PDA

View Full Version : Alittle Humor For The Day!



hotrodgary
09-29-2004, 06:43 PM
An explanation of the tools of auto repair as found in a garage.
---------------------------------------------------------------
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the
object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; it works particularly well on boxes
containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into crooked, unpredictable motion,
and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.

VISE GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,
they can transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for the lighting those stale
garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket
drawer (What wife would think to look in _there_ ?) because you can never
remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at
Fort Campbell.

ZIPPO LIGHTER: See Oxyacetylene Torch.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems from
the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster
over the bench grinder.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
hard earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Django
Reinhardt."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Nova to the ground after you
have installed a set of drop springs, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front bumper.

EIGHT FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a
hydraulic jack

TWEEZERS: A tool used for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor Ryan to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise, used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is
ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on
crankshaft pulleys.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten
to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 X 16" SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without
the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid
from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that
your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop
light, it is a good source of Vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is
not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main
purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105
mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the
Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat
misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt, it can also be used,
as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon,
Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.

LowBuckX
09-29-2004, 08:17 PM
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Nova to the ground after you
have installed a set of drop springs, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front bumper.

EIGHT FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a
hydraulic jack

***************Was someone in my garage this winter to see me do this exact same thing********************

Kenova
09-30-2004, 04:33 PM
:lmao: :lmao: I have those very same tools!!!!!!!!
ken

RobM
10-04-2004, 03:34 PM
its kind of scarry - CRAFTSMAN 1/2 X 16" SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without
the handle. i just did this like 4 houres ago! haha

VISE GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,
they can transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. ~happens to me all the time



i almost lost my eye brows lighting a cigerette with a torch! :smoke: :jump:

Matt@RFR
10-04-2004, 04:07 PM
Rob, you're doing it all wrong. To properly light a cigarette when no cigarette lighter is around, do the following.

Turn your MIG on. Run about 8-12" of wire out. Touch the end of the wire to your ground, and pull the trigger. After about a second, you'll have glowing hot wire. Light cigarette.

:)

RobM
10-04-2004, 05:52 PM
doesnt the wire cool pretty quick though? what a topic! haha

parsonsj
10-04-2004, 06:43 PM
I have a bunch of those tools. Here's another one I was using tonight:

Die Grinder: A misleading name, it neither dies nor grinds. Its main purpose is to leave small divot marks in the polished area near the place where you want to remove metal.

Matt@RFR
10-04-2004, 08:37 PM
Rob, yeah, you gotta be quick!

StRacerDuke
10-05-2004, 06:09 AM
Did you find that off my old website? www.geocities.com/thelastcaboose


Here's some more...

YOU MIGHT BE A RACER IF ...

You think the primary purpose of wings is to PREVENT flight.


You take your helmet along when you go to buy new eyeglasses or check out cars.


You are happiest when your street car's tires are worn to racing depth and the wear bars are showing.


When something falls off of your car, you wonder how much weight you just saved.


Your email address refers to your race car rather than to you.


You've paid $4.00 a gallon for gas without complaining.


You bought a race car before buying a house.


You bought a race car before buying furniture for the new house.


You're looking for a tow vehicle and still haven't bought furniture!


The requirements you give your real estate agent are (in order of importance):
1) 8 car climate controlled garage with an attached shop.
2) Outside parking for 6 cars, a motor home, a crew cab dually, a 28' enclosed trailer and a 34' 5th wheel.
3) 3 phase 220V outlets in the garage for your welder.
4) A grease pit.
5) Deaf neighbors.
6) Some sort of house with a working toilet & shower on the property - or - hookups for the motor home.


You sit in your race car in a dark garage and make car noises and shift and practice your heel and toe, while waiting for your motor to get back from the machine shop.


You have enough spare parts to build another car.


More than one racer supply store recognizes your voice and greets you by name when you call.


You think the last line of the Star Spangled banner is: "Racers start your engines!"


People know you by your class, car number, and car color.


You astound the clerk at Sears by bringing in a snapped breaker bar every other week or so.


Your family brings the couch into the garage to spend time with you.


A neighbor asks if you have any oil, to which you query, "Synthetic or organic?" and they reply, "Vegetable or corn."


You enjoy driving in the rain on the way to work.


You always want to change something on your street car to make it handle better.


You've tried to convince your wife you needed that flow bench to fix the air filter on her station wagon.


You save broken car parts as "momentous".


You've found your lawnmower runs pretty good on 108 octane gas (but doesn't particularly care for alcohol).


The local police and state highway patrol have a picture of your car taped to their dashboard.


Instead of pictures in your wallet, you have time slips.


You quote your street tire wear life in weeks rather than miles.


After you tell your wife where you'd like to go on vacation she answers: "Why...is there a race there?"


You know at least three 1-800 numbers to aftermarket parts houses by heart.


You are on a first-name basis with owners of every local speed shop.


You want to take apart and rebuild things, even though they are not broken.


You have the monetary equivalent of a lunar rocket invested in it, but your car still won't cut a good light or run the number.


You own a vehicle that has at least 500 horsepower more than when it came out of Detroit.


You look for hi-po cars in the movies and try to guess what engine size, tire size, and whether or not it has nitrous in it.


You are the type of person who goes postal when you have to sit in a traffic jam for more than five minutes, yet you can spend five hours in the staging lanes.


Every stoplight becomes a practice tree to test your ability to tree the guy in the other lane's eyes out.


You wash your car like it was your firstborn child, you tend to its needs like it was your own body, you protect it like it's your family, then you drive it like you stole it.


You understand racing is a way of life, not just a means of transportation.

Zefhix
10-05-2004, 04:24 PM
Did you find that off my old website? www.geocities.com/thelastcaboose


Here's some more...

YOU MIGHT BE A RACER IF ...

You think the primary purpose of wings is to PREVENT flight.


You take your helmet along when you go to buy new eyeglasses or check out cars.


You are happiest when your street car's tires are worn to racing depth and the wear bars are showing.


When something falls off of your car, you wonder how much weight you just saved.


Your email address refers to your race car rather than to you.


You've paid $4.00 a gallon for gas without complaining.


You bought a race car before buying a house.


You bought a race car before buying furniture for the new house.


You're looking for a tow vehicle and still haven't bought furniture!


The requirements you give your real estate agent are (in order of importance):
1) 8 car climate controlled garage with an attached shop.
2) Outside parking for 6 cars, a motor home, a crew cab dually, a 28' enclosed trailer and a 34' 5th wheel.
3) 3 phase 220V outlets in the garage for your welder.
4) A grease pit.
5) Deaf neighbors.
6) Some sort of house with a working toilet & shower on the property - or - hookups for the motor home.


You sit in your race car in a dark garage and make car noises and shift and practice your heel and toe, while waiting for your motor to get back from the machine shop.


You have enough spare parts to build another car.


More than one racer supply store recognizes your voice and greets you by name when you call.


You think the last line of the Star Spangled banner is: "Racers start your engines!"


People know you by your class, car number, and car color.


You astound the clerk at Sears by bringing in a snapped breaker bar every other week or so.


Your family brings the couch into the garage to spend time with you.


A neighbor asks if you have any oil, to which you query, "Synthetic or organic?" and they reply, "Vegetable or corn."


You enjoy driving in the rain on the way to work.


You always want to change something on your street car to make it handle better.


You've tried to convince your wife you needed that flow bench to fix the air filter on her station wagon.


You save broken car parts as "momentous".


You've found your lawnmower runs pretty good on 108 octane gas (but doesn't particularly care for alcohol).


The local police and state highway patrol have a picture of your car taped to their dashboard.


Instead of pictures in your wallet, you have time slips.


You quote your street tire wear life in weeks rather than miles.


After you tell your wife where you'd like to go on vacation she answers: "Why...is there a race there?"


You know at least three 1-800 numbers to aftermarket parts houses by heart.


You are on a first-name basis with owners of every local speed shop.


You want to take apart and rebuild things, even though they are not broken.


You have the monetary equivalent of a lunar rocket invested in it, but your car still won't cut a good light or run the number.


You own a vehicle that has at least 500 horsepower more than when it came out of Detroit.


You look for hi-po cars in the movies and try to guess what engine size, tire size, and whether or not it has nitrous in it.


You are the type of person who goes postal when you have to sit in a traffic jam for more than five minutes, yet you can spend five hours in the staging lanes.


Every stoplight becomes a practice tree to test your ability to tree the guy in the other lane's eyes out.


You wash your car like it was your firstborn child, you tend to its needs like it was your own body, you protect it like it's your family, then you drive it like you stole it.


You understand racing is a way of life, not just a means of transportation.


Well crap!!! I always thought there was no way to profile me!!!
Yup, pretty much your whole post freaked me out.... :headbang: