Married people....how the %&#*% do you do it?

[DarkoNova]

Long story. And I've been drinking, so it's probably going to be longer due to rambling, so bear with me.

Basically, in high school I met this girl; Sara. She was awesome, and I had feelings for her, but I was already dating another chick. I eventually broke up with that chick, but I never got the courage to ask out this one. Then we graduate and go our separate ways. Fast forward to a couple years ago and I get a friend request from her on Facebook. So we start talking. I mean talking. I don't think a day went by where we didn't text each other.

So finally in December last year I asked her out. Things have changed now since it's been a good 8 years since high school. She has a kid and has put on a few pounds, but I don't care. I love her.

Even before I asked her out, we'd hang out and drink almost every weekend. Probably sounds bad since she has a 3 year old, but it's at her sister's house, so her sister, her sister's husband, and her nephew are there to keep us under control (not that we ever get rowdy drunk or anything) and to entertain her son while we're outside smoking cigarettes or whatever. She's a really good mom.

Anyway, so we're going out and in January she started school. She also tried to get her son into preschool but there's been a problem because she just moved so they need different forms or something so he can't start yet. Anyway, there's been a few times where I go to her house and basically stay from like Tuesday to Friday and I just look after her son while she's at school. He's a cool kid, he calls me "dude" and says I'm his best friend. :twothumbs We've even talked about marriage and where we want to live, how many kids we want, etc.

Well apparently one of her exes abused her, and her dad is an alcoholic drug addict and her mom died of cancer, so she has some issues. Mainly self esteem issues. I already mentioned she's slightly on the large side, but she's still beautiful. But she doesn't see herself that way, and damn near every day when we'd hang out, it could be someone on tv or someone on the street but she'd ask "do you think she's pretty?" One day she was going through my phone (she asked to use it for something and then started going through my texts) and she was reading a text from a mutual high school friend and he said something like "hey are you hanging out with kari?" I said "no, why?" and he was like "she freakin loves you, so I just thought you'd be hanging out all the time" or something and I was like "uh....really? wtf?" and she saw that and was like "omg you love kari omg wtf" and didn't talk to me for a few hours. I already brought this up on another forum and the whole forum was basically like "not your phone, not your business" to her and "i don't see wtf the problem is, he was just asking wtf, it's not like he has feelings for her".

And then the past two weeks I was there from Tuesday to Friday watching her son while she was at school and this last week we were bickering about stuff, I don't really remember what exactly. But she asked if there was anything that bothered me, and I said yeah, sometimes it feels like you love your son more than me. I mean yeah, she's a mom, and he's her flesh and blood, but she says she loves me but she does stuff sometimes that just seems like she ignores me and goes straight for him. A couple days later she said that really bothers her more than she thought it would. Then she started saying she thinks we need a break because we went from best friends to like married and I'm like wtf?

I've seen Friends. Ross and Rachel took a "break" and they never got back together. :crying:

Then today, I dropped off my rotating assembly at a machine shop, she texted me something along the lines of "jesus I've been going since 8!" so we texted for a bit back and forth.

I get home, and I check facebook and I see she changed her relationship status to single. :squint:

I commented on the status "wtf, this is news to me", I called her, she didn't pick up. I left a message. Then she texts me "omg matt, I'm in class."

I knew she was but I was at our friend's house (basically when I have problems with Sara, I go to Mary's house. Mary is one of Sara's best friends and I met her through Sara) and Mary told me to call her. So I responded "I know, but just call/text me when you get out please?"

I dunno, maybe I'm ranting, maybe I'm looking for advice, but this **** is just driving me insane. I'm drinking right now because she's really the only person I talk to (aside from Mary, but Mary doesn't have a phone) so now I have nothing to do since I'm unemployed and now I have nobody to talk to.

I don't know what I'll do if she really doesn't want to be together anymore. :(

[Iamtheonlyreal1]

It always seems worse in the moment than it really is. Here is a bit of advice to live by... If a relationship has to be Made, it isnt a real relationship. There is always comprimise, but comprimise shouldnt be an issue.. If comprimise is ever an issue that festers, there is a good chance resentment will kick in later, and destroy everything you thought you had. We lie to ourselves, and say that we can get over something that we really dont want to, and it always comes back later.. If we were a bit more honest with ourselves, and understood what we really wanted, we would probably not waste as much time with the wrong person.. I dont think there is a person in here that can honestly say, they made the right decision the first time. ha ha

As far as her loving her child more, you will Never win that battle, and you Shouldnt win that battle. Once the child is born, the child should always be the first concern. I would agree that the child should not be spoiled, and that there should be times that the child is not the focus, but that is generally after a set bed time.

Here is one of the key things that I have learned over the years.. Do not be the Wimp. Do not cry, or get too distressed over the potential loss of a woman.. There is nothing that will change a womans view of the Man she had, when he begging for her to come back. It is very demasculating, and it is something that you could never rebound from in her eyes.

We have all had relationships that we didnt want to fail, but it is beyond our control. A true relationship is based off of Pure Respesct and Honesty, and if you dont have that foundation, you have nothing to start with.. Too many people try to make things work, because they are afraid to move on and start over, but you are just prolonging the inevitible.. We have all had the times when we thought we wouldnt find anyone else or any better relationship, but we do, and often wonder what we were thinking before.. LOL

Here is another thing to think about.. There is someone for everyone, and you will know them when you meet them. But lifes decisions, whether it be marriage to someone else or a totally different life direction, will dictate whether or not anything could ever come of it. Just because they were right for you in the past, doesnt mean the person they have become, will be right for you. People change through their life experiences and choices, and the affects of these choices and experiences affect how they deal with the people they are in a relationship with. Unless you meet someone that has the exact same direction and goals as you, you need to find someone who hasnt already made their Life Path, because you will never fit into a predetermined path. People need to grow together, because if they are not growing together, it only turns into upcoming resentment and disgust.. In order to love someone, you must love and respect the Absolute Worst of them. You may not understand why they do what they do, but you must respect them enough to embrace the deficiencies.

[Mr.VENGEANCE]

https://static1.pt-content.com/images/pt/2012/02/tumblr_lwp8gzzLrn1qbd3nu-1.gif

[Chevrolaine]

Blood is thicker than water....
Sounds like things just happened way too fast for her. Give her some room. Worst thing you could do is keep hounding her.

[shortrack]

Be careful of issues.....relationships work well when both people grew up in a similar home environment....by that I mean if one person grew up in a crazy household with a lot of conflict and the other person grew up in a calm respectful home it can be very difficult.

[CreepinDeth]

https://static1.pt-content.com/images/noimg.gif

lol.....



I don't know what I'll do if she really doesn't want to be together anymore. :(

The answer is quite simple really.....
Don't be a Stage 5 clinger. Women despise clingy men. It shows a lack of confidence.
Evaluate what you did wrong. Regain your confidence and move on. Plenty of women out there.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=14ZO1b3T6jo&feature=fvwrel

[CFster]

Yeah when you asked her why she loves her son more than you that scared her off. No doubt about it. Suffice it to say her son will always be #1.

On a personal note I'm divorced and would make sure I was in a serious relationship before introducing my kids to that person. It's too easy for them to get attached.

[MrQuick]

She has been abused in the past and might have an abusive vise....all equals a chaotic relationship. She seeks chaos. In a sense you may also, its only natural. You want to try to fix broken things.

My advice is either help her get help, or break it off and keep it friends but brace for a heart break. its coming. But really break it off and no longer contact her. Best way to break a bad habit is cold turkey.

BTW comparing this to a marriage is absurd. A marriage is a union of two people who love each other.

[ATOMonkey]

Dude, RUN!!!

[Blown73]

I think you should add 2 degrees of timing and check the thermostat.

[Bryce]

Then today, I dropped off my rotating assembly at a machine shop

So whats the plan for the motor.

All kidding a side. Is she hot enough to be that crazy. Okay now I am done joking.

I have seen my friends in relationshops like this. They like the crazy environment. If you dont like it then get out.

[DarkoNova]

BTW comparing this to a marriage is absurd. A marriage is a union of two people who love each other.

True, but we both love each other and we talked about marriage so that's why I said that.


I think you should add 2 degrees of timing and check the thermostat.

I lol'd


So whats the plan for the motor.

All kidding a side. Is she hot enough to be that crazy. Okay now I am done joking.

I have seen my friends in relationshops like this. They like the crazy environment. If you dont like it then get out.

Was gonna be a "re-ring and new main bearings" kinda deal but it snowballed into basically a full rebuild.

[andrewb70]

How old are you? You sound young...I have one word for you....NEXT!!!

Enjoy, have fun, live...You don't need drama.

Andrew

[solarguy09]

I think you should add 2 degrees of timing and check the thermostat.

Don't you think it will ping worse ??? Less advance, and more running...

[axisg]

I dunno what this has to do with being married, priorities change when you have kids.
" Married people....how the %&#*% do you do it? "

I love my wife dearly but I have a different kind of love for my kids based around protection and that's what life is like when you have kids. Let me put it this way, if I were in a situation where I could either save my wife of my kid the kid will get saved every time !

Dating girls with kids gets real complicated fast. If you can't deal with it then you should save the heartache and walk.

[skatinjay27]

I dunno what this has to do with being married, priorities change when you have kids.
" Married people....how the %&#*% do you do it? "

I love my wife dearly but I have a different kind of love for my kids based around protection and that's what life is like when you have kids. Let me put it this way, if I were in a situation where I could either save my wife of my kid the kid will get saved every time !

agreed! and no doubt your wife would do the same!

i find it absurd (but completely understand , as you don't have a kid of your own) that you would even have the nerve to mention/question that she loves him more and puts him first.
its a good thing he comes first, if it was the other way around then i would say run fast because that would speak volumes for her character (in a bad way)

[DarkoNova]

How old are you? You sound young...I have one word for you....NEXT!!!

Enjoy, have fun, live...You don't need drama.

Andrew

I'm 25. I've probably had a little too much fun judging by my past, lol.


I dunno what this has to do with being married, priorities change when you have kids.
" Married people....how the %&#*% do you do it? "

I love my wife dearly but I have a different kind of love for my kids based around protection and that's what life is like when you have kids. Let me put it this way, if I were in a situation where I could either save my wife of my kid the kid will get saved every time !

Dating girls with kids gets real complicated fast. If you can't deal with it then you should save the heartache and walk.

I can deal with it, though.


agreed! and no doubt your wife would do the same!

i find it absurd (but completely understand , as you don't have a kid of your own) that you would even have the nerve to mention/question that she loves him more and puts him first.
its a good thing he comes first, if it was the other way around then i would say run fast because that would speak volumes for her character (in a bad way)

See it's not that I questioned it. I know she's a mom and he's her flesh and blood so of course she's going to put him above everything else. It's just that...I dunno, it's hard to explain.

[LeighP]

My wife has kids from a previous marriage, I told her straight up I would never get between her and them in a "you have to love me more" scenario.....I'm sorry, but I can't see this going anywhere but bad.....please don't take this the wrong way, but she needs to get her **** in one pile, and you need some growing up time. The fact that you even think that she should care more for you than her child says a lot, to me.
Hey, not saying you're a bad guy here, don't get me wrong at all....situation you described and how you're looking at it just says to me you need some more time to settle into who you are and where you're going in life.
My advice....just back off and stay friends...if thats too hard to do (and I know it can be hard), then I'd back off further, cause theres a train wreck coming.

[Damn True]

I'm 25. I've probably had a little too much fun judging by my past, lol.



I can deal with it, though.



See it's not that I questioned it. I know she's a mom and he's her flesh and blood so of course she's going to put him above everything else. It's just that...I dunno, it's hard to explain.

1) You are 25. You haven't got much "past".
2) If this were so I wonder if this thread would be here?
3) Further supporting #2

[DarkoNova]

I like that this thread is only a few days old and yet it has like 500+ views. :)


My wife has kids from a previous marriage, I told her straight up I would never get between her and them in a "you have to love me more" scenario.....I'm sorry, but I can't see this going anywhere but bad.....please don't take this the wrong way, but she needs to get her **** in one pile, and you need some growing up time. The fact that you even think that she should care more for you than her child says a lot, to me.
Hey, not saying you're a bad guy here, don't get me wrong at all....situation you described and how you're looking at it just says to me you need some more time to settle into who you are and where you're going in life.
My advice....just back off and stay friends...if thats too hard to do (and I know it can be hard), then I'd back off further, cause theres a train wreck coming.

Well like I said it's hard to explain, but then again, it's not my flesh and blood. I probably do need some growing up time since I had a verbally/mentally abusive father and the last "real" (in quotes because high school **** isn't real) relationship I had was in high school. I dunno, I've never been a fan of relationships or marriage, I've made it clear to all my friends. I've been more of a Charlie Sheen kind of guy, going to bars and getting one night stands, and not calling them the next day.

This chick was different, though. I actually saw myself settling down with her. o_O


1) You are 25. You haven't got much "past".
2) If this were so I wonder if this thread would be here?
3) Further supporting #2

Well, I meant that I've got 2 DUI's and I've almost had kids from a few chicks, so I've had my "fun." When I started to think about getting with Sara I basically matured a bit and I stopped smoking cigarettes (not really for me, but because of the second hand smoke around her kid and/or our future kids) and I slowed WAY down on drinking.

But we started talking and it's notsomuch that we're breaking up, it's that she thinks we went too fast and went from basically being friends to dating to being married, all within a couple months. And I even admitted that over the past couple days it feels like before we started dating, we're talking more and we're both happier.

So who knows what'll happen....

[ace_xp2]

Look at what losing a child does to couples (married or otherwise) who were together long before having a child. You can't possibly expect to be the latest up and comer in her life and have the same kind of pull as a life that she created. Don't forget it sounds like she's thought she was in love a time or two in the past, and based on where she is now it doesn't sound like that went well for her.
Oh, and a lot of those Charlie Sheen guys do one other thing as often as one night stands, it's called cheating (not that you do, it's just a part of that character which most girls come across). If you've set yourself up as the "on to the next one" guy in the eyes of others, then it's understandable that she's over concerned you've already got the next one queued up. It's her issue, but I've seen that persona kill trust in relationships before it even has a chance to grow.

[MonzaRacer]

Ok Ill weigh in here,,,dated a lady with two kids, she was in loveless,crap, marriage.
finally got the ******* out.
WE were friends,, my dad got us talking. I was simply trying to be her friend,,,,and did become her friend. she kept saying no sex, no strings, nothing personal etc.
Well she took it farther, dont get me wrong her kids loved me being around because she was happy when I was around.
Went on for few months,,,,then one night she just cuts it off.
Dont get me wrong, if she wanted to back up fine, I was ok with it that way.
Well a friend of mine,,a guy, he starts hanging out,,,,but her kids come over and ask why I am not staying away, and their mom isnt happy, they can tell.
Well then she decides to move away, hooked up with different guy after about a month,,,not best guy in world,,,his past hurts her case with kids,,but so far so fine.
Been 10 yrs and she is still with him but on opposite sides of house. Saw her and kids last week, daughter is what 17,18 now. Odd thing is Isee her she lights up and I ask her what happened,, she was jealous of me and kids.
Hmmm
Well anyway, as for Charlie Sheen moments, drinks and a different girl every night,,that gets old,,fast and is dangerous anymore.
Too bad so many guys think a wife is a ball and chain or a nuisance. Bad thing is being alone and having NO connection,,,,well its worse than a girl every night.
If she feels its going too fast slow down, be a friend, get comfortable, but dont push. Be open as to the fact you both have rocky family past, maybe even rocky life with past relationships. IF you really care for her and the son, be honest, but not pushy. Give her a chance, it sounds like she cares or you wouldnt be around. Build trust between your selves, trust is paramount to building a relationship.
Take your time. If your 25 , you are still young, together it could be great for both of you,,,,patience is the key. Also understand, mothers and kids are inseparable, Enjoy that fact, it means she hasnt hardened her heart. Revel in the fact that she loves her kid, and even thinks about more kids.
Being grown up also means understanding that faith, trust and love are all intertwined and dont doubt certain things,,,if she has feelings they will aways be there. You just have to trust the feelings that lasted for a while. The fact that you think she still looks good tells me that she IS a serious player for your efforts, just keep the faith, dont get drunk over the stupid stuff its clouds your brain and does nothign to help when your having issues.
Clear head and heart works much better. One drink, fine, two fine, finish the bottle or try to drink the bar dry its just wasted money and brain cells.
Quitting smoking is best thing for you, the fact that she took you far enough away from an addiction that you could quit,,,,thats a pretty good thing.
Be careful because if she can put up with you and your car she is good one. Let her know that your car can be kind of like a child,,hard to part with.
Just remember if it becomes you and her its side by side guiding the little one, not dragging him along.
He can be the cement that binds you two together or a wedge. He likes you, thats great,,,,that means only you or her could make him a wedge.
Be cool. and calm. When it feels right let her know how important she is and her boy.
But not scary talk, just honest and right there. and let her know no pressure, you just dont want to lose a friend.
Good Luck
Lee
PS if your religious, Talk to God, if not, might be a good time to start talking,,,,good listener,,,,always seems to have an ear for peoples problems. Again Good luck.

[sokoloka]

Well, I meant that I've got 2 DUI's and I've almost had kids from a few chicks, so I've had my "fun." When I started to think about getting with Sara I basically matured a bit and I stopped smoking cigarettes (not really for me, but because of the second hand smoke around her kid and/or our future kids) and I slowed WAY down on drinking.

Not really to do much with the topic of the thread, but the latter should have happened WAY before meeting this chick.

[CFster]

"Almost had kids from a few chicks". Got to wonder what that means.

[go-fish]

Being married to a woman is like driving on a bad road in a nice car. The road is the "marriage" and the "car" is the woman. There will be times when you have fresh pavement to ride on and you love your car because the ride is smooth and you don't hear any squeaks and rattles.
Every voyage finds the bumps in the road though. The bumps mostly depend on emotional baggage (usually buried DEEP in the trunk). In this case it is her kid, her fledgling career/training, socio-economic reasons, etc .....
Some people like to trade their car in when the rattles and squeaks get to be too loud, but rest assured, every "car" eventually develops wear because of the nature of the road (i.e. being married). It takes a while but they will all take you off of the smooth pavement. You can only partially control the route.
If you aren't interested in driving over bumpy roads, don't get married. Some people prefer to lease "cars" their whole life.

There is one good payoff with driving the same car and having "brand loyalty". You may have to do a lot more maintenance and put more work into it but it's like having the maintenance records. Some of the maintenance records earlier in the "cars" life may be from someone else but you know, from your time with the "car", when each issue showed itself and you know the action that was performed to make it better. Soon enough you can grow to know your "car" so well that you can head off expensive repair bills and avoid the complete overhaul.

My advice to you: Stay away from expensive Italian models because while they may be fun to look at and your friends stare at her, the repair bills are enormous and drivers often let them go to avoid the repairs. Stay away from the 15 passenger Ford Econoline Van; they were MADE for baggage!

My woman is a classic VW Beetle. Quirky. Makes a lot of noise. I have to do only routine maintenance but she's dependable as all hell. We've seen bad roads before but we went into Baja mode and made it through. The best this is that "cars" of this genre never go out of style and I don't feel compelled to trade her in.
Currently, we are back on a smooth highway. As we carry our little ones to their next stop (toward adult hood) I am noticing the street lights are going by faster and faster. I guess you could say that the better the "car" the slower you want to go. At that point it becomes about the journey and not the destination.

[sr73bu]

Being married to a woman is like driving on a bad road in a nice car. The road is the "marriage" and the "car" is the woman. There will be times when you have fresh pavement to ride on and you love your car because the ride is smooth and you don't hear any squeaks and rattles.
Every voyage finds the bumps in the road though. The bumps mostly depend on emotional baggage (usually buried DEEP in the trunk). In this case it is her kid, her fledgling career/training, socio-economic reasons, etc .....
Some people like to trade their car in when the rattles and squeaks get to be too loud, but rest assured, every "car" eventually develops wear because of the nature of the road (i.e. being married). It takes a while but they will all take you off of the smooth pavement. You can only partially control the route.
If you aren't interested in driving over bumpy roads, don't get married. Some people prefer to lease "cars" their whole life.

There is one good payoff with driving the same car and having "brand loyalty". You may have to do a lot more maintenance and put more work into it but it's like having the maintenance records. Some of the maintenance records earlier in the "cars" life may be from someone else but you know, from your time with the "car", when each issue showed itself and you know the action that was performed to make it better. Soon enough you can grow to know your "car" so well that you can head off expensive repair bills and avoid the complete overhaul.

My advice to you: Stay away from expensive Italian models because while they may be fun to look at and your friends stare at her, the repair bills are enormous and drivers often let them go to avoid the repairs. Stay away from the 15 passenger Ford Econoline Van; they were MADE for baggage!

My woman is a classic VW Beetle. Quirky. Makes a lot of noise. I have to do only routine maintenance but she's dependable as all hell. We've seen bad roads before but we went into Baja mode and made it through. The best this is that "cars" of this genre never go out of style and I don't feel compelled to trade her in.
Currently, we are back on a smooth highway. As we carry our little ones to their next stop (toward adult hood) I am noticing the street lights are going by faster and faster. I guess you could say that the better the "car" the slower you want to go. At that point it becomes about the journey and not the destination.

You nailed it Johnny.... I too have a very dependable VW Bug... that air cooled motor gives me hell when it gets hot... but she's never left me stranded...

I've dated a few hot rods and exotics... fun for a while... but the constant work and attention they get always leads to trouble...

not to say that VW bugs can't be sexy...(just incase the wife reads this) hehe

-Sean

[FatfreeGTO]

Great now I have to tell my GF that she is a VW Bug... Can't wait to see her reaction to that one! HA

But in response to the OP sounds like you are in a big rush to get married and have kids... Just relax, the relationships that work are for the most part drama free. Don't go trying to fix someone, just appreciate them for who they are or move on.

[ehummelman]

Wow, this one is too tempting to not chime in. I refrain from advice normally but since you asked... Keep it as low key as possible for now. It doesn't sound like either of you are mature enough or have your **** together enough right now for a serious relationship. Don't even think about marriage to her or anyone. And I'm not sure this is even the girl you need to be with right now (i.e a whole lot of emotional baggage). Sometimes your heart makes you do things that you shouldn't, sometimes your "other" parts do too, and sometimes your brain says this is the perfect girl on paper, but the other 2 primary organs don't agree. The best you can hope for is a mix of the three with proportions of each that you can live with. I can tell you that every woman has baggage, every relationship has drama. It's just how much and how often it's a problem. I know that when I was 25 I thought I was experienced, and I knew what I wanted. Guess what - I was only sort of on the track. Luckily, the girl I met about that time ended up growing and changing with me and not away from me. We're married now with kids and things are still changing. As long as both of you can roll with the changes, and most importantly roll together, it's all good. That's my story, and I consider myself lucky to have found her. Before that, I was having "too much" fun as you say as well. I don't regret it either, it was awesome. And if I hadn't done it, I wouldn't be who I am now, and probably would have messed up my relationship with my wife before it got started.

[paul67]

Stick with cars there less hassle,if you don't dress up they don't moan ,if you stay out all night they don't moan,if you don't spend much money on them they don't moan,they can cost more but ears are never burning,trust me 25yrs,do what i want when and what i spend money on.Get another hobby to take your mind off her.

[go-fish]

FWIW I used the VW Beetle analogy because at the moment (8 months pregnant) she resembles one. She likes beetles too and an understanding woman will brush away their man's retarded analogies and know that, at least, he meant well and she knows she's safe from having a guy that wants to "test drive" every "car" he sees.. LOL.

[DarkoNova]

Ok Ill weigh in here,,,dated a lady with two kids, she was in loveless,crap, marriage.
finally got the ******* out.
WE were friends,, my dad got us talking. I was simply trying to be her friend,,,,and did become her friend. she kept saying no sex, no strings, nothing personal etc.
Well she took it farther, dont get me wrong her kids loved me being around because she was happy when I was around.
Went on for few months,,,,then one night she just cuts it off.
Dont get me wrong, if she wanted to back up fine, I was ok with it that way.
Well a friend of mine,,a guy, he starts hanging out,,,,but her kids come over and ask why I am not staying away, and their mom isnt happy, they can tell.
Well then she decides to move away, hooked up with different guy after about a month,,,not best guy in world,,,his past hurts her case with kids,,but so far so fine.
Been 10 yrs and she is still with him but on opposite sides of house. Saw her and kids last week, daughter is what 17,18 now. Odd thing is Isee her she lights up and I ask her what happened,, she was jealous of me and kids.
Hmmm
Well anyway, as for Charlie Sheen moments, drinks and a different girl every night,,that gets old,,fast and is dangerous anymore.
Too bad so many guys think a wife is a ball and chain or a nuisance. Bad thing is being alone and having NO connection,,,,well its worse than a girl every night.
If she feels its going too fast slow down, be a friend, get comfortable, but dont push. Be open as to the fact you both have rocky family past, maybe even rocky life with past relationships. IF you really care for her and the son, be honest, but not pushy. Give her a chance, it sounds like she cares or you wouldnt be around. Build trust between your selves, trust is paramount to building a relationship.
Take your time. If your 25 , you are still young, together it could be great for both of you,,,,patience is the key. Also understand, mothers and kids are inseparable, Enjoy that fact, it means she hasnt hardened her heart. Revel in the fact that she loves her kid, and even thinks about more kids.
Being grown up also means understanding that faith, trust and love are all intertwined and dont doubt certain things,,,if she has feelings they will aways be there. You just have to trust the feelings that lasted for a while. The fact that you think she still looks good tells me that she IS a serious player for your efforts, just keep the faith, dont get drunk over the stupid stuff its clouds your brain and does nothign to help when your having issues.
Clear head and heart works much better. One drink, fine, two fine, finish the bottle or try to drink the bar dry its just wasted money and brain cells.
Quitting smoking is best thing for you, the fact that she took you far enough away from an addiction that you could quit,,,,thats a pretty good thing.
Be careful because if she can put up with you and your car she is good one. Let her know that your car can be kind of like a child,,hard to part with.
Just remember if it becomes you and her its side by side guiding the little one, not dragging him along.
He can be the cement that binds you two together or a wedge. He likes you, thats great,,,,that means only you or her could make him a wedge.
Be cool. and calm. When it feels right let her know how important she is and her boy.
But not scary talk, just honest and right there. and let her know no pressure, you just dont want to lose a friend.
Good Luck
Lee
PS if your religious, Talk to God, if not, might be a good time to start talking,,,,good listener,,,,always seems to have an ear for peoples problems. Again Good luck.

This was a great post. Thanks Lee. And yeah, she loves my car. She said she already liked me in high school but when she saw my car she liked me even more. :) I honestly think she wants me to get it running more than I do, lol.


Not really to do much with the topic of the thread, but the latter should have happened WAY before meeting this chick.

Yeah, the first one was weird since I wasn't drunk (it was the next day; I guess I have a ridiculously high tolerance) and I was on the side of the freeway on those phone box things because my cell phone died and I was out of gas when I got busted. I guess because of that I figured it was just bad luck and it wouldn't happen again. Then I did it again and totalled my car. After that I stopped drinking and driving, but I still drank a lot on the weekends. She told me flat out that she doesn't like being around me when I'm that drunk because I stop caring about basically everything and she didn't want that to influence her kid. So now I just have a couple beers and I'm done.


"Almost had kids from a few chicks". Got to wonder what that means.

Not necessarily my fault, a lot of the chicks I've dated end up being kinda crazy. I don't know if they poked holes in condoms or if they were just messing with me to try and get money. I mean my main high school girlfriend ended up going to therapy and stalking me. Even after I changed my phone number she somehow found it and wouldn't leave me alone.

And Johnny, I like that car reference, lol. :)

[andrewb70]

Hey Matt,

I have a radical idea. Why don't you be single for a while? I am being 100% serious.

When I was 22, I was living at home, going to college, etc...I met a girl, we started dating, things got serious, we got engaged, moved in together, got married, had kids, $**t happened, we got divorced. I lived alone for 4 months and started living with another woman. We lived together for 5 years. By this point I was 36 years old. Do you see my point? From birth to 36 years of age, I never lived alone. I never had a chance to figure out who I was, what I wanted, what I needed, etc...

From age 36 to about a year ago I was alone and it has been one of the most productive periods of my life. It's truly been an amazing ride.

Take all that for what it's worth....

Andrew

[67gtonut]

Wow....

All I can say is ..... "train wreck"

Run.... be single. You need some time, you have too many issues of your own to be attached to someone that also has issues....

[406 Q-ship]

Hey Matt,

I have a radical idea. Why don't you be single for a while? I am being 100% serious.

When I was 22, I was living at home, going to college, etc...I met a girl, we started dating, things got serious, we got engaged, moved in together, got married, had kids, $**t happened, we got divorced. I lived alone for 4 months and started living with another woman. We lived together for 5 years. By this point I was 36 years old. Do you see my point? From birth to 36 years of age, I never lived alone. I never had a chance to figure out who I was, what I wanted, what I needed, etc...

From age 36 to about a year ago I was alone and it has been one of the most productive periods of my life. It's truly been an amazing ride.

Take all that for what it's worth....

Andrew

Listen to him, for he speaks the truth. I found years ago that we must love and respect ourself before we stand any chance in a relationship. I have been single all my life, and know this that it is not the end of the world if you never marry or have children. I know of what i say, for I am my own child.

[class67]

Be young! life's to short, roll with it and have fun...

[SparkyRnD]

my friends and I have a saying that may be appropriate at a time like this:

"sack up, dude". Means crank up some testosterone, let the pair drop down a little and move on. She's young with a child, and that child is #1 and NEEDS to be #1. At best, you will always be #2, and that is how it should be. You'll understand one day if you have kids yourself. You probably need someone that doesn't have as many issues or complications based on what I read. Also, the demons that are there before marriage will be the same or possibly worse after marriage, so make sure you clear your head before going forward.

[ErikLS2]

People will tend to re-create in adulthood what they experienced as a child. They will do this, no matter how crazy those experiences are i.e. abuse, chaos, etc., until they have enough stuff happen to them that they get professional help. Do not think that if you provide a stable comfortable household that they will settle down and it will change them (ask me how I know). They will CREATE what is familiar to them if it's not already happening organically, sometimes by turning the most ordinary everyday occurrences into a dramatic mess. If you have had similarly crazy experiences as a child and hook up with a girl that also has, please use birth control and get some therapy if you want things to be different.

It's MUCH harder to undo a marriage that shouldn't have happened than it is to get yourself in a healthy place where you can pick the right partner for you. (ask me how I know)

Good luck!

[scherp69]

I met my wife (not legally married, but live together. I know some US states don't accept common law, but in Canada we are considered to be married as we live together) about 12 years ago. She was a single mom. As said several times, a mom will never love anyone more than her child. Especially if she's a single mom. Don't ever put yourself above her child as he is blood and you are.....well replaceable. You will always come in second. One of the most important things that I learned very quick in the relationship is that if you want the relationship to work, you have to realize one thing....it's not you dating her, it's you dating her and her child. You can't go into the relationship expecting her to be able to go out whenever, stay up to all hours, etc. She's still a mom. Instead of making her get a babysitter, I tried to include her daughter as much as I could. We'd go to the drive in and take her daughter with us, etc. When I went over to visit, I'd bring her daughter candy or other little gifts. Well it's been 11 years and we're still together. From all that, ask yourself, if you're not willing to be second to her son (yes there will be times with just the two of you and you will feel like you're number one) and you're not willing to accept the fact that it's a 2 for 1 deal, my advise is to walk away before you get too attached. You're still young, lots of time to fall in love. If you choose to fight for her and you're willing to accept the above points, things will get easier from there.

[DarkoNova]

Hey Matt,

I have a radical idea. Why don't you be single for a while? I am being 100% serious.

When I was 22, I was living at home, going to college, etc...I met a girl, we started dating, things got serious, we got engaged, moved in together, got married, had kids, $**t happened, we got divorced. I lived alone for 4 months and started living with another woman. We lived together for 5 years. By this point I was 36 years old. Do you see my point? From birth to 36 years of age, I never lived alone. I never had a chance to figure out who I was, what I wanted, what I needed, etc...

From age 36 to about a year ago I was alone and it has been one of the most productive periods of my life. It's truly been an amazing ride.

Take all that for what it's worth....

Andrew

Well I haven't had a real "girlfriend" since high school. I do still live with my parents, though, because I have a dead end job and my only car (the Nova) isn't drivable right now. Applying to jobs all the time and every now and then I get interviews but that's it. I don't even know what I want to do for a living. I went to UTI and worked at Firestone for a while, but I'd work on cars all day and then when I get home and my car has problems, I didn't feel like doing anything because I'd just spent the whole day fixing cars. I don't want to turn something I love into just a job.

I do remember in high school I was all into weightlifting and I was way ahead of anyone else in my gym class and my teacher asked if I wanted to get into pro bodybuilding because he knew some sponsors and he could help me get a foot in the door...I dunno, maybe I should look into that..


Listen to him, for he speaks the truth. I found years ago that we must love and respect ourself before we stand any chance in a relationship. I have been single all my life, and know this that it is not the end of the world if you never marry or have children. I know of what i say, for I am my own child.

Yeah, up until a couple years ago when we started talking I really thought I'd just be alone for the rest of my life. Never planned on having kids or getting married. Maybe because my boss at my current job is going through a divorce after 10 or so years (with two kids) because his wife cheated on him, and he's losing half of his stuff, you know the whole nine yards. He even told me "don't get married". Or maybe it's because I've seen my parents fighting constantly and don't want to deal with that. Or maybe it's partly because of something my mentor in DUI class said. I forget the statistic, but something like if one of your parents is an alcoholic, you're twice as likely to be one, and if both of your parents are alcoholics, you're 4x as likely to be one. And one of my dad's brothers is an alcoholic, and one of my mom's sister's is an alcoholic. So I didn't want to have kids with the same traits as them/me.


People will tend to re-create in adulthood what they experienced as a child. They will do this, no matter how crazy those experiences are i.e. abuse, chaos, etc., until they have enough stuff happen to them that they get professional help. Do not think that if you provide a stable comfortable household that they will settle down and it will change them (ask me how I know). They will CREATE what is familiar to them if it's not already happening organically, sometimes by turning the most ordinary everyday occurrences into a dramatic mess. If you have had similarly crazy experiences as a child and hook up with a girl that also has, please use birth control and get some therapy if you want things to be different.

It's MUCH harder to undo a marriage that shouldn't have happened than it is to get yourself in a healthy place where you can pick the right partner for you. (ask me how I know)

Good luck!

Yeah, I can't remember when it was or exactly what she said, but she said something along the lines of "I like chaos"...but honestly, I fractured my skull around 10-ish years ago, and with 5-ish years of hard drinking, my memory has gotten pretty terrible. My friends joke about it all the time.


I met my wife (not legally married, but live together. I know some US states don't accept common law, but in Canada we are considered to be married as we live together) about 12 years ago. She was a single mom. As said several times, a mom will never love anyone more than her child. Especially if she's a single mom. Don't ever put yourself above her child as he is blood and you are.....well replaceable. You will always come in second. One of the most important things that I learned very quick in the relationship is that if you want the relationship to work, you have to realize one thing....it's not you dating her, it's you dating her and her child. You can't go into the relationship expecting her to be able to go out whenever, stay up to all hours, etc. She's still a mom. Instead of making her get a babysitter, I tried to include her daughter as much as I could. We'd go to the drive in and take her daughter with us, etc. When I went over to visit, I'd bring her daughter candy or other little gifts. Well it's been 11 years and we're still together. From all that, ask yourself, if you're not willing to be second to her son (yes there will be times with just the two of you and you will feel like you're number one) and you're not willing to accept the fact that it's a 2 for 1 deal, my advise is to walk away before you get too attached. You're still young, lots of time to fall in love. If you choose to fight for her and you're willing to accept the above points, things will get easier from there.

That's a good point, actually. Maybe I never realized that until you said it. I dunno, before I started staying at her place to watch Mason, we'd hang out on the weekends, and since they stayed at her sister's house, her sister was always there to watch him. So maybe I just figured we could still do stuff and he'd have someone to watch him. But I do the same thing as you, he LOVES The Land Before Time, and I did as a kid, too. I had hand puppet things (I think) from Pizza Hut, and a dump truck and a bunch of other stuff. I brought those over and he just lit up and was all excited. And I love pez and so does he, so I bring him pez every now and then. And I try to involve him in stuff. Since he's never really had a dad, when I'm fixing stuff at her house he always comes over and wants to help, so I let him. I even told her when I get the block and rotating assembly back from the shop, she's more than welcome to bring him down and have him help put everything together.

Also, I'm actually surprised at the feedback I'm getting. And the views this thread is getting. It's only a few days old and it has damn near 900 views! And the handful of friends I've talked to about this just said I was gay or a bitch or whatever, which is fine since we joke around and insult each other all the time, but I don't think they know how serious this whole situation is.

Just...thanks for being so mature about everything. :)

And Mike (sherp), I'm so freakin jealous of your Nova (this is America so I'm calling it a Nova LOL). I've been following your build over on SNS for a while and I wish I had your welding skills.

[Cruiser]

I said yeah, sometimes it feels like you love your son more than me. I mean yeah, she's a mom, and he's her flesh and blood, but she says she loves me but she does stuff sometimes that just seems like she ignores me and goes straight for him. A couple days later she said that really bothers her more than she thought it would.

Sounds like she has her panties on right and ran after you said that stupid immature crap......it's almost unbelievable anyone would admit saying something so stupid. If she hung around I would seriously think twice about how good of mother she actually is. She has kid and you knew it and then all of the sudden he is your competition for her time and affection that is just seriously f'ed up and tells me that your an emotional insecure boy...yes boy because a man would not but himself in front of kid asking for his mothers affection and attention first and expecting the mother to pick you over her son. You also pointed that in your post that you could really give a crap about the kid when you called him an "IT" as in "its" at her in laws house. You really need to step back and evaluate just how secure you are with yourself before getting involved with another person and god forbid they have a kid or kids.

As a father of 4 wonderful children and soon to be grandfather I am so glad I was the azzhole father that chased away boys that that acted like like you away from my daughters. They did not have kids but it was an easy tell that all they wanted was attention and sex and could give a crap about anything else...... Yea it hurt them but they have both said they are so thankful now!! You need to grow up....hopefully you can do that!!

When it comes to actual real world responsibility like being a father or a step father I really hope you can snap out of it and become a man....we all know there are enough pieces of crap out there raising kids.....please grow up and don't be one of turds!!!!! It ake so much more than just including a kid in fixing things and the occasional attention when your around....it takes love, heart, affection and you thinking he is number one also. One day you might get it....the boy deserves it!!

[dadto2jays]

Give her room and it will work out...as already mentioned dont be clingy...her kid will ALWAYS come before you!!!

[barraza]

Is this what passes for a "relationship" these days?

Stop the train wreck!!

Some others danced around the truth, but what the hell, you asked for it, I'll tell you.

You need to grow the hell up. You are twenty five, have no car, are an alcoholic, have a crappy job and you live with your parents. You are a mighty fine catch I'd say.

You have been dating a girl for a couple of months and expect her to say she loves you more than her son, you must be delusional.

Straighten your life out, go for an equally straightened out girl, and you will find happiness. I promise it.

[Cobra 498]

Is this what passes for a "relationship" these days?

Stop the train wreck!!

Some others danced around the truth, but what the hell, you asked for it, I'll tell you.

You need to grow the hell up. You are twenty five, have no car, are an alcoholic, have a crappy job and you live with your parents. You are a mighty fine catch I'd say.

You have been dating a girl for a couple of months and expect her to say she loves you more than her son, you must be delusional.

Straighten your life out, go for an equally straightened out girl, and you will find happiness. I promise it.

Well said!

[Scott Parkhurst]

You need to prove to yourself that you're capable of living independently before you take on dependents.

Focus on your career. Get your own place. Learn to be self sufficient.

Once you can take care of yourself, you can consider taking care of others.

It's not easy. It's hard. That's why so many guys suck at it.

[DarkoNova]

Sounds like she has her panties on right and ran after you said that stupid immature crap......it's almost unbelievable anyone would admit saying something so stupid. If she hung around I would seriously think twice about how good of mother she actually is. She has kid and you knew it and then all of the sudden he is your competition for her time and affection that is just seriously f'ed up and tells me that your an emotional insecure boy...yes boy because a man would not but himself in front of kid asking for his mothers affection and attention first and expecting the mother to pick you over her son. You also pointed that in your post that you could really give a crap about the kid when you called him an "IT" as in "its" at her in laws house. You really need to step back and evaluate just how secure you are with yourself before getting involved with another person and god forbid they have a kid or kids.

I'm sorry, I thought chicks like the whole honesty thing. She asked me a question, and I gave her an honest answer. And once again, I don't want her to love me more than him, it's just the little things. Like when she comes home I'll just get a "hi" or a nod and then she basically showers him with presents and hugs and stuff. I get that kids need that attention, but hell, it'd be nice to just get a hug or something. I mean I can understand if we'd been married for a few years and had another kid or something, but we'd only been going out for a couple months and it's like she already stopped caring. If that makes me emotionally insecure, then fine, I guess I am. And not once did I refer to him as "it". I went back and read the post you quoted, and you're misunderstanding what I was referring to. When I said this:


Probably sounds bad since she has a 3 year old, but it's at her sister's house, so her sister, her sister's husband, and her nephew are there to keep us under control (not that we ever get rowdy drunk or anything) and to entertain her son while we're outside smoking cigarettes or whatever.

I wasn't referring to him when I said "it's at her sister's house". I was referring to the situation. When we drink, we drink at her sister's house, so we don't drink in front of him, and he's never alone because her sister, her sister's husband and her nephew are all there to watch him during the 5 minutes that we're outside smoking.


As a father of 4 wonderful children and soon to be grandfather I am so glad I was the azzhole father that chased away boys that that acted like like you away from my daughters. They did not have kids but it was an easy tell that all they wanted was attention and sex and could give a crap about anything else...... Yea it hurt them but they have both said they are so thankful now!! You need to grow up....hopefully you can do that!!

When it comes to actual real world responsibility like being a father or a step father I really hope you can snap out of it and become a man....we all know there are enough pieces of crap out there raising kids.....please grow up and don't be one of turds!!!!! It ake so much more than just including a kid in fixing things and the occasional attention when your around....it takes love, heart, affection and you thinking he is number one also. One day you might get it....the boy deserves it!!

K, ask any of my friends and they'll tell you I'm a moral, loyal good guy. Even the friends that Sara introduced me to before we started dating have said I'm the best guy she's ever gone out with and it's clear that I love her and her son a lot. That's why I'm trying to make it work, because clearly he likes me and I don't want to be another ******* that was with her and formed a relationship with her son and then leaves. I also don't want to be one of those couples that only stays together for the kids, but I'm still trying.


Is this what passes for a "relationship" these days?

Stop the train wreck!!

Some others danced around the truth, but what the hell, you asked for it, I'll tell you.

You need to grow the hell up. You are twenty five, have no car, are an alcoholic, have a crappy job and you live with your parents. You are a mighty fine catch I'd say.

You have been dating a girl for a couple of months and expect her to say she loves you more than her son, you must be delusional.

Straighten your life out, go for an equally straightened out girl, and you will find happiness. I promise it.

Sorry if it's not a picture perfect "relationship" like I Love Lucy or Happy Days.

I know I need to grow up. I know I use being in SoCal as an excuse for why I don't have a good job, and I know I need my own place. Like I told Cruiser, though, ask anyone that's met me and they'll tell you I'm a standup guy and I DO care for her and her kid. And again, like I told Cruiser, I don't want her to say she loves me more than her son, I'd just like a little more...appreciation I guess?

[baktrak09]

Dude, if its meant to be it will be, if not then you wont be happy even if you stay with her.

I met my wife when I was 17, she got pregnant, and I was immature so she left me. I moved to my dads in Texas a few months before my daughter was born and continued to be a bum for 2 years, I moved back home to my moms when i was 20. I lived there for a few months and wouldn't get a job. My step dad got tired of it and kicked me out. With nowhere to live and no money I finally got a job and started growing up. I have been at that job for 7 years.

About a year after I moved home my sister helped me to be able to see my daughter. After some time my now wife and I started talking more and more and got back together. She is the greatest women I have ever been with and am happier than I ever thought I would be. But she had to let me go so that she could do what was best for her and my daughter at the time.

She had a son while we were apart and though he isn't technically mine, he is mine, as his real father isn't around.
This is just my opinion, I don't know, nor wanna know how her mind works, but, as far as you wanting more appreciation, maybe she has given as much as she can, you watching her kid while she is working and going to school is only going to get you so far.
My wife goes to school, but I wont let her work until the youngest starts 1st grade, and she can be gone during the day, until then she is needed at home with the kids, if we need money I pick up extra work. I do watch the kids while she is in class, and let me tell you, I don't know how she does it, they can drive me crazy. Maybe if you were to step up and be a man, she might take you more seriously and give you more appreciation.

I hope it works out for you and you can find your own happiness, but only you can decide if your happy or not. and if shes not happy, its just going to bring you down.

[Ash]

Wow, a lot going on here. Extremely good posts by this community. This is long winded,but I'm 28 and know how your feeling and where your at in life. My comments/advice is based of the totality if the info you've volunteered, which I've followed myself, and will definitely mirror what has already been said. If I could have told myself these points when I was 24, when I was in a similar emotional and behavioral boat as you, I could have gotten a several year head-start on the path I'm on now. Don't mistake this for preaching or telling "you" what you should do from a ivory tower...just sharing what I learned myself. If you feel it's too personal and I'm out of bounds, sorry...that's the internet for you.


1. she has DEEP seeded issues from not one, but three fronts. Counseling/therapy type issues. Couple that with being a single mother, in school, and working, and she will be hard pressed for the time to sort those out on her own time...let alone while she's in a relationship. The going through the phone and insecurity driven questions would have gotten progressively worse. She's not right for ANYONE right now. She might get in relationships, but they will assuredly not be healthy ones.

2. With females in general, don't go begging. The fellas had that dead on. There are so many other women out there it's mind boggling. And if your feelings are that strong for her, cut all contact. Since my high-school sweetheart and I ended a 5 year relationship in 2006 (we lived together for two years, I stayed after finding multiple instances of infidelity), I decided to hence forth drop the hammer within hours of every conclusionary argument/break-up/talk. Delete the number, remove them from Facebook, remove the pics from the social media (and stow away in a folder), don't call or text, and wipe the state clean. On again Off again might make for good sex, but it will be an endless cycle of chaos and stress. Trust your intuition completely, you don't need proof or owe anyone an explanation if you have bona-fied suspicions. To do otherwise, even if you ended up getting back together, would cause you some self-anger/hate down the road for cutting off your own balls...especially if she was at fault for the break-up. Self Respect has lost it's meaning from getting thrown around so much, but it is paramount to fully loving oneself, being confident, and an all around well adjusted human being.

3. Seems like you have some things to work out on your own, and believe me when I say, I completely understand how hard it is to break certain cycles when your heart is mourning and hopelessness sets in, not to mention, how it's almost guaranteed you'll fall back in to recently curbed behaviors that were only curbed for the significant other in the first place. That's why it's so important to be single when you're truly trying to self improve...why you have to do it for yourself and yourself alone. whether eating healthy, working out, stopping the Camels, or cutting back on the booze a bit. It rarely sticks if someone else is the motivating factor.

4. You should be single my friend, and you have to break your own cycle. You're also not right for anyone right now, especially one with the added complication of a child..they'd just be there to distract you from your personal unhappiness...someone to latch on to (went through this too). You have got to get your own life rolling. You will be in the same spot 5 years from now if you keep waiting for a career epiphany to strike. Pick something that requires a two year A.S., certification, or pretty much anything that is a growing field in your region (or the region you want to relocate to), that you won't completely loathe, and GO GET IT. You'll be making a self sustaining wage, that will allow you complete independence, while you further explore what you want to do with the REST of your life. If your not gonna be working your dream job anyway (whether at Taco bell or as a sonographer), isn't it better to be not working it while making $16.00+ an hour Vs. $8.00....you still won't be completely fulfilled five years down the road, but you'll sure as hell be in a more flexible spot to change directions. Your criminal record is an anchor, not a death sentence. You said you live in California, I presume the DUI's were there too. If the legally sufficient time has passed for expungement (http://www.recordgone.com/expunge_california_dui.htm)...do it NOW man! You are lucky enough to live in a state where that is an option. No judgment here boss, I was fortunate enough to escape a rather self destructive point in my life without a record. Same behavior, only difference you got pinched before you could snap out of it, and I didn't.

This next part is incredibly important, and I fully credit it with helping me keep my emotions and thoughts on the right track. You have to self motivate. When you start thinking about your life and how "You're not where you should be", and all the depressing realizations starting flooding in at once and self-amplifying up to 11. You have to stop yourself, state the positives, and do it till the negativity shakes: You have an incredible opportunity to attend/focus on school by living with your parents, You aren't bankrupt, You aren't in a loveless marriage, You aren't upside down in a house, You aren't divorced (alimony, child support, kids), you don't have a debilitating handicap or illness, you aren't homeless, you aren't hungry, you have people in your life that care about you, and you live in one of the most amazing, safe, and opportunity filled countries on earth. Stay at home and go to school....there is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with living at home while attending school, Living at home + school = non issue with the ladies and society as a whole.

At this very second....your life (and everyone else's) has an infinite number of paths and ultimate conclusions. Good and bad. Half of which will be attained by simple cause and effect reactive choices while drifting through life, and half are from proactive, guided, & tenacious actions you make. In the end, if you make it into those final decades we all picture ourselves getting to, you're only left with the reflection of your life. Either a sense of regret or a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment. You're at the beginning of that spectrum, but it, like the middle & end will morph into one another so gradually it's almost diabolical. Like I said, not preaching, just wanted to share my take on the situation as a whole.

[go-fish]

..... and self-amplifying up to 11.


https://static1.pt-content.com/images/pt/2012/02/11-2.jpg

Why not just make 10 louder?

[SRD art]

Not sure anything I say will have any sort of bearing but here it is. A lot of what has been said I agree with. My focus here is on the both of your issues. Before you mentioned what your childhood was like your words showed it. The way you live says I've got baggage, same with her. My wife of 16 years grew up with an abusive dad in every way imaginable. Her dad was also the perfectionist and her mom was a rescuer. eventually they got divorced after 3 times being separated. Lots of counseling, studying, and prayer helped my wife "get over it" by her early 20's. I on the other hand grew up in a home with a passive dad and an overly critical mom. Both of them were rescuers to a degree, my mom the worst, and she is also codependent. They divorced when I was 17. I have character traits of both my parents, and most are goofy. I have one older sister. Basically we both have great lives, but I can see where she's a bit tweaked too. My wife has 4 brothers and 4 sisters. All of the boys got into drugs and alcohol. 3 of them got girls pregnant out of wedlock. One of the 3 has out of wedlock kids from 3 different girls he had dated and has turned out to be a walking example of white trash. We love him a lot but he's a mess. 3 of her sisters are married and see that things aren't right and are trying to fix it. Her youngest sister got pregnant at 17, and now her 3 year old is a burden to her lifestyle and she's talked about dumping her daughter on my dysfunctional mother in law. Yeah, there's another generation train wreck in the making too.

All 4 of our parents grew up in homes that were even more dysfunctional than ours. There's no generic guide book to adulthood or parenting, so it's no wonder many folks think their parents were messed up. Chances are their parents think their parents were messed up too, and so on and so on. The good thing is that many of us grew up with dysfunction, so we don't have to feel like we're the only ones that have been or are screwed up. My point here is dysfunction has a tendency to get passed on generation after generation until someone is strong enough and smart enough to break the cycle. Really it's a matter of realizing that some things aren't right, being humble enough to admit it and trying to find out how to fix it.

You've both got issues, again many of us do. If you don't face them and get over it they'll always be the little devil on your shoulder. There's no shame in trying to better yourselves, so doing research, finding a professional to help work things out first for yourself and then as a couple if you stay together, finding "normal" married friends and ask them about their relationships, etc. will only make life better for you. BTW, getting drunk over, yelling and fighting with, and complaining about their spouses all the time doesn't count as "normal" married friends, stay away from those folks when looking for advice.

A couple years ago an older woman friend of my wife's gave us a book about parenting. It pretty much said you can't "fix" your kids until you fix yourselves. That book has been a huge blessing to our lives and our family. I thought I had my stuff pretty well together, but the guy that wrote the book nailed me flat on the issues I still harbor from my childhood. He nailed my parents too. At first it was a little hard to swallow, hearing someone else describe who I really am but you can't run from the truth forever. Once I could see what was goofy, it was that much easier to understand what I've been through and what I need to do to make life better, to break the chains so to speak. It has worked as I've made some course corrections and things get better all the time. At 42 I finally feel like I'm starting to grow up into an adult in my relationship with my family and in my responsibilities. I claim the right to still act like a teenager when I play though. ;)

I'm not pointing fingers and I don't really know you at all except for a few sentences I've read here. I admit I could be totally wrong about both of you. So, now it's up to you. Go find a quiet place and do some serious thinking and self evaluation. Either things are great and you continue as things are now, or life has just opened a door for you to go to the next level in your own personal life progression. Only you can know what the next step is, good luck.

[Ash]

"... ... ...These go to 11" (Good catch sir :)

[TT302Z28]

Dude...if you think you know what drama is, marry her. Then and only then can you ask how married people do it! It is work, I know because i have been married 16 years and only once.

Ever notice the things in life everyone jokes about are because they are true but nobody has the balls to say them, unless they are kidding? If you want to spent the rest of your life dealing with 10x this marry her.

The 3 rings of marriage...the engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering!

The 3 stages of sex during marriage...

1. You do it all the time and everywhere.

2. You do it only on special occasions.

3. You give each other the finger as you pass in the hallway.

Now, add in some baggage and prior abuse and you have yourself some drama!

[DoABarrelRoll]

You can skip all the sage advice from the salty dogs here. You can ignore the guy that married his high-school sweetheart 40 years ago and are about to celebrate their 41st anniversary. You can ignore the guy on his 4th marriage. You can ignore the eternal bachelor, and Mr Forever-alone. God knows there is at least one of each of these archetypes here.

You made a GIANT mistake when you thought you were on equal footing with her child. You made an EVEN BIGGER mistake when you told her you thought she loved her son more than you. She severed the relationship, and rightly so. You will forever be competing with her son for the "love". Stay friendly, get a new girl. I hear cougar life dot com is great, from all my friends still in the military.

[barraza]

Sorry if it's not a picture perfect "relationship" like I Love Lucy or Happy Days.



The thing you need to remember is that you CAN have a picture perfect relationship. But to do so, you have to leave behind your childish ways. Fix your life, and good things will follow.

No one has mentioned faith, and I don't want to push it, but the example of a faith based life can be a good one to follow even if you don't believe in a particular religion. If that isn't appealing, even in ancient times, philosophers understood that having a good life doesn't just "happen"

" We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit" - Aristotle

or "He that lays down with dogs shall rise up with fleas"

Step back a moment, and you may see that she is the one trying to better herself, and she may be thinking that shedding you is the proper way forward.
Step up your game and she might see how good you can be, and come back. If she doesn't, she wasn't worth the effort, but you will be better off moving ahead.

[Cruiser]

I'm sorry, I thought chicks like the whole honesty thing. She asked me a question, and I gave her an honest answer. And once again, I don't want her to love me more than him, it's just the little things. Like when she comes home I'll just get a "hi" or a nod and then she basically showers him with presents and hugs and stuff. I get that kids need that attention, but hell, it'd be nice to just get a hug or something.

Sorry if it's not a picture perfect "relationship" like I Love Lucy or Happy Days.

I know I need to grow up. And again, like I told Cruiser, I don't want her to say she loves me more than her son, I'd just like a little more...appreciation I guess?

Appreciation for what? Coming over to babysit now an then? Enjoying a bottle and some smokes with her? The sex? Screwing a light bulb and letting the boy help?

Step away from the self medicating kool-Aid your drinking. So if all your buddies think your stand up guy and the best catch then you might need to consider dating one of them. It's been said here multiple times already and that is you need to get your life in order first and then find someone to share your success with. When your educated, working, able to support your self and doing right by you and only you then reach out for companionship and your life mate. You may not choose a formal education and that's fine. Me....I served my country in the USMC and it brought self respect, discipline, integrity and tenacity (never give up) to everything I do. It also showed me to be humble accept my mistakes learn from them and do better next time and to always ask for help if I am failing. I am not just one person and others will help you if reach out to them respectfully.

You my friend need to find your direction, make that your first goal...to figure out where your going to go in life and then set that direction in motion. Reward your self along the way. As for girl friends just be on the watchful side of where they are headed in life. And for your own sake, the girls and possibility of having an unexpected kid remember this little tid bit...."Wrap it or slap it".....in other words while getting your life together don't derail it and someone elses by having careless unprotected sex. We live in world were that should be common knowledge but just look around obviously it is not IE girl your currently having issues with.

You are young, you can change things, that has already been talked about. You really need to move on and use this experience as the cataylist you used to change your life. Your not going to change things in few months, it's going to take a year or two at least and then you have to be living your chosen path so it's part of you.

An yes your correct the chicks do like the honesty thing....but come on you and I both know the honesty thing is about honestly, being truthful and accepting of things maybe not so perfect. It's not a plea for appreciation and acceptance.

You should take away from all that have posted here one thing.....Go get yourself in order first. honestly your young and it's not going to be as hard now as it will be in later years or if you have a wife/girlfriend and kid/kids.

Good luck....I hope you roll with it!!

[dontlifttoshift]

Dude, you gotta stop

[Ishmael]

I can't read all the advice to find out if anyone said 1. throw your friggin phone away, 2. don't be out drinking and smoking while somebody else is taking care of her kid. If you love you don't have to do either. Family is more important than you or her. Both of you need to do some growing up before you either one of you is in a permanent relationship (see number 1). And 3. broads don't like to be called "chicks."
Good luck.

[Mr. Anderson]

wow. stop asking internet forums for relationship advice.

[TnBlkC230WZ]

Wow, this is really good.


It always seems worse in the moment than it really is. Here is a bit of advice to live by... If a relationship has to be Made, it isnt a real relationship. There is always comprimise, but comprimise shouldnt be an issue.. If comprimise is ever an issue that festers, there is a good chance resentment will kick in later, and destroy everything you thought you had. We lie to ourselves, and say that we can get over something that we really dont want to, and it always comes back later.. If we were a bit more honest with ourselves, and understood what we really wanted, we would probably not waste as much time with the wrong person.. I dont think there is a person in here that can honestly say, they made the right decision the first time. ha ha

As far as her loving her child more, you will Never win that battle, and you Shouldnt win that battle. Once the child is born, the child should always be the first concern. I would agree that the child should not be spoiled, and that there should be times that the child is not the focus, but that is generally after a set bed time.

Here is one of the key things that I have learned over the years.. Do not be the Wimp. Do not cry, or get too distressed over the potential loss of a woman.. There is nothing that will change a womans view of the Man she had, when he begging for her to come back. It is very demasculating, and it is something that you could never rebound from in her eyes.

We have all had relationships that we didnt want to fail, but it is beyond our control. A true relationship is based off of Pure Respesct and Honesty, and if you dont have that foundation, you have nothing to start with.. Too many people try to make things work, because they are afraid to move on and start over, but you are just prolonging the inevitible.. We have all had the times when we thought we wouldnt find anyone else or any better relationship, but we do, and often wonder what we were thinking before.. LOL

Here is another thing to think about.. There is someone for everyone, and you will know them when you meet them. But lifes decisions, whether it be marriage to someone else or a totally different life direction, will dictate whether or not anything could ever come of it. Just because they were right for you in the past, doesnt mean the person they have become, will be right for you. People change through their life experiences and choices, and the affects of these choices and experiences affect how they deal with the people they are in a relationship with. Unless you meet someone that has the exact same direction and goals as you, you need to find someone who hasnt already made their Life Path, because you will never fit into a predetermined path. People need to grow together, because if they are not growing together, it only turns into upcoming resentment and disgust.. In order to love someone, you must love and respect the Absolute Worst of them. You may not understand why they do what they do, but you must respect them enough to embrace the deficiencies.

[406 Q-ship]

Wow, a lot going on here. Extremely good posts by this community. This is long winded,but I'm 28 and know how your feeling and where your at in life. My comments/advice is based of the totality if the info you've volunteered, which I've followed myself, and will definitely mirror what has already been said. If I could have told myself these points when I was 24, when I was in a similar emotional and behavioral boat as you, I could have gotten a several year head-start on the path I'm on now. Don't mistake this for preaching or telling "you" what you should do from a ivory tower...just sharing what I learned myself. If you feel it's too personal and I'm out of bounds, sorry...that's the internet for you.


1. she has DEEP seeded issues from not one, but three fronts. Counseling/therapy type issues. Couple that with being a single mother, in school, and working, and she will be hard pressed for the time to sort those out on her own time...let alone while she's in a relationship. The going through the phone and insecurity driven questions would have gotten progressively worse. She's not right for ANYONE right now. She might get in relationships, but they will assuredly not be healthy ones.

2. With females in general, don't go begging. The fellas had that dead on. There are so many other women out there it's mind boggling. And if your feelings are that strong for her, cut all contact. Since my high-school sweetheart and I ended a 5 year relationship in 2006 (we lived together for two years, I stayed after finding multiple instances of infidelity), I decided to hence forth drop the hammer within hours of every conclusionary argument/break-up/talk. Delete the number, remove them from Facebook, remove the pics from the social media (and stow away in a folder), don't call or text, and wipe the state clean. On again Off again might make for good sex, but it will be an endless cycle of chaos and stress. Trust your intuition completely, you don't need proof or owe anyone an explanation if you have bona-fied suspicions. To do otherwise, even if you ended up getting back together, would cause you some self-anger/hate down the road for cutting off your own balls...especially if she was at fault for the break-up. Self Respect has lost it's meaning from getting thrown around so much, but it is paramount to fully loving oneself, being confident, and an all around well adjusted human being.

3. Seems like you have some things to work out on your own, and believe me when I say, I completely understand how hard it is to break certain cycles when your heart is mourning and hopelessness sets in, not to mention, how it's almost guaranteed you'll fall back in to recently curbed behaviors that were only curbed for the significant other in the first place. That's why it's so important to be single when you're truly trying to self improve...why you have to do it for yourself and yourself alone. whether eating healthy, working out, stopping the Camels, or cutting back on the booze a bit. It rarely sticks if someone else is the motivating factor.

4. You should be single my friend, and you have to break your own cycle. You're also not right for anyone right now, especially one with the added complication of a child..they'd just be there to distract you from your personal unhappiness...someone to latch on to (went through this too). You have got to get your own life rolling. You will be in the same spot 5 years from now if you keep waiting for a career epiphany to strike. Pick something that requires a two year A.S., certification, or pretty much anything that is a growing field in your region (or the region you want to relocate to), that you won't completely loathe, and GO GET IT. You'll be making a self sustaining wage, that will allow you complete independence, while you further explore what you want to do with the REST of your life. If your not gonna be working your dream job anyway (whether at Taco bell or as a sonographer), isn't it better to be not working it while making $16.00+ an hour Vs. $8.00....you still won't be completely fulfilled five years down the road, but you'll sure as hell be in a more flexible spot to change directions. Your criminal record is an anchor, not a death sentence. You said you live in California, I presume the DUI's were there too. If the legally sufficient time has passed for expungement (http://www.recordgone.com/expunge_california_dui.htm)...do it NOW man! You are lucky enough to live in a state where that is an option. No judgment here boss, I was fortunate enough to escape a rather self destructive point in my life without a record. Same behavior, only difference you got pinched before you could snap out of it, and I didn't.

This next part is incredibly important, and I fully credit it with helping me keep my emotions and thoughts on the right track. You have to self motivate. When you start thinking about your life and how "You're not where you should be", and all the depressing realizations starting flooding in at once and self-amplifying up to 11. You have to stop yourself, state the positives, and do it till the negativity shakes: You have an incredible opportunity to attend/focus on school by living with your parents, You aren't bankrupt, You aren't in a loveless marriage, You aren't upside down in a house, You aren't divorced (alimony, child support, kids), you don't have a debilitating handicap or illness, you aren't homeless, you aren't hungry, you have people in your life that care about you, and you live in one of the most amazing, safe, and opportunity filled countries on earth. Stay at home and go to school....there is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with living at home while attending school, Living at home + school = non issue with the ladies and society as a whole.

At this very second....your life (and everyone else's) has an infinite number of paths and ultimate conclusions. Good and bad. Half of which will be attained by simple cause and effect reactive choices while drifting through life, and half are from proactive, guided, & tenacious actions you make. In the end, if you make it into those final decades we all picture ourselves getting to, you're only left with the reflection of your life. Either a sense of regret or a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment. You're at the beginning of that spectrum, but it, like the middle & end will morph into one another so gradually it's almost diabolical. Like I said, not preaching, just wanted to share my take on the situation as a whole.

Very well said.

[claytonisbob]

Hey Matt,

I have a radical idea. Why don't you be single for a while? I am being 100% serious....

Andrew

There could be nothing truer. Being single forever sucks, but if a someone doesn't have a couple happy years of being single under their belt, they will always have an itch to bail on good relationships. I steer clear of women that have never been single for more than a couple months... Being single and not chasing tail every weekend leads to finished cars :)

[68fusion]

Two train wrecks on a collision course... Baggage is to be expected, but keep it to carry on size.... Not the kind you pay a fee for
Now that I've been married for 10 years , you can see when two people will in most likelihood have a successful go of it . I'll save you the attorney fees or her getting the protection order... It will end badly... Too many red flags for both of you for anything good to come from it.

[Jim Nilsen]

The only way you will ever make it thru life with the woman you are with is to realize that you will probably never really be allowed to be the childs father the way that having your own child could be with this woman. So there are plenty of women who don't have children and you can eliminate one problem you have in relationships just by not ever going there. Search for what you really want out of life for awhile on your own and then stick to the path of creating your own happiness, not trying to find it through others.

Goodluck

[MMick]

Two train wrecks on a collision course... Baggage is to be expected, but keep it to carry on size.... Not the kind you pay a fee for
Now that I've been married for 10 years , you can see when two people will in most likelihood have a successful go of it . I'll save you the attorney fees or her getting the protection order... It will end badly... Too many red flags for both of you for anything good to come from it.

I couldn't say it better. I hope you're fine now.

[chiva]

Speaking from painful, past experience, find someone else. Too many issues too early does not equal lifelong happiness. Run away now while you still can.

[77thor]

Wow....

All I can say is ..... "train wreck"

Run.... be single. You need some time, you have too many issues of your own to be attached to someone that also has issues....

^^^ This.

[BMR Sales]

I couldn't say it better. I hope you're fine now.

I gotta ask, what were you searching for that led you to this SEVEN year old Thread?

[Zachalanche]

7 years later, dude's 32 now, probably a few more kids, and possibly some more high school sweethearts in the mix. Wonder how that engine turned out.

[Dimes]

One day at a time. *Yes, dear*

[Shawn0331]

lol so back in 2012 is when the Forums were really active? Guys had your own drama special. Also bet Sara's been playing with Matts heart for the last 8 years with the same drama BS over and over again. Hope Matt made it out alive with his Nova and Duster! C'mon Matt we want to know the truth!! Cant leave us all hanging, give us an update!

[1972Mach1]

lol so back in 2012 is when the Forums were really active? Guys had your own drama special. Also bet Sara's been playing with Matts heart for the last 8 years with the same drama BS over and over again. Hope Matt made it out alive with his Nova and Duster! C'mon Matt we want to know the truth!! Cant leave us all hanging, give us an update!

Hahahaha.....I was thinking the same thing when I saw this thread a few months ago when I joined up.

[sofialucas728]

great question dude!

[Giolem]

lol so back in 2012 is when the Forums were really active? Guys had your own drama special. Also bet Sara's been playing with Matts heart for the last 8 years with the same drama BS over and over again. Hope Matt made it out alive with his Nova and Duster! C'mon Matt we want to know the truth!! Cant leave us all hanging, give us an update!

If you can, of course :)

[DarkoNova]

Lol, I don't know why this got resurrected or how.

I don't even want to read the original post because I'm sure I was a lovestruck idiot.

Fast forward to today, yes I'm still with Sara.

We got married in 2017.

Two years or so after I originally made this thread, I got the best job of my life. I'm a locomotive mechanic. I didn't stop drinking but I slowed way down.

I just got hired by a national company to be a railroad conductor and I start in about 6 weeks.

I still have the Duster, though I rarely have time to work on it.

The engine in the Nova is "complete", but it's running super rich. Even with a tko-600 I get 6 mpg.

I was going to try to tune the carb but I always planned on going LS and I found a deal on an L92, so I'm probably gonna get that and just ditch the SBC since that was the plan all along.

I'm currently watching our 11 month old since he just woke up.

Life's pretty good. :)

[Revvv]

Lol, I don't know why this got resurrected or how.

I don't even want to read the original post because I'm sure I was a lovestruck idiot.

Fast forward to today, yes I'm still with Sara.

We got married in 2017.

Two years or so after I originally made this thread, I got the best job of my life. I'm a locomotive mechanic. I didn't stop drinking but I slowed way down.

I just got hired by a national company to be a railroad conductor and I start in about 6 weeks.

I still have the Duster, though I rarely have time to work on it.

The engine in the Nova is "complete", but it's running super rich. Even with a tko-600 I get 6 mpg.

I was going to try to tune the carb but I always planned on going LS and I found a deal on an L92, so I'm probably gonna get that and just ditch the SBC since that was the plan all along.

I'm currently watching our 11 month old since he just woke up.

Life's pretty good. :)23 years of marriage for men this past January. Keep going. I can promise it is worth the struggles, headaches, etc. Looking back, most of my problems were MY problems. I am lucky to have a wife willing to stand by me and not kick me to the curb.

I'm willing to bet most here have the same story.

[pro67coupe]

is this a joke? this seems like a joke thread since yellowbullet is not around anymore lol

[Tsaints1115]

https://youtu.be/GSO_pFCFR8w