Personal vs. Professional dilemma...wwyd?

[Boyd]

Scenario: Completely out of left field you are offered a promotion at double your current salary with a bonus potential to earn 3 times more than you currently do. While the job comes with challenges, it would be almost impossible to fail in the new position. Taking the job means a relocation to another state. Let's say, uhm - Colorado. And for arguments sake, let's say Denver.

Dilemma: The wife and kids do not want to go. No matter how much you try to reason with them, they will not budge. You understand their concerns, but at the same time you also understand that this offer is a once-in-a-lifetime type of deal. Turning it down would be a career killer. You would be destined to spend the next 3 to 5 years (and maybe longer) locked in to your current position. And if at any time you were offered a promotion in the next 3-5 years (maybe longer) it would not come close to matching the offer you currently have in front of you.

Response: What do you do?

[baz67]

To me it is a no brainer. The kids are afraid of change/unknown. The wife on the otherhand... Me, I would do it.

[BADVELLE]

If you have never moved before, i.e., still live around or in the same town you grew up in, the family is going to resist. I have moved twice, once before family and once after, so I know what you are going through. The one thing that you want to make sure you understand is that for some reason your family gives in and you move and life is miserable for them, no amount of money will ever recover from that scenario. If the kids are younger, it is easier, the older they get, the harder it becomes. It sounds like there is one advantage to this move, mainly money. If there is more, then you need to sit back down with the family and outline the advantages/disadvantages to the situation, in a formal setting, not just around the television, but at the dining table with everyones attention. They always say that if you can sell your family or your spouse on an idea, move, whatever, then you can sell to anyone!

[mdprovee]

Try taking a little vacation to the new area to look around..make it fun and adventurous for the family. Maybe if they look around before hand, they would be more open to moving.

But also keep in mind money cant buy happyness.

[LateNight72]

Try taking a little vacation to the new area to look around..make it fun and adventurous for the family. Maybe if they look around before hand, they would be more open to moving.

But also keep in mind money cant buy happyness.

Agree 100% :twothumbs

[EFI69Cam]

The housing market in Denver is in the tank right now, so you might get a nice deal.

[Goatman]

All depends on what means more to YOU.


I would never ask complete strangers for advice on such an important, personal question.

[RobM]

denver is a kick ass place. and once the kids are teenagers (if they arnt already) they will love it. So much to do no matter what your into.

denver is an awsome citie, the great out doors is a short car ride away, cool solid project cars are every where! you have world class skiing in the winter, Its not as cold as every one thinks either. the list of good things goes on.

I would move to colorado in a heart beat!

[bigvegan]

See how it goes. How old are the kids?

I moved twice as a kid. I didn't want to move the first time, and really wanted to the second time, but I think there's a lot to be said for stability growing up. In my adult life I've moved too many times and held too many jobs, and I sometimes wonder if that's a result of moving around as a kid, or because I'm just naturally impatient/unwilling to settle down.

For me, there would be no dilemma. If the kids and the wife were happy where they were, I'd figure out how to move ahead in my career where I was, and do that.

But if you're going to be miserable and resent them if you stay, then you'd better move. If you're going to end up divorced, then think it over.

It's good that you're taking their feelings seriously.

Is it the type of job you could do remotely and fly out for meetings?

What do you think would be best for your wife and kids long term?

That last question is really the only question you need to answer.

What do you think would be best for your wife and kids long term?

If the kids are happy in school and their and your wife's whole social network is based in the town you're in now, then tearing that up for some extra $ and a promotion or two sounds a little silly to me.

If you think the kids need a change of pace and a new start, then a move might be good for them.

What do you think deep down is the best for them?

If I were say... an "auction manager", and I had a wife and a couple of kids who wanted to stay where they were, I'd get them to work with you to put together a timeline/business plan for getting your own auction business off the ground.

That way you can move ahead in your career, they can stay in their community, and everybody wins.

[99 BUCKET]

I feel you, I am kinda in the same boat.

[hdesign]

I'm in the same position right now as well. I was offered insane money/benefits package and given full creative freedom to head an automotive aftermarket design department. In addition, I was offered a relocation package, sale of my house taken care of, the whole 9 yards. Not to mention a long awaited opportunity to escape this prison called Massachusetts and move to a bright sunny region with no winters.

The problem was that my wife is extremely close to her family (as am I) and we have a 2 year old. Add the fact that my wife is very conservative in every aspect of our life and doesn't weather change very well. Now keep in mind that we don't even have to worry about our daughter changing schools and making new friends.

I knew that if we moved, regardless of what I made or where I felt was the best place to raise a family, I would pay every single day for moving us away from more than 10 minutes from her family. There is no amount of money on earth that is worth dealing with that day in and day out.

Bottom line is, you have a family, you're making decisions together for the good of everyone. If they're against it, even if you take a trip to scout it out....it's not worth it IMO. It's a tough decision you'll have to make as a family, I don't know that anyone on a message board will give you any more insight that what you already have.

[Boyd]

All depends on what means more to YOU.
I would never ask complete strangers for advice on such an important, personal question.

I agree. EVERY situation is different. But I wanted to sound off a little to see if I was being completely ridiculous. Besides, it's not a poll with actionable results, just a "hypothetical" question.

[GetMore]

I think everyone here is on the same page: If you can't convince them to give it a try you are probably doomed. Everyone is rather happy now, the additional money won't make them happy if they want to be miserable in the new place, and if they want to be miserable they are going to make you miserable, which will make the money worthless to you, as well.

Try taking them on a vacation there and see if you can get them interested, I think it's your best bet.

[Young Gun]

I hope I can offer some insight into this from the kids angle...I have moved 6 or 7 times in my short life, im only 17, but i have moved from texas to italy, back to the us ( a different part of texas) and then to philidelphia and back to texas, and some smaller moves in that time... the part that was hardest for me was dealing with leaving my friends, yet i understood that if i had wanted to prevent my family from moving, it would have been selfish, I understand my father works extremely hard to provide me with everything I have, and i believe that my father would only ask me to move if he believed it was best for our family and if it were in the best interest of our well being...if you believe that your family will benefit from the move, then they should trust you... talk to your kids, i guarentee they will make friends...and with the internet today, you can stay in contact with friends so easily there is almost no excuse not to talk...sit down and make a list of the benefits of leaving and the benefits of staying, then list the cons of each, look at it and duscuss it with your family so everybody understands how you think... dont worry man youll make the right decision...it will all work out

[Ralph LoGrasso]

I would do as someone above suggested and take a vacation to Denver. Hopefully that will help to win the wife/children over. Since you'll be making more money, maybe you can sweeten the deal for everyone: a nice "moving present" for the wife--jewlery? new bikes for the kids? Just something to "ease" the transition.

[nancejd]

One thing I think you need to consider is what would make you happy? If this job means a lot to you, I think you owe it to yourself to articulate that to your family. They should be just as converned with your wants and needs as you are with theirs.

[Bill Howell]

Tough decision, but there are a couple other facts that would help me have an comment.
1. Does your wife work, if so, is her income substantual to the family budget?
2. Age of kids.

[99 BUCKET]

I look at it this way, together (you, wife , child) is your family. and for the sake of the point. you need to do what is right for YOUR family.
her, you and the child you have together is HER family. this is the family that the two of you have made. this is the family that the two of you share. in both resposibilitys and sacrifice. Now if this Job is going to provide you the opportunity to give more to YOUR family. then there should be no questions asked. If she dosent want to leave because of parents/ siblings or friends, what does that say about were her responsibilities and sacrifice remain.

I know it sounds harsh but I asure you that I am going through this right now. I am looking at the posibility of getting layed off and there is no work around here for me. Well I have found job that would give me twice my pay if I move. she does not want to because her 7 year old son is used to having grandma around. (no father in the picture beside me)
she would rather me contract and be gone most of the year then have to move. How is that fair to me, I dont get to be around the family I am trying to start. I do get to be around my parents/ siblings and I get to work/ pay for a house hold I am never in.
sorry, it pisses me off. did not mean to make this about me. lol

[ProTouring442]

Buy your wife a copy of Love and Respect, (get one for yourslef so you can relate to her better) and get all of them (wife and kids) a copy of Who Moved My Cheese.

Shiny Side Up!
Bill

[rob07002]

I agree with the vacation idea. At the very least I think your wife should be open-minded and be willing to explore the option.

I think a firm agreement between you two that if after x amount of time they are very unhappy then you move back without argument. That of course is worst case but perhaps would give them a secure feeling knowing that things can go back they way they were if it doesn'y work out.

You on the otherhand would be starting over, career wise. I guess?

No risk, no reward.

[Jim Nilsen]

Is it the thought of being happier that scares them or yourself? It's a good question to get them to think about their current happiness. They probably haven't really thought about it all and can't even envision what it will be like. But if you never fight about money and the kids are content with what they have and get, then money shouldn't be the issue. Since this is a career choice that you will be happier at doing? Are you really sure you want the other job or is it just a dream that the reality will destroy?

When I changed jobs I got a whole lot happier, if I had moved to a nicer place that would have been a plus too and I hate moving.

Denver is an awsome city and Colorado is a good state too! If someone was paying for me to move and relocate and give me more money to do what I wanted I would go.

It's a nice thing to think about but when it happens it will be even more of an issue than just kicking it around.

A quote from Will Rogers : money can't buy happiness but it can buy a more comfortable form of misery !

[Scott Parkhurst]

Opportunity is knocking. Will you answer?

It's hardly a gamble, and the long-term outlook is pretty bright. I wouldn't worry what the kids say, but I'd sure be talking it up with the wife. Kids are resilient, and they'll deal with change.

The wife...you have to go to sleep next to her. She'll need to be on board.

I'd be all over an offer like that, but then again, I've moved all over the country to further my career. It's simply part of life nowadays - you move where the work is.

Step up, man...

~SP~

[jmartz]

OK here is a woman's view. I'm divorced now, but when I was young and married (20) my husband moved me and our 2 yr old to Tulsa. I hated it, but at the time I loved him and wanted to be with him. He was just going to school, and we were dirt poor, and I was a stay at home mom and I was actually pregnant too....lol. Anyhow, again, it's easier with smaller children. The older they get the harder it is.

When I was divorcing I had an opportunity to move from "Bedrock" PA to ST. Paul MINN, and my family actually threw a fit and begged me to stay. BEGGED me to stay. You might want to see if your wife is getting stress from outside sources to not move. Children never want to leave their friends... I had problems just switching my 11 and 14 yr old from a private school to a public school during the divorce, but they both thank me for it now. OH btw, no moving around had anything to do with my divorce. I just married way to young.

[BonzoHansen]

Try taking a little vacation to the new area to look around..make it fun and adventurous for the family. Maybe if they look around before hand, they would be more open to moving.

But also keep in mind money cant buy happyness.
Long weekend trip at the least is in order....

[Yelcamino]

Considering that I'm active duty military, I move all the time so naturally my opinion is biased.

One question, are you the primary bread winner? If the answer is yes, then tell the family to start packing. A once in a lifetime opportunity means just that, it'll never happen again. Worst case scenario, if it doesn't work out, you move back.

[Boyd]

Long weekend trip at the least is in order....

I 've already planned a long weekend trip in a couple of weeks to check the area out. Just the wife and I. So far, she is refusing to come on the trip, but I am definitely going. I have to at least check it out for myself, right?

[6'9"Witha69]

Buy your wife a copy of Love and Respect, (get one for yourslef so you can relate to her better) and get all of them (wife and kids) a copy of Who Moved My Cheese.

Shiny Side Up!
BillVery good reading for both personal and professional reasons!!

[MonzaRacer]

Well spent 2 weeks last year in Denver and it was ok, never got around much as i am not a bus/cab person and was broke when I got to go to this training class,Fast worward 9 months later I still ahve knowledge and got fired from job that sent me to Denver.
Got to ride on a plane again, got out of town and learned.
Give it to her this way ,honey lets go and make a weekend "mini honeymoon" AND see what we see. Rent a car and take a drive to the mountains.
Trust this if you appeal to her (ie look at much nicer houses/neighbor hood just dont get in too deep) tastes you may get a chance.
Make her a deal of try it for Xyears if it doesnt work give it up and move.
Kids go where you go, period.
IF wife is trodden with family problems then she hasnt done what the Bible says ,the woman is to cleave on to her husband and make a family not live with a husband and still live with her family.
A friend of mine and his wife came to me for counseling(I am an ordained minister as well as a certified technician )and come to find out she spends all her time over with mom during day, stays on weekends if they have plans. So we talked about why and when she was going to actually commit to marriage. This was second and she was scared.
Sit down and get a pad of paper and talk it over with the wife about why she doesnt want to move if it would make your fianacial posotion better,carreer position better, etc. IF the reasons are all personal then your tactic should be to make her more comfortable with changing those. Like make it priority to come back to family/friends a few times a year. Make going "home" to present residence a vacation spot.
Heck if the cash is good and you dont HAVE to sell current house ,,, keep it and make it a second home to come back too with the ability to sell at a later date.
Also give her a chance to come your way, give her a deal like lets try it for 1, 2 or 3yrs (if contract job make movig back to present home at end of contract part of it) if its so bad we can move back or where ever I can find a good job.
I would bet that having a lot more spending freedom would mean more later on.
With big raise offer to put extra aside for kids college/early retirement, world trip etc.
Find the stop block and figure out which hammer will knock it out.
I left working for Firestone and I am now in private shop, its hard as its no guaranteed paycheck, I have to expand and do more and I cant seem to get completely on same wave length with Service manager ,,yet. Working on it.
Now if wife works and has a true carreer (not a grocery store/gas station job) something that required a college education then she has a bigger say. IF you make the money in the family then its on you to figure the spin to sell it.
Good Luck
Lee
PS dont get me wrong I am in a shop making $9.00 MORE on the flat rate hour,,, from $14 to $23.
L

[muthstryker]

just move there by yourself and fly home every weekend youll make enough to do so problem solved.

JK, i know some people will say, your the adult you do whats best for the family not your kids. but you have to think about how every one will end up later on down the road.