Funny craigslist post

[1969CamaroRS]

Henchmen for Hire - For all your nefarious needs!
http://losangeles.craigslist.org/lac/lbs/2680975651.html

[andrewb70]

Very funny. I had to copy and paste it before it gets flagged...

"Times are tough, but even us unskilled, unwashed, unwanted scum need to make a living!

I'm offering myself for odd jobs you need done, I'm up for almost anything, but nothing that will make me rack up a hospital bill please! I am discrete and mostly dependable (I'll probably run away if you want me to feed your pet lion in the basement, but won't tell anyone about it). I have another lackey I can bring along, he'll want to get paid something too though.

Need your mail picked-up? Want to knock down a wall? Need someone to taste your latest recipe? Can't kill those pesky black widows on your own? Maybe you need a nice big hole dug in your backyard, who doesn't love a good hole! Henchmen love digging them!

New Lower Standards!
I have hit rock bottom and have now broadened the range of ridiculous things I will do for you. Need to take your new Kung-Fu moves for a test drive? Need someone to periodically rub lotion on your head so you won't get sunburn? Need help fighting a ghost? I'm your guy! Please, I'm desperate!

My limited skill set includes:
-Amateur photographer and sculptor (busts and small scale fantasy weapons)
-Hitting stuff with a hammer (mostly accurately but can swing as wildly as required)
-Knowing when milk is bad without having to taste it first
-Fearless of bugs and your weird looking relatives
-Don't like spiders, DO NOT LIKE! WILL SMASH ON SIGHT!
-Complete disregard for fellow man, healthy pessimistic outlook on life
-Can hide stuff
-Very discrete
-Good at writing stuff, math sucks (I write reviews mostly, can pretend to know more about things than I actually do)
-C-class driving license (can't parallel park, what do you expect from a craigslist lackey?)
-I drive recklessly (awesome, right!?)
-I don't own a car but have a bus pass (I drive recklessly, remember?)
-I'm over 21 (can buy beer and cigs!)
-Can distract your enemies while you make a getaway
-Can do your English homework for you (but you'll have to explain to your teacher why you keep bringing up Red Sonja)
-Zoning out (continuous labor!)
-Plays well with other henchmen (I have super bouncy balls)
-Not talking much (no time wasted on a cellphone, less backtalk, no confessions to the police!)
-I'm not bad-looking, but I can wear a mask if you insist
-Please don't play obnoxious music, I will totally flip out and eat your cat
-Se habla Espanol!
-Always willing to learn new skills no matter how useless or illegal in over 90 countries, you can contact me for apprenticeships, internships, and to learn how to build ships
-Many more!

Drop me an email with what you need done and what you want to pay/trade for the service.

Some things I forgot to cover from last time:
*Henchmen like to be fed, neglect to offer us nourishment or hydration at your own risk.
*No requests for nude posing or homoerotic tasks please (though I'm flattered/slightly creeped out that you'd ask), this henchman is bashful (and straight). However, I will gladly take nude photos of pretty female clients with my totally 'leet community college photography skills.
*If you want to meet up, don't ask to meet at 2AM in the middle of Shank Alley you freak, meet up at a Denny's or something to hammer out the details. You don't have to be super secretive like a Ghetto James Bond just to plan how we're gonna blow-up your neighbor's mailbox.

I am raising money for a backpack, a Nikon D7000 (neither of which are for school because henchmen don't need no stinkin' school!), a fancy stylish henchman hat/glove combo, and a shotgun and/or rifle to fight rabid zombie-bears to pay for guns, aikido classes, and a sweet-ass car from the '70s so please help an unlucky lackey out. :(

Now with testimonials!

So glad I called you guys to remove the nest, those hornet stings look painful!
-Bill

So... are you good at plowing anything else?
-Tyrone
(At which point I promptly ran away)

You look like you're about to pass out, maybe we should call it a day...
-Dave

OMG why are you wearing a gas mask!?
-Teresa

Oh, pfft, it's just a flesh wound.
-Kimberly

Gross! How did you bend your leg so far back?
-Danielle

I know it's tricky, but if you jump off this wall I think you can reach that window.
-"Jonathan"
"

[JEFFTATE]

That is funny as heck .

[moreHP]

Makes me think of the AC/DC song "Dirty Deeds"

[rfalker1]

loooooool... that was great

[newmexicosaint]

LOL, That was GREAT...I am glad you copy/pasted it cuz it is gone now!

[BuzzKillian]

That's hilarious!!
x2 n the pasting

[shortrack]

Lmao.......!!!!!