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View Full Version : One of the funniest things I have ever read



shmoov69
08-30-2004, 07:15 PM
I got this last night and it was way too good not to share
Jimmy

> Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my
fancy.
> (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled. I had gone into the
Star
> Market to pick up some milk yesterday and I bought a superball in the
checkout
> line -- 50 cents.
>
> What a bargain! It tickled my fancy--still does.
>
> That thing bounces soooooo high, and it has provided me with hours of
> entertainment. It just doesn't get any better than that, now does it?)
>
> I'm so easily distracted.
>
> That dang superball is so much fun.
>
> So what were we talking about? Oh yeah, I bought
> something really cool at Larry's Pistol and Pawn last Saturday.
>
> The occasion was my 50th birthday and I was looking for a little something
extra
> cool. What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun
with a
> clip.
>
> For those of you who are not familiar with this
> product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed
to
> incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage
electricity
> while you flee to safety.
>
> The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
affect on
> your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety.
>
> You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the
button,
> and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching,
whimpering,
> pencil-neck geek.
>
> If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly
missing
> out--way too cool!
>
> Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
> home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn
> thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
>
> I was so disappointed.
>
> Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I
found much
> to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between
the
> prongs. How disappointing! I do love
> fire for effect.
>
> I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a
metal
> surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth
between
> the prongs that I was so looking forward to.
>
> I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!!
> Yipeeeeee . . . I'm easily amused.
>
> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't
> be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.
>
> There I sat in my recliner, my dog Molly looking on intently (trusting
little
> soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Molly), and thinking
that I
> really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target.
>
> I must admit I thought about zapping Molly for a fraction of a second and
> thought better of it. She is such a sweet doggy, after all.
>
> But, if I was going to use this thing to protect myself against a mugger,
I did
> want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
>
> Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed
> reasonable to me at the time . So, there I sat in a
> pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately
on the
> bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another.
>
> The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
> assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
loss of
> bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant
flop
> on the ground like a fish out of water.
>
> All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long,
less
> than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two
itsy,
> bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no bloody way!"
>
>
> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
Those of
> you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed.
>
> I'm sitting there alone, Molly looking on with her head ****ed to one side
as to
> say, "don't do it daddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a
tiny
> lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under
the
> circumstances, wouldn't you agree?).
>
> I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it.
(Note: You
> know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so
obvious
> that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right
at the
> time. Don't ya hate that?)
>
> I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and Holy
> F**king Chit! ****!!!
>
> I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked
me up
> out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over
again.
>
> I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
> position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
> found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
> position.
>
> Molly was standing over me making whimpering sounds I had never heard
before,
> licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again daddy, do
it
> again!"
>
> (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note
of
> caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself.
>
> You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
hand by
> a violent thrashing
> about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the
prongs
> 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)
>
> SON-OF-A-B $% *H that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as
time
> was a relative thing at this
> point), I collected my wits (what little I had left),
> sat up and surveyed the landscape.
>
> My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get
> there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My
face
> felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88
lbs.
> +/- an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.
>
> By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm
offering a
> reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must
say so
> myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.
>
> Yours Truly.
>
> The Ciscokid

David Sloan
08-31-2004, 01:54 AM
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Your Killing Me LOL LOL LOL LOL !!!!!!!

dennis68
08-31-2004, 05:43 AM
klink--and only a week agosame thread (http://66.70.234.198/forum/showthread.php?t=703)

shmoov69
08-31-2004, 07:46 PM
Oops, sorry for doing that. My computer has been down for a week or more, I did not know it was already posted. :dunno:
Still one of the funniest things I have ever read though!
Jimmy