitting there licking his privates..one looks at the other and said don't you wish you could do that..Other said yes but I'm afraid he'd bite me...

[shmoov69]

What is the difference between a homo and a fridge?











The fridge doesn't fart when the meat is pulled out!

Thankfully!

[Bob Johnson]

Girl goes into Tatoo parlor and tells the artist to put a tatoo of Elvis on her inner leg near her crotch..tatoo artist works real hard and is proud of his work..when he's done he ask her what she thinks..She doesn't think it looks anything like Elvis..so he goes to the other side to do it over..really works hard on it and he's really proud of his work..tells her to look..she does and said it looks nothing like Elvis..Artist is pis*ed..he accuses her of trying to not pay him by acting dissatisfied. He says look, the first person that comes by we will get to look at the tatoos and if he says it doesn't look like Elvis..you don't pay..but if he says it does..you owe me for the tatoo..They agree..go to the sidewalk out front and up walks a drunk..he asks him to come in and settle an argument..Drunk walks in..girl pulls up her dress, takes off her panties..artist said look in there and tell me who that looks like..drunk looks at one side..then the other..then stares in the middle..same again..finally he says..I don't know who those 2 dudes are on each side are but that guy in the middle with the scraggley beard and the bad breath is definately Willie Nelson..

[shmoov69]

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and soon the building was engulfed in flames.

The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the firefighters appeared on the scene, the president of the chemical company rushed to the fire chief and explained that all of the company's secret formulas were in a safe in the center of the plant.

He said he would pay a bonus of $50,000 if they could recover the safe.

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off, and soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became increasingly desperate.

As additional firefighters arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department that could recover the company's safe.

Then, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural Volunteer Fire Company comprised mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down firetruck, operated by these old Norwegians, passed all the newer and sleek firetrucks parked outside the burning plant - - - and to everyone's shock it drove straight into the middle of the inferno!

All the other firefighters watched in awe as the Norwegian old-timers jumped off their truck and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norwegian old-timers had exited the fire and the company's safe was found intact.

The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly Norwegian fire fighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on camera and asked the Norwegian fire chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "da furst thing ve do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"


Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job four years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is buy cigars and cruise around and bull**** with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter went away to college, he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed, Clueless

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore.

You're a United States senator from New York. Act like it!


A couple, both rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the
doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor asked them why, after 9 children, would they choose to do this. The husband replied that they had read a recent article that 1 out of every 10 children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn't want a Mexican baby
because neither of them could speak Spanish.


Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)

Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.


Then there's the Law of Politics: The more ignorant the candidate, the more intelligent he will appear to the voters!